Blergh! - FatFairNForty(ish) - my diary

not sure how to begin this one so will keep it brief - blew the diet out of the water over the weekend but back on track again now.. brilliant weekend but a real low point at one time.. beayatch of a woman said something to upset my daughter.. anyway - will explain more another time.. partied until the early hours every night, did everything I had GP about pains am having and also discuss mum.

Sis been a nightmare again - no phone calls or texts to update me... so I have been ringing to find out instead!

Had such a brill weekend... shattered... sleep now... and hoping that 3 days of being back 100% on diet will undo all the damage done! I did dance 'til I melted but even so... lol

Weigh in on Thursday (I think)... put on 3 last week... *sigh* seriously need to get to grips with having my packs even if stressed!

Night night xxx

PS Fancy dress at the rally on the Sat night was brilliant!
 
Under the amount of stress you are under , you'd be a saint to stay 100% . That said , new day , put the past behind you & get back to where you want to be
Hugs xx
 
I agree with Cheryl!!!!! Please don't give yourself a hard time honey, you're going through so much emotional upheaval at the mo, you are doing so great xxxx
 
what a day.... mum was told today that she has less than 6 months to live, doubtful even 3 ... it's awful.. bless her... she is being so brave.. I can't wait to see her tomorrow... I had a massive row on the phone with my sis before she told me.. and I told her I really need her to keep me updated every day and she went nuts at me.. yet again she spoke to me as if I should KNOW mum had been sick yesterday and that she'd called the Dr out and mum had an injection etc.. but as she won't let mum answer her phone these days.. and she tells me beggar all... what am I supposed to do???? She also said the nurses said I am not to write stuff in the care folder! How can that be right? I put in there about her being constipated and depressed and off her food.. surely as her carer I should write these things down so the professionals can see them? I don't believe my sister so am going to call the hospice nurses about it... when I said I was going to talk to them about it sis went mad at me and started yelling ... I managed to calm her down.. and I told her we were both totally stressed out.. both horribly worried and frustrated at how useless we feel.. she had a go at me again and said mum had told her I never sat still... what mum DIDN'T tell her was that she had ASKED me to give the house a deep clean.. and THAT was why I never sat down! I told sis that she needs to realise that mum tells her one thing and me another.. and that we are both bound to get really stressed out..and we both cried.. but I know she still won't keep me informed... she says they will want to keep mum in hospital for a week if she will go... *sigh*

If mum tells me she doesn't want to go in then I will be taking her home - I am NOT going to force my mother into doing ANYTHING she doesn't want to... I have no idea why my sister seems to always want mum in hospital but every damn time she looks after her, that's where she ends up!!

Sis has been looking after her for 8 days.. clearly it's too much for her.. although she DID manage to go out to a dinner dance one night when she was supposed to be there!!! I am going to have to bite my tongue BIG time or we will fall out forever.

As it is, I know that once mum is gone I am going to find it incredibly hard NOT to let rip at how she has treated me during all this... when I look after mum I text my sis every day to tell her how she's doing and what's been happening during the day.. she told me today she doesn't need to know it! So - sod her! I shall do as she does and wait to be asked!

She said I keep at her every 5 minutes?!! I texted her ONCE today after midday and asked very simply: has the nurse been? how did it go? how's mum doing today? that was all... I don't think that's nagging or asking too much as she seems to have confiscated all the phones in the flippin house!!

I told her how frustrating it is to be so far away and not know what's happening! She freaked out and screamed how frustrating it was being there!!! FFS! I KNOW that.... does she not realise that I just want to be there... I wish I did not have a job a mortgage and a dog and then I could be the one spending more time with mum... I really really wish I was the one who got the lion's share of this precious time with her... she lectured me and said "MY mother is dying!" I pointed out to her that she is MY mother too!!!!
 
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I really don't know what to say , more than I did earlier. Your sister is obviously upset & stressed , but I really don't understand what she is trying to achieve , discord is the last thing your poor mum needs . Stay strong & stick with what you believe is the right way to handle things , much love xx
 
it's horrible and I do NOT want to fall out with her but she is making it so damned difficult!! All I ask is that every day she lets me know how mum has been and what's gone on... I would ask mum but she has made it so that I can't! I wish I lived there... I wish I could be there... I wish my mother didn't have this damned disease...

Been 100% on diet since Monday morning and weighed in today and lost another 6lbs - that takes care of the 4 I gained last week and another 2... another 4lbs and I am down into the next "stone"... I am determined to get there next week.. but.. I don't know whether I can stick to sole source when at mums... will see how it goes.. if she goes into hospital Saturday I shall be bringing her dog home with me.. that will upset her but please my sister as it will mean she won't have to be at mums whilst she is in hospital... I know we all deal with these things differently but honestly? I cannot believe at how far apart our ideas of care are?! Sis snaps at her and bosses her about... I give her choices and try to keep the peace... I guess we are both doing it the best way we can.. and in our own ways... poor mum... poor, poor mum ,,... *sigh* she's not eating now.. at all.. staying upstairs all day... not good... can't wait to see her tomorrow..

Mum won't know a thing about the arguing... I will never tell her.. never... cannot say that sis won't though... after all... she told her about my bike... so I guess anything is possible!
 
I know its not in your nature , as it is not mine , but I'd be inclined to not keep your sister updated when its your turn to stay with mum , see how she likes it . Carry on tempting mum with little snacks as you have been , maybe she's not eating cos your sis doesn't entice her & just takes no for the answer , you will know more when you get there tomorrow , much love xx
 
Evening Jen! I am so sorry to hear the news-your situation is so similar to mine except I was dealing with a brother not sister. So many similarities hit me when reading. Emotions are running so high and every few days you are being bombarded with news and new information. It is am impossible situation for you all but in the middle is your poor mum. How does one deal with this news? Everyone in their own way I suppose and knowing that you have few choices left. So sad. I know that I became adept at biting my tongue to keep the peace and keep my Dad from knowing how fractious we were all getting. Unfortunately this disease and the depression that goes hand in hand frequently with it causes the lack of appetite. You can only tempt your mum. Our nurturing instinct is so strong that we find it hard to watch someone giving up and not eating. However, the body does start to shut down and having seen it happen you can only wonder whether it is nature's way of ending suffering. I don't know but do know just how you are feeling. Keep strong, you are doing great.x
 
Evening, Jennie.

I have no words of advice I can give you but just cannot believe your sisters behaviour.

I am sure your Mum will eat something when you are with her because you have a totally different approach.

((((hugs))))

Pam xxx
 
I have a feeling that my sister's friends will probably same the same to her about me... as I am sure she will be saying I am constantly on her case for information... but the truth is, I am not... the most I have ever texted her is twice in one day... and that was because something had happened... *sigh*

I am going to telephone the hospice nurses in a little while and ask them what's going on at mums and I will try and explain the family 'dynamic' to them... and how much my sister WANTS mum in the hospice rather than at home... and also ask about the care folder... if sis and I are not mums carers then who is?

Am so tired today.. and am really hacked off with Mr Misery
At the rally he behaved like a sullen child all weekend - thankfully I didn't spend any time with him but others came up to me and asked what I had said or done to him as he was walking around with a face like thunder!! wtf!! I had not said or done ANYTHING!! Grrrr...

So I asked him what was up with him at the rally and he burst into tears and said he was missing being with me... and that's what was up with him... and that's he's stupid for messing up our relationship... and that his feelings don't matter because he is a d**k ... and he is a fool for destroying what we had together... he was crying for ages... so I let him cry... I told him he needed to talk to his friends about how he was feeling... that he had good friends who would help him... that he had to talk to someone outside of the situation...

It's not good... I can't deal with his emotional neediness on top of all this! I may sound selfish, but, he has had 4 months now to get to grips with the fact that our relationship is dead in the water... 4 months... and he hasn't even told his mother!!

I let him cry, I listened but I have to confess, my heart hardened toward him, not softened...

He apologised and said he had promised himself he wouldn't do that in front of me... ha! He has been doing that in front of me for flippin' months! Does he really think I cannot see and hear?!!

I made all the right noises, and then went to my room... I didn't want to be anywhere near him.. he NEEDS me and I cannot and will not be here for him... sorry, but I just cannot... I am the very LAST person he needs comforting him... although that's what he wants... in fact, he wants to comfort me, but I refuse to break down in front of him...

When I left work last night I texted him and told him I did not want to discuss mum and that I would be going to my room to think and that it was nothing personal, it was just I needed to be alone.. and not to be offended...

He STILL knocked on my door... *sigh*

I have drafted an email to send him when he returns from his trip to Wales to celebrate his great aunts 100th birthday soon... it tells him that he has to move out for his own sake as much as mine.. and that I want him out by the end of November, mid December at the very latest.

I will wait until he has been and come back, and his birthday has passed... so... October 7th he will be told... he must leave.

He is not well, he is constantly on the edge of tears and so many folks think he's heading for a breakdown.. and I agree.. but you know what? It's not MY fault, and it's NOT my problem!! Harsh huh? Yep! He refuses to help himself so I shall wash my hands of him ultimately...

He has a job interview tomorrow.. we know how that will end... he will be in an even worse state at the end of that!

I am Mrs Selfishness personified right now as all I want is to be with my mum and I couldn't care less about him or his needs...
 
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as far as HWSNBK is concerned , i think Mrs Selfish is how you need to be , he's had enough hints & full on explanations as to how it is , you need to be able to concentrate on the important things in your life right now , not his neediness !
as for your sister , i don't know the solution , but the needs & what is right for your mum should be most important right now
love as always xx
 
I feel so rotten at times too though as he is falling over himself to be helpful - and to be honest, he IS being helpful... he dogsits and he fetches and carries... but I thank him. Always.

He is going to be taxi for my daughter this weekend as I am with mum and daughter is coming for her best friends wedding and doesn't drive.. and on Sunday he is bringing both my girls down to see mum.

He says he will call in, say hello, have a coffee and quick chat then leave... I said that's fine.. I know and he knows it will be the last time he sees my mum... I will never ask him to bring the girls again... we will sort something else out if there is a next time... with elder daughter living up in Liverpool and both of them working full time it's a bit of a mare really!

Anyway - I'm afraid this morning I snapped at him as memories of Lucy flooded back... I told him if mum was in hospital then he would have to do what he didn't want to if he wanted to see her, and he would have to go into the hospital... but you know what... I hope he doesn't... I know he will be an emotional wreck as it is without that!!

I don't think I have forgiven him for refusing to meet Lucy... that ran very very very deep with me.. and I think, was pretty crucial to the destruction of our relationship....

I have telephoned the hospice nurses and they are going to call me back this morning - I am going to bypass my sister now and just ask them to update me.. and ask about the care folder too... and will tell them about the stressful relationship sis and I are having.. and ask their advice on what I have to do to make it more bearable for all - but - above all - for mum.

They have to realise that mum has 2 daughters who love her to bits... not just the one they see every time she is there!!!

I NEED to know stuff so I can deal with it and prepare myself... haven't packed any baking stuff this trip... have a feeling mum would probably prefer me to sit and keep her company - but we shall see... I am not keen on sitting down almost 24-7 though.

It hurts my neck and back and makes me want to eat!!

So - diet stuff packed, car loaded up with everything I need... and as soon as midday comes then I'm outta here and heading south!!

Can't wait to see mum and give her a big Jennie hug and smile ... it won't cure her but it may just be good medicine for a while...
 
Argh! Talk about Chinese whispers!! I just chatted to the Hospice nurse who has been looking after mum...
1. She thinks it will be a lot sooner than 6 months
2. She did NOT suggest respite care
3. She HAS asked mum where she wants to die and she has said at home
4. She has NOT said mum will have to stay in hospital when I take her on Saturday morning
5. It IS ok for me to write things in the Care folder, but there should be a separate section for "Family Comments" and they are sorry they didn't put that in.
6. I CAN call on them anytime for a confidential chat.
7. Mum is happy and painfree but they are worried about her sickness
8. Mum ASKED what was available for her if she wanted and they said if she wanted a change of scenery or a rest from being at home then she could go and stay in the Hospice whenever she wants to.
9. I do NOT have to insist on blood tests as they will do these as a matter of course on Saturday morning!

So... the upshot is... sis "misheard" on almost every level and in future I am going to speak directly to the nurses caring for mum.

I am 100% in support of her decision to be at home... I don't care what my sister wants or thinks... and I have told the nurse about us fighting and arguing... and that I feel mum will be bullied into submission... and that worries me..

I have a feeling that sparks could fly as, when I said I was told it was too time consuming for them to read my notes the nurse actually repeated what I said with a very surprised tone and then said, "really? hmmm" and then reassured me that it was totally acceptable to write whatever I wanted down but in a separate part from the medical notes - I have NO problem at all with that and am going to create file dividers for just that purpose right now!! She was happy with that too.

She could have been pacifying me, but I don't think so - she sounded a bit bemused really... and she reconfirmed that mum definitely wants to die at home. End of.

My sister has some explaining to do!! BUT... I am just going to leave it be... nothing will be accomplished otherwise.. and I will simply do the folder after she leaves me and mum alone later on... I can't wait to get there though... really really can't wait! Setting off in just over half an hour... will try and update when there when she goes to bed tonight... the nurse is calling in on her again today too.. she did say there was a possibility if her bloods are too low that she may need to stay in over the weekend for a transfusion but she has NOT mentioned it to mum at all as it may not happen either!

So... at least NOW I have the fuller picture!!
 
at least you have the facts now , its easy to only hear certain things then relay it in your own words by which time its not what was said in the first place , esp when stressed , we see it all the time .
with your job you are used to relaying information & recognise the importance of it being EXACTLY what was said . sis doesn't have this skill , being a non worker .
I'm sure the community team are used to dealing with splintered families , but its reassuring to you to know you can call on them
xx
 
Never was a truer word sain than the title of your diary, Jennie.

Only believe anything when it comes directly from the person concerned.

I hope you have a lovely weekend with you Mum. I am sure that she will like having your company but not expect you to sit beside her 24/7. It is most probably another Chinese whisper. You would not believe how things get changed out here as news is passed from one expat to another. ;)

Pam xxx:break_diet:
 
I got here and am fizzing with frustration... I asked sis if mum was in "sorting things out" mode and she took 2 seconds to tell me she is helping her to re-write her will!! PLUS... there is NO sign of the bank statement for August... despite my requesting one for her... so where is that? AND sis made a point of telling me mum has no money... and that she wants to "take care of her grandchildren" ... I can imagine how the whole thing was done! GRRRRR!!!!!

AND... not sure if I said,but sis wanted her to keep the table and chairs and ditch the dresser when she moves downstairs... and today, sis says (very casually)... well I'd like the table... and I asked her where on earth she could keep it!? Her living room is smaller than the damn thing! So she said the legs come off and she would find somewhere... it all stinks to me... stinks to high heaven... I am convinced she is doing something with mums money - she already told me she took £20 extra for petrol (without asking mum!!!)... how wrong is that!! I happen to know that mum does have a little money as she was left a lump sum from my nana... and I know how much etc.. sis better not be fleecing my mother whilst she's dying!!!!!!!!!

Sorry but it stinks like the worst rotten fish!! I am going to find out what's going on - but carefully!!
 
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