Ok well the start of the week admittedly wasn't fantastic, still i managed to stick to it and have been 100% all week so far which is good, two runs under my belt equally good, and the scales have forgiven me and claim im now only 1.5lbs over what i was which is nice of them, still not ideal but hey at least the number is dropping!
Had a really long chat with my mum the other night about it all, shes seeing a counciller atm, as she has mild depression but doesnt want tablets (depressioon is due to a completly non working thyroid , leads to wieght gain and difficulty to loose wieght and shes currently on the cambridge diet) anyway while the counciller and her are in agreement part of her weight problems cant be helped because of said thryroid issue, parts of it can and they were discussing habits, reasons etc and mum was telling me, and we sat down and disucssed my habbits and where ive gone wrong, basically, i went through a super skinny size 6 period when i was 16 due to stress at school and typically "boys" anyway got myself a bf and christmas came, school clamed down and i was able to eat again which led to me getting to a size 8, i was happy with this, not worried until my bf of time asked "whens the christmas podge going" being young and niave i genuinly believed i was overweight which started a vicious cyle of "you want me to diet so i wont" - stubborn side god knows where the logic came, anyway i gradually eased up to a 10-12 but i now beleive this was just due to natural growth i have hips, i have boobs im never gunna be skinny, i dont care i just want to feel comfy in me again, age 18 i let this looser go by the wayside after some considerable self esteem bashing had gone on, by this time my self image was distorted, messed up and low, anyway being single i gradually pulled it back and felt happy, i then got with my current bf a year or so later, a truthfull to the bone, loving sweet guy who means the world to me and was genuinly horrified at the residule ammount of self doubt i had, as it was a few months in and very tentaivly he suggested after much moaning and complaining on my part that joining the gym was the answer to my problems, i wasnt fat,ugly or anything, i was slim but untoned , and i was pale with dark cirlces under my eye, and perhaps all i needed was a little make up ( at this point the only make up i owned was an eyeliner - not joking i was 19 by now!) even my dad had started mentioning make up too me so i figured fair play, i joined the gym but didnt really like it so didnt put a whole lot of effort in and ultimately, didnt see any results, the takeaways and junk increased a few pounds went on but generally, not too bad for the next year and a half i lost a few gained a few lbs etc never really fluctuating massivly never finding jeans to tight just ok i was not 100% happy but i was ok, then we moved in to gether and it has gone to pot ever since and i keep trying to figrue it out and my mum hit the nail on the head, at home, i had breakfast, i had lunch, but in the eve my appetite was nothing, i did snack through the day but when i got home after work i had a cup of tea but rarely ate dinner and if i did it was a teeny amount, then id head off round the o/h's wouldnt eat round there, then come home, maybe a bowl of cereal or a slice of toast if i was hungry but not a whole meal , i realesed when i moved in one problem was dinner time we cooked and divided the meal in half. . .i was eating the same amount as the bloke trying to gain weight.. . not smart so i stopped doing that but i figred im still eating more, im eating a portion of dinner, with a side salad, followed by dessert - dessert?! i only ever had desser with a sunday lunch or when we went out where did this little ritual come from, and then a snack later in the eve, now however healthy the food may be. . im still eating more than my body clearly needs, you shouldnt have a big meal at night, night should be something light so how i have i got to here, because my o/h likes a big hearty meal, followed by dessert followed by a snack followed by supper. . . so ive started only having a light salad for dinner, not a big plate so i can trick myself with "its only salad i can have loads" but on a side plate so i can only put so much on and that is enough i am full after it,.. . basic point being i dont need three big meals a day, i need two meals and a snack and for the past three days thats what ive done, and ive dropped 1.5lbs . . . i maintained a decent weight for two years before we brought the house, buying the house has lead to extra snacks bigger meals, desserts and meals i dont need to be eating. . . i need to go back to what i was doing, and while i cant skip dinner all together anymore, i can make it as small as possible a side plate of salad fills me for the evenign, so when ive got the weight down and hit proper food again in the evening a small side plate will be more than enought of that too.
I figured i go off the rails and eat chocolate when im mad at the o/h . . it feels like a "F*ck u " kind of symbol when in actual fact im only hurting me and my diet so i dont even know where this came from. . weird. . sorry very long ramble, just needed to get it down lol ! x
I'm like you and it's all or nothing. On good days i'll happily turn down everything naughty, then on other days I'll eat much the same as you and then think why!!?? for the rest of the week. I think knowing you can be good makes the bad days even more frustrating when you think back on them. Keep going, you're doing so well. x
