Boggins is losing it

Discussion in 'Calorie Counting - Diaries' started by boggins, 30 July 2011 Social URL.

  1. boggins

    boggins Silver Member

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    Diet:
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    I'm not going use this to list everything I've eaten, or what exercise I've done. It's going to be more about general thoughts and experiences, which I hope will inspire others, and me.

    Bit of background: I'm 32, and feel like I've always been fat. In fact, looking at photos of me in my early teens, I wasn't. But I thought I was, had problems with my knees so disliked exercise, and kind of gave up on myself. I gained steadily, and was a size 20 by age 16. Whilst I've gained and lost since then (not deliberately) I've never been under a size 20. In my head, I AM fat. I mean, I just embody fatness, I am fat, fat is me, I'm the fat girl, always and forever. I felt that at size 14, as much as size 20, 24, 26....they all looked equally gross to me.

    The past couple of years have been tough (bout of severe depression; cancer in the family), and I have eaten like a pig- my weakness is pizza. I would have a pizza delivered every week, sometimes twice a week. I also ate a lot of ready meals, and if I did make my own meals I would have about 3 servings of pasta in one go, thinking that any less wouldn't satisfy. I ate at McDonald's one or two days a week. I knew it was bad for me, but if I tried to resist it would take over my brain until all I could think about was fries and milkshakes. I knew something was seriously emotionally wrong.

    Earlier this year I bought a book about emotional eating, which talked about not depriving yourself, learning that you can have what you want, and "intuitive eating". I'd heard about it before, and decided to do what it said. I stopped the little policing I was doing, and went wild. It was only a few months ago, so I clearly remember running amok in Tesco buying everything I'd ever dreamed of, in stupid quantities.

    Well, the inevitable happened. I got fatter than I've ever been. I'm not sure, because I never weighed myself, but I think in May this year I was over 22 stone. I started to feel really ill. I had trouble breathing when asleep, and worried constantly about my heart. At that point I knew that "intuitive eating" wasn't going to work for me. I have that book to thank for one thing- it pushed my weight so high I hit breaking point.

    On May 30th, I got on a bicycle for the first time in about 18 years. Wow, what a wake up call. The pain in my quads was excruciating. I couldn't make it up even a tiny slope. I had to stop every minute or so, even on flat ground, to catch my breath. The next day I was in agony. And that was it.

    I have not had a single pizza since then. Or any take-away food, in fact. Not a spoonful of Ben & Jerry's, not a swig of Pepsi. No crisps, either. Not one solitary ready-meal has passed my lips. I'm simply not doing that to myself anymore.
    I bought a new swimming costume, and have built up from 1 to 4 consecutive lengths of front crawl. I dug out my old yoga DVD. Three weeks ago I started Couch 2 5k. On day one I managed about 15 seconds of jogging. I'm now up to 2 minutes at a time.

    I gave up dieting when still in my teens, as I realised I was starving and then bingeing, and it was unhealthy. I can remember making elaborate charts of goals, detailed diet plans with each meal mapped out; and then never following any of them. This time I have no goals as such, and no charts, but, after depression and therapy and trouble and whatnot, I've finally got to a place where I'm prepared to put effort in, and stick at it, and not want it all now now now. Oh I admit I wish it would come off faster- don't we all- but a year's not so long to wait, and in a year, while i might not be in the "healthy" BMI range, while I might not be in the green on a weight/height chart, I will be the smallest, and fittest, that I've been since I was at school. Only this time, I will love and appreciate what I see, and not hate The Fat Girl.

     
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  3. tranquility

    tranquility Gold Member

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    Good luck on your journey. I am also working on the "mental" aspects more than the food this time around. Don't deprive yourself too much life is to be enjoyed whatever our size.
     
  4. Bostik

    Bostik Gold Member

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    Good luck :) You seem to be in the right frame of mind to do this!
     
  5. Legomom

    Legomom Gold Member

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    Good luck and have faith :) you have a great plan an attitude and as a bit of an emotional eater myself I certainly felt what you were saying in your posts!! But it can be done. Its just a bit of a bumpy road!

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  6. Squeezyweezy

    Squeezyweezy Gold Member

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    Hi and welcome.

    Reading your post was just like reading something I had written, so I sympathise and understand how you are feeling. :)
    You are definitley in th eright place if you are wanting inspiration and support. Minimins is amazing for that.
    Good luck hun :)
     
  7. boggins

    boggins Silver Member

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    Diet:
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    Thank you all! I'm glad to hear there are other people out there like me!

    What I wrote did look a bit strict, didn't it? But I deliberately didn't mention giving up chocolate- in fact I was snaffling a square of 74% cocoa choc while I was typing! So it's not all saintly food. I just think I'm a bit like an alcoholic, who cannot have just "one drink". I'd rather avoid junk altogether because I know how easy it is for me to go straight back to stuffing my face.

    So, chocolate is my indulgence, and I'm happy with that! :)
     
  8. boggins

    boggins Silver Member

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    Diet:
    Low carb high fat om nom nom
    I remember seeing a post somewhere by (I think) RainbowRose, which listed reasons for weight loss. I'm going to make my own. Some are the same as hers, some are mine. These are things I've lived with for a decade or more:

    Why I want to lose weight:

    - no more embarrassment about leaving sweat marks on a plastic chair
    - not having to bring a belt extension on plane journeys, just in case (I've had to use it two or three times)
    - no trying in vain to squeeze myself into a bus seat and feeling bad for the poor person next to me
    - no more not getting in a half-full lift in case it goes over limit!
    - in a restaurant I won't need to worry that my chair is sticking waaay out and blocking everyone's path
    - no more sore, red inner thighs
    - no more wearing holes in the inside thighs of my jeans
    - no more sweat running down my back just from walking to work
    - no more lusting after boots that simply won't fit my mega-calves
    - I will choose and wear spaghetti straps or strapless tops, rather than disregard them and go for something that covers my arms every time
    - I will go bare-legged and not be looking around to see who's looking
    - I will not have to shop in Evans all the flaming time, paying their stupid prices and having the hard sell on hugely expensive store cards. Primark here I come! Ha ha!
     
  9. Squeezyweezy

    Squeezyweezy Gold Member

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    Absolutley love your list. I agree with every one of them, so hope you don't mind cos I'm gonna nick them!!! :)
     
  10. boggins

    boggins Silver Member

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    Diet:
    Low carb high fat om nom nom
    Sure! and feel free to add your own!
     
  11. Legomom

    Legomom Gold Member

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    No more being covered up from head to toe in the middle of a heatwave!!!

    Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins
     
  12. boggins

    boggins Silver Member

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    I had my first comment today. The first person to mention that I've lost weight. I've been dreading this. It's not something I talk about or particularly want people to know about (outside close family and friends). Some people gain huge motivation from positive comments. I feel self-conscious and annoyed by them.

    I know people are trying to be nice, but I really don't appreciate comments about my looks. As someone once said to me years ago, people lose or gain weight because of cancer or other serious disease, bereavement, depression or just by circumstance; they may not even have noticed any change, and for someone to say "Oh, you're looking good now!" in any of those circumstances would be highly insensitive. Better to not comment at all. It isn't your business what someone else weighs.

    All that aside from the fact that "you look good now" is the flip side of "you looked crap before", and also reinforcement that "looking good" is important and praiseworthy. I'm trying to make "attractiveness" a small part of my reasons for weight loss; vanity is ugly in itself. I'd much rather be told I'm smart, or hardworking, or generous, or funny, and I can be all those things at 300lbs. And I'm still me. I've not become a better, more moral or intelligent person. I just have less fat on my body than I used to. Why do people think that's so extraordinary it needs comment?

    Anyway, the comment came from someone who is overweight themselves, and for some reason that made it feel okay. And it wasn't about me looking good, just the observation that I had lost weight and she was jealous. Remarkably well-considered, I think. I had nothing to get irritated about!

    In a way I'm glad it's happened at last- at least I'm not waiting in fear for someone to mention it anymore. What I'm not looking forward to are the more thoughtless comments, about how much better I look, or wow, you've lost weight. It's very difficult to respond in a way that's not rude or sarcastic ("That's fascinating. Thank you for telling me."), but lets people know their comments are not welcome.
     
  13. Bostik

    Bostik Gold Member

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    I'm rubbish with compliments too. Really don't like them still! And then they ask how you did it. And I feel stupid saying just eating better and less and moving a bit more. Cos it's what everyone knows and still doesn't do. But they expect me to say something more secret than that like this fairy came and took all this fat away and this happened!
     
  14. Squeezyweezy

    Squeezyweezy Gold Member

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    I think you'll fine that your not on your own with this one. There are alot of us that can't seem to deal with comments. I'm not sure why, but I get really upset when someone comments on my weight, especially someone I hardly know. I just wish the ground would swallow me up!! :)
     
  15. boggins

    boggins Silver Member

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    :giggle:

    I think that might be what I say if anyone asks!

    I'm glad I'm not alone in this. Had another "You're looking well" comment today. It's quite nice I suppose, when it's tactfully put!

    Battling today with the "I'm not losing fast enough" demons. Why am I so damn impatient?!
     
  16. Squeezyweezy

    Squeezyweezy Gold Member

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    I'm feeling exactly the same. Apparently my inner demons have taken to demanding at least 5lbs every week and it's just not going to happen!!! :(

    We just have to keep reminding ourselves that the nice and slow method is best, and we are least to pile it all back on!! :)
     
  17. boggins

    boggins Silver Member

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    I'm trying to remember that! I can see myself burning out if I try to eat too few calories. The fatigue sets in really quickly.

    Anyway, today I AM going to post what I've eaten for brekkie, simply because it's so unusual- and so tasty.

    It's my TOTM: I discuss periods in this post, please don't read if you're eating! :p Part of my reason for losing weight is that my periods got irregular, really painful and heavy and tests/scans can't seem to locate a reason. The doctor hasn't said anything, but to me it was a huge red flashing sign: YOU REALLY NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. This month is definitely better than the last one, but still heavy. I have some prescription painkillers which need to be taken with food.

    So I got up and I made:

    2 eggs fried in a little olive oil and then finished under the grill
    1 tomato, raw (should have been grilled- see below)
    4 (yes 4! :p) slices of Quorn bacon, grilled
    1/2 tin Heinz reduced sugar/salt baked beans
    1/2 wholemeal roll, toasted
    splodge of HP sauce.

    Comes in at around 560 calories- by far the biggest breakfast I've had in a while, but delicious comfort food and something substantial to wash the painkiller down with. Small lunch and dinner for me today I think!

    But I can't even make a breakfast properly! I managed to drop the grilling tomato onto the oven bottom (which isn't the cleanest :eek:) and had to discard it. I spilled boiling hot beans on to my toe, and tried to grab a hot pan with my bare hand. Honestly! Keep away from me in the kitchen.

    Didn't even manage to feed the cat without incident. I accidentally bought him the "in Gravy" cat food, which....how to put this delicately?....makes him STINK. :( :jelous:

    Never mind. Nice big brekkie inside me and the pill will kick in soon.
     
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  19. Squeezyweezy

    Squeezyweezy Gold Member

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    Sorry TOTM is so rotten for you. Sounds like you need a hot water bottle and a good book to snuggle up in bed with. :)

    Breakfast sounds fab, I'm havin bacon and egg for lunch I think.

    Lots of love hun, hope you feel better soon. :hug99:
     
  20. Legomom

    Legomom Gold Member

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    My TOTM got really awfull after I had a coil. The GP gave me some fab pills to make the bleeding lighter which seems to help make the whole week long ordeal easier to handle!! Dunno if it hurts less or if just not having the heaviness to deal with makes it easier!! But TOTM sucks. I know I'm gonna struggle as I'm due soon an I'm poorly so will power has gone AWOL haha!!

    Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins
     
  21. boggins

    boggins Silver Member

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    Wow, I never thought there'd be an upside to pre-menstrual water retention! Now my boobs have deflated, I weighed myself and I've lost 5lbs this past week! :eek:

    Water weight or not 5lbs is a LOT more than I was expecting and I'm dead chuffed. :D If it carries on like this- like 2lbs one week, then 3lbs, then 1lb, then just as I'm getting frustrated, 5lbs- I can handle that!

    Edited to add:
    Just realised I am only 3lbs away from being under 20 stone. In maybe 10 to 15 days I'll be 19 stone something. Wow.

    Also, weighing yourself in Boots is embarrassing. Even if the weight comes out on a little ticket so no-one else can see.
     
    Last edited: 8 August 2011
  22. boggins

    boggins Silver Member

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    Diet:
    Low carb high fat om nom nom
    Promise/mini-Goal:

    I am not going to weigh or measure myself for two weeks.

    I lost a lot last week, so I'm expecting this week to be slow. That will annoy me so I'm just not going to weigh myself. Just focus on getting fitter.

    So competitive, even against myself.

    I want to be under 20 stone, but if I set that goal and then don't meet it I'll be so badly discouarged, so I'm trying not to think about it. I'm just getting fitter, jogging for longer, feeling healthier. Right?
     
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