what the hell is wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Lipotrim Forum' started by Determined Girl, 10 October 2009.

  1. Determined Girl

    Determined Girl Here's hoping

    Hey gang,

    well I'm 3 stone down, fitting into new clothes, getting loads of compliments and the cravings had totally gone. I was on cloud nine and nothing could stop me. I just don't know what is wrong with me.

    Today, for reasons known only to the warped workings of my mind I bought a large bag of crisps and a chocolate bar. I chewed them and spat them out into the toilet. I was stood there, hidden in the bathroom, spitting half-chewed food into the loo and crying. I feel like such an idiot and a total failure. What kind of moronic idiot does that? How stupid when I've been doing so well.

    I've had a horribly stressful week- the school I teach in is being inspected next week. Added to that it's the anniversary of my Mum's death next Saturday and I'm all over the place- tearful and moody and generally feeling terrible. I know that these are excuses really...and I just hate myself for doing something so pathetic. I've not cheated once.... stuck to LT religiously and I now feel that I've undone all my good work and more than that I'm terrified that this heralds a return to my bad old ways of bulimia and binge eating.

    Can't stop crying. My family are all so proud of me for getting a grip on my eating and for getting healthier by losing weight. Why the hell did I do this. I'm not going to say 'at least I didn't swallow it' because that isn't the point. The point is my will power has proven itself to be weaker than I thought and I'm hoping and praying that I can just rein this back and get back on track because I really don't want to fail. Again.

    Please give me advice/abuse- I need you guys more than ever.

    Love to all

    Cazuk1976 likes this.
  2. Scotsmist

    Scotsmist Life is not a Rehersal!

    Hi Luce

    Throwing you a big "HUG"....oh, sweetie, you have done so well and should be congratulating yourself, not thinking we should all be giving you a good ticking off!

    Coming from a similar background of an eating disorder, I understand. I was on LT and now maintaining and I have to say my disorder is still there; lurking in the background. Probably always will be, but I am prepared for the odd blip now and again.

    Dont allow this to upset the apple cart! It happened and now you need to move on. If anything, let this show you that you are able to walk away from the episode and not let it be a spiral. You now have to deal with the emotions inside, and no one (unfortunately) can help you there.....you have to be strong! You have come this far and you know you can start again.

    Be kind to yourself at the minute; you are going through a lot of stress with your job and esp with the anniversary of your mum's death. My mum died 10 years ago and boy I still go through weeks of missing her and wanting to reach for the only thing I know - food! But, if there is anything I have learnt on LT and this is food doesnt help and it doesnt comfort either....I have had to reason with myself and get myself out of the situation FAST!

    Tell someone that is close to you...I know you have told the forum, but where the secret eating is, it is best to be accountable, and they will help you through in person....I feel that is really important for you at this time.

    Dont give up or feel you have failed.....at the end of the day you have a condition that is very difficult to get rid of and you have proved you are on the road....you just had a little blip, which can be rectified.

    Sorry, waffling a lot...my heart just goes out to you as I know what you are going through.

    One other thing, your last para!! LT can lull you into a false sense of security...the hard part is re-feed and maintenance, so use the time really wisely whilst you are on LT to really understand, or try and get to grips with what food does for you and why you do what you do.....I cant say it is easy, but I can say it is achievable and I feel I am proof (so far, albiet still early days) that there is life after an eating disorder!

    Good luck with this week and keep focussed and positive..dont let negativity get a hold, cause it will drag you down.

    Hope this has helped a little.....

    Take good care of yourself
  3. slimmer2moro

    slimmer2moro Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to read that you are feeling so down about yourself. I can totally sympathise with the worry of old habits returning. Please don't beat yourself up huni, it sounds to me as tho you are having a tough time at the moment, what with school and your mums anniversary. Try to put that episode behind you, move forward tomorrow a stronger woman and be kind to yourself, your only human afterall. lots of love xx
  4. mellywade

    mellywade Well-Known Member

    Hi hun, please don`t be too hard on yourself. You have done so well and come so far, and remember that we ALL have weak moments as we are only human! I too work in a school and know how stressful the job can be, and I haven`t experienced the dreaded Ofsted visit yet, either! I understand you feel insecure owing to your past eating disorder, which is natural, but try and focus on how well you`ve done and how strong you actually are! What a fantastic weight loss! I think you should talk through your fears with somebody who understands what you`re going through and how you are feeling. I also think this site is brilliant for sharing the ups as well as the downs. Stay strong.:)
  5. bex!

    bex! im on my way to slimdom!

    first sorry bout ur mum hun. i cant imagine how that must feel. big hug. :hug99:.

    right about the food, u seem to think that ur will power is weaker but u shud realise that its stronger than ur cravins coz u didnt eat anythin. u did spit it out. ok maybe not the best way 2 deal wiv stress but isnt that why we all on this diet coz food is r habit/addiction is so bad?

    the good thing is that u came on here. just think hun that regardless of wot outside stress you have gettin bigger wud not help the situation it wud only make u more miserable bout somethin else.

    so chin up hun an think of tomorrow as a new day, we only human an r allowed to make mistakes just dont beat urself up so much.

    ur one of my biggest inspirations hun, u av lost such a big amount in no time at all. so keep up the good work!! :D

    someone once told me that failure is not about givin in to temptation, failure is wen u stop trying!! wise words. u avnt stopped hun so u not a failure!! goodluck. :)
    Last edited: 10 October 2009
  6. summergurl

    summergurl ‚ô•3 Years Maintaining‚ô•

    Ya know, it will take a very long time for us all to conquer the mental side of being overweight and over eating. Its not going to happen over night like our weight loss on LT.

    Have you thought about speaking to someone very close to you? Something like that is the start of an eating disorder and you really dont want to be heading down that road after all you have acheieved on LT.

    Heres a great big hug :hug99: from me to you and i hope you perk up soon honey :) Thinking of you xxxxxxxxxx
  7. Mushy

    Mushy Member

    You answerd your own question lovely, youre going through a stressful time at the moment, and returned to an old crutch.
    It happens sometimes and you shouldnt beat yourself up about it!! Youre only human, your allowed to have the odd blip here and there, its how we learn from our mistakes.

    I highly doubt a failure wouldnt lose 3 stone in 7 weeks!!
    Dont be so hard on yourself, tomorrow is always a new day :)
  8. Determined Girl

    Determined Girl Here's hoping

    thank you so much guys- reading your fantastic support has made me have a little cry, but has already helped. I know what you're saying about talking to someone close to me about it, but my family couldn't understand when I was making myself sick before. My Dad in particular got so upset and angry that it would just be too hard for them to think that I was back on that road to destruction.

    As soon as I'd put my message on here I started feeling a bit better, a bit less alone. I suppose I thought LT was this miracle cure and I'd lose all my weight and start eating healthily. Today has scared me how easily I can go back to my old ways. But I think maybe it's a good scare... I'm hoping it will remind me of how unhappy that used to make me compared to how good I've been feeling lately.

    Thank you all so much- I'm so touched by your brilliant advice and lovely support. I already feel like I can get past this and get back on track.

    Love Luce xx
  9. anne-mariep

    anne-mariep Well-Known Member

    oh Hun im so sorry you had a terrible day but as you have said you can learn from this and the most important thing is you realised wen you were doin it and you stopped YOU STOPPED wud you have before lt? you are so much stronger than you realise. you will get there perhaps an outside person wud be better for you than someone close so you can deal with only YOUR feelings and not THEIR feelings too.

    you are an amazing inspiration and i'm sure you will be fine just take today as a blessing because what if this had happened wen you were back eating at least now you have time to really look at it before you refeed like the other girls said.

    you will be ok its just gonna be a little harder than you thought to sort out the mental bit of healthy eating. `
  10. Han_Han

    Han_Han ...

    Aw, darling, there's nothing you can do about what's been done at the end of the day! While, yes, they are excuses - they are fairly understandably upsetting ones! These are obviously reasons that in the past you would have turned to food & you were drawn to it!

    It might be worth looking into finding some help; as it is concerning if you've had issues with bulimia in the past.

    But you haven't destroyed what you've achieved, you've still lost 3 stone, probably haven't damaged your losses with this & you can still move on & reach you goal with LT!

    Best of luck with everything & I do hope you feel better at this difficult time! x

  11. BetsyBotox

    BetsyBotox Well-Known Member

    *hugest hugs ever*

    You want to know 'what the hell is wrong with you?' My answer is that you're human sweetie. Stress is an awful, destructive emotion and we all deal with it in different ways. Do you know what's wonderful and positive about what you did? You came on here and admitted it! You told everyone what you did. That's a huge step forward. You no longer need to hide how you're really feeling inside. You don't need to smile, be positive and pretend that everything is perfect in your world. You can be truthful honest and unburden yourself and move forward.

    There is nothing WRONG with you Lucy. You just chose to deal with the stress you're going through in a way that you felt was right at the time. We ALL do things in times of stress that we regret but that doesn't make us wrong.

    You expect way too much from yourself. You need to start looking after number one first. Forget what family and friends think of you. Make yourself proud sweetie. Tell them exactly how you feel and what you're going through. You'll not disappoint them. There is no way that you'll let yourself 'fail' You can do this and you will do this! This was a bump on the journey and you'll learn from it.

    Is you TOTM due? I remember a few weeks ago you had a little self doubt and a couple of days later you had TOTM. Those bloody hormones can be a nightmare! They are to blame for so many bumps! I find my PMT is multiplied by 100 while on LT. My moods and temper is dreadful! I'm due on tomorrow and at the minute I could explode.

    Did you ever have grief counselling? My Mama died 16 years ago, she was only 43. I still think about her every day. I went down a path of self destruction for a long time just after she died. I lost part of me. I eventually took my Doctor's advice and went to counselling. It was the best thing I could have done as it helped so much. The pain is still there, and like yourself it intensifies with certain triggers, but I can now keep it under control.

    I think you need to go and unburden. Let everything out. All your deepest darkest thoughts and fears need to be unleashed. You'll feel so much better getting it out there.

    You're still my :queen: of LT and if you ever need someone to listen or you feel yourself losing control, phone me. I'm always here for you Lucy. You've been a great friend to me.

    Loads of Love,


    Last edited: 11 October 2009
    anne-mariep likes this.
  12. irish molly

    irish molly Maintaing LT loss on GL

    You poor,poor pet. You sound so distressed and upset. You are having a real crisis of confidence. worryng about, work,inspections, family approvals and disappovals whilst still grieving for Mum. Try not to be so hard on yourself and just be yourself. You are you and make no apology for that. Talk to Dad or some other family or close friends. They may rant a little but that is only because they care and love you dearly. You must also learn to love yourself. xxxx
  13. Jeep

    Jeep Otherwise known as Jools

    Awww Luce poor ole you. You did nothing wrong, we are all human and if we did not make these little slip ups then there definitely would be something wrong with us. So you had a taste of food - in the great scheme of things thats not so bad - Yes I know that others on here are going to lambast me for that comment, but at the end of the day its a diet and a personal choice for each of us to make. Some are stronger than others but whose to say the stronger ones have not 'failed' at something else in their life.

    You have done amazingly well so far and no doubt you will continue to do so. Its a little blip and to be honest not something that you should beat yourself up over too much specially when you have other stresses and worries at the moment.

    You did what you wanted to do at that particular time - you know it was not the correct thing to do and you will be stronger from it.

    Dont let this little slip ruin all your good work so far - cos it hasnt - you are an amazing woman and your positivity has just taken a short break.

    Chin up sweetie and let it go - you can do this and you will do this and you will succeed wonderfully :D :D
  14. Cazuk1976

    Cazuk1976 Well-Known Member

    Oh Luce, your poor thing. There's nothing else I can add to what everyone else has already said, I just wanted to say well done on admitting it, that's surely a very difficult thing to do. Put it behind you, move on, talk to your nearest and dearest, they only want the best for you. As others have said, you're only human, and its human to make mistakes. Hope you're feeling better x
  15. indie.rainbow

    indie.rainbow Loves the jobs you hate!

  16. Determined Girl

    Determined Girl Here's hoping


    I'm overwhelmed by everyone's kindness. I've woken up today feeling so, so much better. Just being able to let it all out to you guys yesterday has been such a huge help. This place is so important to me. I'm sure that without it I'd be alone with the demons of my mind and be off the wagon big style.

    I think you've all raised some really important issues that I need to deal with...and I will do. The main thing, for me, is that today I feel 100% determined not to feel that unhappy again. I know it's a long road but I'm prepared for that now.

    I felt kinda bad for posting this as I know it was really negative and didn't want to bring anyone down- but having posted it I just felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders...and after all your amazing responses I feel a million times better.

    It just goes to show that losing weight is SO tough (no matter what some people say!) and that 90% of the battle is with our minds.

    Thank you all again- I genuinely can't put into words what it has meant

    Love to all

    Luce x
  17. jenny_belte

    jenny_belte Well-Known Member

    ah hun. dont be so hard on urself. ur doing great on this diet. dont let 1 little blip upset u. uve got alot going on. i know when ive got lots going on i just wana eat and feel better, food is great comfort sometimes!
    i have food in my mouth most days, tell myself im just tasting it while cooking but most the time i chew it and it tastes yummy. know alot of people dont taste anything but my weight losses have been good still.
    hun, sorry ur feeling down but try not to worry. sure everything will turn out fine. my daughters school was inspected the other day, was quite funny to see the teachers in the morning, they were acting so different and actually came out on time in the morning. it will be fine.
    sorry to hear about ur mum. hugs.
    u know we're all here for u if u need to talk.
    take care, have a nice hot bath with candles.
    x x
  18. Welshie

    Welshie Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry your so down, what you've done is amazing, you've lost 3 stone and done really well. Ok you bought food but you could have eatne them all and more, instead you recognised that you didn't want to do it and spat them out. It takes realcommittment to do that, especially given your previous problems with eating. You were also very brave to come on here and openly state it. I think you should give yourself a huge pat on the back for not giving in to temptation. You seem to have a lot of stress on your plate right now which you've recognised as being a danger point for you. Given all the comments above you know people are here to support you. Take care and i'm sure the inspection will go well x
  19. dunlop73

    dunlop73 Well-Known Member

    Hi DG
    I have been thinking about your post all day - it has really made me think, and I am so sorry that you are going through it. I think we all know how you feel to a greater or lesser extent and I know that I have real food demons like you. It's not that we're weak willed - we wouldn't last a day on LT if that were the case, and it's not that we're stupid, or don't understand what we're doing. In my case I know I am a food addict - just like an alcoholic, or a smoker (been there too....) or a drug addict. I feel sure that being honest and open about it is the only way we can get through this. At least we are all in it together and it is great to think that we have each other on this fab forum.
    I'm so glad that you're feeling better today. It is a new day and a new week for all of us.

  20. Scotsmist

    Scotsmist Life is not a Rehersal!

    So glad you are feeling better and got a lot of support from the forum!

    Have a great week.

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