2015 here I come!

Still lacking energy. This isn't good! I took my iron this morning and will take another one this afternoon. Just feel like everything is such an effort at the moment. I'm (weirdly) sleeping better than I have done in years I think - but not waking up refreshed. Maybe I just have to accept I'm middle-aged and knackered?!

Feel a bit like a rabbit in the headlights: so many big meetings/presentations to do in the next week and no time to prepare for any of them properly. I tried to move the one tomorrow but it wasn't possible. Just hanging in there by the skin of my teeth - and so want to "cheat" (but I haven't). I AM SO FAT! aaaargh.

Chairing a new meeting this afternoon so am apprehensive about how well the people will "gel" and if the meeting will be useful and flow properly. Then tomorrow I have a lecture to give at UCL (aargh) - and then next week loads of big meetings in NY. Why did I sign up for this? I can't do it!!

Breathe.

I'm managing by taking each day at a time - it's the only way - but between whiles I get a bit panicky.
 
Right - one down and four more to go. The meeting yesterday went ok. I'm stressing about my own performance in it but people have said it was useful. Stayed up til 11 last night finishing my lecture notes. Having doubts about that too, but soldiering on regardless. Then I've got stats and an agenda to do for two meetings next Tuesday and have done the prep already for the fifth meeting, which is my appraisal (gulp).

Just seriously lacking confidence at the moment. Three years with a boss I found difficult to work with (long story and not really one I want to broadcast!) has really sapped my self-belief. I'm hoping today will get me some of my enthusiasm back.

Then a lovely afternoon/evening as my elder daughter (9) is singing with the school choir and 7,000 (!) other children at the O2!! Amazing!!

Then I've booked tomorrow off so I can have a guilt-free slower start to the day (ie 7am not 5:30) and take time to pack properly for NYC. I once forgot my laptop cable, which was a bit embarrassing as a new head of dept! Mind you people at my level used to have PAs and now we get no support. The amount of time I spend booking and arranging meetings is ridiculous!!

Also bitter (ish) about how my predecessor in my previous role (ie one down from the job I'm now doing) raved about travelling business class everywhere. By the time I booked my first flight here the policy was 'economy only'. I get the saving it makes the company but sometimes do feel hard done by, with the stressful job and responsibility but none of the perks. I've been thinking I'll suggest a shared admin person for me and three other global leaders in the company...

Now I wish I'd started out by weighing. It's hard keeping the faith when I don't feel any slimmer. However I went to the supermarket late last night for a USB stick (the glamour!!) and had a look at the things I could have bought, binge wise, and just couldn't do it. I just didn't want to! So that's huge progress, isn't it?
 
Struggling with massive insecurity and lack of confidence. What's that about? Had a big weep at my husband on Friday - just overwhelmed with everything - kind of "stop the bus I want to get off". I feel so trapped. Only reason I feel this bad is because I'm scared of my big meetings on Tuesday - but I just can't get past it. Feeling HUGE and bloated. Ended up having some carbs on the plane because otherwise I'd have had about a tablespoon of beef stew and that would have been it. So now i feel I've blown it - which is complete over-exaggeration, I know, but still.

Lack of sleep doesn't help!
 
What DOES help is having got a lot of work done this morning so I feel more on top of things. I quite like staying in hotels on my own
- pity the jetlag prevented me sleeping last night because otherwise it's quite blissful! (Much nicer than the grotty place I stayed in last time!) Anyway...Going to Skype with the family soon and then go out for a wander. There is too much choice though - I can't decide what to do!!
 
Well, slept a bit longer today: woke at 1am but managed to get back to sleep til 3am, which means I've had just over five hours' sleep, which isn't too bad. Big storm overnight (and still blowing now - I can hear the convoys of snow plows (deliberately US spelling there!). I went to Ground Zero yesterday. I saw it a few years ago, before they finished the monument. I hadn't seen the finished place. It's beautiful and sombre and dignified (apart from some strange people taking grinning selfies in front of it - what's up with that?!)

I had the thought to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, having not visited before, but was sooooo tired in the afternoon I shelved the idea for another time. Went out for dinner with a colleague last night, which was lovely but a bit foggy as jetlag has really kicked in. I hope I'll start to feel better today!

So first day in the office. I'm wondering how many people will make it in, given the weather - not so much the snow, but ice is forecast too. Would be ironic to have come all this way to spend time with people only for them to be working from home!

I've got my big meetings tomorrow and I'm still scared! Keep telling myself there's a day to go... I can do more if I need to. But I will be glad when it's tomorrow evening and I'm out the other side. That will be a lovely evening and probably a full nights' sleep. Low carb has crumbled quite a bit, but not terrible. I'm thinking of combining it with starting running (!) when I get back, as I don't seem to be losing weight on it despite having lovely pink keto sticks (which I never got on LL) and low appetite when I cut carbs right back. Just would be a useful addition to my week I think - starting out jogging.
 
Hi there:). Just wanted to subscribe and say well done for keeping going when travelling - as far as you can. Having been low carb for last few years I definitely recommend it:) having travelled significantly for work in previous life I wish I had known that then!
 
Well... I blew the low carb a bit, really. Not the end of the world, but need/want to get back on track again - might mean a couple of days of headaches and grumpiness I guess.

In other news - I've been runnning - twice! and liked it!!?!! Bizarre. I'm totally rubbish at it, but I'm doing walk/jog/walk for 20 minutes every other day - that's my plan. I don't care how slow I go - as long as I go - and I feel totally brilliant afterwards.

What may have influenced me a bit, although my thinking around weight/dieting/exercise and wellness has been evolving for some time, is that I bought a copy of "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg at the airport and it's very motivating.

Next on my reading list is "Can't Buy My Love" by Jean Kilbourne, which is very well-regarded book about the power of advertising...

Anyway - I'm back! I survived my scary meetings and got A-MA-ZING feedback on my performance from both my boss and my boss's boss :). Only downside is some unpleasant and very unexpected fallout from my team meeting, which I am dealing with today... oh well!
 
Back on low carb without any trouble the past couple of days: it feels good in fact :). Also liking that I seem to have (hope I'm not tempting fate here) actually shaken off some of my diet "should/must" stress with this way of approaching things. Focusing on sleep, moving more, but not obsessively, making time for little things for me - like this morning not getting up out of bed the minute the alarm light got bright - going down and feeding the dog and making myself a cup of tea and taking it back to bed for ten minutes. Lovely.

I feel I'm really allowing myself choice, which is what makes the difference. Like my husband and I are probably going to do ourselves a nice dinner in on Saturday - which could mean wine and dessert - or might not, depending how I feel. Very relaxed. Not like me at all lol.

Still stressing from time to time about work but I find the main thing that helps is... *drum roll*

SLEEP

lol. Who knew?! :rolleyes:

As my line manager said, I deserve to be kind to myself because it's a big job and I've only been in it eight months. Must remember that!!

Hope everyone has a great day.
 
Not sure what's got into me but I decided last night to start running in the mornings rather than trying to fit it in in the evening after a busy day when I'm tired and just want to veg out. Woke up this morning at 3am lol - managed to get a bit more sleep though and finally went out at 6:20 for 20 minutes. Very impressed with myself :). I can see this working because it gets it out of the way!

Got a mums' meal out tonight. I'm a bit of a homebody so it will take some mental oomph to make me actually go out this evening (I also tend naturally towards introversion so after a busy week with people at work I like recharging on the weekend with just my close family). I'm sure I'll enjoy it once I'm there though - and I'm chuffed to have been included in the invitation.

Tomorrow a cycling instructor is coming down from the council to start helping me with road safety. I never did cycling proficiency when I was younger and pretty much had to teach myself how to ride a bike. This means I have NO confidence and can't actually take a hand off the handlebars to signal (bit of a problem). I remembered the council had a scheme to get children cycling so asked about grown ups and they do us too! I'm a bit nervous but also excited because once I can cycle on the road safely it will really open things up for me... fits in with my little notion of being the commuter with the folding bike etc.

Hope everyone is having a lovely day! I've not eaten yet as I wasn't hungry for breakfast - but tummy starting to grumble now. Thankfully I'm meeting an old friend for lunch at 12:45. Need to find something low carb!
 
Cycling on Saturday was terrifying but good :D. Just need more practice now I think. I went for a run this morning - get me! It's so much easier to not have the mental debate with myself, and just GO. I want to build up to a regular habit of going every alternate day - but missed yesterday as I was a bit knackered. I AM ALWAYS KNACKERED - RUNNING GIVES ME ENERGY - I SHOULD REMEMBER THIS lol.

Anyway - I'm very proud of myself, which after YEARS of being down on myself because of my weight and various diets etc, feels very good. Perhaps this is the way to tackle things from a different angle: beating myself up just sent me straight to the carbs. This - exercising - tackles the "I'm so rubbish" mental chatter head on, and also calms my innate anxiety. Yay!
 
Been a bit of a maelstrom of emotions over the past week and completely lost my "centre". So I've been eating and drinking whatever and whenever, not getting to bed at a good time and not exercising. So I feel rubbish! The trigger? My MIL deciding to come for a long weekend. This is fine - she was staying at a hotel so not really any work for me at all - but it was last-minute, and I had to shift all our usual weekend plans around her. Which I deeply deeply resent. And then I feel bad, because she's been very very poorly, and I feel like a bad person for not just welcoming her with open arms.

And then last night she prepared a buffet for when I got home from work, which was lovely - but I ruined it by thanking her and in the process upsetting my DH, who now thinks I made him look bad in front of his Mum by implying he never cooks me dinner. (He doesn't very often - partly because I make it so damned hard with all my diets/low carb confusion etc - but also because he usually eats earlier with the girls).

So I feel rubbish today. I need sleep, and nutritious food, and some exercise I think. Perspective. DH and I made up before we left this morning but I still feel I can't win with him and his Mum. His Mum is saying she'll come down in the summer - I suggested she let us know when she was thinking of so we could plan and she did agree to do that though I'll believe it when I see it as her usual thing is to just tell DH the week before (which she maybe sees as forward-planning?)

Ugh. And the low feelings make me self-doubt my ability at my work. And I have SO MUCH TO DO. And I doubt my ability as a parent because I'm never there (apart from having a brilliant day off with my girls on Friday) - and and and and. Enough!!

Need to pull myself together.
 
Sleep, that knits up this ravell'd sleave of care...
 
Been MIA for a while... rebalancing. Just got so much on at work I don't know where to start and then all the chaos in my head and getting a bit overwhelmed really. I will plug away at things and get through it and it will be fine. Ended up getting a prescription from the GP last week - by phone - I'm seeing her tomorrow evening. I'm in two minds about taking it though as I do know this is all part of life. But sometimes it all just gets too much and I almost panic somehow, thinking about all the different responsibilities I have.

Anyway - I'm still focused on being kind to myself - even if I'm not exclusively low-carbing at the moment I'm also not mainlining sugar (!). I got an early night last night and will have some more this week. One of the issues I have is that my hubby spends his days alone, between school runs, and so in the evening he wants me to be mega-sociable and chatty, and stay up late - when in fact I just want to be a hermit after a day of meetings and want to turn in around 8:30pm.

We'll get there. I thought I might go for a run this morning but then slept til 6:30 so it was too late. Never mind! I will put my stuff by my bed tonight and see if I can do it tomorrow. Just not beating myself up really - accepting days will vary and that's normal.

Had a brilliant weekend. Last year I got chatting to a couple of my oldest friends about how we never see one another as we live at opposite ends of the country. I suggested we meet in the middle and spend one night in a hotel. Well - just did it! Went to York with an old friend from secondary school. We just pootled about, had nice food, used the hotel spa, went to the Minster for Eucharist on Sunday. Lovely! I'm doing the same thing again in a few weeks' time.

My Mum was very sniffy about it when I first mentioned it - like I was abandoning my hubby and being very frivolous. But I pointed out that I've NEVER done this - and my oldest is almost TEN!!! She got the point I think lol.

Also - weirdly (having just organised these two weekends for the first time in years) - I got invited to a Mums' weekend via school - so I've got that in April as well!! Go me!

All of which somehow gave my DH "permission" to book himself rugby tickets - so he's going to Twickenham with a mate in a few weeks' time. FAB! :)

Somehow I think this is tackling some of the underlying causes of the overeating...
 
I'm really happy you are making time for yourself. I think it is so important and even with the best will it is not possible for someone else to understand the relentless nature of caring and the responsibility that you carry. I would actually say it is essential to allow you to enjoy your family time fully without feeling overwhelmed. Go you, indeed.

Good luck with the running. I once heard of someone who slept in her running clothes - I got the principle but surely, a step too far!!
 
Well, been a bit of a couch potato of late. It all got a bit too much for me. I went to the GP and have started a course of sertraline. I've had other SSRIs before but not this one (this one is meant to be very good for anxiety, which is my problem). I was very anxious (irony!) about starting it but something had to give. I just feel overwhelmed at times. Weekends are just as hectic as the weeks and it all gets too much.

This week is a big one for me, workwise, finishing off a huge project. I've also got lots of other projects ongoing and something else, staffingwise, that I can't comment on right now as it's confidential until tomorrow. Sigh. In some ways I love being responsible and in charge, but other days it just all gets on top of me a bit. I will see what I can achieve today. Tomorrow I might go for a run or a swim, we'll see. Just done the school run because it meant a nice long walk, which has helped the anxiety levels a bit.

Weight is the least of my worries at the moment, though I do feel a bit of a fool for ever doing a vlcd. Like they see you coming, don't they? Unless you RADICALLY cut carbs afterwards, which is very difficult to do (I managed it for eighteen months but then cracked) the weight is almost guaranteed to go back on. I suppose the other option is RADICALLY increasing your exercise level - also difficult. Not impossible, but very very difficult.

Then we all seem to end up gaining, and then beating ourselves up, and yo-yo-ing for years and never actually getting anywhere. At times I've thought of just giving up on my weight and accepting I'm back at a size 16/18 and so what? I'm middle aged and frumpy and I guess I always was. It's natural, isn't it? Fighting it and trying to stay a size 12 just isn't sustainable. But then I feel so very sad. It was such an amazing feeling being slim, finally, for all that time. And I blew it. We all do, don't we? The body reasserts itself and demands to be fed. I'm starting to think that slim-ness is only really achievable for people who have never dieted.
 
Stressed! Just need to get through the day. I can do this. I can. I must!
 
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