Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

[cah-ching]

*****Sorry FFnF*****

FAO - cazmaz_irl,

Hi CahChing, I didn't actually say anything about Mr K,,Jennie doesn't deserve to have her heart broken, and seen as none of us have met Mr K i don't believe any of us can actually distinguish or pass comment on him either way.

you don't deserve to be treated like this

You didn't mention Mr. K, but the inference was there - after all you weren't referring to anything other than what she has posted today so how can it not be about Mr. K?!
FFnF made it very clear that this was a decision SHE came to and felt SHE had to undertake and HE begged her not to, but her selflessness and deeper spirit told her it was for the best right now. The circumstances were such that it was necessary.

No one deserves to have their heart broken however no one has broken anyone's heart in this. It is just circumstance that is the heart breaker not the two parties involved. Read the title of the thread please.

i don't believe any of us can actually distinguish or pass comment on him either way

There are people who who have commented on this very thread who have never met either FFnF nor Mr.K. Secondly, my comments regarding Mr.K are based on what I've read. However your inference is based on ....?

I think FFnF is a fantastic person and kind and warm hearted. However as a friend, we do her no favours by black-balling Mr. K - someone she still clearly cares about and who cares immensely about her.


Sorry, sorry, sorry. FFnF I'm really sorry. I feel for ya honey and I don't want this to turn into a Mr.K bashing party either as I know you still care for him.

I won't say another word.

Take Care ...

CC xxxxx

 

[kati]

Jennie I'm so sorry you've been so hurt. You're very brave to be doing what you think is for the best even though it is hurting so much

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Please, CC & Caz,I understand both of your points of view but you need to please stop this. Do it in PM if you want to, don't fall out over this. I love you guys and know and understand your reasons for saying what you are.

Thank you for being here for me. Love you both.
xxxx

 

[cazmaz_irl]

Your right CC,,,this is Jennies thread so we shouldn't hi jack it.

In my world we're all entitled to our opinions and they don't always have to match to get along.

Jennie is also a pal of mine and Jennie if you have a problem with how I spoke about my feelings then let me know, but CC if you have anything else to say, I'd prefer that we take it off Jennies thread. nfo

 

[KittyB]

(((((Jennie)))))

I can imagine what a heart wrenching decision this has been for you. Thinking about you.
Take care of yourself

Love Kitty xxxx

 

[maisie]

thinking about you x x x

luv
Maisie x x

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

It's Thursday. I am sitting at my desk at work and just can't seem to get into work mode at all. Struggled to get out of bed this morning. Am sticking to the diet but don't even want that. Would be happy to curl up in the corner and sleep for a month then when I wake maybe this nightmare would be over and all would be as it was, I would wake up and find Mr K smiling at me and none of this would have happened. But I know that's not going to happen. Even in all this I can (at times) be a realist.

Sorry. This is why I shouldn't be writing my diary at the moment. I think I am going mad. I know I'm not, but I think I am. God,I'm not even making any sense (no change there I can hear the collective cry).

Even though I know this is the right thing, even though I know I had to do it, even though I know the hurt will end, even though I know, in the long run, this time will become a memory, even though so many things... yet it still feels like someone has reached down my throat and grabbed the very base of my being and wrenched it out, thrown it on the ground and fed it to a pack of wolves. (bloody hell - talk about melodrama!! )

'Tis true though.

Have managed not to cry for almost a whole hour now. So clearly doing a bit better than yesterday (apologies to those who rang/msn'd me). I look like a big bag of sh1te - eyes like pi$$holes in the snow.. and with space underneath to pack for a months trekking in the Andes.. (or an elephant safari....):sigh:

Made the mistake of texting Mr K this morning.. instant regret. Wounds widened, plate cracking. Poor love. I feel for him so. :cry: Am resolved not to text again. Deleted his number then put it back in again. Not ready to do that yet. Daft.

Boss just been in, was lovely to me. Crying again now alone here.. pathetic.:cry: Why does love have to hurt so damn much. Last time I felt like this was when my husband left me and this is so different a situation. Can't believe how bad it all feels. Sorry. Will shut up now. I'm ok on other threads. Must be compartmentalising it all I guess. Dunno. Maybe I can pretend it all hasn't happened, but to deny him is to deny how he made me feel, how I know I made him feel too. I can't do that. I hope he's ok.

Need some paracetomol.. but not got any. Need some sleep. Need his arms around me again... :cry: :cry:

I can get the tablets and, soon, sleep will come.

Right Jennie - pull yourself together. Big sniffs and stick some music on the pc and get stuck in to some boring drivel that will help to take your mind off this!

Oh, found 'The Woodshed Boys' by the Duncan McFarlane Band - folk rock at its best! Can't play it too loud as playgroup t'other side of partition wall... but loud enough to crowd out thoughts.

Other news - sorry, been so damn self-focussed...

Sister - been on phone lots, she's a lot better. Have done lots more investigating and should have some answers later today about what's truth and what's fantasy. She sounds so much better I am glad I didn't go. She's booking us into self-catering acc. for our holiday so I can be in control of food. She says we will have the best time together and I am trying hard to believe her. I am so glad she changed her mind. It gives me something to look forward to. Although it will be tinged with the thoughts that Mr K was considering joining me out there. (catch myself) . It will be a great holiday though and she is hiring a car for the entire holiday. So.. only a few more months.. (might do a countdown for it).. and hopefully a few more stones off and will feel a lot happier by then.

She is more in control of her feelings now. I didn't like to tell her about me and Mr K but she could tell something was wrong and I told her.. I blubbed for ages... not fair on her at all but I just broke. Can't stay strong all the time any more.. wish I could. Anyway. Looking forward to seeing her next week when she comes home.

Mum - rang me in tears this morning. Stepdad ill again and now coughing so hard she is afraid he will have another stroke, and he is coughing blood now.. he's distressed too (alzheimers) and is confused. So Dr been called out. I think the blood will be a torn something or other as he is coughing so hard. He is also just completing a course of antibiotics for an eye and chest infection. Plus problems with his feet. I guess, at his age (88) and with his health that we can't expect much more than this, but even so, poor mum. She's only 4ft something and is 71 , bless her, I don't think she can do this much longer... She's a lot happier about my sis though, so that's something positive.

Home - I have some worries about Zoe's health. Will share more later. Suffice it to say, I am hoping she's ok but will find out later today.

Can't face the gym today. Just too too tired. I don't want to break the exercise thing so will probably take the dog out later, but quite honestly, I think I would pass out if I went to the gym. I am so dizzy these days too. Just too much going on 'upstairs' I guess. It will all level off though. I know that.

Time IS a healer. Thank goodness.

Right.. well, for one who wasn't going to say anything on here, I guess I've rambled on just like I usually do. Sorry.

Will hopefully not be such a sad sack soon. xxxx

 

[flirty40greeneyes]

Jenni - just to say this is your diary - so you post on it what you want .... even if your thoughts are jumbled.

There are no words to help you through this - but hopefully your family and friends will , and we will all be here for you too when you want to come on Minimins.

You are having so many traumas at once with Mr K, your sister, your step-father and Zowie. I am amazed and inspired that you can still think about the diet .... stress and trauma always means mine goes straight out the window. So you are strong and resilent and will come out of this the other side ... very much slimmer.

Take care of yourself - go get some headache tablets and treat yourself very gently.

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Jenni - just to say this is your diary - so you post on it what you want .... even if your thoughts are jumbled.

There are no words to help you through this - but hopefully your family and friends will , and we will all be here for you too when you want to come on Minimins.

You are having so many traumas at once with Mr K, your sister, your step-father and Zowie. I am amazed and inspired that you can still think about the diet .... stress and trauma always means mine goes straight out the window. So you are strong and resilent and will come out of this the other side ... very much slimmer.

Take care of yourself - go get some headache tablets and treat yourself very gently.

Bless you.

The one and only thing I have any real control over in my life is the diet. I cannot let anything get me off course. I have come too far. I know I am changing and have changed a lot. One of the biggest changes is that I am not turning to food as a comfort. I can hardly believe it. But there it is. In some ways (perversely perhaps) I wish I could. But too, am glad I'm not. Food has been so destructive for me in the past. I want to eat to live not live to eat.

To be honest, this level of emotional upheaval is only the second time in my life that I have not wanted food. The last time was when husband left me.

That said.. perhaps some pickled onions might be therapeutic lol - gosh did I really say that? ahhh... humour still here somewhere - thank you Lord! (so glad I have HIM as a constant in my life).

Going home in a moment. No point being here.

Thanks Bev, I feel so inadequate and pathetically muddled up right now. So.. with your (and everyone else's) forebearance I might add the odd rambling nonsensical drivel until 'normal service is resumed' - whenever and if-ever that happens!

 

[sonkie]

Jennie (((((((((((big hug)))))))))))) from Sonya, you have been so supportive of me through my sadness about Wayne and I wish I could help you too......! Take care hun xxx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Icing on the cake - today is ex-hubby's 40th birthday and the day his 'first' baby is due:sigh: (or satans spawn as my Zoe calls it! - gotta love her!)

Off home now.

 

[flirty40greeneyes]

Never rains but it pours eh??

Go home Jenni, take a couple of headache tablets, try to sleep and if not indulge yourself in doing something you want to do that comforts you in some way.

Hope tomorrow is slightly better day for you.

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

It's a conspiracy!

Never rains but it pours eh??

So very true......

I decided to come home via Asda (thought - despite current finances - a bit of retail therapy was in order) bought new gym trousers (old ones are a size 28 and very difficult to keep up).. and new gym top..(one I wear slips down too far at the front when rowing and bra, whilst lovely, is on public display)... a new cardi and a new smart-ish top for the evenings. They're nice and all 20's so am pleased with that. BUT... as I walked around the store they were playing 'Eternal Flame' .. that is the song we (ex-hub and me) had sung at our wedding.. so you can imagine.. :tear_drop:

In fact, all I hear at the moment are blooming love songs... and songs about splitting up... I know that there's loads of other stuff played and it's just that I am more sensitive to it but it's a bit like, when you want a baby - all you see are pregnant women - know what I mean?

PLUS - TOTM has arrived - over a week early! (that would partially explain headache and lack of energy and extreme emotions)....

still... picked up an application form for an evening job at Asda (only £5 something an hour, but it will have to do as an interim)... and bought a new toothbrush for myself. Also some deep conditioning hair stuff (reckon a deep hot bubble bath might be in order this evening and treat my hair to some tlc).

Mum hasn't rung back yet so am guessing Dr hasn't been. Oh, meant to say, she's (mum) rejoined weightwatchers. She decided that it was time as she had regained a stone and my loss has given her a shove! How cool is that! I'm really pleased for her, she lost 5 stone with them before and looks fantastic. I knew she was worried about putting it on but she still looks great to me. but, she says her clothes are all getting too small so she needs to lose that stone again as she refuses to buy any new ones. She'll do it too!

I forgot (until I looked in diary) I have appt with the nurse today - must remember to tell her about dizzy spells.. and current state of affairs (unfortunate choice of words perhaps... )

Whilst in Asda I did venture down the pickle aisle but couldn't see what I wanted ... no jars labelled 'Happiness' there... so left well alone.

Made some tentative decisions about some things and will act on them soon. Also bought the jobs paper and will scour that. Going to phone the recruitment agency as still not heard about that interview (but my phone has been very busy lately).

Wish I knew if Mr K was alright. I know he, like me, will be, some time. Just, well, y'know. Wondering...

No word from my sister - am working on the basis now that no news is good news...

Zoe - not home from her boyfriend's yet so don't know if she's ok healthwise....

GOing to have some spicy tomato soup now and some water (hardly drunk a damn thing today)...and curl up on sofa with the dog, a duvet and the remote control. Setting alarm on phone for 4 so don't miss appt with nurse at 4.30

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

talk about tempt fate - sis just rang, she got an email from the liar - best yet though - he signed it with a different name to the one he uses!!! The plot thickens! Also - when on phone to him yesterday he said his little girl was in a specific hospital and when pushed for the name of the ward he said she was in a private ward so if she rang they wouldn't say she was there.. LOL absolute bow lacks!! Private wards have names too.. and.. if she was critically ill with water on the brain then she would be in ICU and, to my knowledge, ICU is ICU.. all are the same in there! He is (apparantly) adamant that he will meet her at the airport, complete with engagement ring.. (yeah - right... what's the odds of a traffic jam, a car crash, his daughter's sudden decline???) hmmm.. he still hasn't paid her money into the bank (despite supposedly working there!!).. so.. methinks the boys in blue will be doing some research when she returns and I hope she goes to them too!

So.. my fight is returning somewhat as this has got me riled up again.. but my head is still throbbing so... the soup is yummy and comfortingly warming. The dog got excited when I suggested we might go out later.. and whimpered when he saw me crying.. (can animals empathise or was he sad coz he thought I might not take him out? ) ... hmm..

positive news - my washing machine is fixed (there was a broken bra wire in the pump!) thankfully Zoe was home on Weds when repair man showed up and she was the one doing the blushing...

 

[MandyB2]

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you Jennie and sending you los of love and big cyber (((HUGS)))).. I'm noy in a good place right now myself... but I know I won't feel like this forever... just one day at a time eh honey??? we will get our heads sorted.. Im sure of it

All my love as always xxxxxxx

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you Jennie and sending you los of love and big cyber (((HUGS)))).. I'm noy in a good place right now myself... but I know I won't feel like this forever... just one day at a time eh honey??? we will get our heads sorted.. Im sure of it

All my love as always xxxxxxx

Hi Mandy, I'm so sorry you are going through stuff too. I hope that things improve for you and very very very soon.
A day at a time is the only way right now I think..yes, we'll get our heads sorted.. I'm really sorry, I've been so full of self-pity these last couple of days. Really hope you are ok and that you find yourself in a better place really soon. Thanks for being so thoughtful when things are so hard for you. ((((hugs)))) xxx

 

[Kath]

I have no wise words to add but wanted you to know I do feel for you and sending you a hug ((((())))))

 

[westiegirl]

In fact, all I hear at the moment are blooming love songs... and songs about splitting up... I know that there's loads of other stuff played and it's just that I am more sensitive to it but it's a bit like, when you want a baby - all you see are pregnant women - know what I mean?

That is so true. When I split with ex, I had to switch the radio off for weeks because I would just burst into tears everytime I heard a song that was written especially for me.

PLUS - TOTM has arrived - over a week early! (that would partially explain headache and lack of energy and extreme emotions)....

Stress has probably brought it on - so much going on for you it's not a surprise.

I forgot (until I looked in diary) I have appt with the nurse today - must remember to tell her about dizzy spells.. and current state of affairs (unfortunate choice of words perhaps... )

I had mega dizzy spells when I was SSing last year, in fact I got out of bed one morning and next thing I remember is lying on the floor having fainted. I went to the doctor who sent me for blood tests. They could find nothing wrong and I think it was just down to SSing and my blood pressure dropping. The dizzy spells stopped when I went back to food. In fact just recently after only 20 days back on SS I was starting to get dizzy spells again. I take it as just a fact of SSing life and just make sure I take things easy and don't get up too quickly. Personally I thought the benefits (health wise) out weighed the risks. There are so many risks for being overweight anyway that I decided to continue.

Finally just want to say I still thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs.

 

[FatFairNForty(ish)]

thanks Sarah

Had my BP checked and all's ok, she just said that I need to not get up too quickly.

I told her about this week and she was lovely. Also found out what vaccinations I need for my holiday - flippin loads! Typhoid.. Yellow Fever (possibly)... Hep something or other.. I'm really hoping that the injections I had when we all went to Turkey in 2003 will have been enough! (I hate injections - almost faint at the sight of a needle!). Big woosie!

Sis rang (again).. she's a lot happier now.

I rang mum and stepdad is ok, chest infection cleared up and Doc has prescribed some cough linctus., so, hopefully, mum should get a decent night's sleep tonight.

More good news - Zoe is fine. I was worried that she might be pregnant. She isn't. I bought a test for her and she did it earlier this evening. So that's a massive relief too. She kept saying that she wasn't pregnant, just fat.. lol.. so we danced around the kitchen with her singing (to the tune of 'Horny horny horny'.. "I'm so chubby, chubby. chubby, chubby" So I apologised to her, but she does look preg and she has been ill this week.. even her boyfriend said the same to her (without knowing my thoughts!). So.. diet now for her! My fault for feeding her up so much lately. I keep cooking stuff for her that I would love to eat - but also, she has been having a LOT of takeaways. (Not bought by me).. well.. apart from the odd MaccyD...

So.. diet being planned and shopping list drafted!

Mr K has been in touch too to let me know he is ok (ish).. bless him. He wants us to stay in contact as friends.. if I can cope with that then it is what we shall do. So, I feel a bit better to hear how he is doing.

As for me... I just want to go to sleep and am thinking I might just run a bath, switch on me blanky and go to bed then get up early in the morning and go to work early to make up for doing sod all today. Just so not motivated.

Listening to Bob Harris on Radio 2 at the moment.. love his show. I know if I was to go to bed now I would fall asleep in seconds listening to the show but I'd really like to see Bonkers tonight.

Still... maybe the sleep is more beneficial than the laughter..

 

[cah-ching]

thanks Sarah

I rang mum and stepdad is ok, chest infection cleared up and Doc has prescribed some cough linctus., so, hopefully, mum should get a decent night's sleep tonight.

More good news - Zoe is fine. I was worried that she might be pregnant. She isn't. I bought a test for her and she did it earlier this evening. So that's a massive relief too. She kept saying that she wasn't pregnant, just fat.. lol.. so we danced around the kitchen with her singing (to the tune of 'Horny horny horny'.. "I'm so chubby, chubby. chubby, chubby" So I apologised to her, but she does look preg and she has been ill this week.. even her boyfriend said the same to her (without knowing my thoughts!). So.. diet now for her! My fault for feeding her up so much lately. I keep cooking stuff for her that I would love to eat - but also, she has been having a LOT of takeaways. (Not bought by me).. well.. apart from the odd MaccyD...

So.. diet being planned and shopping list drafted!

Mr K has been in touch too to let me know he is ok (ish).. bless him. He wants us to stay in contact as friends.. if I can cope with that then it is what we shall do. So, I feel a bit better to hear how he is doing.

As for me... I just want to go to sleep and am thinking I might just run a bath, switch on me blanky and go to bed then get up early in the morning and go to work early to make up for doing sod all today. Just so not motivated.

Listening to Bob Harris on Radio 2 at the moment.. love his show. I know if I was to go to bed now I would fall asleep in seconds listening to the show but I'd really like to see Bonkers tonight.

Still... maybe the sleep is more beneficial than the laughter..

I hadn't realised there were so many injections needed to go to the Caribbean. Food for thought as people I know who go there don't get any vaccinations done.

I had a feeling Mr. K and yourself would remain in contact, even if you were just friends. I 'm really plesed this has happened. I'm not hoping for any more for you. I've said this countless times, all relationships in life are organic, so what will be will be. You're both good people and thats why I'm pleased.

Very pleased to hear you aren't going to be a grandmother yet. You're too mad and funky for granniehood.

Laughter is good. Sleep is good. Listen to your body please. you can always find a podcast of the show and listen to it again.

Well done for getting 'almost' half way!

LOVE as always ........