@~**Anne-Marie's Maintenance Diary**~@

[anne-mariep]

Glad you enjoyed yourself AM and got the well-deserved compliments! I don't think you did too badly foodwise - not enough to gain any weight if you're straight back on track today. I love the way you blame the food for being sick .... nothing at all to do with the 10 or 12 vodkas!!

You're doing fine! xx

Thanks, Well i blame the food coz it didnt feel like a hangover it felt like my digestive system was gonna blow up coz it had too much work haha! Now i'm sure all the vodka didn't help the situation but I'm sticking to the fact that the naughty food made me sick haha! I was extra good yesterday had less than 1000 cals not on purpose just not having anything to eat in my nanny's helped alot. I did have a rice cake and some apricots thou. The apricots are offically gone as of this morning won't be buying them again for a while they are too addictive.

Well bring on christmas I feel in a much better place now like i can deal with all the lovely foods that come with christmas. woo hoo. Now must put up the tree in the next few days and start doing my shopping for me christmas season offically begins NOW! hahaha! Yes im a nut today!

 

[anne-mariep]

Ok so in the middle of a binge from hell. I blame calorie counting I was doing grand then i realised i was below 1000 again so decided to have a fruit scone with jam then some chocolate not much but still then you guessed it chocolate ice cream (i weighted it an all) then packet of snack a jacks. Oh i'm insane. I need to get a major grip on reality. BAD DAY had so many things when i should just stick to 3 meals it works better. Fresh Start tomorrow im going to have a bath and get everything ready for work im staying in my aunts ( hope she has something healthy for dinner) get this coz She has a dress from monsoon for me to try on this guy is selling them but it wont fit anyone coz its too small hahaha she rang me coz im small now if that isnt an incentive to stop bloody eating i don't know what is.

Ok so im gonna do it list my food mostly to acknowledge im weak.

Breakfast ~ got up to let the dog out had a banana. When i offically got up i had porridge with tiny amount of raisins. Also nibbled on last few apricots not getting them for a while too tempting.

Snack ~ half a small banana tried to give the other half to my dog but she wudnt eat it but at least she licked it so i cudnt finish it haha! Plum. 3 s&v rice cakes.

Went for nearly a 3 hour walk get this more than 8 miles. I tracked it when i got home on google. Pretty damn impressive. hahaha!

Lunch ~ carrot & coriander soup.

Dinner ~ chicken with 2 new baby potatoes, mixed veg, carrot, parsnip, peas and broccolli. Little bit of corned beef.

Binge from hell ~ fruit scone with scrape of jam. 2 small bits of dark chocolate. 1 small bit of milk chocolate. 30g of chocolate ice cream. packet of S&V snack a jacks.

New start tomorrow must weigh myself in the morning before work. Either way I'm being good until christmas.

**** Im unstoppable so what did I do I ate some smoked cod then I ate some mixed nuts and fruit. I am stuffed but can't get control. Im my own worst enemy this evening but even thou i feel like a pig i will write everything here no matter how bad.

*add maintenance bar and alpen bar im done now. no more snacking im in pain now only way to make myself stop. Im a fool and i know it.

 

[JanD]

Oh Dear! You have got a downer on yourself for picking at a few things haven't you??!! Okay - you didn't need them, okay you wish you hadn't had them, okay you don't understand why you couldn't get a grip ..... none of those things make you a bad person you know! In fact I'd say your fairly representative of most, if not all of us trying to get this eating lark to some sort of 'normality' - whatever that is.

That's one of the evils of calorie counting imho - making the total up by having things you don't really need - and that can start off quite unconsciously.

Give yourself a break - you've come a long long way and only been eating again for a couple of weeks. It's bound to happen, in fact it's only by these challenges that we can learn what triggers us off, what works best for us, etc. I'm 6 months down the line and only just beginning to see that maybe I can maintain in a more 'normal' way than the stuffing and starving cycle I felt I was in for a while. But I'm still not sure. I'm feeling pretty stuffed after my big roast today - and i had extra with getting up early so I'm not really looking forward to weighing tomorrow but it's gotta be done and whatever it is I'll learn from it.

Don't beat yourself up - there's enough people out there willing to do that for you! xx

 

[anne-mariep]

Oh Dear! You have got a downer on yourself for picking at a few things haven't you??!! Okay - you didn't need them, okay you wish you hadn't had them, okay you don't understand why you couldn't get a grip ..... none of those things make you a bad person you know! In fact I'd say your fairly representative of most, if not all of us trying to get this eating lark to some sort of 'normality' - whatever that is.

That's one of the evils of calorie counting imho - making the total up by having things you don't really need - and that can start off quite unconsciously.

Give yourself a break - you've come a long long way and only been eating again for a couple of weeks. It's bound to happen, in fact it's only by these challenges that we can learn what triggers us off, what works best for us, etc. I'm 6 months down the line and only just beginning to see that maybe I can maintain in a more 'normal' way than the stuffing and starving cycle I felt I was in for a while. But I'm still not sure. I'm feeling pretty stuffed after my big roast today - and i had extra with getting up early so I'm not really looking forward to weighing tomorrow but it's gotta be done and whatever it is I'll learn from it.

Don't beat yourself up - there's enough people out there willing to do that for you! xx

Thanks I wish I could say it got better but I had the worst day so far I ate 4 fruit scones with jam right after one another, I absolutely hate myself after it i didnt even do that before i started the diet i even went and got a smoke (i hate the smell everything about them thats why i done it to punish myself) I have got my TOTM again third time in 2 and a half weeks and this time its coming with all the lovelies that I havnt had in ages coz ive been on the pill; back pain, stomach pain, cravings feeling like crying etc etc. I came home and burst into tears when I seen my mam and she said you need to stop punishing yourself for Friday and it hit me thats what I'm doing self sabotage AGAIN what the hell is wrong with me. I am terrified that I'm gonna put back on all the weight (I WILL NOT PUT BACK ON ALL THE WEIGHT SO HELP ME) but i still can't stop myself even when i feel like getting sick i still can't stop. I even went and tried to make myself sick. I was looking in the mirror telling myself I was stupid lalalalala!

I knew this would be hard but i'm crashing into walls everywhere now and just don't know what to do I feel like i've no control.

I'm SO SORRY about this I wish I could be strong and just be good at this but I keep falling short.

Oh well, I'm just hoping tomorrow will be better. I really need to put the last few days in the past or ill never make it threw christmas next week. God next week dats scary. haha! Must start shopping tomorrow.

I really hope my moaning isn't too annoying i'm just struggling at the moment and i guess it helps to air it on here even if no one reads it it still helps me!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[anne-mariep]

Ok just gonna post yesterday's and todays food. Hate that Ive done it but can't erase it.

Monday
B-Porridge with 100ml of skimmed milk.
L- Beef & Veg Soupful
D- Uncle made bolognase with lean mince (I did see him fry it thou, im hoping it was in its own juices but doubtful, only had a tiny bit of the meat and bought some wholewheat pasta)
ok so I didnt have enough at dinner so ended up going the shop and buying some wholewheat bread with pumpkin seed & linseed I think and some lean chicken and a fruit scone (silly). also had a tiny green apple.

Oh yes nearly forgot had a little less than half of a snickers bar.

Tuesday
B-porridge with 100ml skimmed milk.
fruit scone in work
@11 2 slices of yesterdays bread with 2 slices chicken (carb frenzy started by now)
L- tiny bit of chicken noodle soup, curly wurly, 4 scones with WW strawberry jam. Yes thats 5 scones today.

nothing since my binge afraid to eat anything getting a little hungry but can't be sure so gonna go to bed really early, im wrecked anyway lovely 4 year old cousin woke me @ half four to come in the bed with me yeah didnt sleep much after that.

Sticking to 3 meals tomorrow lets hope it goes better. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[JanD]

You're so right about punishing yourself - I was thinking that before I read that your Mum had said it .... must be a mum thing

Believe me I know how hard it is but you're absolutley right to post about it and get it all out. Being secretive will only add to the problems, and also PLEEEEEEASE don't go down the road of making yourself sick - that can become a habit and then addictive too. It really is easiest not to start!

Your head WILL get back into the right space as long as you don't give up. You WILL find your levels - again as long as you don't give up. You'll begin to recognise your patterns and see that what you do one day doesn't necessarily have to be disaster - it's one day and even if it becomes 2 or 3, it's not the rest of your life! It may take a little longer than you hope - I'm on 6 months don't forget - but it's got to be worth it.
TOTM isn't helping I know but as I've said elsewhere - hang on in there girl!! ***hugs*** xx

 

[anne-mariep]

You're so right about punishing yourself - I was thinking that before I read that your Mum had said it .... must be a mum thing

Believe me I know how hard it is but you're absolutley right to post about it and get it all out. Being secretive will only add to the problems, and also PLEEEEEEASE don't go down the road of making yourself sick - that can become a habit and then addictive too. It really is easiest not to start!

Your head WILL get back into the right space as long as you don't give up. You WILL find your levels - again as long as you don't give up. You'll begin to recognise your patterns and see that what you do one day doesn't necessarily have to be disaster - it's one day and even if it becomes 2 or 3, it's not the rest of your life! It may take a little longer than you hope - I'm on 6 months don't forget - but it's got to be worth it.
TOTM isn't helping I know but as I've said elsewhere - hang on in there girl!! ***hugs*** xx

ALL I CAN AND NEED TO SAY IS THANK YOU! yeah i never want to make myself sick and i did stop (after a few tries but still).

There's no alternative than keep trying to find a balance, I will just gonna be a struggle til the end. xxxxxxxxx Thanks again,
your an Angel.

 

[JanD]

Try not to think of it as a struggle if you can possibly manage it. That has really negative connotations and why would we want to carry on doing something we feel is negative?
If you can turn your thoughts around - when you find yourself thinking of the 'struggle' turn it into 'a positive learning experience'. The more often things happen the faster we can learn about ourselves and our particular 'triggers', 'patterns' whatever you want to call them and we're that much closer to our ultimate goal. Every perceived negative has a positive side - try to find that each time you feel a negative and you'll come out of it much quicker and having learned something.

AND you have my full permission to copy this into a reply to me next time I have a moan about myself xx

 

[anne-mariep]

Ok so unfortunately another bad bad day. As soon as I eat I can't stop today we had a birthday in work which means cake. I had 4 bits, 3 in secret in the kitchen on my own i might add oh dat was after i had a scone (last one and 2 slices of bread with jam). In the last half an hour ive eaten salmon fillet, leg of chicken with raisin stuffing, 1 fig roll (took out 3 put 2 back) 2 alpen bars, packet of snack a jacks and 2 handfuls of mixed fruit & nuts. I'm not even hungry. oh dat doesn't include the porridge & raisins I had this morning plus 2 apples, a satsuma, a banana, 2 ryvita's and pasta with small bit of chicken in tomato sauce bought in salad bar in shop. and handful of popcorn.

I bought tablets today that are meant to suppress your appetite (not my appetite thats the problem but might help) and tomorrow I am gonna try do the 2 maintenance products 1 meal plan. I'm not going into any more shops and I am putting all my nice stuff into a bag away from me. I have no control at the moment so best thing to do instead of making myself sick everyday(by eating all this crap) is to get back control the only way I can think of.

I am sick of eating crap I would rather eat more calories if the food is healthy dats what I'm realising (positive note Jan) calories aren't as important as choosing the right things some healthy stuff as loads of calories but they are good calories unlike scones and chocolate cake and crisps and basically everything I've eaten in the last few days.

Jan im sorry I sounded so negative I believe in looking at the positive too but lately its been harder just goin through a tough time but I will get threw it.

I went for a 50 mins jog/walk this evening- should have went to bed instead of eating after that. haha! Lesson learnt.

* another alpen bar
* 6 bits of dark chocolate
* small bag of jellies

 

[JanD]

You're still having the exercise which is good .... you're right - you WILL get through this! xx

 

[anne-mariep]

I was insane this morning got up at 6 and brought the dog for a walk (my mam was SO WORRIED) while I was on the walk I realised i was insane and decided I needed to see the doctor so I called in sick to work I felt sick too from my pig antics last night.

Of course then I convinced myself I could do this without the doctor then after another munch munch this morning i decided I had to go to the doctor, for me enough was enough and guess what i actually have something wrong with me i'm not just a pig i'm a pig with a hormone problem which is making my brain work funny. Hahaha! The doctor explained it very well anyway. Something to do with my pill. So i'm on tablets (anti-depressants as far as the label is concerned ) must ring the doctor on Tues and if i still feel bad im going to a higher dose. Will be on them for a few months to get everything back in order.

Food today no real set thing coz i'm still insane haha!

45g porridge with raisins and skimmed milk. banana. maintenance bar, 4 light(like it makes a difference wen you have four haha) rich tea biscuits, slice of christmas cake(the fruit one, no icing). 100g of mixed fruit & nuts.

Actually made dinner - chicken stir fry with noodles. mixed fruit & nuts. some raw carrots.

I'm praying the tablets work fast as I'm going drinking tomorrow and wud rather not cry. haha!

 

[JanD]

I'm really glad you're feeling better about stuff now. I don't want to be a kill-joy but do check the info leaflet with your tablets - you may have to avoid alcohol. You may not but best check xx

 

[summergurl]

Ahhh am!! :hug99:

Yup Jan is right, if they are anti-depressants im 99% sure you are not allowed alcohol with them.

 

[anne-mariep]

Oh I checked the leaflet, alcohol is not mentioned. It just says don't drive until you know how they effect you but i won't be driving so its ok. Doctor didn't mention alcohol either and they usually do when your not allowed it.

 

[JanD]

If they say don't drive it's likely you may find yourself under the table after 1 or 2 so please be careful .... but enjoy yourself!! xx

 

[anne-mariep]

Hello everyone. Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year to everyone.

So unfortunately with my hormones out of wack i was so down that i really couldnt even bring myself onto this forum which i totally regret as ive been reading all of your diaries and realised that I wasn't the only one going through the same kinds of struggles.

My computer has been off since christmas day and its like it was my enemy I know it sounds nutty. I've gained over a stone since refeeding anyway and i'm still testing out different tablets to get my mind back to normal. I've decided to go back on TFR as everyday i wake up and try so hard to control myself and i end up failing. which only makes me feel worse. With TFR i gained a sense of control which ive never known before and i tink i need this again.

I wish i had of had the courage to come on here and talk about my problems but it was just so hard to put into words; it still is it was like i was outside my body watching this nut eating and eating but i had the stomach aches after. It is getting easier i dont eat as much crap as before but still to much.

Will be starting as soon as i can must discuss it with my doctor first as don't know how the tablets will react. anyway sorry i havnt been on much and i hope you are all doing good. xxxxx

 

[JanD]

As you say we've all been going through it in one way or another. It's up to you whether you come and share your struggles on here but I must say - difficult though it is sometimes, I found - and am finding it really useful and helpful. Apart from anything else I think it helps clarify things in your own mind.
I don't think this part of the forum was set up with the idea we'd all be coming on saying how easy it is and how we're eating everything we fancy and staying the same weight (I wish!)

If I were you I'd make use of the tool if you can - but we're all different I know.

Good luck to you anyway! xx

 

[anne-mariep]

Thanks Jan I guess I didnt come on coz i didnt wanna face the fact that ive failed myself. didnt want to admit it. I also felt like no one cud understand how i was feeling i feel silly now coz after reading people's diaries i now know im not alone. silly me!

 

[summergurl]

Anne marie - you havnt failed yourself at all!
So what - you've put some weight back on! Im sure most people put a bit back on - its not an easy process this maintainence malarky. But i am with Jan, as much as it might seem a little 'silly' comeing on here recording food if you so wish but talking about how you feel etc really does help. And hey - virtual hugs are fab!! :hug99:

But don't ever feel like a failure - cuz your not xxx

 

[irish molly]

AnneMarie,it's great to see you on the forum again. Poor pet, you have been having a tough old time of it. Give yourself a chance and do not be so hard on yourself. You have done so well on LT and have been a great support to everyone on the forum. So, you have gained a bit again but you had a lot going on so you are not a failure. We are all mere mortals and have to cope as best we can. Superheros are only in the movies!!!
Your health is the most important thing and the doc will let you know if it is a good idea to do TFR again. Don't be a stranger on the forum. There is lots of support here for you.