Weightloss and problems teens

[Karen.hat]

Help!!!!! I have a 13 yr old that is going though a real bad time she's being a little git at school, she has only just started this school 2 weeks ago cos of the problems she was having at the last she fell on with a bad crowd started skipping school and basically getting up to all sorts of mischief, she thinks it's ok at 13 to be overly friendly with boys and last night she packed a bag and ran away!!
I'm at my wits end with her, I have 4 kids 3 daughters,16,14,13 and a 9 yr old boy and I have problems making time for the others who are well behaved because all my time patience and energy are getting used up on the 13yr old
Thankfully she was found at midnight last night safe and is home now
I am finding it increasingly difficult making good food choices during the bad times with her,
I could do with some advice how best to deal with her, I'm toting with the idea of sending her to my mam's back in my home town to see if she will settle down there other than that I am at my wits end I really want/need to lose weight but can't focus at the minute

 

[julesm]

Hi there, I am a secondary school teacher and I know how much of a nightmare 13 year olds can be!! Have you sat her down for a good chat and asked her why she is doing what she is doing? Have you spoken to her head of year / teachers with her present? Maybe you could have a meeting with her head of year all three of you and find out what she is trying to achieve by behaving that way and set her some behaviour targets for both school and home.

 

[Karen.hat]

Hi there, I am a secondary school teacher and I know how much of a nightmare 13 year olds can be!! Have you sat her down for a good chat and asked her why she is doing what she is doing? Have you spoken to her head of year / teachers with her present? Maybe you could have a meeting with her head of year all three of you and find out what she is trying to achieve by behaving that way and set her some behaviour targets for both school and home.

We've sat her down and talked to her, she was brilliant all December and first half of this month while she was being home schooled she went back to school had a great first week then wham she's caught out of class twice second time making a raquet in corridors she packs a bag and runs away cos she's tackled about it at home and grounded then when she's found and asked why her answer, I wanted to go out!!

 

[Happy Holidays]

I can sympathise with you, our daughter was a 'challenge' at school I lost count the amount of times she was excluded. In the end the school just didn't bother with her & they used her as a scapgoat.

But at home she was good, but on the odd occassion she was naughty we grounded her or stopped her doing whatever was her favourite thing at the time. We also stopped her spending money & gave her packed lunches so she had no money.

I've not really been much help I know, but I wanted you to know you're not alone. The only consolation is it will get better.

As for what food to eat, what do you want to eat? can that be made SW friendly?

 

[Karen.hat]

I'm usually fine on the plan but when things go wring and I'm stressed I reach for comfort foods and snacks crisps cheesecake chocolate pastries and I'm fantasying about cheese pasties

What is the hardest thing with her is she does get punished grounded no mobile laptop Internet money ect but she just rebels further running away telling people I beat her skipping whole days of school breaking kerfew the list is endless :-(

 

[Lumps]

Do you think it could be a bid for attention? Maybe offer 'treats' for good behaviour instead. I know it seems like bribery, but if she sticks to it hopefully it will become second nature! What kind of things is she into? Maybe treats could be things like new item of clothing, or manicure,..stuff like that. Set some goals like attending school for a week without getting into any trouble, and she gets something?
By the way, this is just a suggestion - I don't have any children so sorry if this suggestion is rubbish!

 

[julesm]

I think that's a great suggestion, "positive behaviour reinforcement" and all that!

 

[Karen.hat]

Do you think it could be a bid for attention? Maybe offer 'treats' for good behaviour instead. I know it seems like bribery, but if she sticks to it hopefully it will become second nature! What kind of things is she into? Maybe treats could be things like new item of clothing, or manicure,..stuff like that. Set some goals like attending school for a week without getting into any trouble, and she gets something?
By the way, this is just a suggestion - I don't have any children so sorry if this suggestion is rubbish!

We had organised jet to help at a photo shoot as she is really into photography but as this Is supposed to be happening on Saturday we are going to have to pull out! I can't reward her for running away

 

[MadameLaMinx]

I actually think you should still take her to the photo shoot. Otherwise you are teaching her that she can get out of obligations by misbehaving. But I would make that very clear to her. She MUST go because people there are relying on her to do stuff to help. However, there are other ways to skin a cat, you can ground her, remove her priviliges, take her phone away, cut her internet, but dont give her the message that she can escape her commitments by misbehaving because its making a rod for your own back.

Then get onto the photo shoot people and make them give her all the grafty jobs.

You have to tackle this now before she gets older and even more out of control. Consistency in approach is vital. I am sure you do your best despite her behaviour but when you say No, mean it, and reinforce it with significant reduction in priviliges when she ignores you. Get the school involved, she may be playing up there in order to get herself known to the other troublemakers so that she can find a way to fit in. It is unsettling being new.

Above all, dont let her see you lose control. No matter how she pushes you, how much she tries to wind you up, bite your tongue and stay calm. You can go let it out afterwards but if she is seeking attention she needs to get it by behaving positively, and she is seeking attention at the moment by causing you worry, distress and upset. Dont let her see you bothered. Be VERY enthusiastic when she does things right, and make it clear calmly when she doesnt, but never ever let her see you angry. That will knock her off guard more than you shouting at her would. If she doesnt know HOW you are going to react she will be more fearful than if she gets yelled at. By showing her anger, you are showing her you are not in control, and by the sounds of things, right now she needs you to be in control.

Good luck. Hope some of this helps.

 

[julesm]

Totally agree on the "never let her see you angry" suggestion from Madame La Minx. I'm not a mum so maybe have no idea what I'm talking about but when I was training to be a teacher we were always told to deal with all situations calmly and never shout as this gives kids the feeling they have won. I think this is totally true as in the lessons where pupils have pushed me and I have lost my rag and become shouty and made comments I have regretted it has only alienated me more from the misbehaving pupils and they have carried on as they have gotten the result they wanted.

In the lessons where I've stayed calm, remained consistent (i.e. don't suddenly give them a detention but give them warning first, next -10 THEN detention) and dealt with the situation without raising my voice, the pupils who are misbehaving seem to feel silly after a while and seem to 'regret' their behaviour as it's gotten them nowhere. It sort of 'gets' to them more because they see they have achieved nothing and ended up with a punishment!

We were always told also to give plenty of attention to good behaviour and if at all appropriate, ignore the bad. I can't tell you how many classes this has worked for. When something is rewarded, a person repeats the behaviour. I have one class of kids who are all special educational needs, mostly boys and at the start of the year were really silly and naughty. Every lesson was a nightmare of me trying to teach and no one listening. But all the time I just congratulated those who were doing the right thing. Yesterday I had a lesson with them and I couldn't believe it, they were silent, listening to me, doing all my routines (e.g. copying title and date down as soon as they got in without having to be told, not shouting out etc) and we had such a lovely lesson.

Don't get me wrong I still have some awful lessons with them (as anyone who reads my diary will know from what I wrote last Friday!) but now if there's misbehaviour it will be one or two pupils who I usually find out afterwards are having a bad day rather than the whole class.

I think if you persevere it will pay off but it would also be really good if you could find out WHY she is doing what she is doing and that could help you to decide on a course of action. WHY does she want to fall in with a bad crowd - what does she think it will do for her?

And I think your suggestion of rewarding her for good weeks in school etc is a really good idea as it's a target to work towards, and also focuses on the positive rather than the negative.

Hope I could be of help (as I say I am not a mum so am probably talking a load of rubbish!)

 

[Karen.hat]

All this is what we'veactually been doing, she brought a merit home so she we celebrated by a trip to cinema although this is a rare occurrence as she's very rarely good at school,
As for staying calm you obviously have never have a child run away, I'm not just talking leaving the house she packed all her clothes make up ect and left home while I was at supermarket, anyone that can stay calm when they are giving descriptions of their child to police and searching fields parks bushes for their child doesn't know a mothers love, I did however managed to stay semi calm once we'd found her
I really really don't know how to cope with her
I know she'll grow out of it eventually I am just worried she's going to damage her future too much in the mean time!

Oh and I stress eat too :-( doesn't bode well for a good wi ( not that that's as important as her future)

 

[MadameLaMinx]

I don't think anyone meant that you should be calm under those very extreme circumstances, of course not. I personally was talking about more general episodes of misbehaviour.

Please don't think that anyone is judging you or your parenting. All kids of a certain age will start to push the boundaries in terms of their behaviour, it's part and parcel of the process of becoming an adult. We are only making suggestions based on the limited information we have about how to keep control when her behaviour is pushing those buttons in you which cause you stress and to head for the comfort food.

You admit openly to being a comfort eater under stress. No-one would dream of suggesting what you are experiencing here is not stressful. However, if you can comfort eat the free and superfree foods, you can still lose weight and give yourself a self-confidence boost in the process- because you will not be sabotaging your own goals while coping with the stress.

HTH

 

[julesm]

Also neither of us said that any of this is an "instant" magic wand style solution! You have to work at it, "appear" to be as calm as you can even when you are not and consistency is the key!

If as you say you are doing all these things then you just have to be patient, keep at it and hopefully as you say she will grow out of it sooner rather than later.

 

[Karen.hat]

I don't think anyone meant that you should be calm under those very extreme circumstances, of course not. I personally was talking about more general episodes of misbehaviour.

Please don't think that anyone is judging you or your parenting. All kids of a certain age will start to push the boundaries in terms of their behaviour, it's part and parcel of the process of becoming an adult. We are only making suggestions based on the limited information we have about how to keep control when her behaviour is pushing those buttons in you which cause you stress and to head for the comfort food.

You admit openly to being a comfort eater under stress. No-one would dream of suggesting what you are experiencing here is not stressful. However, if you can comfort eat the free and superfree foods, you can still lose weight and give yourself a self-confidence boost in the process- because you will not be sabotaging your own goals while coping with the stress.

HTH

Sorry, I'm quite stressed at the moment and do feel I'm getting judged a lot so I am probably over sensitive at the minute!
My OH seems to drift along at side of me and never reacts I'm starting to wonder if he even cares

Thank you for advice though maybes I may start a reward system up as well as raking away her privileges when she naughty giving extra privileges when she's good as I know she has tried this last 2 days even helping out with housework,
One thing I can't seem up do at the minute is punish her see it through and put it behind me it's lime it's all adding up which makes it seem so much worse if that makes sense, maybes I need to meditate or something

Thank you for all advice given so far, I do appreciate it!

As for slimming I've had a couple ok days
Yoghurt fruit for breakfast
Fruit crudités as snacks
Speed soup lunch
Chicken jacket pot and salad dinner
Speed soup supper

 

[Lucky7]

Some teens are an absolute nightmare. I know I was (hence my decision not to have any children myself Lol).

Don't forget there are professionals out there who might be able to offer support. It may not make much difference, but it's surely worth a go.

The Parenting Consultancy Service - South Gloucestershire Council

Good luck xx

 

[Karen.hat]

Some teens are an absolute nightmare. I know I was (hence my decision not to have any children myself Lol).

Don't forget there are professionals out there who might be able to offer support. It may not make much difference, but it's surely worth a go.

The Parenting Consultancy Service - South Gloucestershire Council

Good luck xx

Thanks lucky7 I've sent them an email hopefully they'll be able to help

 

[ColJack]

due to the reaction I got last time I offered my opinion on a similar subject I shall refrain from answering...

 

[Karen.hat]

due to the reaction I got last time I offered my opinion on a similar subject I shall refrain from answering...

oh god have i offended you? This has really stressed me out so if ive been shorty i am really sorry although i cant remember doing so

also just looked at you graph coljack way to go your weight loss so far is inspirational gives us faith we can all get there you are doing great
good luck with resy of journey
and again sorry if i overreacted at something:cry:

 

[big bear]

Karen - I think coljack was referring to a post by someone totally different so don't worry xx

 

[ColJack]

yeah I got slated in another thread for suggesting a "spare the rod, spoil the child" approach..

it's not you karen and I'm sorry that you're having trouble with your kid..

they're all like that at 13 though, pushing boundaries and trying to assert some independance over their life..
perhaps some more responsibility for herself would benefit her?
let / get her to cook for the family once a week or something, make her do a load of laundry once in a while etc..
you may not like it but boys will be a big part of her life now.. just think back to when you were 13..
maybe you could ease up a little on the restrictions.. maybe have said boy/s round yours where you can keep an eye on them?