Workaholic husbands!!!

O

olijames

Member
Well, a word of warning this is going to be abit of a moan. Infact as I begin to type I'm literally suffering with virtual diorahhea(SP?) and I'm thinking I may not submit afterall!

OK...so...I'm married to a chef (for fellow chef's wives I probably don't need to say much more and you probably know the flavours that are to follow!) For the past 4 years I have spent almost every night, especially Fri/Sat home alone with my son, aged 8. OK so Ive had some nights out but not many...the feeling of fat just wasn't worth it! His current job is about a 45mins drive from home and his hours are basically dusk til dawn!

He's been off for 8 weeks due to an op and has just returned this week. I know that it isnt realistic to think that he could be a house husband, I wouldnt want that but I would prefer him to work more sociable hours. He knows exactly how I feel as its the ONLY aspect of our relationship we niggle over! Quite sad but even after 4 years and getting married Ive found it tricky working out who he is!! After a ropey start (I was very insecure and he was very out there-weird combination I guess?) I'm pretty convinced he loves me, he's very affectionate etc but I'm just SICK OF WAITING FOR MY LIFE TO BEGIN!

I try to be thankful for what I have...a healthy, gorgeous boy, a nice house, decent job (No family but thats a whole different story!) BUT BIG BUT I just can't help feeling that I'm somehow missing out. His phone goes constantly morning/noon/night, we hardly speak when he's at work and if we do its only a decent conversation if Im moaning about something!!!! maybe thats why I whinge so much!

I just feel that he hasn't found the balance between work/home...and while Im waiting for him to find it life's passing me by! If I try to talk to him about it it's like a major de ja vu as we've been there a million times before and the outcomes always the same. We carry on regardless! Nothing changes! He gets MAD with me and when I say chef I mean Gordon Ramsey! He swears alot, smokes too much and lives off stella and diet coke. He never has any energy left for me and son and even his mum thinks he puts his job first!ARGHHH!!!!!!!

We have a business opportunity arising, which TBH is my idea/baby/project but he's even started to dictate about that! he says that when that takes off he will walk away from his current job but Im not convinced....its in his blood


WHAT CAN I DO?
 
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I think writing all that down may have helped already Nic?? Also imagine that HE reads it - what would he say?? or think??
All I can say is that as I've got slimmer, I've been less willing to take cra* from ANYONE, especially my OH. I stand up to him now, and he doesn't get away with anything, where before I just couldn't be bothered.
THINK about what YOU want out of life, detach yourself from the situation if you can, and think about it as if it were someone else's dilemma. Don't over react, and don't allow him to pull your strings. I realised that just because you love somone doesn't give them the right to treat you like a piece of s***. Do you want to spend the reast of your life with this man?? if yes, do everything in your power to find a way to make it work. if no...............................
Ann
 
Thanks Ann!:eek:
:rolleyes: Dilemma in deed!!! I do have a tendancy to over react but i have been reacting in the same way to the way he handles his job for years!
:cool: maybe i should have looked before i jumped.
:rolleyes: Guess we never stop learning?
:eek: Thing is about me I'm crap at making decisions....:eek:
:( See what I mean....argghh!:(
:mad: I have wanted to eat so much today!:mad:
 
Hey honey - I know exactly how you feel!
My ex-husband was just like that - although a building surveyor - if he wasn't there in person, all the buildings in London would have fallen down.

I think it's a bit of a bloke thing in some ways - that some men validate who they are by their jobs and neglect their family life and there's not a great deal you can do about changing him - it's got to come from him. Did you see when Jamie Oliver admitted he was a cr*p dad? He didn't take time off to spend with the missus and the kids though, did he?

I think the main problem is that YOU are not happy - you guys talk about it but nothing changes - presumably because he values his job more highly than he values your feelings of loneliness - I'm really sorry if that sounds harsh - I just remember how my ex was when I complained about his working hours - he made me feel as if I was a nagging wife who didn't understand that the man's job was far more important than anything going on in my life.

Whilst the situation stays the same, he won't make any changes to his work life - why should he? He needs a reason to. With my ex - nothing worked and so although that wasn't the main reason I left him, it was all part of it. We only have one life and it's up to us to make the most out of it - I shuddered when I read that you were waiting for your life to begin, hun. I felt like that too - I lived off promises that he would make it up to me, for years!

Can you imagine feeling like that at 40? 50? 60? OUCH!

If I were in your shoes - I'd have a big talk with him - make him listen, babes!
 
Thanks for listening...means alot!

AW thanks Isobel babes! You hit the nail right on the head!!:mad:
He came home last night almost midnight, came top bed at almost 2, tried to wake me up for a cuddle (ARGGHH I'm trying to sleep!) then complained this am that I'd pushed him away!
He knows there's tension between us about the 'same old same old':rolleyes: as he calls it!
He assures me that he really doesnt want to be there but needs to be...that he'd rather be at home but his job won't allow it....he has been known to be a bit of a manipulator/Bull S-er, and although he assures me that's a front he puts on for others I'm never really sure whether he BS'es me too! I guess I still have a lot of insecurities! Maybe he tells me he hates being there just to make me feel better but really he's thriving off his working environment.:confused:

Also his GRamsey-esque approach often spills into home, its like he just can't leave it!

Its just so so frustrating! :mad:

Thanks so much for listening, it does help to have a virtual outburst!:rolleyes:

Ann, I'd never thought about it like that but I guess not making a decision is a decision in itself!x Yep, I'm back on SS...trying to get this last stone off! Got there for a joyous moment then became complacent again! Hope Ive learned my lesson....:eek:


Isobel...will try talking although he gets really defensive, raised voices and I want to avoid that especially on a sunday with my son around. He has already commented that we argue too much and that daddy swears alot! That's heartbreaking! :(
 
That is such a tricky situation. Chefs are notoriously fiery, I had a good friend who was just a nightmare in the kitchen, and then drank too much to help him cope with the stress.
No relationship can survive never seeing each other, and quite a few can't survive seeing each other too much! You may feel at the minute that your job keeps you sane and gives you an outlet that you really need, but if there were any way you could adjust your own working patterns to manage some quality time together maybe in the afternoons this might ease things.
I do feel for you, dieting is hard enough without added relationship stresses.
 
Hi Claire Jen...its my hub who's the chef not me! God I can't cook to save my life!

Things are crap today, I'm agitated and been so so tempted to eat, he's making bacon as we speak. He keeps digging to see whats wrong with me...like he doesn't know! The digging leads to arguing and MY behaviour being the problem!

Could seriously EAT A BIG CHOC CAKE!

I'm back at work tomorrow after being off for 2 weeks. Got a mega pile of ironing to do and I simply CAN NOT be arsed!

Is it time to give up?
 
Hi Nic, sorry looks like I didn't express myself too well, I wondered if your own job was flexible enough to have some time together. Although it sounds at the minute like you really want some time apart!
You've done really really well on the diet and the last stone is very hard, perhaps you could do with adding some food now, maybe 790 for the last few weeks. I know I've been even more tetchy than usual whilst dieting and now I'm eating a little it helps.
I don't want to make excuses, but if he has been off work after surgery it can take quite a time before he is both physically and mentally back to normal, and he may be finding the pressure of work too much atm. But that doesn't help you cope with him, or decide if you really want to.
Oh and forget the ironing, if anyone cares about clothes being ironed they can do it themselves before they put them on (OK I'm a slob, I know it).
 
Awww hun - I'm so sorry you're having a horrid day!

I had to end my first post sharpish as I had a client knocking at the door, but I also wanted to say that if I were you, I'd throw myself into your new biz venture that you mentioned and NOT let DH in on it one little bit. You need something for you, hun! It sounds like he's got a lot of control in your relationship and you could do with something that is purely yours!

He might not like it if the boot was on the other foot, hey? Maybe if you weren't there when he remembered he has a home (lol!!), then he might appreciate you more?!?

Men!! Can't live with them, can't shoot them! lol

And I'm with Clairejen on the ironing!!!! It's stupid and boring and life is too damn short!! lol
 
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