Slinks back in with tail between legs

[chunkychicken]

Hi all

Not sure if anyone will remember me - I haven't been here in a while.

I started LL almost exactly 1 year ago and lost nearly all of my weight (over 7 stone). I felt on top of the world and so much so - I started working for my LLC as a Locum running groups. I have really enjoyed the work and still feel like a new woman personality wise (the old me would never had have the guts to run groups!). However, one of the main reasons I chose to do the Locum job (on top of a busy full time job) was that I thought that being in contact with LL would keep me on track....

How wrong was I? My LLC warned me when I started that it didn't work that way for her and if anything, listening to people talk about food all the time and hearing all their struggles just sent her running for the fridge sometimes... I naively thought I knew better....

Like I said, I was wrong.

So here I am day 1 of abstinence - slinking back in for some support.
I intend to keep this as a diary - something I didn't bother with last time. I hope that writing it all down will keep me on track and that you lovely people will help me with a hug here and a kick up the bum there.

I don't want to end this post on a negative though - as I really feel I am in the right frame of mind to do this properly - I feel really... ready. Ignoring the fact that one more week of wild eating behaviour and my trousers will bust off of me like the incredible hulk LOL!

I have learnt some interesting (if a little hard) lessons these past few weeks. Mainly, that no matter how hard I tried, no binge could ever satisfy me.... I tried every type of food I had been craving with no avail. It doesn't feel the same as it used to, it just feels bloody uncomfortable.

Lesson One - food cannot solve any problem other than physical hunger. I know that it tastes nice, and I know that it feels strangely good to eat something I shouldn't when no-one is looking.... but it SOLVES nothing.

Lesson Two - nothing feels quite as bad as being disappointed in yourself - I have never experienced this before because I didn't care enough to feel disappointed before - since LL I do. I like feeling proud of myself and I miss it so much.

Lesson Three - high fat, high sugar, high calorie and high carb food may be a taste sensation at the time - but my GOD - a few hours later and my body lets me know exactly how much it doesn't like it any more. Leads on to lesson Four.....

Lesson four - if you have indigestion and bloating - and this is really a D'OH moment and expose the depth of my food insanity recently.... shoveling more food in only makes the problem worse.....
(Welll Duh.....)

Lesson Five... When you feel so hideous physically that you would rather sit in a cupboard all day than let your partner touch you... then something needs to be done and quickly.

Lesson six... The more you eat the more you poop..... gross but true.

And on that delicious note I shall leave you in peace until tomorrow....

Have a great day peeps
More water please.....

So my ticker now shows the 2 stone I have gained since my lowest weight plus the extra stone I never lost when I went into RTM early...

Laura

 

[MsJMC]

hi laura , yes i remember you i remember one of your posts where you said you had passed out or felt faint when doing LL and has anyone else had that , just stuck in my head that post , i thought what am i in for lol . Laura really you wording there was so true ! you said everything what i would have , how much have you got to lose ? Welcome back girl , you know you can do it !

 

[mikey]

Good luck Laura! Sounds like you know what to do!

 

[AmandaJayne]

Hey Laura,

I could have written that myself. Maybe it is time I slinked back too...
AJ

 

[x-Katie-x]

Hi Laura I also remember you (I was Katie_Oxo -- system wouldn't let me back in under that though).

Well done for getting back to it and taking action on it rather than letting the situation get worse and you putting even more on.

You know the diet works - you'll have that 3 stone off in no time.

 

[x-Katie-x]

Hi AJ - good to see you posting again.

How's it been going for you?

 

[dietingqueen]

Hi Laura,

i remeber reading about you doing soem locum, and thinking way to go!!!

I can also relate to you, I lost 6 stone, from my heaviest, the first two through healthy eating and the rest LL!!! I got to my goal in March last year, maintained more or less till August, and than slowy gained weight at a rate of about 1kg per month.... which now means i have about 20ish pounds to lose!!!!

I have decided to go back to healthy eating to do this though.... as i have spent the last few months in starve...... lose weight..... / over eat.... gain weight mode!!! and havent acheived anything!!!

I know SS or abstinence would be a quick way to lose the weight, but i really dont think i can face it after the last few months!!!

Will be nice to compare notes though!!!!

Good Luck, I'm sure you dont need it!!

Nas x

 

[chunkychicken]

Hi everyone - its nice to know you are all still here - even though I am remembered for scaring you MrsJMC (sorry about that - ooops - looks like you are doing well though now so congratulations!)

Thanks Mike - I do know what to do - but it is about time I put the theory into practice!!! LOL

Hi AmandaJayne - lovely to hear from you - you were such an inspiration to me when I was on my journey (just thought you should know that). I hope all is well for you - Did you decide to go for the teacher training in the end (sorry if this is wildly out of date - but like I said not been on the board for a long time). I have really missed the support of the boards and that is why alongside abstinence I have decided to make a commitment to come on here everyday... Would be nice to see you here too....

Hi Katie - I remember you too. Thanks for the vote of support - it means a lot....

So update DAY 1:
One pack down and loads of water..... feel fine so far. Already feel mentally better about myself. Knowing that the gain stops here and the weightloss will soon begin is a lovely feeling....

Take care
Laura

 

[chunkychicken]

Hi Nas

I agree that I would have preferred to lose the weight the healthy eating way - and have tried to do that. unfortunately - all calorie counting and points counting etc etc just seemed to make matters worse. I was never very successful with the standard diet programmes and really feel that my bad habits have reached such a point now that I would really benefit most from distancing myself from food completely whilst I re-evaluate what it is specifically that is going wrong for me.
I am a great believer in the counselling of LL - but I have been in "head in the sand" mode for quite a while now. I became quite resistant to putting the work in to evaluating why I was eating and behaving the way I have been and that was the top of the slippery path ......

Anyway - waffling on (god help you all)

me
x

 

[Blonde Logic]

Hi Laura!

I remember you - you were really nice and supportive as I was getting ready to start my journey, and often times I wondered where you had gone.

So - very nice to see you back - sorry you are having to go through this again, but you sound well grounded and your head firmly on your shoulders and nowhere near the sand - so all the best to you.

You will knock those 2 stone off in no time!!!

x

 

[Mini]

Welcome back Laura!!!

Excellent post:flowers: I myself can identify with so much of what you have said, especially Lesson Two.

Lesson Two - nothing feels quite as bad as being disappointed in yourself - I have never experienced this before because I didn't care enough to feel disappointed before - since LL I do. I like feeling proud of myself and I miss it so much.

:tear_drop:

I am going to print out your Six Lessons and stick them on my wall above my computer, for it is easy to go into denial and forget how awful it does feel when we go back to our old ways and as you rightly point out high carb food does not solve anything but adds more problems.


Thank you for your honesty.

Love Mini xxx

 

[chunkychicken]

Hi mini

Thanks for your post - I am honored that you found something in my post so helpful... but then this is what this amazing site is all about. Between us all - we have the answers and advice for any problem.
If we all stick together - we will succeed.....

Have a great day mini

Laura

 

[chunkychicken]

Day 1 down ... ketosis here I come...

Hi all

Well I survived day 1 of abstinence and am feeling good. So far it is all going pretty well. I had a moment last night when I came home from my second job of the day and out of pure habit opened the fridge.... I quickly shut it again and it wasn't my intention to eat. I think I have just got into such bad habits in the past few months that opening the fridge as soon as I come in has become an automatic action....

Which has only gone to prove to me that abstinence is absolutely the right choice for me right now. You are simply not as aware of your actions when you are "allowed" to eat. It is only when you remove yourself from food completely that you can accurately assess just how much of it was finding its way into your mouth and for what reasons.

It really is facinating to do it the second time around - simply because I have absorbed all the counselling from the first time around, I have been out and about in the big bad scary world of food for a while now and I can now see which bits of the counselling are most relevant. For me my top reasons for making poor food choices are:

1. Feeling that my free time is so limited (with two jobs) that I must "make the most" of being at home and scoff scoff scoff.

2. Secret binge eating makes me feel both rebellious and "in control of my life" when I am feeling pressured and manipulated into doing things that I don't want to do. (like a rubbish full-time job which makes me feel stupid and incompetent).

3. Being left alone. I am seldom alone and I seem to take this opportunity (as it is such a rarity) to do everything I wouldn't do when I am with other people. This includes eating the foods that are in the house that I know I "shouldn't" eat in large quantities. I seem to enter a strange panic state that I need to cram in as much as possible before my "me time" is interrupted. I am still working on why I do this? I started doing it as a rebellious reaction to my ex-husband always going out with his mates and leaving me at home on my own. It was a way of saying "well if you think you will have a better time without me then I will damn well try and outdo you" his poison was alcohol and mine was food. I don't seem to have shaken that habit yet.

So anyway, I think that is enough navel gazing for one day.... I suppose I better do some work... (boo hiss)

Hope you all have a great day
Laura

 

[Eileen]

hi Laura i remember you last year i did ll too.Im glad you got back on track, this time next week you will have a wonderful loss too report.I wish i had finished my journey on ll but i thought if i came off i would lose the rest with dieting, how wrong i was.I have put 2 stone on since september.Im now doing ww its taken me a few weeks too get into the points but i think im getting it now,good luck.

 

[AmandaJayne]

Mornin' Laura, I do so identify with your last post. It could have been written by me! Keep going strong. I will think of you when I get the 'urge' today. Notice I say 'when' not 'if'. I will catch up with you later today to see how you've done.

AJ

 

[cassiopeia]

Hi Laura - I found your lessons learnt very useful too! I'm on my third day of cd sole source after putting back weight I lost 3 years ago with LL - lets do it right this time x

 

[MsJMC]

Hi Laura
Thats great first day over with , won't be long now to your back to your weight .

 

[chunkychicken]

You are a lovely lot

Its so nice to be back - I had forgotten what a lovely feeling it is to feel so supported !!

I tend to be a bit of a "if you need it doing properly...do it yourself" kind of person and have always found it hard to lean on anyone or even suggest I need help, let alone...gulp.... ask for it. But it is lovely and slightly alien feeling (for me) to feel you all there behind me giving me a nudge in the right direction. I am finding it hard to explain what I mean ... but suffice to say - thank you all.

big kisses :sign0168:

Laura

 

[cheerydino]

Boy, it is so good to see familiar faces here!

Well, I have been debating whether to get back into abstinence... I have put on weight after my holiday in Jamaica last January and then sick leave for six weeks after surgery in February.

Until last weekend, I had been inactive for three months - as a result, I have put on nearly a stone! I was thinking of going back to LL to lose a stone but my DH thinks it would be more rewarding if I do it on my own. I agree but the thing is I am enjoying healthy food with a few treats and I want to get rid of the excess pounds quickly! It is so hard to do that without the foodpacks!

I must admit I have I have lost a couple of pounds since my return to gym, which is encouraging. But I will give it two weeks and if I am not happy, I will go back to LL. I am going to NY in mid June, so I want to be slimmer for that!

Laura, I wish you luck with LL!

AJ, it is so good to see you post, I did wonder how our old members were doing!

 

[chunkychicken]

Hi Donna

So lovely to see you - all the old gang are coming out of the woodwork at the moment ... must be something in the air!!!

I also wanted to lose the weight the "Healthy Eating" way but found that I still have a few demons in the closet that I need to deal with first before that becomes possible. I have welcomed the return to abstinence to provide the distance from food I need to work through my problems. I take my hat off to anyone who can maintain their weight fluctuations through simply "cutting back" - it is a skill I have yet to acquire....

Oh well we all keep on coming back and that is the main thing !!

Hope you are having a lovely day

Laura