To find the real me

[Sezzy1407]

Hello everyone,

I am not sure if anyone would be interested in my diary but want to do this for my benefit and sanity . Some background info on me-

I did LL back in Oct 07-March 08 and successfully lost 5 and a half stone. I was so focused and determined and think it helped that around the time i started LL, i met my partner (who certainly doesnt need to lose weight) and the excitement of being in a new relationship spurred me on and food didnt matter to me. Foolishly i never went through maitenance and before i knew it, I was going up through the dress sizes again and back to eating the same as i did before.

Over the past couple of years i have tried CD on and off and managed to lose a stone or two but then gain it again. I turned 30 last year and promised myself i wouldnt be fat and 30 but in fact i was but was pretending to myself that this is me and how i am meant to be-pah!

It got to a point this year where i was walking with my head down, ashamed of how i looked and with a total lack of confidence and thought i cannot go on feeling like this and want to be happy with me. Deep down i know i am a fun loving girl thats screaming to get out of this fat body.

I started looking into various VLCD's and came across this forum and was blown away by the support and advice that was being offered to people going through the same experiances. I decided to join S&S as i need strict discipline in my life to get me to goal and this time i need to maintain.

I started this diet on Saturday 7th April (Going through ketosis over Easter was tough but i didnt want to put it off any longer). I am doing the 3 products a day and small protein/veg meal which i seems to be fine with. I live with my partner who does support me on this but deep down i think he is just waiting for me to fail like i have so many times before. He can eat whatever he wants and not put on weight so we are quite opposite in that respect. He has been eating a lot of my favourite foods in front of me (asking for my permission first) and it has been tough but i dont want him to feel he cannot eat and enjoy his meals around me. I have to deal with this realistically and dont want to feel cut off.

Anyway i am rambling now but i am weighing myself daily (need to break this habit) and am starting to lose Lbs which i am chuffed with. I also want to thank you for inspiring me to start S&S as I feel really motivated by the diaries and support on this forum.

Good luck everyone and i shall look forward to going through this with you

Sezzy1407 xx

 

[stef2009]

Wow well done hun and welcome! Firstly going into ketosis over Easter!!!! That is a huge achievement just on its own!! with that determination you will go far I also did LT lost 2 stone and put it back on, but in a much better frame of mind now.

Good luck with your journey and keep posting!! Xx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins

 

[Jessica Rabbit72]

Welcome Sezzy and fab for going into ketosis over Easter will love to read your diary
xxx

 

[Sezzy1407]

Thanks Stef and Jessica

I am sat at work just waiting for 5.30pm so i can get outta here and go home. I have no motivation at work and lost my enthusiasm and motivation about a year ago. Its tough coming to work each day and feeling like this but i have weighed up the pros and cons of sticking at it and the pros do marginally out weigh the cons. Plus i want to start a family when i lose some weight so my plan is to stay here until Maternity and then hopefully i wont need to come back but we shall see. I have had 2litres of water so far with a couple of cups of tea with my milk allowance. I had some tinned salmon and salad for lunch with a muesli bar. I am going to have a shake when i get home blended with ice-yum yum. I am off out tonight to my friends house but to be honest i am feeling so glum that i just want to go home and mong on the sofa but i can't let my friend down. Not sure if its just me but the days seem to be dragging a bit but i guess i am not passing the time stuffing my face so thats maybe why lol.

 

[Sezzy1407]

Just had a choc shake made into dough and heated in microwave and it is not as nice as porridge,made into a cookie. Think I will keep choc shake mix as a shake or hot choc but good to try different ideas from this forum. Not heard from my friend yet so I am kinda hoping tonight will be a no go and I can chill out in my Jim jams lol. This,weather is blurgh but am hoping by summer it will be hot and sunny and I will be in shorts and stringy vest instead of covering up.

 

[stef2009]

Aww nothin worse than being in a job ur not happy in, hope that sorts itsself out soon, poss when you have a little baba awwww
Oh yes just get in ur jim jams now and be done with it, its almost 7!! (thats late me for hahaha oh im getting old!!)
Your doin fab so far, keep it up!! And yes i am looking so forward to confident summer days not covering up too! Even though these humongus arms of mine seem to want to stay forever grrr!!! xx

 

[Sezzy1407]

Awwww Steph just as I was eyeing up my Jimmy jams my friend text me to go over so off I am going with my bottle of water. She has been a huge inspiration though as she lost 5 stone in 2 years on SW and looks fab. Her whole outlook on food and eating has changed and she is managing to maintain too. I need to lose more than 5 stone and,want it gone as quickly as possible well have a good night all x x

 

[Sezzy1407]

Stef not Steph .... Silly me! X

 

[stef2009]

Lol its ok! Ahhh have a good night hun, and what a great inspiration, she will deffo lead u down the right track, have fun!! xx

 

[Sezzy1407]

Well just back from my friends house and it was just what I needed to get out the house and have a laugh after a horrid day at wk. Off to bed now so hope everyone has had a good day x

 

[stef2009]

Ahhh thats good hun! Hope you had a good sleep and hope you have a good day today xx

 

[Sezzy1407]

Ooooo jaffa cakes at wk but I am resisting them. Need to have one of my sachets soon so will have my bar.

 

[stef2009]

Yes resist!!! Have a bar Instead ummmm choc truffle!!! Xx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins

 

[Sezzy1407]

It was really strange earlier as i popped out on my lunchbreak and i saw this big girl walking across the road with her head down, cradling a big bag of pasties, crisps and coke from Greggs bakers. Her tummy was bulging in her top and she couldnt walk without having a bit of a waddle. My heart really went out to her as i thought how unhappy she looked and uncomfortable her clothes looked on her. I wanted to run and grab the food off her and tell her its not the answer as sadly she reminded me of myself at my biggest. Its weird how i see what other people eat (especially overweight people) and see the way they shovel the food into their mouths without really chewing/tasting it. I really am trying to train my brain with food and eating habits so that when i get to goal i wont ever have to go down this road again. I know only too well how easy it is for me to gain weight and the tough slog i usually have at losing weight which is why i need discipline and need to learn about 'moderation'.
Well less then an hour to go before i leave work and i am going to pop to the shops and get some chicken to cook for dinner tonight with maybe a Mushroom Pasta S&S packet. I am not sure i will like the Mushroom Pasta though as i dont like Mushrooms but hope they are only small pieces and its not too mushroomy lol.
Hope everyone is having a good day...off to pee lol xx

 

[Jessica Rabbit72]

Hey Sezzy
well done for resisting jaffas and I know exactly what toy mean about seeing other people I didnt notice anyone before really but Im very much aware of everyone their size and what they are eating. I am always in awe of people who maintain their size and never seem to ever be on a diet or have the need to and thats how I dream I can be
xxx

 

[Sezzy1407]

Another thing that has occurred to me is that my boyfriend called me earlier to tell me he was off out tonight and the demon little voices in my head straight away yelled 'ORDER A PIZZA YOU WILL BE HOME ALONE AND CAN STUFF YOUR FACE AND ENJOY EVERY LITTLE BITE'. Now this is quite interesting as pre S&S i would use this opportunity to order a takeaway (usually pizza) and eat loads of it without feeling embarrassed in front of my bf at how greedy i was being. Now i have been known to cave to these voices on quite a few occassions and then beat myself up for it later when i am feeling bloated, fat, uncomfortable and sick but tonight I AM IN CONTROL and i will NOT give in. Chicken and Mushroom Pasta for me so there! :crazy:

 

[Sezzy1407]

Jess
Its so true, People that have such control and discipline with food are fantastic but then i guess they dont have a 'problem' with food and probabaly eat for fuel for their body rather then like me using it to cheer me up, de-stress, because i am tired etc etc
xx

 

[Sezzy1407]

Mmmm just had chicken marinated in Chinese five spice, cauliflower with mushroom pasta on top and it was actually better then I thought it would be, but saucy lol but cauliflower helped soak it up. These meals are so much better then what I thought they would be.

 

[Jessica Rabbit72]

Doesn't it feel like we aren't on a vlcd lol xxx

 

[Sezzy1407]

OK well i am surrounded by people at work eating bacon sandwhichs from the canteen in the next room. This is a bit of a tradition where i work, that every Friday people grab themselves a hot bacon sandwhich for breakfast and the smell wafts around the office. What doesnt help is that the canteen/cafe is in the next room to me so whenever they cook panini's, hot rolls etc it wafts through the office. It smells sooooo good lol BUT i am resisting and just sniffing A LOT :giggle:

Well i have some cooked chicken in chinese five spice that i did last night with some salad for lunch. Then later this afternoon i am going to make up a choc shake as a hot choc and mix it up with my little hand held blender that i got when i was on CD which does come in handy when i dont have my blender to hand. Going to keep myself busy tonight and watch a film with my bf as weekends always seem to trigger 'binge' time with me where i would usually get a take away, have a few drinks etc. I am going to pour some of my Sainsburys strawberry & Kiwi fizzy water into a wine glass tonight to try and trick my mind that i am having a treat lol.

Its my nephews birthday tomorrow and there is a party for him at my mum and dads tomorrow (He is 7) and my dad is going to be doing a BBQ if the weather is nice, if not then lots of party food laid out. Now i LOVE BBQ's...They used to be an excuse to sit outside and graze through the day and drink vast quantities of alcohol (No wonder i piled on the weight). My plan of action is to take round a marinated chicken breast and salad and either have that cooked on the BBQ or in the oven so i am still kinda participating. My whole family will be round there and at least i will blend ion more if i am eating a bit. I see my mum and dad on a regular basis as they live quite close to me and they commented the other night that they can tell i have lost weight (I started Avidlite 4 weeks ago and s&s 6 days ago and have lost 15lbs so far as sts for 1 week). I do feel less bloated but still got a long way to go and i think they may just be saying that to keep me motivated..bless em. I doubt my aunt and uncle will notice and to be fair its probabaly not going to be noticeable until i have lost 3-4 stone. I remember when i did LL, people only started commenting when i lost about 3-4 stone as thats when it really starts showing. I am a typical pear shape and have a large bum, thighs and hips and a smaller waist. Unfortunately my bottom half seems to be the last place that weight starts to fall from but i am determined to get there.

Anyway here i am going on and on as usual (my friends dont call me Miss Chatterbox for nothing lol). Hope everyone has a good weekend as i have a feeling most people struggle more at weekend then in the week. I will try and get on the forum over the weekend (especially if i am keeping out of the way of the BBQ) :wavey:

Byeeee xxxx