Well well, Skinny, I am so proud of you. But a little worried too. We need to find you a new regime to stick to, it's obvious you work VERY well when told exactly what to do so now we find a food version of that and wean you over. Oh to have your dedication and focus. Well, that is what I am going to do - act as if I'm you for the next 10 weeks.
Day 2: the restart is restarted. Again. And I will keep trying again and again until I get back on it. Fate converged over this last week to teach me a lesson. Skinny gave me a talking to, my Mum called to find out how I am doing, my best friend drove to see me and is coming with my other bridesmaid to see me try to choose between two favourite dresses this Weds, my counsellor text me about how I'm doing, to pep me up, my partner has decided he's doing a diet to get ready for the wedding, the person that got me into LL (5 stone off in 15 weeks, three years ago, never back on) called to see how I'm doing. All in all it was one of those weekends where you have a lot of time to think and realise how annoyed you are that you're not giving those lovely regular updates about how much you've lost. And that's not what I want.
Was talking with counsellor about how the moment I finished dress shopping I went and got lunch with my mum. Real food lunch, and have found it hard from there. I thought it was due to 'celebrations' being 'foody' for me. As we chatted she came up with a much more plausible theory - I wasn't tiny, they still had to elastic band me in, and so i just went 'meh, tried, not good enough, not there yet, can't be bothered to try'. And I think that's spot on. I felt beautiful, but I was still a fat girl, in spanx, being wedged in. And yes I tell myself that's normal for the majority trying on sample dresses, but if I'd been a size 12 or 10 that would not have happened in the same way at all. Most of the dresses were 12s or 14s, so... yeah.
So here I go again. i can't promise you that I won't muck up, or fall off. I'm not promising anything but that yesterday was 100% and today I aim to do the same. And then again tomorrow. When I first started this that's all i had in my mind for the first two weeks. I sulked, and raged, and went to bed early, but by week 3 with 16lbs off it all started to become worth it and I never deviated. Ever. So, by working day by day I'm going ot accumulate them to weeks until I get where I want to be and need to be for my own sanity. I don't want to be scared to face my group, or my counsellor, or worry about failing.
Another friend noted that I'm quite a perfectionist and very strong at lots of things (that's nice huh?) but her take on it is that my one massive area of weakness is about food. I worked hard to get all my qualifications and my promotions and everything I have, which is all wonderful, but i can be 'strong' at those. What I need to do now is take something I'm not so good at and work on it in the same perfectionist no-holds-barred way, even if it means working against one of my weaknesses and confronting it.
I do want to know that on 24 August this year my dress is perfectly made to match my body and that it's in the best shape it's ever been.
I do want to be confident and self-assured in all aspects of my life, body and mind.
I do want to be a different kind of woman - one who has looked after herself.
I do want to enjoy life without hiding behind big clothes, or trying not to cry every time a social event comes up.
I do want to KNOW I am beautiful without wearing my OH down fishing for little compliments all the time.
I do want to go on our activity honeymoon and cycle, climb, canoe, dance, run, without being disgusted at myself (as I was last year).
I do want photos that go on forever of me looking young and fresh and slender.
I do.
