98 Year Old Woman Writes Letter To Her Bank!

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Mini, 1 July 2009.

  1. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

    98 Year Old Woman Writes Letter To Her Bank

    A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank.
    The bank manager thought it
    amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

    Dear Sir:

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
    pay my plumber last month.

    By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his
    presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
    honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
    entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
    eight years.

    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
    also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
    caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
    me to rethink my errant financial ways.

    I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
    letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
    overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

    From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
    person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
    longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
    personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must

    Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
    to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
    Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
    runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
    as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
    copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary
    Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
    debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
    In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
    must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
    digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
    required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
    they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Let me level the playing field even further.
    When you call me, press buttons as follows:
    1-- To make an appointment to see me.
    2-- To query a missing payment.
    3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6-- To transfer the call to my ****** phone if I am not at home.
    7-- To leave a message on my computer. (a password to access my computer
    is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
    Authorized Contact.)
    8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
    9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put
    on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
    play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your
    example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting
    up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

    Your Humble Client

    (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)
  2. howdy-doody

    howdy-doody Eloquent hooligan

    That's absolutely top drawer :D
  3. LaLaLou

    LaLaLou Well-Known Member

    LMAO! That's brilliant!
  4. Barb

    Barb Well-Known Member

  5. Dancing

    Dancing Well-Known Member

    hmmmmm... what job was she being paid for, considering she is 98 years old?
  6. mommyB

    mommyB love it

    hilarious-it was in the new york times-i dont think they have a set retirement age do they? she' quite clearly has all her marbles whatever she's doing!!
  7. furrysmudge

    furrysmudge Well-Known Member

    Lol I got this sent in an email, but must admit in mine it said her 'entire pension'. Very very funny wish she was my gran! I may use it as a template next time my bank does that to me......x
  8. Sulleyp

    Sulleyp The Minis Bad Boy

    Unfortunately this got exposed as a fraud. Written by some journalist as something she would write to her bank when she was fighting back death and losing ehr mind.
  9. howdy-doody

    howdy-doody Eloquent hooligan

    Nevertheless a most eloquent & entertaining read...

    Word-smithing rocks my world...
  10. CalicoSoneji

    CalicoSoneji Well-Known Member

  11. Taz

    Taz Spam Hunter

    The old ones really are the best!
  12. Ronsy

    Ronsy Well-Known Member


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