Thank you for the continuous support...
Here goes (I don't have bloody hands - I am heartbroken, hurt, upset...but the need for revenge is setting in)..
I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that my boyfriend confessed to me that he wasn't physically attracted to me. He said he loved me on an emotional level, but I needed to lose weight for him to be attracted to me physically - therefore the only 'action' was me doing him favours (I guess that's ok...you don't have to see my face when it's down there!! (sorry - just SO angry)). The reason we had this 'heart to heart' was because I got an email from some girl who he was trying to 'hook up' with. He said he had no intention of meeting her and that he loves me and wants to wait for me...
I left it at that. So hurt and now self conscious and found it hard to trust him, but tried and tried to get past it because I so wanted it to work. When things were good...they were great.
Some days we got on awesome and we're best friends...other days - I can do nothing right.
If he over sleeps - it's my fault.
If he's late - it's my fault.
Everything that goes wrong - it's my fault.
He is working nights this week. Before he left for work last night - i asked him if he would help a bit by doing his dishes sometimes. He eats and eats and eats...and instead of rinsing his dishes to re use...he just gets more until the cupboards are empty. I don't mind cleaning up...as I can't work due to visa issues...but he has only been working about 2 days a week recently. Plus I DON'T EAT! Being on CD...I wash up the blender and the one cup once I have used it! He went MENTAL at me for suggesting he help a bit...and stormed of to work. He then phoned me from work to scream at me and tell me to do the ****ing washing up and it's the least I can do!
I did ALL the washing up and made sure the place was spotless for when he got home.
I woke up this morning and there were 3 big plates, 3 glasses, 1 small plate, 2 bowls, the frying pan and the cooking pot...all dirty and left all over the place. I washed them all up and put them away to save arguement.
MY laptop has been running pretty slow, so after washing up today - I sat down to get rid of files that I don't need...remove the junk - it's runs faster right? So, looking through my documents and I come across a file I don't recognise. I open it...and see it's a convo between him and some girl...dated the 18th Oct 2008!!! I noticed a comment he made 'she's back in England for a couple of months'...So..knowing that I am very much still in Canada with him...I had to read the rest. This girl wanted to know why he was begging to go to her place when he had a girlfriend...he went on to tell her that he cared about me, but just as his best friend...and that I was back in the UK for a couple of months and that I fell in love with him, but he didn't feel the same for me.. (he was the first to bring 'love' up...it scared me at first!!). He said that he had been 'forced' into this situation of letting me live here...and he didn't think it would end up going anywhere...
All this time he is saying he's going to be faithfull to me...and wait for me...and wants a future with me...and on an emotional level...this is the best he's ever had...
I am FUMING!
I'm not going to mention it...I have a flight back to the UK for Christmas on Dec 9th...I also have a flight to come back to him Jan 7th...
I'm going to lose over 500 quid on that flight as I doubt I'll be back after Christmas. I'm devastated. Canada is where I have always wanted to be...and I wanted this relationship to work...but now I see I have to get back another way.
For the next 7 weeks...I am going to be the perfect girlfriend. I will make sure the place is always spotless, I will do all his dishes, I will never argue and I will never complain, he will see the weight fall off....make him realise...he won't find better than me. I know a part of him does care about me...maybe even love me...as he wouldn't be supporting me right now...he could have put me on a plane back to the UK. Then come Dec 9th...I will print off the convo with that girl (and any others that might appear in the meantime) and I will ask him...how can I ever be with a guy I can't trust? Then I will tell him...I won't be coming back.
*and take a breath*
Now, I am going to go and cry.
