Hello everyone. Or me. Or whoever ends up reading this. I'm starting again. I will just say this up front because for some reason it makes me think that I don't deserve to write or say anything. This is all probably part of the problem, so I'm overruling my typical thoughts and just going for it anyway. I did LighterLife Lite when I was 12.9. I remember feeling like a total pig back then - a bloater. Now I look on those photos and clothes with fond memories, oh to be so slim again, I think. I was really successful and went to 10.12 in 7 weeks. Then I went crazy and ate. Then I just could never get back on track. I eventually stopped returning my counsellor's calls and emails and now I start afresh at 14.12. I've tried WW (hiss boo!) since March but it doesn't help me control the love I have for food, food to cancel out everything. It's weird, the few months after I finished LighterLife I got a promotion, got engaged, went to New York with work, bought our first home...then by around September 2011 my luck turned. I was signed off work with stress for three weeks. My Gran had a stroke on the day we moved, and never returned from hospital, passing away at Christmas. I was involved in a harrassment case at work, that spanned through until January 2012. My cat went missing, and was found three months later dead in my neighbour's back garden. My best friend decided she hated me and asked me never to speak to her again. Basically, the last few months have sucked. I'm listing this all out because I want to be clear that stuff happens, and that coming home and opening the fridge door immediately, and then thinking that a takeaway or 'munch night' will make it all better hasn't worked. What it has done is made me dwell on everything, but not deal with it. Victim mentality. Not only did lots of not nice things happen, but I now feel absolutely disgusted with myself. I'm tired of being tired, and aching, and realising that the reason I'm not wearing smart clothes to work is because I don't have any that fit. I'm tired of going out to buy a pair of cheap trousers in an 18 only to return home and not be able to get them on. I'm tired of the little comments, from loved-ones, friends, work colleagues, because I look so different now. I blamed LighterLife for a long time for this weight gain. I blamed the 'harshness' of the counselling and the strict regime for the back lash into over-eating, and worse than ever before. But I realise now, it wasn't LighterLife, it was me. I mean, 8 weeks of the programme isn't that long! What I was doing was bingeing and anaesthetising the pain and misery of all the things that were happening. Wanting to hide. What's the easiest way to hide? To get fat. No - I don't want to go out, no - I don't want to be sociable, I'm fat and would like to sit and dwell on that whilst eating so I can be more ashamed. I revelled a little in the fact that my parents (I'm an only child, they're a big deal) were a bit worried about my weight. That they wanted to focus on the issue. I think I also wanted that guaranteed attention if I'm honest. 'Oh look, darling girl has an issue, let's help', what a quick way to get some love! The wedding approaches in August 2013. Last week I emailed my counsellor and went the very next day to start again. I'm on Total this time due to my BMI. I was so nervous walking in the door that I felt I had a job interview, but it felt right. In fact, before I went I had planned to wait until Sunday to start the plan. I have a friend visiting and a birthday meal out with another. I felt so switched on when I finished the session that I started the very next day. I just want to strike while the iron is hot and make something of this motivation. It feels so right at the moment that day 1 and 2 have passed with no issues at all. In fact, I'm hyper today (day 2) and can barely contain myself for clearning things and doing things and finding blogs and wedding ideas. I'll talk more at some point about my horrific experiences in the wedding dress shops. Another kick up the bum to get me to take charge of my life again. I'm not really as negative as all of this sounds. I am feeling very good about everything. Scared to failed perhaps. But otherwise happy to be doing this. I just wanted to start at the start and see how I go from there.