UmmZakaria's Open & Honest Diary

Day 6, Week 10

Had a lovely lazy morning today as my husband was off work (for a change), I had my shake at 7.30 as I was up early with Zaki but wish I'd waited until at least after 8 - I always regret it when I have my first pack early.

We're off to Nandos this afternoon which will be a bit of a killer but I won't actually be tempted to cheat. I never am tempted to cheat when I'm out strangely enough... must be the same reason why I am a secret eater, no let me rephrase that - why I WAS a secret eater. I'll be having a sparkling water and will have my cranberry bar in my bag in case I get desperate and will just have to watch whilst the two boys tuck into their chicken and chips. To be honest, it's been a long time since the three of us went out to a restaurant, it's something we used to do at least once a week and I miss it... even if I'm not going to be eating.

I've really got the exercise bug at the moment so am going to try and do 20 minutes of the shred DVD later before my last pack of the day. I did it on my own yesterday but I'm sure that the husband and toddler will have great fun watching me doing jumping jacks and lifting cans of beans in the air!!

I've been avidly reading lots of the RTM threads over the last couple of days - I'm thinking that preparation is the key so if I can begin to get my head around it then it won't be such a big scary thing when I start it. I've joined the June challenge and am hoping I can lose 14lb before I go on hols on 23rd May - let's just wait and see. I know I discussed this on another thread yesterday but I haven't made a decision yet about how I will handle LL whilst on hols. I have made the decision that I won't be staying abstinent but I think that doing LL Lite will probably be the best thing to do - a combination of being able to enjoy a family meal whilst having the packs to keep me on the straight and narrow and stop me freaking out. There's a VERY slim chance that I may be on my first week of RTM but I don't think I'll be quite there.

If I were to do Lite for a week then come back and do another few weeks of abstinence, would this not then make RTM a bit redundant if I've already eaten food for a week? I am absolutely set on doing the full RTM programme though so I guess I'll just have a chat with my LLC about it.

Have a great afternoon and evening everyone... I'm looking forward to Britain's Got Talent this evening (oh what an exciting life I lead lol)

xxx
 
Day 7, Week 10

I've got my weigh in this afternoon at 4. I can't wait, I'm really hoping that I'll have had a good loss this week - I think I need it to keep my motivation going.

Yesterday was pretty fab, we went to the Trafford Centre. I've said all along that once I reach my goal I'm going to treat myself to a new pair of jeans (and not a moment before). I tried on the most gorgeous pair of Levis yesterday - size 32 waist and they fit :) I fell in love with them and it was so tempting to buy them but I really want to wait now until I'm at the size I want to be. It felt a bit rubbishy putting on my Dorothy Perkins skinnies after wearing my dream pair lol. The best part of the experience though was when I asked the sales guy if they had them in a size bigger than a 32 waist and he said "no, but 32 is a 14 you know so I'm sure you won't need bigger". My dh was giggling at me because he knew how good that comment made me feel! Whoop whoop.

Nandos was fine - I had my bar in the car on the way so I was full up at least. I got quite annoyed with them though. Zakaria is 2 years old and we ordered from the kids menu for him. We asked for his chicken breast strips with no spice on them. They arrived and he popped one in his mouth, turned purple (no joke) and started screaming. It was so obvious it was too spicy, I put a piece on my tongue to taste it and it was burning hot. I sent it back and asked for some plain chicken and they brought some fresh back, equally as spicy. Grrrr. I just think it's ridiculous that they are incapable of providing plain chicken, especially for kids. I'm getting through 1 bottle of Tabasco every 2 weeks on LL so it's not as though I'm not used to spice!

Zaki and I did 20 minutes of the 30 day shred DVD this morning - OMG, I love it! I feel the burn and worked up a sweat but it's a doable work out (level one obviously lol) and I can't wait to get to RTM and really go for it!

Have a fantastic day everyone - enjoy your packs and the sunshine xx
 
Day 1, Week 11

Oh my word, I am so regretting doing that shred DVD yesterday!! I feel crippled lol. My LLC actually told me to slow down yesterday with it as she thinks it's too much for me to do on abstinence daily. I'm not going to argue with that - it's really knocked me for 6! Just been for a long walk with Zakaria and come back and am exhausted. I'm getting a bit frustrated now with not being able to exercise as I would like to but I'm on the home straight now so hopefully not too long until I can up my calorie intake and start exercising properly.

So, my big happy news of the day is that at my weigh in last night I had lost 6lbs! Finally, a big loss! Admitedly it was for 9 days instead of 7 but even still. I have now lost a total of 3st 1lb and am sitting nicely at 13st on the LL scales (12st, 12lbs at home). I am so pleased - I also asked to be measured and wa absolutely gobsmacked at my inch loss :) I still can't really get my head around the fact that I have lost that many inches - when she showed me on the tape measure where I was 11 weeks ago I really didn't believe it and am not sure I do still. A bit upsetting to get my head around how big I actually was.

We had a fantastic group session last night - it was just me and another lady who I really like and it was a locum LLC and I loved it. My LLC is fantastic but it was really useful to have a different approach and I was quite pleased to find out that she will be doing the RTM when I get there :)

I had the shepherds pie last night for the first time and I think my husband was slightly put off his dinner by my groaning and moaning sounds whilst I was eating it. I genuinly loved it, it was so tasty and such a refreshing change. I've got minestrone for lunch so I'll see what I think of that, I'm quite looking forward to some noodle action. I decided this week to drop the number of bars I get so let's see how I do back on 2 shakes and 2 soups / stodges a day.

Have a great day everyone :)
 
Fabulous loss Hun how exciting getting past the 3 stone mark it's a milestone for many of us, I am not sure how much you have left to go as I am on my I phone which doesnt show them. You rock, into the 12's next time for you lovely yay x

As for the exercise listen to your body you don't want to over do it! Also don't just consider shred as your exercise the fact your walked today will still be a great help.


Have a fab day xx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins
 
Thanks guys :) xxx
 
Fab weight loss, doing well. Not far to go now xx
 
fabulous news on ur loss!!!! u must be chuffed to bits x
 
Result!!!
Well done! :)

Sent from my iPhone 4 using MiniMins
 
Disaster Day

Week 11, Day 4

So it's 9.30am only and already my day has been a disaster.

**Food talk below**

I woke up this morning with an urge to binge and I don't know why. I honestly, truly don't know why and that is stressing me out as I thought I'd got this thing cracked. I'm not stressed, I'm not down, I'm not even bored today but I just wanted to eat. Before 7am I had eaten a few mouthfuls of leftover shepherds pie, a piece of cheese and a mouthful of cake (which I spat out). I seem to have got into this habit of eating things and spitting them out. It's like I'm feeling deprived of eating and tasting nice things. I then ended up finishing off Zaki's easter egg and got a huge bout of the guilts so did 20 minutes of my shred DVD which made me feel great. Drank lots of water and then before I knew it I had started eating again. I had my shake then 2 small pieces of birthday cake, a small piece of sponge cake and a can of tuna with yoghurt. I shovelled it in like a woman possessed and then made myself sick.

I don't understand why I am reacting like this and at the time being sick seemed like a rational, sensible thing to do and then I stopped myself and started thinking how ridiculous I was being. It's the second time that I've made myself sick on LL and it's scaring me a bit that for a few minutes I actually feel that it's the best thing to do. Why oh why oh why do I want to binge eat? I'm doing so bloody well on this diet and then an episode like this makes me realise how far I have yet to go (psychologically) and how easy it would be for me to completely mess this all up once I get to goal.

I really don't know what to do about it - if I can't identify why I'm bingeing then how the hell can I sort it out? Feel like such an idiot today. If I had been down today about something or had an argument or got stressed I'd understand how I'd gone off the rails but I feel at limbo and lost.

Why do other people binge eat? Why am I binge eating? I don't get it and I want to cry. I feel terrible and my tummy hurts now, I'm pretty sure I've knocked myself out of ketosis which is stupid in itself. I feel like such an idiot with only a stone to go till goal and I'm sabotaging sabotaging. I dont really know why I'm writing this all down but I kind of feel that if I keep it all in then that's worse and keeping me in denial. I can't talk to my husband about this as he wouldn't understand and I don't want to burden him with my issues to have them blow up in my face at a later stage once I've (hopefully) dealt with them.

I feel like a lost cause at the moment.
 
I half want to ring my LLC but am scared that there's some sort of rule that if anyone makes themselves sick that I won't be able to carry on with the programme. I'm not bulemic but am a bit scared that if I carry on with this mentality that it's something that could start to creep up on me.
 
Right step one. Breathe! Calm down! Stop!

You are ok, you are not a lost cause. Out of character to act this way, but not the end of the world.

In work at the mo so cant do a long reply.

Phone the LLC and tell her you have binged. discuss the feelings around the binge and the thoughts of wanting to purge. May want to withold the information about actually being sick, but if it becomes a regular occurance you will need to discuss it with her.

Get on the phone, get out of the kitchen.!

Thinking of you xx
 
Oh sweetheart, bless you!!

You should ring your LLC, its up to you how much you tell her about your binge of course.

I thinks its a really, really good thing you posted about it on here. - As you say it is an open and honest diary.

If the pressure of doing this diet is so great that you feel you have to resort to purging, then you need to address it, quickly.

It is very difficult getting close to goal and sabotaging is something I can really relate to. Use the skills you have learned in group work to identify what initiated this. There will have been a thought process involved however subconscious!! Fear of success is often sitting there somewhere.

When we go off track, however badly, we can learn something about ourselves if we take the time to do the work.

We are all doing this for our own reasons, but mostly because of our "disfunctional" relationship with food. It is our drug of choice - if you like.

Keep blogging, ask for help and dont be too hard on yourself. What you need to avoid is a repeat of this, and a new pattern forming.

Thinking of you - xx

 
Oh hun, I’ve just been reading your diary, first chance I’ve had …. you are doing so well.

I agree with the ladies …call your LLC that’s what they are there for. You’ve been on the diet some time now, maybe normal that your body is craving food.
Don’t panic, stay calm, keep posting.

I’m in work too but will make sure I keep your diary open if you need to post.

We are all here for you
 
Thank you so much for your replies girls, it means a lot. This forum is a bit like therapy lol! Seriously though, thank you for taking the time out to read my thoughts and to help me try to get back on track :)

I really don't know what's come over me today so luckily my LLC has a pop-in tomorrow morning so I will go in and have a chat with her. I'm not worrying about the purging too much as I know deep down it was a silly thing to do and I honestly don't think it's a habit I will get into. The bingeing on the other hand is something I could easily get back into so need to address it head on.

Hannah, I have read before about people self sabotaging when they get close to goal. I've never understood it but this may well be something that I am doing subconsciously - if that's the case hopefully I can figure out why and put a stop to it. I've been wondering whether I should consider moving to LL Lite for the last hurdle but the one thing that is stopping me doing is this is that the 12 week RTM for Total seems to be just what I need and I know it's only 4 weeks for Lite. I'm going on hols in a couple of weeks and have been stressing for ages (and still am I guess) about what plan of action I'm going to take so maybe there's something to do with that going on in my head. Who knows but hopefully my LLC will help me get my head in the right place tomorrow morning.

Today is my child minding day and the one year old has been asleep for nearly 3 hours - easiest job I've ever done LOL! My little one however is causing havoc in here so better go :) Hope everyone is having a good day and my day can only get better now so let's give it a go! xxx
 
Good for you hun, Your taking control of the situation.

Oh and BTW, you and your are not boring, so stop apologising! I loved reading it :D xxxxx
 
Excellent!! I hope she helps you make the right choice for you!!

I think we can focus SO much on losing the weight, getting to a certain number, dress size etc etc. That when we get close we realise our actual lives have not changed that much just our outer image. My "fat" head has still not really caught up with my leaner body!! Eg still trying on size 18's!!

There is safety in the program with such strict rules. When we approach goal we have to start to deal with the real world of food and eating.

I highly recommend doing RTM, you learn so much.

But doing Lite has taught me lots too. As you are already making food choices the RTM is shorter. Introducing trigger foods on RTM etc. You can repeat weeks too. I repeated cheese week!! Ha ha as I got carried away and realised it was a big trigger for me.

See if you can go back to the time before you binged and feel what emotion was there. Then do a thought record. It will be a good place to start in order to prevent future episodes.

Xx
 
Thats great that u are going to see ur LLC.... a face to face meeting will be very helpful. im glad u posted ur thoughts we are all hear to listen and offer you advice hun xxxxx
 
Glad to hear that you are going to see your LLC and you are not in the crisis.

No great insights as to why you went on a bender. Sometimes sh*t happens. Triggers don't always have to be immediate either they can due to something that has been lurking for a while. Anxiety about the holiday ? Or something else that is going on.

Have often felt the desparation of a binge and the inability to stop the eating. Can loose all concious thought, then wake up and be very regretful.

Use it as a learning experience x
 
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