Would you date a person...

Discussion in 'General Weight Loss Discussion' started by AngelWings, 21 January 2014 Social URL.

  1. AngelWings

    AngelWings Professional Sky Dancer

    Would you date someone who didn't want to date you while you were overweight, but suddenly developed interest in you once you were thinner/at your ideal weight?

    I'm already in a relationship with a wonderful man whom, thanks to having a heavier mother whom he loves dearly, is very fat-accepting when it comes to his partner. He cares more about my health than my waistline, so I'm thankful for him and know that he is a truly rare bird.

    However, before I met him and when I was single, I'd always contemplate this scenario I described above. I've known men who liked me as a person and thought I was pretty, but since my body wasn't fitting into a US size 6, I wasn't their type and they wanted nothing to do with me.

    So I've often fantasized in the past what would happen if I had hit that magic dress size number... what would I have done? Would I have given the relationship a chance? Or would I deny them in a dramatic Mariah Carey "Someday" interpretive dance because they were being shallow and only wanting me at my best and never at my worst?

    What would you guys and gals do in such a situation? Do you think it's fair for potential partners to put such superficial standards on you, and until you reach those standards they want nothing to do with you? OR do you think that they have a point, and that dating someone when they are not "healthy" is not a good idea, and they may be doing it to protect themselves from getting into some sort of unhealthy relationship since they may see the excess weight as a "danger sign" that you still have issues to deal with (or, at least, that's what they say, but deep down they just really want someone with a body they find attractive and nothing more)?
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  3. I think its fair to say that, yes, im obese, but i wouldnt date someone who was also overweight. I dont like the way my body looks, plus i'm a lot more attracted to very slim people.
    Not sure why, its pretty ironic if you ask me, but, thats my opinion.
  4. chezz

    chezz walk walk walk

    if a person did not want me cause im obese but wanted to date me when i got down to my ideal body weight i would tell him to sit on my middle finger and spin on it and f*** off
    if someone does not want to know the real me inside there not worth knowing im very very lucky my husband loves me for who i am would never touch a man like that ever
  5. AngelWings

    AngelWings Professional Sky Dancer

    Well, see, that's the thing. If your preference is such that you like someone who is thin or who has blond hair or who has brown eyes, that's your preference. I don't fault anyone for liking what they like and I agree with you there. Personally, I am most attracted to tall guys (at least taller than me, that is) and I like them to be a little "teddy bear-esque." But that's just me. Does that mean I don't find shorter guys attractive or slender guys attractive? No. For instance, I think Jon Bernthal (actor from MOB CITY and THE WALKING DEAD) is super hot. He has a very physically fit physique and he's a little below average height for a man (I think I read that somewhere, at least). Superficially speaking, I find him very attractive... but I don't know him from Adam, which brings me back to the original point I was trying to make....

    The point I was trying to make is, say you and another guy/girl/whatever is your preference, *really* connect and really hit it off. You both like each other *as people*. You are attracted to one another's (for lack of a better term) "soul" yet they are not *physically* attracted to you. They imply that in so few words that if you were thinner, that you'd be the perfect mate for them. That's what I was trying to get at. So do you think that's totally superficial not to be with someone during their struggle to lose the weight (or just remain overweight) and want to be with them when they finally reach their goal weight (and, thus, all the other guys are lining up around the block to date them)? Or do you think it's true what some people say that being overweight is considered a "warning sign" not to get into a relationship with someone (just like, I guess, they would consider someone having a drug problem which would take away from the relationship with the other person)?

    Does that make sense? Or did I just make it sound more confusing? Also, please note that these are not *my* personal feelings on the matter, but rather feelings I have heard expressed to me by others over the years. As a matter of fact, my own mother-- who is a total narcissist-- constantly told me growing up that "no one would love me and I'd never find a healthy relationship until I lost weight." If she told me this once, she told me this a billion times-- no kidding. She thought only picture perfect beautiful people like herself received and deserved love (but, ironically enough, she was alone and miserable and made my father cheat on her/leave her because she was such an evil/self-absorbed woman).

    Personally? I don't think anyone is perfect, and if you're a good person, you're a good person, whether you're fat or skinny or bald or tall or purple or whatever. And if someone is always waiting for me to be thinner so they can be with me due to *their* own insecurities? Well, that's their problem. I wouldn't want to be with them later on down the road. They weren't with me when I needed support, so why on earth would I be with them when I'm not struggling? Just shows me that they want someone "perfect" and they think they're "perfect" and once you gain 10lbs. they are going to use that as an excuse to hurt you.
    Last edited: 21 January 2014
  6. Weathergirl986

    Weathergirl986 Full Member

    Ohhhh this is an interesting topic!

    Like you I like teddy bears preferably tall ones but I also believe that it is the real person inside that you fall in love with and that doesn't happen until you really get to know them so physical attraction is superficial anyway. I don't care if someone is black, white, yellow or green, whether they are old or young, thin or fat, it's the person behind the eyes that counts.

    So if someone was really attracted to my personality but didn't make a move because I was fat, I'd kick him straight into touch! How could that person ever be someone who'd got your back if they're that superficial? And if they haven't got your back then they're not worth having.

    I've known women like your Mum and they've all ended up sad and lonely - beauty is only skin deep after all.

    WG x
  7. AngelWings

    AngelWings Professional Sky Dancer

    Thanks! I was hoping people would like chiming in on it-- I find it to be a great topic of discussion, too, and didn't see it brought up here (as far as I can tell). I like hearing (reading) everyone's opinion on the matter.

    Yes. However, there is that whole "sexual chemistry" thing. We are always told "men are more visual than women" and "men equate sex with love," so it made me wonder, "Well, if you REALLY love someone, I would think you'd just be naturally attracted to them, right?" But, again, I am a woman thinking like a typical woman would in this situation.

    Totally agree! :)

    Exactly how I feel. That's why I'm very happy that I met my mate when I was heavy, because I knew he loved me for me, and not because of how good I looked naked. :D Not to say that there aren't men out there who don't like the way very heavy women look, but I wouldn't want that either, because then what happens if you lose weight? It's the same kettle of fish no matter how you slice it. I would never want someone to be with me just because of a physical feature.

    For instance, it boggles my mind the lengths women go to in order to not look like themselves, whether it be something as simple as makeup to something as drastic as plastic surgeries. I used to roommate with a nice girl who wore blue contacts and she kept it a secret from everyone. To her, it was so utterly dire that no one knew that she didn't have natural blue eyes. I mean... why? Why go to that trouble? Why torture yourself so someone will "love" you for the way you look, when looks are so fleeting anyway? You're just seeing yourself up for such failure. Not that I'm not guilty of it myself. I used to bleach my hair and straighten it. But now? I can't believe I wasted my time doing that! I love my honey brown naturally curly hair! And the only reason why I did it before? Because of other people brainwashing me into thinking I was worthless if I didn't do it. My mother would tell me I was "ugly as a brunette" and "looked much better blond." Like, what mother tells her daughter that? Crazy! Even if it was true and I was prettier with a lighter shade, I wouldn't go that far to say someone is ugly with their natural shade of hair! God/Allah/the universe/whatever created us to look a certain way and not cookie cutter clones of each other, so why waste so much time and energy hating ourselves? It took me my entire life to finally get to the point where I can say, "You know what, Angel? You may not be exactly what you wished you looked like, but you're allowed to find beauty in yourself." It's so freeing when you can finally say, "I like my fat thighs and I don't care who doesn't!" :D

    Yes, that's very true. And my mom was gorgeous when she was younger. (Sadly, I look like my father... hahaha.) But I inherited her good skin, so when I'm thinner people always think I'm like 16 years old. But anyways... she used to teach me that I wasn't allowed to live life and be happy unless I looked a certain way in which she (and thus, society) approved of. I could go on and on about her but I digress... but it's so sad how screwed up I became in terms of my self-esteem and loving myself because of her constant issues. And because of her, I married a man who was the same way towards me. I was *never* good enough. No matter how much I bent over backwards, I wasn't allowed to be loved or treated kindly because I didn't fit his ideal of "perfect."

    Man... it's really sad to see how my youth was wasted due to such nasty, screwed up people. But the even sadder thing is, so many people don't realize even this and die never knowing that they weren't in the wrong-- it was everyone else who had the problem, not them. :(
  8. Bonkers

    Bonkers Gold Member

    :0clapper: love it!

    I just wanted to pop in and say wow! You guys echoing my thots and feeling exactly.
  9. Weathergirl986

    Weathergirl986 Full Member

    Angel I want to reply but how do you pick up bits of the post and include them individually?
  10. AngelWings

    AngelWings Professional Sky Dancer

    The easiest way to do it would be to highlight what you want to reply to, and then click that little "word balloon" button on the end of the formatting options when you reply. It should quote it for you.
  11. Opeyx

    Opeyx Full Member

    Quite simply no.
    Not if they told me the reason for lack of interest before was my weight, as such my lack of interest now would be because of there shallowness!
  12. baalel

    baalel New Member

    No, if they value the outer shell so much then who's to say in a few years when you age a bit, or maybe put back on a few pounds that they won't lose interest again and start looking elsewhere.
  13. AngelWings

    AngelWings Professional Sky Dancer

    Exactly! I think it's important to be healthy, but if you're only attracting people who want you for the way you look, you're going to end up with someone who is going to start looking elsewhere once the looks fade. Even though I can't stand her, I feel bad for my mate's ex-wife. She used to do catalog modeling when she was a teenager and is a very pretty woman. But she is obsessed with holding onto her youth. She gets botox and the whole nine yards, and she's only in her mid-30's!!! How crazy is that? I understand that women are held to a higher standard sometimes as far as physical beauty is concerned, but why on earth would you put yourself through such torture as to inject botulism into your face? And then to be worried constantly that other women who are better looking than you (because there always will be women who look better than you!) will "steal" your man? Omg... no thank you! lol!
  14. Tetris

    Tetris Gold Member

    I think it is understandable that some people have turn offs and for a lot of people, obesitynis one of them. If someone you otherwise really liked had an awful BO problem or warts on their face, you might not be able to see past that either... But maybe you could! And many guys see past fatness (my boyfriend included who loves me as much now as when I weighed 20st!) but everyone has turn ons and turn offs they cant help, I dont see it as an entirely shallow thing. I have liked large guys before, but for me the real turn off is low intelligence and I dont like chavvy/non posh accents! If I fancied someone who wasnt well spoken or intelligent enough I wouldnt date them, so I understand why someone might not want to date me for being obese, if that makes sense?

    Having said that, I'm so embarassed about the weight I was and how I looked that I dont know if I could get psdt being with someone who rejected me back then- my self esteme is still low and it would constantly be in the back of my mind!
  15. chezz

    chezz walk walk walk

    i get what everyone is saying but most men just want a beautiful accessory on is arm like he was showing off a new car it does not have to be intelligent or anything it just as to look good men like that are not worth what i find on my bottom of my shoe when i dont look where im going :D
    my beautiful friend 8 stone wet through had a man like this she got wise to him and at a very important meeting for him she know she was going to chuck him went in her own car lol and when they was talking she came out with if is ideas or as big as is **** then i would run now cause it will not bring you no excitement oh i laughed and laughed she is married now to a lovely man and as 3 kids there all lovely x x x
  16. elm

    elm Silver Member

    Hahahahahahaha! Best thing I've read in a long time.
  17. happyhealthy

    happyhealthy Omnomnomnom

    This made me very sad to read. My own mother was very like yours. I was her only child and she loved me dearly, but she was so obsessed with my appearance she did terrible amounts of damange to my self esteem, something I don't even think she is aware of. I remember being five at my cousins wedding and her telling me to hold on my stomach in pictures. I remember almost daily until I moved out she'd tell me that I couldn't wear something, or skinny jeans weren't for me being "my stomach just hung out and it looked terrible". All in all I spent my whole teenage years thinking I was ugly and being increadably self aware, laughing off the suggestion that I could be good enough for romance and genuinely beliving that any man who took an intrest in me must of been having a laugh. and I hate to admite it but it was mostly my mothers fault.

    I'm 21 now, and I have done a lot to try and over it. I lost a lot of weight a few years ago and my confidence incresded ten fold. I got a boyfriend and I became the student president of my faculty. Unfortunatly, like yourself, my boyfriend turned out just to be the exact same as my mother. I was never good enough for him. Even at 115lb I wasn't skinny enough, wasn't good enough, wasn't attractive enough. And in some wrapped up logic because I wasn't all these things, I didn't deserve to be loved or treated with affections because "it was hard for him to be affectionate towarsd someone who he wasn't fully attracted to".
  18. Inspire1992

    Inspire1992 Full Member

    Probably. Though I'd probably prefer to meet someone new.

    Well, I appreciate that physical attraction is part of a romantic/sexual relationship - if at least in the beginning stages, and just because someone doesn't fancy me because I'm overweight doesn't make them "shallow", it means they have a preference and can't help it. If anything I would be more upset and offended if someone feigned attraction to me just because they liked my personality when really all along they resented being physical with me, so to speak.

    What is "shallow" is refusing to associate or befriend someone because of their looks.

    Even though I am very overweight, I am honestly not attracted to men who are very overweight.. is it hypocritical? Maybe, and it does limit my options, but I can't help it.
  19. stacy87

    stacy87 Silver Member

    Definitely not! Don't get me wrong, I get that people have their preferences when it comes to partners, but if a guy rejected me solely because of my weight, then "changed his mind" once I was slimmer I would be telling him where to go!! Like others have said, if all a person is interested in is physical attraction, what's to say they won't leave when you aren't their version of perfection?
  20. Sp33dybabycakes

    Sp33dybabycakes Full Member

    M one of them 'looks ain't important to me' people, I fell in love with my fiancé 10 years ago because he wasn't prepared to change me and I wasn't prepared to change him. We been together 10 years and have 2 amazing children we both are overweight but we are both losing he has always said he don't care how I look x
  21. PrincessSparklePants

    PrincessSparklePants Little Miss Christmas

    I like some meat on my men in the first place, the stick insect look doesn't do it for me.

    If someone said it to me, I wouldn't date them after I lost weight. It'd be stuck in your head constantly - each time there was an argument it'd spill over. What about if you aged and put a little more back on? Would you constantly be thinking that they wanted you less?

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