thechaplingirl
Full Member
So I've decided to open up.
I see people writing these diary's and they seem to be helpful and encouraging... but even if nobody reads this.... its still a form of expression for me.
Who am i?
I'm Ashleigh, I'm 22 years of age and I weigh 259 pounds which is 18 and a half stone... I'm only 5ft 4.
Why so big?
I don't really know!
I guess I've always had a complex about the way i look.
When I was 17 I thought I was HUGE and had to loose weight, I now look back at photographs and long to be that girl again... I was 11 stone then. I'd do anything for that figure back. I now realise that the more I hated myself, the more I'd eat, then I'd get bigger, hate myself more and eat more... you see where this is going right?
I've just finished a degree in Performing Arts (got a 2.1 woop) and want to earn a living as a performer (singing and acting). I love acting as its the perfect opportunity to slip into another persons shoes and live their life for a little while. I loved university and even though I was probably mainly seen as 'Ashleigh the funny fat girl' I know that the lectures and directors saw talent and potential in me, they actually believe in me! During university I was advised a couple of times to take myself more seriously, but I use humour to hide my insecurities and constantly joke and put myself down. I should be auditioning and getting myself out there but there is only one thing stopping me... My weight.
My weight really is putting my life on hold.
So I'm changing that... because I'm sick of looking in the mirror and feeling like a failure.
I'm been eating healthy and exercising for two weeks now. I haven't weighed myself yet so I'm not sure how much I have lost (OH GOD I HOPE I HAVE LOST).
Today is my naughty meal day.
Every Wednesday I'm allowed a take-away, as a reward and something to look forward to.
Since this morning I haven't stopped thinking about what I'm going to eat... how lame!
All I have eaten today is two eggs.
I'm hungover.
I've spent the day watching The Biggest Loser series 9 on the internet and crying at all the wonderful transformations and wishing it was me... but it will be.
I spend every SINGLE day dreaming of being someone.
But its time to stop dreaming and being that some.
I want to fall in love for the first time, see the world and have a career where I can pay the bills and LOVE waking up to it every morning.
To everyone who is standing on them scales weekly and seeing those numbers drop... I salute you.
Thank you for sharing your stories - you inspire me.
You are all very beautiful, inside and out.
Ashleigh
xoxo
I see people writing these diary's and they seem to be helpful and encouraging... but even if nobody reads this.... its still a form of expression for me.
Who am i?
I'm Ashleigh, I'm 22 years of age and I weigh 259 pounds which is 18 and a half stone... I'm only 5ft 4.
Why so big?
I don't really know!
I guess I've always had a complex about the way i look.
When I was 17 I thought I was HUGE and had to loose weight, I now look back at photographs and long to be that girl again... I was 11 stone then. I'd do anything for that figure back. I now realise that the more I hated myself, the more I'd eat, then I'd get bigger, hate myself more and eat more... you see where this is going right?
I've just finished a degree in Performing Arts (got a 2.1 woop) and want to earn a living as a performer (singing and acting). I love acting as its the perfect opportunity to slip into another persons shoes and live their life for a little while. I loved university and even though I was probably mainly seen as 'Ashleigh the funny fat girl' I know that the lectures and directors saw talent and potential in me, they actually believe in me! During university I was advised a couple of times to take myself more seriously, but I use humour to hide my insecurities and constantly joke and put myself down. I should be auditioning and getting myself out there but there is only one thing stopping me... My weight.
My weight really is putting my life on hold.
So I'm changing that... because I'm sick of looking in the mirror and feeling like a failure.
I'm been eating healthy and exercising for two weeks now. I haven't weighed myself yet so I'm not sure how much I have lost (OH GOD I HOPE I HAVE LOST).
Today is my naughty meal day.
Every Wednesday I'm allowed a take-away, as a reward and something to look forward to.
Since this morning I haven't stopped thinking about what I'm going to eat... how lame!
All I have eaten today is two eggs.
I'm hungover.
I've spent the day watching The Biggest Loser series 9 on the internet and crying at all the wonderful transformations and wishing it was me... but it will be.
I spend every SINGLE day dreaming of being someone.
But its time to stop dreaming and being that some.
I want to fall in love for the first time, see the world and have a career where I can pay the bills and LOVE waking up to it every morning.
To everyone who is standing on them scales weekly and seeing those numbers drop... I salute you.
Thank you for sharing your stories - you inspire me.
You are all very beautiful, inside and out.
Ashleigh
xoxo