Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

HelenG said:
We might just have to enter you for 'The Great British Bake Off' :drool:
Click to expand...
ahhahaha... no thanks!! I sit in utter admiration of those folks!! I am going to have a try at that coffee walnut battenburg next time though and have got all the ingredients here at mums ready for it! lol looked really hard though .. might make a tad more of the filling than she let them! lol
 
Emotional afternoon... mum broke down and cried... said how she wanted it all to be over but was trying to carry on for me and sis's sake.. it was so so sad... she said she has no appetite and is only eating for us.. because she has to be strong for us.. I broke down too and told her I couldn't speak for my sis but I didn't want her to do or put herself through anything on my account.. that she had put us first all our lives and now was her turn... that I didn't want her to die but I know she's going to sometime even though I want her to live forever.. and how I would hate to think she went through suffering on my account... and if she didn't want to eat then she didn't have to., but, if she didn't eat she wouldn't have the energy to get upstairs and that might mean hospital too.. but it was her call, her choice... I told her how sad I felt that she felt she had no control but that I understood why she would feel that way... but gently reminded her, and she agreed, that she does have control over some things.. in fact, over most things... but.. not the one thing we all wish we had control over - our health.. she said she was just having a bad day... and I agreed it had not been the best.. lol... we both laughed... and I said that it goes like that, some days you can't deal with it and other days you can take on the universe... and we agreed that tomorrow will be a better day..

My heart is breaking for her... how must she be feeling? I cannot bear to imagine... she said to me that even though she has no pain now... it's not just about that... and I agreed.. and I know what she means... it's about her quality of life.. and not the quantity...

I love her so much my heart is in bits. I am so so sad for her.. as much as I never want her to die.. I don't want her existing and not living.. not on my account... bleeping cancer...
 
I can't even begin to imagine how heartbreaking it must be to have that conversation with your beloved mum , my heart aches for you sweetie . The best you can do is support your mum & be there to hug , cry & laugh with her
Much love & hugs to you both
xx
 
I am so sorry that your Mum has had a bad day, Jennie. Pleased though that she is in no pain. I so feel for you both but it is good that you both talk about it so openly.

((((hugs))))

Pam xxx
 
Hello Jenni! I came across your diary by picking up on one of your titles and it has been like a mirror image of my life recently. I have no understanding of CD but see that you have managed to achieve a great weight loss in the past and so will be able to do it again I'm certain. I have freinds here who are or have gone along that particular path.

However, it was the talk of your Mum that really hit home. I have just recently been in the same situation with my Dad and many of the things you have said have brought back memories. The hard times, the funny moments, the desperation etc etc all ring true. My Dad lived with my brother for the three years that he was terminally ill and I fought to have contact and build a role for myself once they became as thick as thieves. We managed to sort out some sort of rota and all felt better for it. I was able to spend some special time with Dad which I now look back on. I was however envious of their relationship and felt pushed out and useless on many an occasion. It was not easy but well worth it.

My Dad decided to give up his treatment earlier this year as at 84 he was finding the effects too terrible to tolerate. He knew that this would mean he was unable to fight the disease any longer but made the decision rationally himself. The treatment wasn't going to be effective for ever any way. He lived for 6 months after that decision was made and until the final month he was in reasonable health. We had the emotional talks etc and I know just how you and Mum must be feeling. Dad didn't want to die and said all the things he wanted to be around to see such as his grandchildren's children etc but all you can do is listen-there is nothing really else you can offer but comfort and an ear. Like you mum he was articulate and intelligent and there was no pulling the wool over his eyes. This made it sometimes hard too.

It is so hard to see someone you love battling this horrible disease but having had a lot of support from both Marie Curie and Macmillan I know that in many ways my Dad and your Mum are the luckier ones. They have their family and people to turn to. Not many do surprisingly. Just trying to be as normal as possible in abnormal circumstances is the best plan and is just what you are doing. Our lives revolved around bowel movements, diet, fluid intake etc etc just like you and we made jokes about it when we were strong-just like you.

I do know that when Dad passed away I hadn't realised how exhausted and emotionally drained I was. I went on holiday and slept for a week! You really have to look after yourself and that is the best advice I can give you. However much you want to do it all it is just impossible. You have to keep fit and well to cope with this strange lifestyle and you have commitments to others too. Please take care and if there are any ways in which I can offer help or support then do pm me. I found Marie Curie absolutely wonderful but they have a very specific role and I will willingly tell you when they would be invaluable to you. I do know that Dad lived far longer than predicted as there is no hard and fast rule somehow. Prepare for the worst but keep hopeful if you can.

I am sorry to have gone on for so long but hoped that I could offer you some support during this time. I will pop back anyway! I don't want this to come across as negative but as practical advice and experiences. You are a wonderful daughter and your mother is fortunate to have you in her life fighting her corner.x
 
Dear Sarah

I am so sorry to read about your Dad... I know how it felt to lose my father, and my step-father.. and I am so glad you had that opportunity to get close.

Thank you so so much for your post... it is good to know that what's happening is "normal" if you know what I mean... we have the support of the local "Hospice at Home" nurses who I have to say are absolutely wonderful.. they can do so much more than MacMillan (in terms of medical treatment etc...) I haven't looked into Marie Curie side of things... to be honest it's all a bit mad really.. just 6 weeks ago I couldn't have imagined this happening..and here we all are, in the midst of it all.. unwilling participants in our mum's own personal "Final Chapter"...

Again, I am genuinely grateful for your words.. I found them very comforting and strengthening too.. I know what you mean about looking after myself too.. I think I have a chest infection coming on as since those damned lilies made me wheezy I am coughing nasty green goop.. (sorry if too much info).. and feel crap.. I go home tomorrow and headlong into another manic week/weekend.. but.. I AM going to have early nights.. and I may add some chicken and salads to my CD diet as I do feel something extra is needed at the moment, but Blueberry muffins ain't doing it.. lol

We both had a better night last night and I was awake at 5 this morning. I just have to clean the bathroom today as I know my sister isn't a domestic goddess , lol, and I have done the rest of the house as mum asked me to, and I would like sis to come into a house that is nice and clean so she can do whatever mum wants her to do..

Mum said again this morning that she never thought she would see the day where she didn't want to eat.. so I felt her forehead and joked about she must have a temperature because she has passed on the foodie gene !!!

She tries to smile but its forced. I worry about her mental health now as I feel depression is pretty inevitable and is already hammering at the door... or maybe it's just realistic expectation and the overwhelming sadness that must surely accompany that...

Whatever it is.. it's stolen the joy from my mum.. and I despise it.
 
Everything you are going through I remember so well.

We had good days and bad days but I enjoyed every precious day I could spend trying to be normal with my mam. I cried inside and in private and hope I was brave in front of mam.

Thinking of you in this troubled time

Irene xx
 
Jennie, I'm so sorry that your mum's illness has progressed so far since we last spoke.

You're a good daughter, and I wish you all strength to face what is in store.

I'm glad you're now having your 3 portions of CD each day, which will certainly give you a good nutritional foundation, but you're working so hard under such stressful conditions that a good protein meal every day (such as in 810) will be very helpful, and will barely affect your astonishing losses, while keeping you well-nourished.

With love
L x
 
So, I have reached my last night at mum's until a week on Thursday and I feel so sad... I am going to miss her when I go home and wish I could stay but she is adamant I go and also, my sister wants to be here just as much as I do.. I do worry how she will cope for 10 days straight...

Mum has been really off colour today - literally and figuratively.

She hasn't wanted to eat at all, all day.. so we compromised.. she had a little bit to eat and also 2 of her meal supplements.. and, she even asked for some pudding at lunchtime - nothing much but it was something. She has no appetite at the moment - I am hoping that will change.. she has been in a dark place all day really... I heard her on the phone telling her friend that everything is tasteless.. and the nurse said on the phone that this too, was normal... and part of the progression of the cancer... *sigh*

I cleaned the bathroom thoroughly this afternoon and the landing and stairs.. and washed the downstairs floors again.... and bleached the sink and drainer... and nipped to the shops for mum, and the chemist for something for her trapped wind.. got some peppermint oil capsules and they seem to have done the trick...

Having settled her in bed, she said she has been a really miserable cow today and I agreed with her - lol but told her she was entitled to be... lol but that I hoped tomorrow would be better for her... and I bought her some mints to try and help keep her mouth watering as she has drunk so little she is dehydrating again!

She commented on how tired she was and I very very gently reminded her that if she doesn't eat and drink then she has to expect to be tired... love her.. it's so hard for her... I hope she sleeps well tonight and that tomorrow is better.

She has an appointment to get her nails done in the morning, I hope she's up to it.. she hasn't set foot outside the house since Friday.. despite my cajoling ... its not good for her.. nor me! I stood outside in the howling gales this afternoon for 10 minutes just so I could feel alive for a few minutes... I know that may sound horrible.. but I know what I mean...

Lots more happened... I made some difficult phone calls last night and if mum or sis finds out there will be hell to pay, but I can't bear the thought of my stepsisters being shunned.. I have no real grudge to bear and I know that, despite their actions, they do care about my mum... it's so difficult.. and I have taken a huge risk.. but.. I am glad I spoke to them (2 of them)... the other 2 I really don't give a fig for... not even one in an almondy tart!!

Diet fail today - Blueberry muffin, 2 crackers with butter, chutney, 1 choccie biscuit... *sigh* ah well.. back on track tomorrow as won't have the temptations at home...

I love my mum so much and she knows it.. and she loves me... that's all that matters...
 
I am SO crap on this damn diet at the moment! Have done nothing BUT eat junk so far since getting up at 6am... have done more washing and vaccuuming etc too and of course got mum her breakfast - delighted she actually ate it too!! Am taking her to get her nails done this morning hopefully... I've loaded all my stuff into the car and really don't want to leave her later.. *sigh*

Feel incredibly tired but have stacks to do when I get home.. unfortunatly Mr M will be at home but he is going out at 5pm so will have the place to myself and the dog after that.. need to start baking for the weekend.. type up stuff that needs printing out for the weekend.. get the club orders packaged up ready to post tomorrow on way home from work.. and do a plan of action for the weekend's events... have no money in bank as spent my last on petrol and baking ingredients.. am hoping mum will give me some petrol money but if not, I have enough to get home and possibly to work tomorrow... if not.. I shall go on Hattie to work as I know she has a full tank..

I wish I had enough money to not worry about it.. but hey ho.. when I eventually flog my house I shall never buy again... and will ponce off the state like my sister and her entire family!! Seems to be the best way to relieve financial stresses!!!!!

Sorry - just tired, grouchy and not wanting to leave mum..
 
You're FitFairNFurious I guess! So what's a muffin after that cleaning blitz?? You had to take it out on something - just don't do it to yourself by sabotaging all your hard work. You can get right back to your diet but a bite or two of something solid is what your body seems to need.

I had a tough time with my mum too. Sadly, we didn't have the heart to heart chats and she wouldn't let us help her - only dad was allowed! I still feel sad about that but it was her way of dealing with it. Make the most of your lovely mum. Continue to feed her and nurture her for your own sake as much as hers. She must be so proud of having a strong loving daughter and that must make her feel good.

You also make lots of yummy food and don't eat any of it (much) - that is really strong!

Love and hugs Pomooky XX
 
Morning Jen! How are you doing petal? I remember so well 'escaping' from the sickroom and wondering how on earth life was still just the same outside. I really needed to feel normality and do something as simple as walking to the shops was usually enough. I know that you want to spend every possible moment with Mum but these '10 minutes standing in a howling gale' are also important. Cabin fever can set in and living in such an intense atmosphere is stressful. Even though you will miss Mum whilst you are back home you will have new things to tell her and talk about. A bit of normal conversation is refreshing. You are doing great.x
 
Exhausted - baked 400 fairy cakes, a victoria sponge and an apple and olive oil cake... decorated all the cakes, typed up the treasure hunt/scatter rally, printed out 150 copies, did photo sheets too, all collated and ready to go..

Now all I have to do is type out the answer sheet, sort out all my regalia stock, choose my clothes, load up my car, fill it with petrol, get to the rally, unload, return home, load up the dozens of cake tins and boxes and my bike gear... go back to the rally, unload again, get a lift home and collect Hattie and ride back to the rally site... oh... and sort out food and drink for the weekend... and my cd packs... dig out my bottle of rum.. make sure I have my tablets... camera and charger... phone charger... oh yeah.. and sleep between now and starting on that humungous list!!

oh... almost forgot - have to take the dog to the kennels too!!

So - just another day here tomorrow eh...
 
Hi Jen,

I hope your keeping well, them cakes sound lovely, wish I could taste one. How is your mum ?
Are you still managing to stick to your diet ? I know what stress does to me, it makes me wont to eat junk, now where's that chocolate :)
Have a good week:D
 
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