Show's over folks

Discussion in 'General Weight Loss Discussion' started by cateka, 20 August 2008 Social URL.

  1. cateka

    cateka Full Member

    Posts:
    125
    Likes Received:
    7
    Start Weight:
    8st7lb
    Current Weight:
    7st7lb
    Goal Weight:
    7st3lb
    Lost(%):
    1st0lb(11.76%)
    I want to say a big sorry to everybody right this very second. So many people have given me good advice, empathy and support, and every bit of it has bounced right off me. The reason being is that my conflict is with my mind, not my weight.


    Before I "got serious" about dieting I was already suffering from bulimia even though I was in denial about it. I only threw up when I ate what I considered "too much" egs being a chinese takeaway or a pudding after dinner. When I began dieting everything was ideally perfect, I put in the food that my body needed and worked off a majority of the calories from it, thus I lost weight. Once I dropped below 8st I got a feeling like euphoria, I had never been so proud of myself in my life. I had done it, it was MY decision and MY work. So proud that I didn't need to throw up anymore, because I had control over what I ate.


    Unfortunatly, everytime I relapsed, such as drinking alcohol or eating a few biscuits, naturally my weight bumped back up a bit. The split second I made a mistake like this I had to throw up again. This would make me tired, and I would skip on my exercise for that day, understandable, no? These relapses became more frequent and the strain got worse. I joined a "Pro-Mia" community (I assume you understand this name) in order to get advice on making the purge less straining. This just made it worse. It became too easy to purge, and therefore too easy to slip, I loved it, I could eat ANYTHING I wanted and gain no weight. All well and good. Then came the bingeing, I would eat and eat untill my heart hurt, until my head hurt, until I couldn't eat anymore, and then still I'd eat. Typically, every bit of it has to come up. I have had 6 binges today, and 8 purges. My heart hurts, it hurts so much. Last night I woke up 6 times either dripping with sweat or with my fists clenched from cold. I have the worst headache ever and I'm scared I am going to die, same as I am every night. My stomache is bloated and swolen, it has been streched, the same way you streach an arm or leg when you work it too hard. I still weigh less than eight stone, but now I rely on this, my exercise and diet have been abandoned and I am withering away in my toilet. My mother is angry with me, bullies me every day, my boyfriend is tired of me keeping him up all night crying and being too sad to go out anywhere. I'm so tired of it, sick and tired. I don't want to eat this much, but I can't help it, its like being posessed. I am so tired of my heart hurting. I looked in my mirror today; my eyes are disappearing back into my head, the tips of my teeth are turning grey (most likely irreversable damage) as is my skin. I have also found a couple of grey hairs. I am 18 years old. I have called my doctor a few times during my increasingly frequent anxiety attacks. He has told me I am setting myself up for a heart attack.


    This bounces off me too, because I don't care, I've lost all self respect and sometimes feel like I'd be better off dead. I mean whats the point? If I binge, food controls my life, if I don't binge, it still controls my life because I am so scared of relapsing.


    Bulimia is real, it is here, and don't EVER go through life thinking 'it will never happen to me'.
    You are just as vunerable as anyone else.


    NEVER aim for the anorexic range of the BMI, you are aiming for a mental illness, not a weight, no matter what you think. Be realistic. You can't get to these weights without suffering mental problems, its a matter of fact.


    I am writing all this because I am scared for my life, REALLY scared. I actually worry that I might die tonight. Whether I do or don't I have decided I am no longer going to post on minimins.com forum outside this thread. I think you can understand why - the help I need is not here and I can only be a bad influence on the rest of you. I just need to get this one message across. Once again I am sorry.


    DO NOT AIM FOR THE UNDERWEIGHT RANGE OF THE BMI.
    YOU ARE ASKING FOR MISERY, POOR HEALTH AND POSSIBLY DEATH.


    Don't make the mistake I did.
     
  2. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Matched Content

  3. Carolanski

    Carolanski Back to it!

    Posts:
    1,267
    Likes Received:
    25
    Start Weight:
    14st4lb
    Current Weight:
    11st0lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st10lb
    Lost(%):
    3st4lb(23%)
    Diet:
    W8
    Oh poor baby - please ring someone and get help. I don't know what to say - but you need some professional support, ring your doctor or A&E or Samaritans - if you don't want to die you need to let someone care for you and nurse you back to health - help you treat your head as well as your your body.

    Please - you've got your whole life ahead of you and it is possible to recover from bulimia - the first step is admitting your problem - which you've already done. Please get some help. All my thoughts and hope and love I send to you

    Carol xx
     
  4. Bunnyg

    Bunnyg Determined

    Posts:
    2,797
    Likes Received:
    33
    Do get some help, I am sure there are people out there that can really help you. Take care hun x
     
  5. flumpster67

    flumpster67 In a whirl

    Posts:
    129
    Likes Received:
    0
    Diet:
    Not 'on' a diet - Marissa Peer has changed my perceptions!
    Cateka,
    You are no way a bad influence on anyone - don't beat yourself up further more than you are already are doing. I think I speak for most on here that read your posts to say that we were genuinely worried for you.
    You have people that care for you and want you to be well and safe, they only 'bully' you as they don't know how else to deal with the situation - try and accept their help. Please go back to your doctor, you can come through the other side, with help and support
    Take care, YOU ARE WORTH IT
    x
     
  6. ** Just Jools **

    ** Just Jools ** Slow & steady does it!!!!

    Posts:
    8,857
    Likes Received:
    269
    Start Weight:
    16st5lb
    Current Weight:
    12st1lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st3lb
    Lost(%):
    4st4lb(26.2%)
    Oh my god! Please, please, please don't give up. Get some help hun. I really don't know what else to say. I'm sure you don't really want to die so work through it and let someone help you.

    You're so young and have your whole life ahead of you. I have a friend who had anorexia and she's getting the help she needs now so there are people out there that can help you conquer this disease.

    Please don't give up. Seek the professional help you so desperately need.

    My thoughts are with you.

    I hope you'll read this and take the next step.

    All my love & best wishes.
     
  7. icemoose

    icemoose The Diet Guy

    Posts:
    4,558
    Likes Received:
    333
    Diet:
    Don't diet anymore!
    Hiya

    Check your mail as I have just E-Mailed you.

    Mike
     
  8. xowee-shortieox

    xowee-shortieox Slowly Shrinking. Yay!!

    Posts:
    496
    Likes Received:
    9
    Start Weight:
    111kg
    Current Weight:
    105kg
    Goal Weight:
    70kg
    Lost(%):
    6kg(5.39%)
    Diet:
    Not Following One
    :eek: You never E-mail me;)

    Hun,
    Being a teenager these days is so difficult. Trust me i know, thats why i dropped out of school so early.
    BUT Do Not Give Up or Give In To It.
    Fight It.
    Its So Hard I Know, Ive Thought Of Bulimia Myself But Then Its Like No.
    My Friend Was Anorexic For Awhile.. She Told Me This Story of "Ana" And I Admit I Thought About It. But Its Not The Way To Go.
    Does Your Doctor Know About This?

    Have You Thought About Going To A Councellor? Sounds Dumb But It Aint, I Used To See One. And I LOVE her. Shes Awesome. Its Just Nice At The End of The Day, Having Someone Who Wont Judge You, And Listen To Your Problems.

    Take Care xxxxx
     
  9. cateka

    cateka Full Member

    Posts:
    125
    Likes Received:
    7
    Start Weight:
    8st7lb
    Current Weight:
    7st7lb
    Goal Weight:
    7st3lb
    Lost(%):
    1st0lb(11.76%)
    "Its So Hard I Know, Ive Thought Of Bulimia Myself But Then Its Like No."


    WELL DONE. I'm not joking, you are such a strong person and it is so tempting, it may not sound like much, but I admire you so much for turning away from it.


    "Check your mail as I have just E-Mailed you."


    Thank you :)


    "I'm sure you don't really want to die so work through it and let someone help you. "


    No, I don't really want to die, life is just a little dismal at the moment, thank you for the good wishes.


    "I think I speak for most on here that read your posts to say that we were genuinely worried for you."


    And you said all the things I needed to hear, I'm only sorry I didn't listen. Thank you so much.


    " Take care hun x "


    And you too, well done on getting so far, so healthily.


    "ring your doctor or A&E or Samaritans "


    I have called my doctor and will see her tomorrow at 12. Thank you all for the encouragement.
     
  10. xowee-shortieox

    xowee-shortieox Slowly Shrinking. Yay!!

    Posts:
    496
    Likes Received:
    9
    Start Weight:
    111kg
    Current Weight:
    105kg
    Goal Weight:
    70kg
    Lost(%):
    6kg(5.39%)
    Diet:
    Not Following One
    Stay Strong Hun, And let Us Know What The Doc Says :D
     
  11. Summerskye

    Summerskye Gold Member

    Posts:
    7,411
    Likes Received:
    316
    Start Weight:
    18st11lb
    Current Weight:
    12st4lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st7lb
    Lost(%):
    6st7lb(34.6%)
    Badges:
    Maintainer
    Diet:
    Cambridge Weight Plan
    Take care of yourself honey. Whatever seems impossible to handle when you're 18 doesn't seem nearly as bad even just a few years later when you're older. Trust me, I'm a LOT older :)

    Hope all goes well for you at the doctor's tomorrow.
     
  12. Silence

    Silence Bouncing back

    Posts:
    2,177
    Likes Received:
    101
    Diet:
    WW Discover Plan
    Good luck at the doctors tomorrow hun!

    ~Silence~
     
  13. ** Just Jools **

    ** Just Jools ** Slow & steady does it!!!!

    Posts:
    8,857
    Likes Received:
    269
    Start Weight:
    16st5lb
    Current Weight:
    12st1lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st3lb
    Lost(%):
    4st4lb(26.2%)
    Hope it goes ok at the doc's. Let us know how you get on. x
     
  14. shrinkingannie

    shrinkingannie Gold Member

    Posts:
    2,018
    Likes Received:
    22
    Start Weight:
    14st5lb
    Current Weight:
    10st4lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st12lb
    Lost(%):
    4st1lb(28.36%)
    Diet:
    healthy eating
    Hello Cateka,

    I really feel for you, I had bulemia for about 8 years - it is a very lonely and difficult road at times. I dont know what advice to give you because I believe everyones story is so different - but I found one thing that worked for me was trying new things - very gradually I built up some interests and I know it sounds a little trivial but it gave me a little less time to think about food, weight, binging etc. and I think in time other things gradually became more important. I have been recovered now for about four years - you will get better!!

    You need help you cannot cope on your own - talk to your boyfriend your mum and your friends - tell your doctor you want counselling - I found doctors generally quite dismissive so you have to be strong, everyone told me to see my Dr. and I did - he said ' dont do that it is bad for your stomach' - honestly. I did eventually have counselling and it really helped - my biggest piece of advice is - you can beat this!! dont spend most of twenties avoiding people and places because you feel fat - it is a terrible waste. Good luck x x x
     
  15. swivlehips

    swivlehips Full Member

    Posts:
    221
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    14st10lb
    Current Weight:
    12st2lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    2st8lb(17.48%)
    Diet:
    cambridge diet
    you have taken the first step demand to see someone in this line of work let the doctor know how desperate you are feeling and take your mum with you she will be there for you i am sure , good luck let us know how you get on xx
     
  16. totty

    totty Personal Trainer

    Posts:
    534
    Likes Received:
    16
    Start Weight:
    14st0lb
    Current Weight:
    10st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st0lb
    Lost(%):
    3st1lb(21.94%)
    Diet:
    My own
    I really dont know what to say. For once in my life i am lost for words.:(

    At least you have admitted it, thats the first step :hug99:

    Dont give up, we are all here for you, dont feel alone.

    Make sure you let us all know about the doctors hun x x
     
  17. Georgiestar

    Georgiestar Silver Member

    Posts:
    588
    Likes Received:
    9
    I really simpathise with you, i can only say try to stay positive, ocupie yourself do something you enjoy i mean there are short courses out there to help you relax, there not just the usual subjects there are courses like meditation and relaxation and courses that focas on the mind you just need to ask people. also try not to bottle things up talk to your family and friends about how you are feeling. I really hope this helps. also just wonderd do you live with your parents? if you do do you get on with them or are you finding it difficalt to live at home?
     
  18. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Advert

  19. caws

    caws Gold Member

    Posts:
    1,663
    Likes Received:
    96
    Start Weight:
    15st12lb
    Current Weight:
    14st9lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st3lb(7.66%)
    Diet:
    Healthy eating-ish
    Take care and hugs :grouphugg:
     
  20. Lisa Bigger Bum

    Lisa Bigger Bum Full Member

    Posts:
    389
    Likes Received:
    15
    Hello

    I am only going to say the same as everyone else, just take care of yourself and look at all the love thats here for you. Never ever think you are a burden to anyone, we all have issues of some sort and we just need a little help sometime. It just takes some of us a little longer to understand the support and information that has been given to us. So many people tried to help me when I was low and I just couldnt/wouldnt take it in, then one day 'click' and it starts creeping into the parts of us that have shut down. It will for you too I promise.

    You will get through this you are a strong woman youve proved that by talking this way to us. Print out your post and take it to the doctors and just let them read it, its easier having things written down and they can see how serious you are.

    I too have been to see a counsellor and it really does help, I got mine through my doctors refering me.

    Big hugs to you, just stay strong, love Lisa xx
     
  21. cateka

    cateka Full Member

    Posts:
    125
    Likes Received:
    7
    Start Weight:
    8st7lb
    Current Weight:
    7st7lb
    Goal Weight:
    7st3lb
    Lost(%):
    1st0lb(11.76%)
    Okay, so I saw the doctor this morning.
    Suprisingly it went better than I thought - she immidiatly identified that my problem was with my bingeing not purgeing, following my theory that if I cut out the bingeing, the purgeing will leave on its own accord.

    She gave me some antidepressants and a book to read about the disorder. To be honest though, I'm not feeling much better at all. I binged today regardless, and purged too. I feel really low, and on top of it all, I'm not going to be seeing my boyfriend for nearly two weeks due to our work shifts, which always brings me down :cry:
    Oh well, can't be cured overnight I suppose.
     
  22. hanloje

    hanloje Silver Member

    Posts:
    1,123
    Likes Received:
    6
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Diet:
    Varies!
    I hope that you can get through this, sounds like you need more 'professional' help than just a GP; you sound like you are suffering from depression but the anti-depressants will not work if you are taking them and bringing them back up so please please try .... if you manage to take them you will slowly start to feel more positive.

    Please please take care of yourself, you've admitted your problem on here to us all so that's got to be the first step. If you're struggling go back to your GP and insist that they do something else for you... you are very young, with your whole life to live and enjoy ahead of you. You CAN get through this, it'll be tough, but it is possible.

    Sending lots of love and positive vibes for you to start to feel a little more in control. x
     
Popular Forums
  1. MiniMins.com is a weight loss support community helping each other on their weight loss journey. We have a multitude of forums, from Slimming World and Exante, to Success Stories. Click the logo at the top right to return to the forum home page at any time.
Loading...