polishrose
Gold Member
Having a problem with her and had a bit of a shock last night and could do with some advice 
Tooootally off topic-anyone have a 14 year old daughter?
- Thread starter polishrose
- Start date
**sparkles**
Silver Member
Well my daughter's nearly 22 now, but I've been through the teenage years and had a few shocks on the way myself if that helps. Ask away...
AnneJ66
Never give up
got 2 daughters, now both a little older than urs, but believe me - we've ad our moments! depends wot the problem is but rule of thumb -stay calm - do not shout + rant (she'll just switch off!) and the big 1 - COMPROMISE. dont forget 2 tell her u love her (u mite just not like her very much at the moment!)
polishrose
Gold Member
Well basically she got given a laptop by my parents for her birthday in January(I wasn't impressed but she's always been fairly sensible)-she's gone on it on games mostly(marapets,neopets) and for her homework....or so I thought!Yesterday she brought me the laptop as she had a virus-in fact she had 313 viruses!!So I decided to see what sites she'd been on to see if there was anywhere she could have got the viruses...only to find she has a facebook account(I hadn't allowed this), a bebo account(again not allowed) and msn messenger(not allowed).I went in the chat logs and was totaly shocked by the language she was using-swearing and all sorts.Plus she was talking about boys etc too(she's always said she's not interested in any boys yet).She has also been looking at things on google that I'm not happy about-sexual positions,nipple piercing,teenage pregnancy...Now-it's not so much that she has been looking at these but that she has done all this behind my back-obviously I'm panicking wondering why she has been looking at teen pregnancy sites-I was too shocked and angry last night to ask her.She has been spending a lot of time in her room lately but I thought that was just a teenage moody thing.This may seem like I'm overreacting but I was just shocked by the swearing and things searched in google and youtube.If she had come to me and asked me if she could have messenger or facebook I would have agreed but on condition that I had the password.Oh she also has a secret email address that she used for messenger(she had an email address that I knew about and was fine with).I know this sounds like nothing written down but I really am upset about this-I was crying most of last night and didn't get to sleep till 5am.Oh she also lied at first saying it wasn't her in the chatlogs, and she still claims that she didn't type anything like teen pregnancy or sex into google, but words don't type themself in.I don't know what to do.I have taken her laptop away for a month(it'll take that long to get rid of the viruses I reckon)and her phone for a week, and she's not allowed to go anywhere with her friends for a month.Am I overreacting?If she was 16 I wouldn't feel like this but she's just 14
I understand how you feel, but you will find most teenagers these days have a facebook account (with password) and msn account (not sure about Bebo) and i wouldn't honestly worry about them. The swearing I think is an act they all do (i don't agree with it but looking over my daughter's shoulder they all seem to swear a bit), and i too was shocked but it makes them feel they fit in. Im not saying i agree with it (i don't) but you want to be careful not to drive her to be more secretive by taking things away and grounding her. You need to find out why she was looking at teenage pregnancy sites (could be for a friend) but other things are just inquisitive. My daughter is quite private (used to talk to me) but i try to be open with her and occasionally she will talk to me. Shouting and screaming def doesn't work - i wish you all the luck in the world - its hard dealing with a teenager. :wave_cry:
imagisal
Full Member
Wow, I really feel for you. I have a 13 and a half year old daughter and it is such an age of transformation and so hard to monitor boundaries with the internet. I imagine most kids have a whole different persona away from their parents and it can be a shock to get a glimpse....I am sure the language is a peer group thing....and there is so much curiosity at that age!
I think you are right to come down firmly but I would also try and keep talking...try not to get in a situation where she sees the only way is to rebel and get in an adversarial situation. Let her know that she is still loved even though you are so upset (she might feel ashamed though she wont tell you that)...keep telling her why you have concerns and why you want to protect her. Maybe having the laptop downstairs for a while when she gets to use it again?
This is just my take on how I might handle it with my daughter.It is not easy and you will know your daughter best. Best wishes
I think you are right to come down firmly but I would also try and keep talking...try not to get in a situation where she sees the only way is to rebel and get in an adversarial situation. Let her know that she is still loved even though you are so upset (she might feel ashamed though she wont tell you that)...keep telling her why you have concerns and why you want to protect her. Maybe having the laptop downstairs for a while when she gets to use it again?
This is just my take on how I might handle it with my daughter.It is not easy and you will know your daughter best. Best wishes
Lexie_dog
UNLEASHING THE BEAST!
My mum found my diary when I was about your daughters age and I had wrote the word "sh@g" in it, bearing in mind pre-laptops and MSN. Well I was mortified because she made me explain it to her, did I know what it meant, what is it etc.
Unfortunately, kids do grow up much quicker these days and whereas before we tended to have our curiosity satisfied by having chats with friends or earwigging into older kids conversations and basically gaining knowledge my osmosis, with the internet and magazines theres just so much more information available.
I read "More" where I was younger and whilst it appeared to be an alright magazine - anyone else remember the "position of the week"? thats kind of what I mean about exposure.
I do however remember going and reading about teen pregnancy, sex, etc when one of my friends at school fell pregnant at 13. Probably would have scared the crud out of my mum if she knew but I wanted to know more, and it was genuine curiosity on my part.
Have you talked to her? I think from the look of it she's either a) been looking up stuff people have mentioned eg nipple piercings, until you've seen one I don't think you'd understand it, thinking back to my 14 year old self I don't think I could have worked out the intricaties of a nipple piercing to be honest or (b) google surfing, you know looking up one thing, it leads you to another search, you look at that it leads you to another site etc and she's just been satisfying her curiosity?
Maybe she didn't tell you because she feared this sort of reaction (and this is not a critism, genuinely) but maybe she thought that she would have been undiscovered and thus no harm caused, or is it possible she was embarrassed to ask you?
On the upside she's not tried to hide it be deleting any of the history either so at least she trusted you that much?
Unfortunately, kids do grow up much quicker these days and whereas before we tended to have our curiosity satisfied by having chats with friends or earwigging into older kids conversations and basically gaining knowledge my osmosis, with the internet and magazines theres just so much more information available.
I read "More" where I was younger and whilst it appeared to be an alright magazine - anyone else remember the "position of the week"? thats kind of what I mean about exposure.
I do however remember going and reading about teen pregnancy, sex, etc when one of my friends at school fell pregnant at 13. Probably would have scared the crud out of my mum if she knew but I wanted to know more, and it was genuine curiosity on my part.
Have you talked to her? I think from the look of it she's either a) been looking up stuff people have mentioned eg nipple piercings, until you've seen one I don't think you'd understand it, thinking back to my 14 year old self I don't think I could have worked out the intricaties of a nipple piercing to be honest or (b) google surfing, you know looking up one thing, it leads you to another search, you look at that it leads you to another site etc and she's just been satisfying her curiosity?
Maybe she didn't tell you because she feared this sort of reaction (and this is not a critism, genuinely) but maybe she thought that she would have been undiscovered and thus no harm caused, or is it possible she was embarrassed to ask you?
On the upside she's not tried to hide it be deleting any of the history either so at least she trusted you that much?
polishrose
Gold Member
Thanks all- the swearing in itself isn't the shock so much as the fact that she described me as a F****** retard to her friends-that hurt.I haven't really spoken to her yet-I was too angry yesterday and today she's been at school and isn't home yet(she's at my parents till 7).
Foosey
Full Member
Hi Rose,
My daughter is 16 going on 30 cos she thinks she knows everything. As for the Facbook, Bebo and MSN I think most teens have them nowadays it really is nothing out of the norm although a bit shocking for the parents.
As for the other sites she was looking at could be just out of curiosity more than anything. They do dicuss these sort of things at school in their PSD classes.
Teenagers really are a breed of their own as they feel they are not kids but we know they are not yet adults.
Please dont feel that you are alone as all of us that have teenagers have been through this or are still going through it.
But as someone previously said if you are too hard on her it might make her more secretive and you wont know whats going on.
Good luck hun xxx
My daughter is 16 going on 30 cos she thinks she knows everything. As for the Facbook, Bebo and MSN I think most teens have them nowadays it really is nothing out of the norm although a bit shocking for the parents.
As for the other sites she was looking at could be just out of curiosity more than anything. They do dicuss these sort of things at school in their PSD classes.
Teenagers really are a breed of their own as they feel they are not kids but we know they are not yet adults.
Please dont feel that you are alone as all of us that have teenagers have been through this or are still going through it.
But as someone previously said if you are too hard on her it might make her more secretive and you wont know whats going on.
Good luck hun xxx
Watergirl
Rock Solid
Wow, Lexie you wrote everything that I would have written. I'm 32 now, but can vividly remember being 14 and it was a time of curiosity.
If I'd had internet access goodness knows what I'd have been looking at.
I would also be upset in your shoes, but I think, as others have said, that perhaps if you talked and she explained you might feel better.
I would have been so upset had one of my Parents looked at a diary and being to access things on a laptop is much the same.
If your Daughter is educating herself about teenage pregnancy then that shows that she is intelligent. If you're anything like me I'd be panicked thinking 'has she had a scare, is she having sex' but it might just be that she wants to know facts.
You sound like a very caring Mum with strong boundaries. This phase doesn't last forever, but I know I put my Parents through utter hell. It's a teenage girl thing - I hope I have boys.
If I'd had internet access goodness knows what I'd have been looking at.
I would also be upset in your shoes, but I think, as others have said, that perhaps if you talked and she explained you might feel better.
I would have been so upset had one of my Parents looked at a diary and being to access things on a laptop is much the same.
If your Daughter is educating herself about teenage pregnancy then that shows that she is intelligent. If you're anything like me I'd be panicked thinking 'has she had a scare, is she having sex' but it might just be that she wants to know facts.
You sound like a very caring Mum with strong boundaries. This phase doesn't last forever, but I know I put my Parents through utter hell. It's a teenage girl thing - I hope I have boys.
polishrose
Gold Member
That's exactly it-I'm panicking and not thinking straight.
Katycakes
Stubborn tortoise
Hiya.
I can totally understand how upset you must feel and I have had something a bit similar... our daughter was periodically banned from bebo/facebook for computer bad behaviour... usually using it without permission or when 'grounded' for something else. She doesn't have laptop of her own... if she did we'd never prise her off it.
She left a bebo page open about 18 months ago and I couldn't help looking & clicking links to some of her pals sites (awful... if it had been a diary, would I have looked? I don't think so!). I was shocked by the language & by what one of her friends was talking about. I know now most of it was bravado, & also trust enough not to look at d's sites these days... I think she needs some privacy and those networking sites are useful ways for young people to communicate.
I know her friends quite well, and like them alot... don't approve of everything they do, but that's OK. I know my d is not approving of everything either. She had a b'friend for 18 months who was lovely but had a lot of home troubles and ended up getting into assorted varieties of trouble... that scared me, but again d seemed to survive this and didn't follow suit, if I had gone crazy over it I guess it could have driven her to test the boundaries more.
We are quite strict I guess... net time has to be requested, and if school work is going badly or kids are grounded those priveliges disappear. Son got laptop for Xmas when he was 16 & a half... but still has to ask for net time! You could try something like that. Our kids seem OK with that, but probably bend rules when we are not around!
I wouldn't worry too much about the net searches... I'd say it's curiosity. I did similar stuff at that age, but using encyclopaedias... the net just opens things up further, you do have to be careful but it doesn't necessarily mean your daughter wants to DO those things. Think you do need to talk, but wait till you are clearer about it & can be calm. Don't treat her as a child as she isn't any more... it's about getting and giving trust, and slowly getting her to open up so you can talk things through. At 13/14 my d was very 'closed' but at 15 she is open and will talk and confide and ask advice... things do get better!
Big hugs Rose... the teen years are trying ones, but you can do this!
xxx
I can totally understand how upset you must feel and I have had something a bit similar... our daughter was periodically banned from bebo/facebook for computer bad behaviour... usually using it without permission or when 'grounded' for something else. She doesn't have laptop of her own... if she did we'd never prise her off it.
She left a bebo page open about 18 months ago and I couldn't help looking & clicking links to some of her pals sites (awful... if it had been a diary, would I have looked? I don't think so!). I was shocked by the language & by what one of her friends was talking about. I know now most of it was bravado, & also trust enough not to look at d's sites these days... I think she needs some privacy and those networking sites are useful ways for young people to communicate.
I know her friends quite well, and like them alot... don't approve of everything they do, but that's OK. I know my d is not approving of everything either. She had a b'friend for 18 months who was lovely but had a lot of home troubles and ended up getting into assorted varieties of trouble... that scared me, but again d seemed to survive this and didn't follow suit, if I had gone crazy over it I guess it could have driven her to test the boundaries more.
We are quite strict I guess... net time has to be requested, and if school work is going badly or kids are grounded those priveliges disappear. Son got laptop for Xmas when he was 16 & a half... but still has to ask for net time! You could try something like that. Our kids seem OK with that, but probably bend rules when we are not around!
I wouldn't worry too much about the net searches... I'd say it's curiosity. I did similar stuff at that age, but using encyclopaedias... the net just opens things up further, you do have to be careful but it doesn't necessarily mean your daughter wants to DO those things. Think you do need to talk, but wait till you are clearer about it & can be calm. Don't treat her as a child as she isn't any more... it's about getting and giving trust, and slowly getting her to open up so you can talk things through. At 13/14 my d was very 'closed' but at 15 she is open and will talk and confide and ask advice... things do get better!
Big hugs Rose... the teen years are trying ones, but you can do this!
xxx
Lexie_dog
UNLEASHING THE BEAST!
I used to call my mum all sorts too, never to her face because that would have hurt her, but that was my reponse to (now but not at the time)* her reasonable and predicable response to my behaviour, but internally and to my friends after an argument, yes. Didn't mean I didn't love her any the less but its one way that teens verbalise their anger towards parents, its also a bonding between teens "My mums an idiot" "yeah so's mines, she wants me in by 10 at night, whats that about" "yeah", most teens would never turn around and say they love their parents all the time.
Its actually not a personal thing although it does feel it. Its more about expressing anger and taking "power back". She'd probably be mortified now if she knows you know.
My husband used to pee in his mums bath after an argument. But not tell her. So she's be lying there soaking in very dilute pee thinking they had made up and he'd be sitting there quietly seething. In his room. Imagining her soaking in his pee.
Sit and have a talk over a hot chocolate or something. Bet she feels worse than you do, even if she won't admit it, 14 year old pride is a big lot of pride.
*eg I can understand now my mum going mental when I came home one day having been to a gay bar the night before. She went and phoned the club so I wouldn't get in underage, I was mortified and hated her for "embarrassing me". I remember standing there thinking "I hate you. I HATE YOU FOREVER" and I must have been glaring at her. I know now why she did it but at the time she was just so unreasonable.
Katycakes
Stubborn tortoise
Just cross posted with a bunch of others... great advice from all.
Picking up on the insult - yup, that had to hurt. But I'm guessing it wasn't just a throwaway insult but posted after you'd done something to upset her (at 14, could have been almost anything!!!) so take it with pinch of salt... kids are more colourful with their insults these days. Chin up honey and give yourself a chance to calm down... and welcome to the world of teen parenting.
xxx
Picking up on the insult - yup, that had to hurt. But I'm guessing it wasn't just a throwaway insult but posted after you'd done something to upset her (at 14, could have been almost anything!!!) so take it with pinch of salt... kids are more colourful with their insults these days. Chin up honey and give yourself a chance to calm down... and welcome to the world of teen parenting.
xxx
ZoBo
Silver Member
I'll probably repeat some of what has been written, BUT I was a horrible horrible teenager.... My mum comes on this site & she can vouch for this as it was her who got the brunt of it!
Wrong crowd, smoking, drinking, messing with drugs, boys, running away, getting suspended from school..... Shall I go on!?
Anyway, I can understand you must be upset & angry but I don't think there are many teenagers who tell their mum everything they do & say. Mostly because they think they won't understand....
She probably thought you might disapprove of the social netwroking sites so didn't bother asking incase you said no. So just did it anyway.... The googling is probably just pure curiosity.... If there are things she doesn't understand, then it isn't a bad thing that she is looking them up to find out what they mean properly....
The "retard" comment I agree is just a throwaway comment..... The names I used to call my mum would turn the air blue..... I used to say most of them to her face & I still didn't mean any of them....
I think cutting off her network to the outside world may not help things in the long run. Have a chat with her & make it clear that she MUST be honest for you to get anywhere..... A month "inside" is a long time for a 14 year old.... lol
Sorry if it is not great advice as I don't have a teenager YET, but I'm sure you will find a way to sort it out... Hugs. xx
Wrong crowd, smoking, drinking, messing with drugs, boys, running away, getting suspended from school..... Shall I go on!?
Anyway, I can understand you must be upset & angry but I don't think there are many teenagers who tell their mum everything they do & say. Mostly because they think they won't understand....
She probably thought you might disapprove of the social netwroking sites so didn't bother asking incase you said no. So just did it anyway.... The googling is probably just pure curiosity.... If there are things she doesn't understand, then it isn't a bad thing that she is looking them up to find out what they mean properly....
The "retard" comment I agree is just a throwaway comment..... The names I used to call my mum would turn the air blue..... I used to say most of them to her face & I still didn't mean any of them....
I think cutting off her network to the outside world may not help things in the long run. Have a chat with her & make it clear that she MUST be honest for you to get anywhere..... A month "inside" is a long time for a 14 year old.... lol
Sorry if it is not great advice as I don't have a teenager YET, but I'm sure you will find a way to sort it out... Hugs. xx
wellandgood
Silver Member
Cant really give anymore advice then whats been said. i have a 15 yr old who is always on Bebo, msn, facebook etc. she also looks up alot of info that i wish she wouldnt. It is so easy now-a-days to just search something rather than ask mum about it. I have a rebellious duaghter, often in trouble at school etc... but i trust her. We often talk openly and Im kinda happy she knows about many things i didnt when I was her age.she chats with wierd dudes for sure which scares me, but I have spoken to her about it. We have to accept these are different times from when we were younger. there is just too much info out there and whether we like it or not, they are gonna hear about it. The best advice, which I echo, is not to panic, dont yell too much, learn how to coax things out at the right time. Start communicating as much as possible(it is hard sometimes). I trust my daughter, but i also know she calls me names (I did it to my mum and dad) and has a few dodgey internet acquaintances, I just learned her "ways" and play with it. She talks with me now(I dont always like the topic or the way she delivers it)
This seems to be your first experience with this sort of thing Rose, it will get better as you learn more about your daughter, either way, all that info and talk is out there and passing her ears and eyes already, laptop or not. A month is a long time to be grounded for a 14 yr old when she is just doing what is normal for this generation.
hope thing improve hun. ((((((hugs)))))). It aint easy!!!!
This seems to be your first experience with this sort of thing Rose, it will get better as you learn more about your daughter, either way, all that info and talk is out there and passing her ears and eyes already, laptop or not. A month is a long time to be grounded for a 14 yr old when she is just doing what is normal for this generation.
hope thing improve hun. ((((((hugs)))))). It aint easy!!!!
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