The end of the line, or the beginning of a new life?

[Aaleigha]

OMG what a fantastic loss
well done you
those clothes must be hanging off you now )

 

[White Tulip]

Now this bit is not meant to offend you

not offended at all. :hug99: He definitely has issues and he definitely takes them out on me as some kind of cover up for his own issues. Sometimes though he is just nasty for no logical reason and your ex husband sounds very similar to my OH.

If we were to split, it wouldn't be a messy one. We both own our own homes (another bone of contention, he refuses to ever buy with me but is happy to be at my place 7 nights a week) and have no children or financial ties.

those clothes must be hanging off you now )

unfortunately not yet - nothing seems to be getting much bigger Maybe in a couple of weeks I will start to be able to wear a few other bits and pieces.

Yesterday........I had to eat :sigh: I was scared about having to do it and any fallout from it.

Had an invitation from OH's dad and stepmum to visit them in the next county for the day. They have their caravan on a site there. We went and I had shake for breakfast and bar for lunch in the car. OH had already said 'what will you do about eating' as it seemed a pub dinner was planned. I shrugged and said I'd have a chicken salad. The alternative was to sit at the table eating nothing and I've only met them once before and knew I just couldn't do that.

They were confused enough that all i wanted to drink whilst at the caravan was water and then in the pub even more so! OH's step mum said 'are you on a diet or something' and I just said 'yes'.

I ordered the chicken salad with no dressing. I slowly ate the lettuce, cucumber and about a third of a grilled chicken breast. OH then ploughed in and said he'd eat whatever I didn't want so I gave him the rest of the chicken, the peppers and the tomatoes. OH's step mum asked what diet I was doing and I mumbled something about 'just low calorie' and OH 'helpfully' piped up 'this is the first solid food you've had for how long?' and I shot him a quick glare, mumbled '4 weeks' and carried on eating the lettuce.

It was 1am by the time we got back here and so too late to have my third sachet. I hated every single mouthful of the food, it was the most miserable and fearful experience I've ever had when eating. I kept thinking that I wanted my soup and that I just hadn't wanted any of the food.

I was scared I would binge, or just choose something stupid off the menu. Luckily neither happened and I was relieved to be back to my CD sachets today. They feel like a new comfort blanket, a weird feeling. I guess being logical I had 2 sachets and what would be the equivalent of doing an SS+ dinner so it was all ok (was gutted it was so late when we got back, really wanted to be back so I could have a shake or soup) but I have never felt such bizarre emotions towards food.

 

[tweeza]

so glad you were not offended by my story wt just wanted you to know that you are not to blame for his problems and as for what you are feeling because you ate is normal. Honestly its just because your scared your learning new ways to eat and its just so new it is scarey but your doing great your head is in a different mind set to your old one and it takes time to realise this is a whole new way of living. Im so impressed by you, even being scared you didnt fall into your old habits and i know your going to succeed.
Such a strong woman im so impressed by you (in a non creepy way)

 

[Aaleigha]

good choice for eating out
I too would have found it inappropriate to not eat given the circustances
ss+ is the three shakes and a 200 cal meal so you would have been fine

 

[White Tulip]

Such a strong woman im so impressed by you (in a non creepy way)

Ta

Realised that I have less than 10 stone to lose! I know my target weight of 11 stone 7 still makes my bmi slightly over 25, but I'm 5 ft 7 and I won't care about a mildly over healthy bmi if I can get anywhere near my target!!

 

[Kazski]

Am totally with Tweeza, your an amazing lady, I admire your honesty - I have read your diary and note so many likenesses to my relationship with food. Well done your doing brill,

 

[Awaken Me]

:clap: Fab weight loss - you are doing brilliantly. I really don't think the meal will have any impact on your loss next week. Get that size 20 - go on I dare ya

 

[Aaleigha]

wow you have certainly passed a milestone
great work here is to the next stone gone

 

[White Tulip]

Get that size 20 - go on I dare ya

Noooooooooooooooooo :8855: Actually, must send the other one back and make a decision which to get...there is a 4 week returns policy so I could buy a 24, keep the tags on and not wear it and then see how it fits after nearly 4 weeks and then if it is getting big, get a 22......I don't go until October so could quite easily go down the sizes by keeping it for a while because of their generous returns policy.

TOTM looms over the next 2-3 days. Sigh. I normally put on around 5 or 6 pounds and usually have a STS or gain when I've done SW etc in the past. Oh well, if I STS the next week should be amazing after the water loss

Am wearing a top I haven't worn since October last year. It fits really well, seems a bit bigger than when I last wore it. It's still an Evans 26/28 but it's more than wearable and was only a couple of quid from ebay. Reckon I will get a month or so's wear from it if I carry on with the same rate of loss.

I seem to have been surrounded by food smells today, lots of outside takeaway type smells . I tried to just breathe through my mouth rather than my nose

 

[Aaleigha]

you may find due to lack of carbs that totm means you dont retain as much fluid as in the past go for the 22 I am sure it will fit
H xx

 

[White Tulip]

I feel hungry today. Just before lunch and at the moment. I'm going to have some Golden Vegetable flavouring in a minute.

Got into work to find half a huge bar of Cadburys Caramel on my desk. It had been left by someone for us all to share so I put it in the middle of the office. Later on someone broke it into squares and shoved it under my nose I could smell the chocolate soooo much and the gleeful, can I have another square, let's have another square from my colleagues. There will be more cakes tomorrow as someone is leaving. I just have to keep walking past them and not look at them and they won't actually be there.

 

[QueenOfTheDamned]

hi tulip!! i just read your diary in full today, you really are an inspiration, 30lbs in 4 weeks is phenomenal! you seem really committed this time. i cant belive how much food is on offer at your work, it must be so hard to keep resisting it like you have been doing. i guess once you get into he "zone" then this diet becomes a lot easier

 

[Ciara]

I agree well done on resisting the yummy foods!!

 

[White Tulip]

I watched Big Meets Bigger last night on BBC3. It's about 2 different people from the UK each week who are very overweight who go to stay with a family abroad who are even more overweight than they are.

I try to guess the weights of the people involved. The UK guy last night was quite tall and weighed 19.5 stone. I know he was quite tall but I guessed he'd be 23 stone approx. I was shocked he weighed less than I do. I'm 5ft 7 and it made me re-assess how I see myself in the mirror. I thought I was quite a bit smaller than him but it would seem not.

Have been looking for a floor length plain satin wrap/robe for ages. They are bizarrely hard to find and I found one on ebay from M+S. It's a size 22 and it came today. I think I'm probably around 2.5 stone away from it fitting properly (as in as opposed to fitting where it touches and not going anywhere near meeting in the middle!)

Too, too hot. Felt sleepy rather than hot at work but the drive home was just like being in a furnace. Luckily I live literally a mile from work.......maybe next year I might occasionally walk...but not yet!

 

[Aaleigha]

I think its a great plan to think about when you can start walking to work
I walk to work and it takes me 25mins on a good day when my knees are bad it can take me much longer
I love the walk to work have my mp3 and just ignore the world and go for it
once you start you will love it and every calorie counts and i bet it wont take you a year before you are ready to start walking to work

 

[QueenOfTheDamned]

i wish i lived close enough to work to be able to work, not only would it be great exercise but it's good for the environment and saves money too! lol, i sound like a member of the green party! maybe just try it on the way home first to get you started?

i find too that i cant guess other peoples weights well at all. there are people i thinka re bigger then me who turn out to weigh less than me. mayeb i hae some kind of reverse anorexia where i think im skinnier than i actually am!

hope you have a good weekend!

 

[White Tulip]

I've only ever walked once. In December my car was hit whilst I was in it in the morning. I was later dropped at work (think I was a bit of a nervous mess really, shouldn't have gone in but anyway) and hoad no transport home. I walked in the rain home as my car had been totalled and the police said it definitely couldn't be driven, it didn't feel like long but I think I was a bit spaced out by everything. I was in quite a bit of pain (have since had physio and acupuncture and am waiting for an MRI) but it wasn't too bad a walk.

My 2 stone bead came today This is it

Sterling Silver Zodiac TAURUS Focal Bead for Pandora on eBay (end time 03-Aug-10 11:58:34 BST)

and this is the one I got for 1.5 stone

Sterling Silver The Mask Bead Spacer for Pandora Troll on eBay (end time 06-Aug-10 07:35:06 BST)

The Taurus bead is a bit smaller than I imagined, it's the same size as the mask one, but it looks lovely, the red is a really nice shade.

For 2.5 stone, I am going to get a dog spacer, haven't chosen which one yet. My dog is my 'boy'. He lives with 'Dad', we split 7 years ago (this coming Monday by coincidence) and my dog was 2 at the time. We decided he would live with Dad as he is a teacher so has lots of time off on holiday. We have remained friends and I still have a key to my old house and I go round almost every day and take him out for one of his walks. It's a weird arrangement but works for us.

Nearly 4 years ago I went through a horrific time at work and basically had some kind of breakdown (I put on 5 stone in 5 months as well as having a mental meltdown). The only thing that kept me from really going over the edge (am almost in tears writing this) was my little dog Charlie, it didn't matter how bad I was, he was there for me with his doggy grin and plenty of dog kisses. He really means the world to me so that's why my next bead/spacer is about him.

 

[White Tulip]

I hope you have a good weekend too Queen, I found my first weekend really hard, I was really worried having all the time on my hands would mean I'd want to eat but I'm finding them easier now.

 

[QueenOfTheDamned]

thanks hun. yeah, im kinda worried about that too i guess. im prepared for it though,i always knew the first weekend would be the hardest. after sitting through work mates eating nando's infront of me yesterday i'm sure i can survive anything!

i think your bead idea is brilliant, i was looking at your beads and they're beautiful. my birthdy is coming up on august 16th so i think i'll treat myself to a pandora bracelet and buy myself a bead for every stone/half stone i lose (though if i go for every half stone the bracelet might not be long enough by the end! lol).

 

[White Tulip]

i think i'll treat myself to a pandora bracelet and buy myself a bead for every stone/half stone i lose (though if i go for every half stone the bracelet might not be long enough by the end! lol).

I should have something like 24 beads/spacers etc on mine by the end , the first 2 I've bought are quite small but I've done a bit of a measuring guesstimate and I should just about be ok to fill one. I bought the bracelet from the same ebayer I've bought the beads from.