Vodka is my Saviour.

[floss]

Please excuse the diary title, im sure ill regret it tomorrow but as I write this I have just got in from an evening of salsa dancing and vodka diet cokes so im a little tipsy! Today was my day 1, I planned to have soup for dinner but ended up going out instead so my daily intake has been 4 cups of tea and 4/5 vodka diet coke's...! Not the best start but hey...I got my heart broken two weeks ago, im a student and im in pain so im allowed

I just hope im under 500 for the day, a shot of vodka is around 55 calories so i should be okay...4x tea = 100, 5 x vodka's = 250 ish so all good Now for a cup of tea and into bed! Cant believe i got through day 1, i was so miserable today, missing the ex so much i was sure i would binge! Anyway...here's to my first up day tomorrow...night night xx

 

[bajoleth]

Aww bless you, you did well I would have to have binged after a couple of vodkas, enjoy your up day today!! If you take a look at the food low in cals thread then perhaps you can plan your food for tomorrow, can't recomend you have vodka every down day

 

[floss]

Haha thanks, i dont think my head will thank me if i have any more voka either! It wasn't particularly happy when my halls fire alarm went off at 7 this morning and I had to trundle outside...HEADACHE! Im on the tea, it's weird to think I can have anything now!

 

[Karenlou]

Enjoy your up day floss x

 

[floss]

Well...I ended up sleeping most of my up day! Was a little hungover...im such a lightweight! I only had about 1200 calories in the end, had a lovely fish pie with veg for dinner and lots of fruit DD today, did feel a little wobbly in my (4 hour!) lecture this morning...but it was incredibly dull and the mind wanders! But im okay, got some lovely leek and potato soup for tonight and feeling good. Tried to go to the gym yesterday, did 10 mins on the bike and the ex rings me...spent the next 45 minutes on the phone to him! Glad he rang though...we'd been fighting and he was finally honest with me. Ofcourse I cant just stop loving him, and it will hurt for a long time but im glad we're okay and I feel a little more at peace with it all. x

 

[bajoleth]

Hope things get better for you soon :hug99:

 

[floss]

So iv realised that it's not his fault he stopped being in love with me. He is in a lot of self-hatred and guilt related anguish over everything, I know he feels awful about hurting me so much over the course of our relationship. It was never intentional, he's a good person but he wasn't ready for a long term, long distance relationship and while he treated me beautifully when we were physically together, he was very selfish and awful at putting us first. He wishes I hated him or I was angry, but I just cant be. I care for him, he gave me so much and I really think we can be good friends after enough time has passed. It was never meant to be.

Apologies for boy rambling, just helps to get it out there. Went to the gym tonight as I was so bored and loved it because I got to watch a film. (I dont have a tv!) I havnt really been hungry today, just a little spacey. I think as time goes on I shall start to eat much more on my up days which will help with that though, right now I just feel very strange. Iv started back on my anti-depressents, I was worried I might spiral if I didnt, plus they always helped me with binging...it was when my binging got really really bad I would realise I was in need of them again...so maybe thats why my appetite is a little less? Anyway, ill shush now and post my food:

tea with milk x 2 = 50
tea with soya x 3 - 45
leek & potato soup = 220
apple = 80
Hot chocolate = 40

= 425

x

 

[floss]

Im exhausted. Im sleeping really badly and I know im not doing this diet like I should be. Im having 500 on down days and 1200 on up, but to be honest im only eating to stop me feeling worse and make my headache go away, on my up day yesterday it took me like an hour to eat my dinner because I was forcing it down, I have no appetite really im just tired
Im hoping as time goes on ill be able to get up to a higher calorie amount but I worry ill mess up any weight loss. My first weigh in is tomorrow but I wont be able to weigh on the same scales so it will probably not be great. I just feel completely sad and lonely.

 

[Karenlou]

Thinking of you hon x

 

[bajoleth]

Awww sweetheart, I wish I could give you a cuddle you sound like you need one, I would try to eat more on your up days it wont affect your loss, in fact it will probably help as the diet stops your body going into starvation mode by eating more cals on your up day. I am here to support you but do you think its the best time to be on a diet? If it helps you be in control of something then thats fine just remember to be kind to yourself x

 

[floss]

Thankyou for your replies, it's lovely to have the support. Although it's a bit weird over 200 people have read this...maybe I shouldnt be so personal!
Okay, so today is day 1 of week 2 I weighed this morning on my new scales and it says i have lost 6 pounds. I know its really stupid but I was a little disappointed! Every other time iv started a diet iv lost 7 in the first week, but thinking about it I think if id weighed for my starting weight on these they would have said more than the others as they are brand new and super sensitive...either way im glad I got through my first week and here's to the next! UD today...oh what to have! x

 

[bajoleth]

Brilliant loss, well done you, remember to enjoy your up days its what makes this diet do able long term. Always here when you need a shoulder :grouphugg:

 

[Karenlou]

Wow, 6lbs - well done you; that's an excellent loss. Keep up the good work x

 

[floss]

Today has been so stressy *sigh* My need to majorly binge has been unreal. I know it has nothing to do with hunger because I can feel that my stomach is satisfied but ARGH Iv wanted to binge so bad. I went to the gym to try and shake it, only thing that worked was running, well jogging. I usually give up after about 3 minutes but I could feel my stress leaving me and managed to keep going for 12 minutes which is impressive for me! Iv just had my dinner-quorn sausages, carrots and beans and i still have 300 cals of yummy dried mango and a hot choc...my stomach is full and doesnt want either but my brain and my mouth really still wants to binge! I know it's emotional, Iv been quite down today, missing him, so I know thats why, I suppose it's good I can recognise that but I wish it would go away! Ah well, lets hope my DD tomorrow is kind and I dont get to stressed.

 

[bajoleth]

You are doing great, very proud of you

 

[Karenlou]

keep up the good work x

 

[floss]

So my DD yesterday was pretty awful, I was craving and hungry all day, saved my cals until after the gym and ended up forcing down my soup because I just felt sick! I think alot of it is that im not sleeping very well, and when I finally do sleep I just dream about the ex which makes me crazy I do feel better today, been in to uni and now working my way through a cup of tea and a punnet of grapes but I cant shake this headache, I may even try and have a nap. I have an essay to do and I can hardly focus now! I cant believe Im still on the diet, Iv made a little weight chart to motivate me and put it on my wall, but to be honest I think im still doing it because I don't want to be the person he broke up with anymore. I know he will be expecting me to be comfort eating through it all because thats how I usually deal with stuff, so iv decided I refuse to see him again until im feeling stable and happy in myself. x

 

[Karenlou]

Awww honey I wish I could just give you a cuddle and make you feel better! You'll be fine in time I promise, it's just hard at the beginning when someone leaves you. Have you tried meditating at all? Try to relax and make a postive statement as your mantra - something like "I am a beautiful and worthwhile person" and repeat it to yourself.

I know you are doing really well on JUDDD - keep up the good work x

 

[bajoleth]

Do you go to the Gym everyday? Maybe just try and go on your up days as then you can eat to maintain your energy levels. Good advice from Karen :grouphugg:

 

[floss]

It's so lovely to have this support, honestly thankyou so much. I had a nice 2 hour sleep in the end...much needed but didnt actually do my essay...oh well! Bajoleth it is my plan really to only gym on my UD because it tires me out, the reason i went yesterday was because I was bored and feeling very stressy, and it's the only thing that helps. I just did a light workout. I think it's because I feel like it's my place and my time..I can just plug my ears in, watch the telly and sort my head out! Iv just come back actually and had a brilliant workout tonight just making my dinner of quorn cottage pie and veg...yum! I'v also discovered that the crazy hunger I get after the gym can be put on hold with a nice cold pepsi max (I know it's horrible for you but I love the stuff) and that way I can wait for my proper dinner and not scoff my face!

You are all amazing for just reading my ramblings, it really does help to write this stuff down! x