UmmZakaria's Open & Honest Diary

Discussion in 'LL Diaries' started by UmmZakaria, 21 April 2011 Social URL.

  1. UmmZakaria

    UmmZakaria Full Member

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    **Warning - some food talk**

    I am nearing the end of week 9 of Lighter Life and I have just had my first proper lapse. I have been told that putting things down into writing helps so... here I am. I have a blog but it's not a specific LL blog so I figured I can be a lot more open and honest here without fear of any judgement - and hopefully will be able to get a bit of support and encouragement along the way.

    I started LL weighing 16st 1lb. I have lost 36lb in total so far and now weigh 13st 7lb which is the lowest I can remember ever having weighed as an adult. At my biggest I was over 18 stone. My goal weight is 12 stone so I have just over 20lb more to lose. I am 5ft 11.

    I have been doing really well, a bit of picking over the last couple of weeks and then today I just got so bored and had a proper lapsed. The crooked thinking was going crazy. I know that we're not supposed to talk about conventional food but I really feel that it will help me to fess up about what I ate as I am so ashamed of myself. I have always been a secret eater and I feel that by not sharing what I've eaten that I am creeping back to that way of life again.

    It started off picking at the omelette I'd made my son for lunch, then I started picking at his chocolate - and then ended up finishing off his chocolate egg (gaaaah). My thinking was then, well I've blown it haven't I, I've taken myself out of ketosis so I might as well have some of that bread and butter that I've been craving. So I had two slices and some microwave chips. I then ate a packet of smoked salmon.

    I feel like such a loser, such a failure and I don't know why I did it as I was fully aware of what I was doing but I was trying to justify it to myself the whole way.

    I wasn't emotionally eating - there's nothing causing me stress or upset at the moment. The kids (one mind and the other one I childmind for every Thursday) were asleep in bed and I was bored. I honestly think that it was as simple as that. I eat when I'm not doing anything - it's how I piled the weight on and it will be my undoing if I'm not careful.

    I am determined to draw a line under the sand and carry on into abstinence as I am so desperate to beat this ridiculous food obsession but I feel so foolish for caving in. I don't want to tell my husband as he was telling me how proud he is of me and treated me to some new clothes at the weekend. I feel like I've cheated him in a way by pretending to be such a success and then eating behind his back.

    Anyway, I my husband is at work tonight so I will be bored again later so am sure I'll be writing some more later.

    Thanks to anyone who has read this and I hope I haven't been TOO boring!
     
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  3. LadyT

    LadyT Tough But Sexy X

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    Aw poor you, you seem to be neating yourself for it and I totally understand why you would but I think as you say draw a line under it and onwards and downwards as we often say!

    I do sympathise as I too am a boredom eater and thankfully I have managed to stay abstinenet for 12 weeks so far, my determination is luckily has far outweighed the need to eat at the moment and hope it continues.

    Maybe have a nice bath or do some gardening later when your hubby is out.

    Well done on your losses so far! xx
     
  4. UmmZakaria

    UmmZakaria Full Member

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    Thanks for your reply :) I am beating myself up a bit to be honest, I just worry so much that I am going to fail at this like I have with every other diet.

    So, I haven't had my 4th foodpack tonight as I think that would just be silly. My tummy feels all full and horrible so I'm going to sit here and drink lots of water and have a relaxing evening. I have decided I'm not going to tell my husband I lapsed but I have a pop-in tomorrow so will go and get weighed, find out the damage and I then have 9 days to do a solid chunk before my next WI.

    I think I need to break this week down into day by day pieces so I don't feel overwhelmed. I'm going to pat myself on the back for every single day that I get through without picking. Then once I've proved to myself I can do this then I can chill out a little bit again and just kind of get on with it like I have been doing.

    I'm really looking forward to tomorrow as I'm going for a picnic with two friends and their kids so it should be really good fun. I don't worrry at all about lapsing in this kind of situation as I know it just won't be an issue. My one and only weak point is being on my own, a bit self indulgent and generally bored. I went for a curry buffet with my parents last weekend and I was absolutely fine. I just kept topping up my glass with water and we had a lovely time. My little man was fast asleep in his buggy so there was no stress, just a really nice calm meal (for them!)

    My husband came back from town last weekend with some clothes for me and I'm going to go and try those on in a minute to motivate me. The trousers are a size 14 and whilst I can do them up they are quite tight at the top so will feel so much better when I've shred a few more pounds. He also bought me a gorgeous top and cardigan from Gap but they were just too small - I am very tall but have a ridiculously long torso too so it's really hard finding tops that are long enough. Plus because I'm muslim I like to wear tops that cover my bum so that's always an extra challenge. It's a lot easier to wear dresses but sometimes I do like to find longer tops because they can be so flattering. I took the top and cardi back to Gap and bought myself a lovely top from Long Tall Sally and I can't wait for a reason now to wear my new outfit. Toddlers and nice clothes aren't the best combination (especially when the clothes are dusty pink and white) so I'm going to wait for a baby sitter before wearing them for the first time.

    Anyway, I think I better stop writing now as I don't want to bore everyone to death with my constant babble. I'm just trying really hard to sit and take stock tonight and concentrate on how great this diet is and how fantastic I feel in general now that I've lost so much weight. I WILL get to my goal and I am going to do everything I can to stop sabotaging that.

    Hope you all have a lovely night and I'll "see" you all soon x
     
  5. HannahNewton

    HannahNewton Loves to post

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    Don't be too harsh on yourself. Another day tomorrow, take one day or even one pack at a time. You know what to do 4 packs plenty of water...

    If you have done thought records in group they can be useful. You need to rewind to before the snacking started and discover the thought process that lead to the nibbling. You can then develop a strategy if there is a next time!!

    I've been there and got back on track more than once. Don't let one slip become a reason to give up.

    You have done really well so far!! Xx
     
  6. northernnat

    northernnat Full Member

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    Aww I know how you feel. I eat when bored too! It's a pain in the ass. The main thing is don't let yourself get bored. If sound simple but we all know it isn't. I have my small clothes hung around my kitchen to remind me of what I am aiming for. My skinny jeans are hung over my fridge! I think it's easier when you live alone though a I do as you don't have anyones food to pick at.

    All I can say is you have come so far and have done so well. Keep at it and don't let one day ruin your amazing achievements. Keep going love. You can do it x x
     
  7. UmmZakaria

    UmmZakaria Full Member

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    LOL - It sounds so simple when you put it like that... and it is! It's crazy when our thinking goes a bit haywire :cry: Thanks for your message :)
     
  8. UmmZakaria

    UmmZakaria Full Member

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    That really made me giggle but it's such a good idea! It is difficult having to cook for the family but then again I guess as it's something I enjoy doing then it keeps me occupied. Would love to see dh's reaction though if he got in to my jeans on the fridge lol! x
     
  9. UmmZakaria

    UmmZakaria Full Member

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    I had my week 9 weigh in a couple of days early today (because of Easter Sunday) and thankfully I have lost something... albeit just a measly 1lb loss. After yesterday's disaster I am pretty chuffed - it would have been gutting to have a STS or a gain so early on.

    My LLC was absolutely lovely and we had a good chat about why I ate (boredom) and she was saying that it's a good thing in the long run that I've had this blip as it will help me in the future and it's good to be able to identify why I eat. She gave me a big hug when I left and told me I'm doing so well which put me in a great mood - it's so good to have such fantastic support :)

    I've had a pretty fab day. We went off for our picnic in the park which was great fun. The kids (my 2 year old and then another 2 one year olds) created havoc with the picnic and ate strawberries dipped in hummus etc!!! I had my bottles of fizzy water whilst my friends enjoyed their Shloer. I enjoyed my cranberry bar - I'd put it next to the freezer pack in the bag so that it was all frozen and chewy, delicious and lasted ages! It's crazy how something like a picnic is a breeze to me but then sitting on the sofa whilst my son naps is an absolute killer. I'm just not used to being on my own and not eating. When my husband is at home I don't eat either.... I'm a true secret eater. Sorry, I'll rephrase that - I WAS a secret eater, I absolutely refuse to go back there.

    Feeling a lot more cheery and positive today. I need to lose 5lb to hit the 3 stone mark - I've got 9 days to do it and I'm going to give it a damn good shot this week! Copius amounts of water and spacing out my packs.

    Anyway, I better go as I'm cooking dinner at the moment and don't want a burnt pan. It's really struck me recently that I cook really healthy, balanced meals - if it wasn't for my secret bread and chocolate scoffing then I'd be fine. I will beat this!!

    Hope everyone has had a happy, successful day xxx
     
  10. Clarabow

    Clarabow Silver Member

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    You write well why on earth would you think it would be boring? lol Its only through people writting their ramblings down do they learn and in turn give others the opportunity to share that learning. Long may the rambling continue.
    Well done in getting to week 9 and maintianing the plan, great loss by the way.

    Onwards and downwards.
     
  11. UmmZakaria

    UmmZakaria Full Member

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    Awww thanks Clarabow - everyone else's diaries are interesting so was worried about being boring lol! X

    Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins
     
  12. UmmZakaria

    UmmZakaria Full Member

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    Today has been a really positive day so far and I think I've had a bit of a lightbulb moment about my eating. I used to be the sort of person that didn't really like spending time on my own - I liked my own space but would choose to spend my days and evenings with friends wherever possible. When I first met my (now) husband I hated it when he was working in the evenings and loved spending as much time with him as possible. Over the last, I'd say 6 years, I have become much more recluse choosing my own company over other people's quite a bit. I've always thought that this is because I've changed as I've got older, perhaps that I've become more confident in myself as a person and am happy in my own company. Over the last few weeks I have identified that my ONE trigger is boredom. I eat or want to eat when I am sat on the sofa on my own. Now that I have taken food out of the equation it's been a bit of a shocker to realise that I don't like spending time alone because I like my own company but because it is the only time I can eat whatever and however I like. I was doing the washing up earlier and it suddenly hit me like a sledgehammer and to be honest it freaked me out and made me cry. I have spent so much time and energy over the last few years making sure that I get as much time on my own as possible to enable me to eat. I don't eat a lot in front of my friends, at work or with my husband because I'm embarrassed and would hate them to think I'm being "greedy". What I've been doing is preparing my eating times. For example, if I knew that my husband was going to be working late then I would "prepare" by going to the supermarket and stocking up on chocolate, nuts, carbs (mainly bread stuff), getting my son off to bed and then sitting and keeping myself company.

    I think that somewhere along the line I started using food when I was lonely, at home alone etc. but as time has gone on I have been deliberately making myself lonely in order to give myself the excuse to eat. I don't know if what I am writing is making any sense but I can feel a huge weight lifting off my shoulders as I write this.

    Today when I put my son down to nap I had an action plan in place. I made my soup and got my drinks all ready and sat and watched one of my programmes (this is what I do every single day) and then made myself get off my bum and go and do some cleaning, have a shower and make myself pretty for the day (lol). I have arranged to meet my husband (he's out watching the football at the moment) for coffee at 4 o clock whereas I would normally choose to stay home and have coffee here.

    I'm not under any illusion that I have been "cured" but I am feeling really really positive for identifying this trait. I am going to stop trying to make time to be on my own every single day as I don't need it - it is when I do this that I start craving and picking at food. One of my dreams is to be at my goal weight and be open and honest with everybody about what I've eaten. I know this may sound small but to me it would be huge. I'd love to be able to say to my husband, let's go out for a curry tonight, and be able to choose what I actually WANT off the menu instead of the meal which makes it look like I'm trying to be healthy (when i've actually been eating bagels and Dairy Milk all afternoon). I want to be able to say to him "blimey, I'm SO full", "I don't think I'll ever eat again" after having a normal meal and actually meaning it. I want to trust myself around food and be able to behave "normally" around it, in the same way that I see other (slim) friends and family do. As I said yesterday, I cook and eat healthy meals at home - I want to get into the habit of that being normal and not wanting snacks inbetween. I also want to get into the habit of knowing that if I'm going out for a proper meal or am going to over indulge slightly then I will do an extra 20 minutes exercise or ensure that I have fruit for breakfast that morning etc.

    Anyway, I don't know how long I have been typing for and I am fully aware that I am writing this just for myself but if anyone has managed to make it to the end of this essay then I wonder if anything that I've written makes any sense???
     
  13. HannahNewton

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    Like you say a BIG light bulb moment for you. You will be able to look back at your diary in the future and see how far you have come. Amazing lady!!

    You can now work out how to change things to make them really work for you.

    I love the idea of you arranging to have a coffee date with your husband later!!

    Do try to make the most of the time your little one naps for, they dont do it forever. :) I have just given myself a pedicure, I can reach my feet really easily now!!

    Enjoy the rest of your day xx
     
  14. LadyT

    LadyT Tough But Sexy X

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    I totally connected to what you have written as it almost mirrored my life prior to LL. Root cause analysis is the only way to deal with your food demons and like you I had that lightbulb moment! I too try to fill my time with something to do rather than be alone, it is difficult as I am single with grown up children and friends who are totally loved up so evenings are still a challenge! For me identifying my weakness as boredom eating was a big moment and only forces me to stay 100% abstinent, it's a battle of the wills, but internally with my sub conscious! I am definately winning!

    Stay strong lovely xx

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  15. UmmZakaria

    UmmZakaria Full Member

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    This is something I'm terrified of LOL! Thanks for your lovely message - I love the support from this forum :)
     
  16. UmmZakaria

    UmmZakaria Full Member

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    Thanks for your reply :) You are doing so well it's so reassuring to know that someone that is so successful on this diet has similar demons to me (I hope that doesn't sound bad, I'm obviously not happy about it but you know what I mean...) This diet is just so good, I honestly think that even if I were to lose all the weight, without the group sessions and the support that I have gained online (here, the LL forum and Twitter) I don't think there's a chance in hell that I would have identified these things and would just put the weight back on. I am absolutely determined NOT to do this. Keep up the good work, I want to be a winner with you! xx
     
  17. Clarabow

    Clarabow Silver Member

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    Heck of an insight. It's quite shocking when stuff hits us like that out of the blue. First step of change is acknowledging the problem, lol also helps if you can define what that problem is. My lighter life counsellor often likens traditional diets as like taking cough medicine to cure a smokers cough. Treating the symptom rather than the underlying problem. Lighter life is the only program that looks at both shifting the weight fast and sorting out the problems we have stored underneath.

    Onwards and downwards lovely x
     
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  19. UmmZakaria

    UmmZakaria Full Member

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    It was a proper shock - I think because I'd decided that I had "explored" all my triggers and had basically come to the conclusion that I'm a bit of an empty book and am obviously just greedy. It was a relief in a way to actually have something a bit gritty to get my teeth into!
     
  20. UmmZakaria

    UmmZakaria Full Member

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    Day 7, Week 9

    Today would normally be my weigh in day but I obviously had that on Friday. I had told myself that I wasn't going to hop on the scales until my WI next Sunday but I couldn't resist. And... I was down 4lb since Friday morning! Eh? On the scales this morning I was 13st 1lb which is like a dream come true - I am so close to seeing a 12 on the scales that I can almost touch it! The scales at my meeting tend to be 1-2lbs higher than my scales at home but I am thinking it is feasible that at my next WI I may hit the 3 stone mark.

    I had a good day yesterday - after my lightbulb moment I went on my coffee date with the husband (with the toddler as a gooseberry!) I had a big Americano with my cranberry bar and he had a latte with a chocolate twist (lucky boy lol!) We then went chasing pigeons with Zakaria which was really fun and a good bit of exercise for me. It's his favourite thing at the moment which is a bit of a bonus although I am terrified that one day he will actually catch a pigeon!

    I noticed my husband looking at me funny as we were walking and typical me reverted to my usual "why are you looking at me funny?" in an accusing tone to which he normally answers "I'm not, I'm not" (even though I'm convinced he's looking at my blubber in horror). Well yesterday his response was "I'm looking at your tummy, it's so flat, you look amazing" AWWWWWW! My husband isn't one to pay false compliments - this can sometimes be very hurtful, especially when I'm just about to leave the house and ask "how do I look?" and he'll say "ok" (thanks very bloody much) but when he does pay me a compliment I know that he means it.

    I really couldn't be bothered to cook yesterday so Zaki had some left over lamb and green beans from the night before and I suggested dh got a take away curry (am I insane???) Well he ummed and aahd as felt bad about eating it in front of me (curry is my favourite food and it's something that we have always enjoyed together - he said he felt like he was cheating me by eating it in front of me) but then trundled off to get one. I am proud to say that it didn't bother me at all. I had a litre of fizzy water and my chicken soup and was so full by the time he got back that I just sat and giggled at Britain's Got Talent whilst he ate.

    I'm anticipating that today might be a bit of a tough one because dh is working and all my friends are busy or away so it's just me and the toddler today. I'm going to sit and write a list of things I want to do today and make a bit of a plan to try and avoid boredom. Because boredom = picking at fodder. I might try and pop down to the museum after naptime as he loves running about looking at the stuffed animals and perhaps then pop for coffee at "bar time" (4 o clock). I am such a sucker for routine - I have to have my packs at the allocated times. 8am = Vanilla shake with coffee, 12pm = soup, 4pm = bar & 8pm = soup. I've realised that planning is key with me and control. Every week after my weekend I sit and write down my weekly plan for my packs and what I'll have each day and I've decided that I will start doing weekly meal plans when I'm back on food.

    Anyway, once again I've started writing and can't stop but I will do now. I could sit and write on here all day but always struggle about what to write on my blog (don't want to bore people with my constant battles with food). Have a great day everyone and for those of you celebrating Easter then.. Happy Easter x
     
  21. Clarabow

    Clarabow Silver Member

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    Well done you on resisting the curry, weakness for me as well. Have a good day and stay busy x
     
  22. UmmZakaria

    UmmZakaria Full Member

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    Day 1, Week 10

    Well here I am - at the beginning of my 10th week, I can't believe I've come this far.

    Yesterday was a pretty good day, in fact it was a great day diet wise. This website is proving really helpful for me, it's such a distraction. I'm slowly working my way through all the online diaries, it's reassuring to know that others have been and are going through the same emotions as me.

    Zaki and I went out for the afternoon, we got the bus which is always fun, we didn't take the buggy so we could sit upstairs and "drive" the bus! All the shops were closed (apart from Foot Locker bizarrely) so we ran up and down Market Street chasing pigeons and stopping to have a quick dance to the numerous buskers that were out. We went and sat in Caffe Nero for quite a while, Zaki had one of those huge chocolate coins that they do and he absolutely loved it. I try not to give him sweet stuff or chocolate often so when I do it's a real novelty for him.

    When dh got in from work I went off in the car on my own for a bit trying to find the missing bits for dinner. I managed to find a baguette at the petrol station's Somerfield but couldn't find harissa anywhere (it's a north african chilli paste - a bit like tomato puree but blows your head off, my husband eats it with everything and we'd run out). I found a lovely little shop not far from our flat which sold it which was a bit of a random find but good to know for the future.

    It's exactly 4 weeks until our holiday now and I can't wait! It's going to be our first proper holiday since Zakaria was born - just the three of us :) My husband's family live abroad and so do mine (although they're moving back to the UK in the autumn - yay!) so we tend to have our holidays going to see them, which is great but it will be really special to have a week in the sun alone. We're off to Corfu for a week - we've chosen somewhere that looks really easy with little kids and we've gone for all inclusive which should make things easy with Zaki. Our holidays always revolve around food so we decided to take the decision making out of this holiday, no deciding where to eat or having to choose off menus. We'll eat because we have to (I still haven't decided what my plan of action will be, I want to see how far off goal I am before deciding) but our real pleasure is going out for coffees so we'll do our exploring finding little cafes to try.

    I'm ridiculously broody at the moment but we've decided to wait until next year to start trying for another one. It sounds silly perhaps but I have invested so much into this diet that I want to reach goal, enjoy being slim and really get my head around eating and exercsing to maintain my weight before throwing a pregnancy into the mix. I gained about 3 stone over my last pregnancy but was really lucky in that I lost all the baby weight (and more) in 5 months due to breastfeeding but I don't know if I'd be lucky next time around so I want to get my head in the right place to stop myself putting too much on. Saying this though, I'm friends with a girl who is now 38 weeks pregnant and she's only put 10lb on!!!!!!!! WTH?

    Anyway, time to start my day - I've supped down my vanilla coffee shake and should probably think about jumping in the shower now and making myself look presentable. I hope everyone has a wonderful, positive day :)

    As the lovely Clarabow says.... Onwards and downwards ;)
     
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