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A bit of a dilemma

Today we received an email from SIL. DH and SIL do not speak to each other at all and I doubt they ever will.

MIL lives with SIL and BIL.

In the email she has asked us if we would consider having MIL living with us for a few months as she is depressed (MIL) and needs a change of scene.

She was here in November and it was dreadful, really hard work. We have 7 dogs and she was not happy around them, which really stressed me out and meant I was tense all the time. I found myself locking them out of the living room when she was in it. Not on !!!!

We leave for work at 6.30 a.m. at the weekends and DH was coming back home again to pick her up at around 11a.m. so that she would not be alone.

I feel I can not cope with it. I can not face cooking for her and cleaning up after her, taking her into town, trying to entertain her. Never being able to move without her, putting our lives on hold for someone who in the past has not been very nice to us. On top of all this she is the most negative person I have every met and she drags us down.

It is an impossible situation for us, especially for me. How selfish does that sound?

As you know I am waiting for my biopsy and I can not face the possibility of perhaps having to go through treatment again and having her here on a more or less permanent basis.

On top of all that we are trying to sell the house and have people coming for a second look this month. If they buy that would mean moving to France. I can not do it !!!!

She is very hard work and I just can not do it. I know I CAN NOT...... and I don't know how to tell SIL who did not even have the curtesy to address us personally in the email.......no Dear............. just straight into it and no regards from........nothing. Not that that really matters.

I do not feel that well, I am worried, I am tired after months of looking after the old lady and I can do no more.

She has a brother she could stay with if she needs a change of scene and I think that is where she should be.

She is a total hypocondriac and is always ill.........I can not do it.

DH is in complete agreement with me though he says she can come over for a few weeks. I do not even want that.
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Silver Member
Oh Heck! I really feel for you but,as you feel so strongly I think a no she cant as you are not up to it yourself.

Like you said she makes your lives a misery and why should you put up with it in your own home.

Email back Dear..... Sorry Im not 100%myself at the moment and have problems of my own. It isnt a good time for visitors.

Hope it works out.

Its odd when we are the sort of people who dont want to upset others the others dont mind doing it to us.:D
Sue...NO! NO! NO!

You simply can't even contemplate taking this woman on! For goodness sake...put yourself first for once. You are not in a position to take on any more stress or work, regardless of what your biopsy results are. Please just email your SIL and politely decline her request...blame DH, blame the dogs, blame your health, blame the house sale, or simply say no full stop...but say NO. It's obvious you don't feel you can cope with her, and it wouldn't be fair on either of you if you agreed when you don't want to.

Come on Sue...be the strong woman I know you are.

Lots of luv, Dawn xx
I'm not lucky enough to know you like the others do, but I totally agree with what has been said......NO!!!!!! Good luck xx


Gold Member
Sue, you know you can't do this, you don't need our permission but here it is. It is fully allowed for you to look after yourself!

Actually, from deep down in the ocean this little mollusc yells "I ORDER YOU TO LOOK OUT FOR SUE FIRST!"
Here's what I think. I think you should have her come live with you, make it your lifes work to tend to her every whim, cook, clean and iron for her, learn jazz flute so that you can put on concerts for her each evening, dust off your tap shoes for a bit of variety if you like, and invite her to take your side of the bed, while you make a little nest out of sticks and straw and sleep in the stables. You clearly have nothing better to do with your time at the moment and should frankly be grateful for the opportunity to take on a bit of extra responsibility. :8855:

Alternatively you can point out to DH that until you get this testing done, you have quite enough to worry about already thankingyoukindly, and that whilst in an ideal world you would like nothing more than to have her come stay, this isn't by any stretch of even the most mundane imagination an ideal world, and for the foreseeable future, your stress levels need to be minimised and between trying to sell your house, dealing with your health issues and trying to eke out a living while subsisting on a diet of deliciously fresh grapefruits and slightly older oranges you have quite enough to be handling for now.

Then write back to the SIL and tell her to stick your MIL where the sun don't shine, which by my reckoning is somewhere on the outskirts of Alpha Centauri.

You know it makes sense Rodney.

Devon Dolce

1lb at a time!
Exactly what MLM said! xxx
I agree with everyone else. You don't have to give reasons, just say that although you haven't mentioned anything to them, you are having a difficult time yourself at the moment and aren't able to have visitors.


Loves Norman Reedus
Hi Sue

I agree with everything that is mentioned above. I did notice in your post that it seems that you were trying to justify why it wouldnt be convenient for her to stay with you, it was like you were feeling guilty for all those reasons. (i am probably wrong about it).
You know that i love my MIL but i couldnt and wouldnt have her live with us for a few months it would drive me nuts.
And as you have said, you arent in the position to care for her and plus if she isnt happy at yours, as she doesnt like the dogs / being left alone etc, then why if she is suffering from depression would she want to be somewhere that makes her unhappy?

And no you are not selfish.
Like Furrysmudge said, I don't know you very well either but have to say you really cannot do that to yourself. If things don't go well with your biopsy then all that extra stress will only delay your getting back to a healthier happier Fillymum. SIL needs to help MIL find alternative arrangements/activities to help lift her depression.
Love & hugs to you
I think we are all in agreement, the answer is ''NO!''
Thank you, thank you, thank you, each and everyone of you. This was a fantastic thread to come home to. We have done an 11 hour day and this is just the tonic I needed......slimline of course.

Your answers, everyone of them confirmed and strengthened our resolve not to allow ourselves to be used. Thank you again.

DH has emailed the dreaded SIL and outlined what all of you have said. He has pointed out that under the circumstances it is a no go area. We are now waiting for the avalanche.

MLM......I love you !!!!! I have booked my jazz flute lessons and my tap dancing classes, but just to entertain my darling husband whilst wearing a skimpy negligee, because you and everyone else have made me realise that he deserves all my attention at present as he is so worried and I deserve his........cos I do, I know I do. I am trying to work out why , but I know I do lol.

When I posted here I was in turmoil but having read this thread I feel calmer and justified in the way I feel.

Just off to prepare a grapefruit and orange feast......................
Just to let you know that SIL answered to DH's email with just one word "Okay".

DH rang his mum and asked her how she is. Would you believe she is fine, going to see her brother for a few days next week and looking forward to. SL and BL away for the weekend..................... very strange !!!!

Me thinks they just want to get rid of her for a while..............horrid people.
Well well eh?! So glad you gathered yourselves and said it's not possible. Your conscience is more than clear me thinks Fillymum. At least you were honest ;)
Well done Sue for staying strong!!! :character00116:

I'm sure I speak for everyone on here when I say we are proud of you, and DH of course, for making a stand against evil SIL! You must have heard the collective sigh of relief from us all when we read DH has told her NO!!! PHEW!!! :rolleyes:
Now off you go...get that negligee on :banana dancer: and get loved up with DH :love: :candledinner: :lilkiss: :bananalove: Ply him with plenty of orange vodka :drunk: turn your mobile off and lock the front door!!! Then enjoy some well deserved time together :censored:

Lots and lots of love to you both, Dawn xx :flowers:
Thanks so much for that.

I felt so much better today because DH sorted things but most of all because he had spoken to his mother. She is his mum, so it must have been hard for him to say no.

He loved the flute and the dancing !!!!


Trying again in 2012
I'm a little late to the party - been entertaining a grumpy MIL of my own (although not a flute, a tap shoe or a negligee in sight!!) but v glad that you managed to politely decline and put your own health and happiness first xxx

(and as for the flute, tap shoes and negligee number, how about a little you tube post for us all? - We won't tell anyone else, honestly!!!)


Gold Member
Just caught up with this, so glad you said no Sue. Think of yourselves, we've sometimes got to be a little bit selfish lovely lady. xxx

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