Here I am, beginning at the beginning again.
I'm slightly concerned that even with a dress fitting looming, now in 4 weeks, it hasn't stopped my compulsive need to eat. Having lost 10lbs I have managed to do LL all day and then binge at night. I worry about this constantly and can't sleep for the thoughts buzzing around my brain about how on earth I'm going to cope with not fitting in to my dress. But still, I'm not taking it seriously. Is it just that I can't cope with losing weight, the weddign nerves, the wedding stress (have found planning a very stressful affair), the possibility of redundancy announced end of this month. Basically, the idea of everyone looking at me is scaring me. It's why my OH is the loud one, I hate that I have to take the limelight. But would I feel this way if I was slim? Why won't I even give myself a chance to find out. This is the simplest and most effective diet that's worked for me, so how can it be that I am incapable of doing it, with so much pressure to achieve I should be on it with no doubts.
I kinda wish we weren't getting married this way, and we'd just done it alone and privately. It seems to have turned into a monsterous affair about everyone else and not us. I hate it. I hate the idea of being away from my OH the night before due to some tradition, when we've lived together for years. I hate that I won't have him for support. I don't do girly and show-off well at all and this whole thing is becoming a nightmare. I hate myself for being so angry about the whole thing. I can only assume that it's just because i am embarrassed to be a fat bride. But then the circle comes back around of why can't I just make the change that I set out to make. I feel so pressured by everything. Bad day obviously.