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The diary of a dreamer.

#1
So I've decided to open up.
I see people writing these diary's and they seem to be helpful and encouraging... but even if nobody reads this.... its still a form of expression for me.

Who am i?
I'm Ashleigh, I'm 22 years of age and I weigh 259 pounds which is 18 and a half stone... I'm only 5ft 4.

Why so big?
I don't really know!
I guess I've always had a complex about the way i look.
When I was 17 I thought I was HUGE and had to loose weight, I now look back at photographs and long to be that girl again... I was 11 stone then. I'd do anything for that figure back. I now realise that the more I hated myself, the more I'd eat, then I'd get bigger, hate myself more and eat more... you see where this is going right?

I've just finished a degree in Performing Arts (got a 2.1 woop) and want to earn a living as a performer (singing and acting). I love acting as its the perfect opportunity to slip into another persons shoes and live their life for a little while. I loved university and even though I was probably mainly seen as 'Ashleigh the funny fat girl' I know that the lectures and directors saw talent and potential in me, they actually believe in me! During university I was advised a couple of times to take myself more seriously, but I use humour to hide my insecurities and constantly joke and put myself down. I should be auditioning and getting myself out there but there is only one thing stopping me... My weight.

My weight really is putting my life on hold.
So I'm changing that... because I'm sick of looking in the mirror and feeling like a failure.
I'm been eating healthy and exercising for two weeks now. I haven't weighed myself yet so I'm not sure how much I have lost (OH GOD I HOPE I HAVE LOST).

Today is my naughty meal day.
Every Wednesday I'm allowed a take-away, as a reward and something to look forward to.
Since this morning I haven't stopped thinking about what I'm going to eat... how lame!
All I have eaten today is two eggs.
I'm hungover.
I've spent the day watching The Biggest Loser series 9 on the internet and crying at all the wonderful transformations and wishing it was me... but it will be.

I spend every SINGLE day dreaming of being someone.
But its time to stop dreaming and being that some.
I want to fall in love for the first time, see the world and have a career where I can pay the bills and LOVE waking up to it every morning.

To everyone who is standing on them scales weekly and seeing those numbers drop... I salute you.
Thank you for sharing your stories - you inspire me.
You are all very beautiful, inside and out.

Ashleigh
xoxo
 
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#2
Such a lovely post, suprised no one has commented. I wish you all the luck in the world, you deserve it!
 
#3
Such a lovely post, suprised no one has commented. I wish you all the luck in the world, you deserve it!
Thank you Katie,
good luck to you too!
xoxo
 
#5
Hi ashleigh... I can certainly sense you are very determined!! you go girl..
:eek:
I really am!
I think you get to a point where either something happens in your life or you face a realisation which changes your attitude and REALLY makes you want to work hard to transform.

My mum was walking to work one day and a bunch of builders where shouting abuse at her because she was a bigger lady... That day she decided to make a change and prove herself better, she is now 5 stone lighter.

I've had a similar experience but that made me want to comfort eat and bury my sorrows. But for me, I woke up one day and decided I didn't want to go through my 20's feeling the way I did and not living life to the fullest.

I've got a hell of a journey to undertake... but now i'm ready!

xoxo
 
#6
What kind of diet or healthy eating are you going to do? :)
 

Lynn_

On A Mission!
#7
Well done on starting your diary and diet Ashleigh, you will find it a great help just posting here. It helps to record the good times and bad, when you look back on it you will be amazed at the progress you make. Its like a kind of therapy too getting all your thoughts down, and getting feedback from other members. We are all in the same boat here, so everyone is really supportive.

Hope you enjoyed your naughty meal this week, and good luck with your plan whatever it is :).
 
#8
What kind of diet or healthy eating are you going to do? :)
I'm basically off fatty foods, chocolate, sweets, cake, crisps and that and sticking to 3 meals a day and keeping motivated. (the only thing i miss is crisps... I'd eat packets and packets a day).

Because I've just departed the world of student life I'm learning how to cook nice proper meals... (i'd normally stick to micro and takeouts).
Just made a tomato chilli and red pepper pasta bake... was yummy!
I'll save you some ;)

xoxo
 
#9
Well done on starting your diary and diet Ashleigh, you will find it a great help just posting here. It helps to record the good times and bad, when you look back on it you will be amazed at the progress you make. Its like a kind of therapy too getting all your thoughts down, and getting feedback from other members. We are all in the same boat here, so everyone is really supportive.

Hope you enjoyed your naughty meal this week, and good luck with your plan whatever it is :).
Thank you Lynn :)
Yes... i think keeping these diaries will be good for me too and I also agree that everyone here is supportive and encouraging.

My naughty meal was very nice and very naughty... I've been craving the salt and pepper chicken that I had last night ALL DAY... so now I'm wondering if its actually not such a good idea to have that naughty meal each week because it reminds you how good bad food tastes.
But I've been strong and ate good today... so I guess I've concurred my cravings.
xoxo
 
#11
Oh yes please! Sounds lovely, did it have cheese on?
Can i have the recipe?
I put cheese on it but you'd be able to make it without.
It was simple :).

I put uncooked pasta in the cookery dish, chopped up red peppers put them in too, added a jar of Garlic-chilli&tomato flavoured pasta bake sauce, filled the jar with water and put that in too... mix it together... put it in the oven gas mark 6 for 25 mins... add cheese... continue baking for 20 mins and then dig in!!

Hope thats helpful katie!
xoxo
 
#12
[~Food~]
Breakfast~ Special K and semi skimmed milk.
Lunch~ Light Super Noodles (Thai Chilli).
Dinner~ Tomato, chilli and red pepper pasta bake.
Snacks~ 0

[~Thoughts~]
I need to get back to the gym tomorrow... I haven't done much exercise this week and I went to the gym 4 times last week.
I haven't weighed myself since I started the diet... I'm going to wait until wednesday and then make sure I weigh myself every wednesday in the gym from then on. I think it will make me more determined seeing the numbers drop... it will make me excited and focused.
Its almost 3 months until christmas... I really want to be 3 stone lighter then... am I being to ambitious? I need to start working my ass off!!!

xoxo
 
#13
I was going to say to you, but I'm really glad you said it first, that perhaps the naughty meal at this point isnt the greatest idea. Loosing weight is about making the best decision you can, reaching for an apple instead of chocolate etc etc. I cant help but feel mentally it will really hold you back as you seem to be an emotional eater. :( I'm not criticize and obviously I know nothing about you! But maybe leave it out for now? Id hate to see your weight loss not be as amazing as it could be!
 
#14
I was going to say to you, but I'm really glad you said it first, that perhaps the naughty meal at this point isnt the greatest idea. Loosing weight is about making the best decision you can, reaching for an apple instead of chocolate etc etc. I cant help but feel mentally it will really hold you back as you seem to be an emotional eater. :( I'm not criticize and obviously I know nothing about you! But maybe leave it out for now? Id hate to see your weight loss not be as amazing as it could be!
Your opinions are really important to me.
You are right... I am and emotional eater and if I do get upset, it may ruin everything if once a week that naughty meal reminds me of how delicious chinese food is... I'll probably run straight back to it.
Yesterday was really hard as I craved chinese ALL DAY, I'm really surprised I kept strong because I wanted it BADLY, because I'd had my naughty day the day before.

Don't worry I know your not criticising me :) ... I agree a don't think a naughty meal for me is the best thing for me at this time.
xoxo
 
#15
Ashleigh,

All the best with your weight loss.. I hope you get to where you want to be and you seem determined enough to get there. I think weighing yourself regularly and setting yourself mini goals will help you to keep on track and stay motivated.

Your first post, resonated with me as I too left Uni weighing about the same as you and always just ate worse as I was resigned to my size. I also look back at picture when I was younger and thought I was massive, when really I was fairly normal and just had curves. However, unlike me you are taking really positive steps at a much younger age to change your eating habits and achieve the size and body you want. Which is fantastic and if you are really determined you will get there!!

I failed to address my weight and continued to gain more and more weight, and eventually at 26st, I finally had to face up to the weight being the controlling factor in all my life decisons. So now aged 33, I have finally started to sort myself out, and I know I will get to where i want and need to be, but it has meant completely changing my attitude to food. My regrets are now that I didnt do something about it much earlier.

You look like a really beautiful girl, with a talent, and it would be a terrible shame if your weight held you back. I look forward to following your journey and wish you all the best.

xx
 
#16
Ashleigh,

All the best with your weight loss.. I hope you get to where you want to be and you seem determined enough to get there. I think weighing yourself regularly and setting yourself mini goals will help you to keep on track and stay motivated.

Your first post, resonated with me as I too left Uni weighing about the same as you and always just ate worse as I was resigned to my size. I also look back at picture when I was younger and thought I was massive, when really I was fairly normal and just had curves. However, unlike me you are taking really positive steps at a much younger age to change your eating habits and achieve the size and body you want. Which is fantastic and if you are really determined you will get there!!

I failed to address my weight and continued to gain more and more weight, and eventually at 26st, I finally had to face up to the weight being the controlling factor in all my life decisons. So now aged 33, I have finally started to sort myself out, and I know I will get to where i want and need to be, but it has meant completely changing my attitude to food. My regrets are now that I didnt do something about it much earlier.

You look like a really beautiful girl, with a talent, and it would be a terrible shame if your weight held you back. I look forward to following your journey and wish you all the best.

xx
Wow! Thank you so much!!
That was really such a lovely message.

Listen, don't be hard on yourself... we all know how easily the weight creeps up on us... its as if one day you look in the mirror and wonder how the weight got there. Plus, look how far you have come already you may have got to 26 stone once but you're far FAR away from that now and heading in the right direction. Also, you're only 33! Thats still so young!! Don't regret not making the choice earlier... because you have made it NOW and thats whats important!
I'm sure they're are 60 year olds around who have decided to make a change and I bet they are saying to themselves "I wish i would have done it when I was 33".

Good luck to you too <3
Don't forget about the amazing weight loss you have achieved!
I look forward to following your progress too.
Love Ashleigh
xoxo
 
#17
I haven't written here for about 2 weeks because I've kinda been avoiding you all. :sigh:
I failed again.
I did well at first but I had a really BAD week and I stupidly turned back to food to make me feel better.

But that is over now.

Because today... I am starting Slimming World.
I've done this plan before.
I know it works... it worked for me...
...and I think I know why it worked for me.
Yes, the plan is excellent.
BUT what helped me stick to it was the fear of standing on those scales every week and having the consultant telling the whole room wether I lost or gained.
I wanted to inspire the group and I wanted to impress them, so I stuck to the plan.

So today is a new beginning.
I hope it is the final beginning.

All of you lovely people who have left me comments on this thread... I really feel like you believe in me and I promise this time I will do what I have set out to do.

Lots of love and encouragement to you all.
Ashleigh.
xoxo
 
#18
All the best with Slimming world, and dont worry about having a few difficult weeks, we all have many ups and downs on our weight loss journeys. The most important thing is your back here, with a plan, so you can draw a line under the last few weeks..

Good luck, you will do it xxx
 
#19
All the best with Slimming world, and dont worry about having a few difficult weeks, we all have many ups and downs on our weight loss journeys. The most important thing is your back here, with a plan, so you can draw a line under the last few weeks..

Good luck, you will do it xxx
Thank you so much.
yeah, i'm back... i need to forget about the fails now.
hope you're good hun!
xoxo
 
#20
It wasn't a fail because you haven't given up with weight loss! You just had a slip up, you are putting it behind you and starting again! Everybody has slip ups, even people who have lost stones in weight. I just wanted to wish you the best of luck on your slimming world weight loss journey and I look forward to keeping up with your diary. You do sound determined so you go girl! :D
 


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