2015 here I come!

[Spanglymum]

Sheer effort of will - but I got through the day and got my draft report done. Blimey!

 

[Clinquant]

Well done. I think we can drive ourselves mad with the thought of what's coming up. Once we are head down into the day it's not as bad. I had a super tired day today so I feel for you.

 

[Spanglymum]

I've been so low of late. Weekend (one night) away with an old school friend, which was lovely in parts but also "triggering" in others. I've known her since I was six, and I realised, seeing her again, how many of my insecurities stem from growing up alongside her. She's a wonderful wonderful person - and also happens to be remarkably beautiful (kind of head-turning, traffic-stopping beautiful), and naturally very very slender. She is the same height as me. We went clothes shopping on Saturday (why?!) and there she was, coming out of the changing rooms in more than one store, wearing size 8 jeans and asking for the six. I don't want to be THAT thin, but the level of approval and ooh-ing and aah-ing by sales assistants was really difficult to take. I sound like a horrid person, don't I? But she knows I've had weight issues all my life. She knows I lost six stone. She knows I'm really down about being fat again. Sigh.

Anyway. I am still focused on eating sensibly, and exercising where I can, to build fitness not weight loss, and to give myself some stress relief. The anxiety tablets are having the side effect of worse anxiety at the moment (which the GP said might happen). This is difficult! But I'm getting through it, day by day.

And I only have eight working days left until I'm on holiday for a week - and Disneyland Paris! Courtesy of my very generous mother. So so kind of her to suggest we should go. I'm terrified of roller coasters though but will have to get over that as my hubby can't go on anything because of his MS. It will be four days of pure escapism though... looking forward to it.

 

[Spanglymum]

Back at GP last night for a review of the sertraline. I have to say that apart from a couple of HORRIBLE rebound anxiety attacks since I started, it's starting to work gently I think. I feel less sick with fear/dread and more like I will find solutions to things life throws at me. I was due to go up to 100mg this week but the GP suggested I stick with 50mg for a couple more weeks and then increase if I then feel I might need to (he thinks I probably will find 100mg beneficial eventually).

So much of my food/weight issues are caught up with the anxiety cycle and self-medicating with sugar, carbs and alcohol. The sertraline is helping me calm down a bit, which is just what I needed. I just hope I don't get any more of the panicky times - last Thursday and Friday I had really horrible ones and thought I might have to go home from work!

 

[Spanglymum]

Spoke too soon! :sigh: Had a horrible anxiety attack around 3am today. Just so stressed about everything going on at work. I've got people leaving but because of a restructure I can't recruit replacements!!! Have sent an assertive email to my boss and cc-ed his boss so hopefully we'll be able to discuss sensibly later today. It's an impossible situation really. I hope they will see I'm not just throwing my hands up in despair: I'm pointing out that realistically I can't pick up the work of two managers in addition to my own...

 

[Clinquant]

Hi

I really thought I'd posted earlier in the week - must have started and not pressed send. Hope the anxiety is getting under control a bit - seems so cruel that medication designed to support you can initially make things worse. My mum was having a med review this week and I was thinking that the sertraline may be a better choice for her as the anxiety is really high right now.

As for the work stuff it is perfectly reasonable to ask for extra help. Is it practical to have an interim pending the restructure if they don't want to accept that you will need some extra help however the structure is going to be. Hopefully you will have got the promise of some support by now.

 

[Spanglymum]

Hello!

I'm back from DLP and even survived a roller coaster (brave emoticon). It was FUN! It's a very peculiar place, so fake and weird and otherworldly - but no denying we all had fun there. I was glad to get back though. In particular it was fab to pick up our dog from the kennels yesterday . The girls met lots of characters and had a great time - but it was brilliant to see how genuinely excited and happy they were to be reunited with the dog. Yay. (There was part of me that worried that five days of Disney might mess with their heads! )

Back down to earth with a bump today though. I think it will be a very early night for me tonight. I do now have permission to hire backfill/interim staff on FTCs though - so at least that's something - but it's hard not knowing how things will pan out.

Weight/size wise I feel rubbish. It's as though I was in major denial but then seeing myself in the hotel mirrors, I looked different somehow, and I realised how big I've got again. I felt pretty bad about it while I was away - but I've focused on leaving food on my plate, and trying to make healthy choices 80% of the time.

 

[Spanglymum]

So I went swimming yesterday and then today bit the bullet and signed up for the local gym. They have classes at lunchtimes, and a regular gym and the swimming pool. I've promised myself that I will go every day I'm in the office, even if I just sit in the jacuzzi. My main focus isn't really my weight, it's de-stressing. Spent so long signing up at lunchtime today I didn't get to go but I have my induction tomorrow. I feel positive about it. Enough's enough with the crazy diets and denial etc. What matters is my anxiety/stress levels and keeping a clear head through all this merger turmoil. I'm supposed to be a head of department, for goodness' sake!

 

[Clinquant]

I'm with you on all of that. The exercise is so key to mood. The rest kind of falls into place after I start moving.

 

[Spanglymum]

Gym today was fab! Failed slightly on the "going every day" front... Friday was wfh, Monday had to wfh in the afternoon and do school run, yesterday my boss's boss called a lunchtime meeting I couldn't get out of - but I went today and it was brilliant. I felt all glowy and mellow afterwards - just what I need to get me through this insane time at work...

 

[Spanglymum]

I was off Friday: a weekend away with five other Mums. I've never done that before - only one of the group had, in fact - so it was a real treat for all of us. Lovely! Got back yesterday. I went for a short swim at lunchtime today and a sauna and go in the spa pool. Bliss! Tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym or to a class, haven't decided yet. Did some lovely beach walks over the weekend and also had a back massage. All good stuff. I'm still larger than I would like but I feel a lot less stressed.

 

[Spanglymum]

Still plodding on... The gym/swimming at lunchtime has been carrying me through. It's not been easy at work at all, but I like a challenge, right? Having some major side effects at the moment so will go back for a review in the next week or so. Still overweight, but in the grand scheme of things am taking things one day at a time, picking my battles (and other cliches of our time).

 

[Spanglymum]

Was thwarted yesterday - the gym was closed because of a minor flood! Hopefully better luck today...

 

[angie-bum]

Hi artybee, it's been great reading yr diary, so many things u write remind me of me! Am off to read my previous diary to remind myself how to lose weight again.