Debate - Weight, love etc?

[kingleds]

I would hate to think my OH's attraction to
me was based purely on my size. I have been big all my adult life, and with him since i was 20, so he's only ever known me to be big. If i had a health issues which was weight related, i would have no problem with him suggesting that maybe losing some weight would help. However, if he told me he was no longer attracted to
me because of my size i would probably reply that i was no longer attracted to him because it turns out he is a horribly shallow human being.

It would not spur me on to do anything other than kick his ar&e to the nearest curb.

However, everyone is different! I am a very subborn person who needs to come conclusions myself - even if it is patently obvious to the rest of the world

 

[suespain]

My OH was dropping very large hits about my size, but being thick skinned I ignored it. As he's less than 10 stone and we were eating the same I suppose I didn't see (or want to see) the weight piling on.

Since loosing weight people have kept commenting on how much better I look.

I have often said to my OH why didn't people say when I was getting bigger and bigger that I looked terrible with all the weight.

OK, it would have been bad and I probably would have been mortified, but it may have given me a spurr on sooner (or would I have just comfort ate?!)

 

[Mrsbc2be]

I think that I would want to know. I would hate to be in a situation where we had a taboo area that could so clearly have a massive effect on our relationship. If he isn't attracted anymore of course he should say. You can then choose whether to actually do anything about it.

 

[helzzz]

I asked my hubby the question about how he feels about my weight a while ago. He said that he finds me sexier now that I'm thinner, but that it's more to do with me having more confidence about my body and acting sexier if that makes sense. He also told me that he'd be happy with me whatever weight as long as it made me happy but that because I was unhappy about my body it made me less sexy.

He also told me that if worries about my health and that if I was to get pregnant he'd spend the whole time worrying about my weight.

It was hard to hear, as what he was saying was basically that I'm less attractive when I'm bigger and that I'm unhealthy. However, he put it in a really nice way and has supported me the entire way and keeps telling me how fab I look recently. He also didn't roll his eyes at me when I told him (for the millionth time) that I was going to do something about my weight - he just believed me & was 100% supportive.

 

[eternity]

I wouldn't want someone to be that honest with me. I would find it crushing and it wouldn't spur me on to lose weight. I know this because when I was married previously my ex said that he was ashamed of me because of my weight. I coud never trust him again to put my feelings first and we eventually split up after I'd lost some weight but couldn't forgive his 'honesty'
Relationships to me are built on more than physical appearance, fair enough to worry about someones health when they are overweight, but physical appearance changes for lots of reasons, it's personality, love, trust that count more.

 

[ladyantionette]

Interesting opinions guys!

I understood were he was coming from but I think you need to choose your words carefully.

When I was 16 I went to the dr's to go on the pill, and I was weighed and he told me I needed to loose weight - I should stop eating and excercise i think he said.

I was 5'4 and about 10 st 2lbs - A little heavy but not as bad as he made out - and someone that same weeks asked if I was pregnant...sadly down to those comments and alot of personal problems I was anorexic for about 3 years on and off. When I reached around 7 st 7lbs I was hospitalised for complications with my kidneys due to my lack of eating.

So words can cut you if you have exsisting eating problems, whether that be no eating or to much!

I am through the other side now, and doing healthy eating the right way..but my husband is always very careful about what he says - always complmenting me and checking im eating. I am more than happy to admit if someone made a comment about my weight I wouldnt spiral to the extent I was but if im honest it would bring up alot of bad memories/behaviours.

 

[MancBird]

I think there is a difference between "tough love" and being hurtful... I would be so mortified if my OH said this to me... when I was 16 I went to the nurse at my doctors and was told, as a 5 ft 7, 12 stone woman that I was "on my way to an early grave" if I didn't get into the healthy weight range. I left the doctors in tears, and balooned to almost 19 stone by the time I hit my 20s... I have never forgotten that cruelty, to say that to a young girl, who isn't even a stone overweight... it didn't give me a wake up call, it just broke my heart.

Fast forward to now, and I went to see my GP last Feb about a new contraceptive pill, and was subtly informed I may not be able to have it as my blood pressure was "on the high side"... it was a little hint that did the trick, I joined SW the next day and am 2 stone down so far...

I think its down to the individual... I am obviously quite sensitive and couldn't take the tough love approach... but for some people maybe that spurs them on!

Thank you for an interesting debate! xxxxxx

 

[MrCharmed]

I personally think its bad that he said he wasn't attracted to her, I wouldn't want anyone to say that to me, ever. However, that being said there was nothing wrong with him being conerned for her health.

 

[Wegle]

I think whilst something like this is hard to hear I would want my other half to be the same. Love and attraction are 2 seperate things that ideally will go hand in hand but sometimes they get split up and follow different paths. I will always love my other half whatever he does to change his appearance, however if he were to shave his head and grow a 2 foot mohican which was dyed green I would be less attracted to him and would not think twice about telling him. The problem with being this honest about something like weight is it is a very touchy subject. I knew my other half was becoming less attracted to me as I gained weight because I was feeling less confident about myself and I knew if I didn't like myself then it was probably very likely that he didn't like how I looked. Now I've dropped 2 dress sizes I'm getting lots of compliments from him which is lovely.

Had my other half said something like the above to me I would probably at first been offended but only in the immediate "how dare you" kind of way. Once I've had chance to digest it and work it out I think it's for the best.

Got a bit waffly there I'm afraid but to sum up. I agree with the guy and would hope my other half could do the same for me.

 

[desperate2Bslim]

Yes, honesty is very important. But after honesty should be "acceptance". I have both so I think I am on the right track. I am tired of being fat and being left alone because of my size. My x-bf left me for another woman because of my weight issues. It's a big slap in my face and a big kick in my bum. But here I am, ready to lose weight.

 

[LV30]

Damned if you do, damned if you dont.

It's a minefield.

If someone said that to me I wouldn't know what to do, say, react. Some of you ladies have had the most horrific experiences down to other people's words and actions, and they have affected you in the most profound ways.

I want to be happy and healthy and also love and be loved. Don't we all?! Obviously! duh!

I don't know what i'm trying to say here but really, in our heart of hearts we know that we need to lose weight whether our o/h tells us in their own peculiar way, or not.

I'd rather be told I think (in a kind way) rather than wake up one morning and find that he's gone. I hope that he's not that shallow... but we never know and I suppose if it opens up a debate, that can't be bad.

Good luck ladies.

Lx

 

[walkonby]

Its not just husbands and partners is it ? Its family and friends who can speak the truth - tell us that we're putting on weight - but, do we need to be told ? Doesnt the waistband of our jeans tell us what other people may put into words ?..why wait to be told ? - why dont we please ourselves if we want to look slim and fit, and then wait for the compliments. Some people aren't bothered about what other people say and how they perceive them, but some are.

If it hurts that someone actually says it..'You're abit overweight', then do something about it. If it genuinely does not bother you. Carry on eating badly.

 

[Lilyb]

Interesting thread.

I will put my hands up here and say that I said the same thing to my husband. In the 12 years we have been together he has just got bigger and bigger and in December last year he passed into the Obese BMI category with no intentions to stop his bad eating habits. I love him completely but to be honest, his massive beer belly, rather big breasts, big thighs and huge double chin were starting to put me off him sexually. I tried several different ways to tell him 'gently', saying that I was worried about his health, that his 'big' clothes were looking tight etc but it didn't have any affect at all. So I told him outright what I was feeling. He was very hurt and I wondered if I had done the right thing, he didn't talk to me for 24 hours BUT he thought about it long and hard and quietly started dieting a week later when I started. He is now nearly 2 stone lighter and delighted with the results, as am I! He has since said that although it did hurt at the time, he is glad I was honest enough to tell him as it spurred him on

 

[kingleds]

Reading my response back i've just realised it sounded slightly harsh ! Should have mentioned my OH is overweight himself and actuallu my biggest problem with him commenting on my weight would actually be the hypocrisy of it.
Thankfully he sensible enough to realise this!

 

[*EB*]

I have been overweight all of my adult life - but when i met my hubby to be, i really started to gain some serious weight - i think i was about 16stone 7 when we met (still very very overweight), and then over a couple of years - luxury hols abroad and love-eating (takeouts, meals out - meals in! you know the sorts) i managed to rocket up to over 18 stone. He has gained about a stone himself.

A visit to the GP and mentions of Strokes and DVT made me take a long look at everything, and a holiday to Mexico for 2 weeks All Inclusive made me realise nothing fitted properly. I was in size 22/24 clothes but i told myself they were 'small' 22/24's....?>!>!>! Denial.

My H2B never commented on my weight - but supported me in losing weight, and once i had joined SW and lost a little weight he saw how i was happier! He even has a weekly weigh in with me - but he has lost and gained the same 7lbs over the last 18 months, whereas i have shed 65lbs!!!

He is ever so tall though at 6 foot 4, and he currently weighs about 16.7 stone - but he would like to be a stone lighter for our wedding. I think he will do that in about a month if he put his mind to it! hehe!

I am a little guilty of calling him a 'piglet' if he has snacks after our evening meal, but he shrugs it off. I just ask him to keep them out of my reach!!! otherwise i get tempted - and he is wonderful and moves them away from me.....x

 

[charliesworld]

Wegle got it exactly right - love and attraction are not the same thing.

Both my partner and myself are obese and I hate it. I don't particularly find him or me attractive (and it affects my sex drive but not his apparently lol) but I have never actually told him that. I really don't want to hurt his feelings because I still love him whatever his size. I think he does know it deep down. I've tried to get him to join sw with me (he did once years ago and lost quite a bit of weight although he has put it all back on) but he just refuses now as he hated the classes. If he told me he didn't find me attractive I'd be upset because he voiced it but it would only be what I feel deep down (if we didn't feel that way it wouldn't upset us so much). As it is atm he makes "jokes" about my wobbly belly, how I'm causing an earthquake because I'm jumping around etc etc.

He's always been overweight (he's at his biggest now) whereas I have gradually put weight on over the years having children etc.

Everyone is different as the responses on here have shown and I guess even each person will not know how something will affect them until it does. I want to lose weight because I feel awful being so big and it affects my life in many ways because of the lack of confidence I have and not because he makes comments about my size.

 

[zeke]

I suspect my husband thinks the same as the husband in the opening post tbh.

There is no way he would say it though!

My husband is a bit overweight (he cannot see that though - as he wears his 34's under his belly!) - not quite as much as me though. If I am frank, I don't find him that attractive at the moment (not just because of that - he is very hairy and refuses to do anything about the hair on his ears and back. He likes women to have smooth legs and underarms though!).

Last time I lost weight and started to make more of an effort myself, I could see a change in him, too. He got on the scales for the first time in ages etc. Made more of an effort with his appearance etc. I very much hope this will happen again...

 

[MancBird]

Interesting thread.

I will put my hands up here and say that I said the same thing to my husband. In the 12 years we have been together he has just got bigger and bigger and in December last year he passed into the Obese BMI category with no intentions to stop his bad eating habits. I love him completely but to be honest, his massive beer belly, rather big breasts, big thighs and huge double chin were starting to put me off him sexually. I tried several different ways to tell him 'gently', saying that I was worried about his health, that his 'big' clothes were looking tight etc but it didn't have any affect at all. So I told him outright what I was feeling. He was very hurt and I wondered if I had done the right thing, he didn't talk to me for 24 hours BUT he thought about it long and hard and quietly started dieting a week later when I started. He is now nearly 2 stone lighter and delighted with the results, as am I! He has since said that although it did hurt at the time, he is glad I was honest enough to tell him as it spurred him on

This post really spoke to me, as it reminded me so much of my ex boyfriend. We were together from our late teens to mid twenties, and in that time he went from a healthy weight, being very active and playing football (as teenage lads do), to being over 23 stone... it was so painful watching him pile on the weight, stop exercising and slowly become a total coach potato, and I feel so guilty that I stopped fancying him completely, and never once said anything... obviously there were issues aside from the weight as to why it ended, and I had a weight problem myself by the time we finished, but I know through mutual friends that he has continued to gain weight and I wish I had said something, even subtly, when I was still with him.

 

[krupskaya]

This was an issue with my ex husband. Despite being significantly overweight himself he made it clear that he didn't find my body attractive at 9st 7 and when I slimmed down to 8 stone he STILL didn't. And he didn't mince his words - he said I was fat. I felt so unattractive in his eyes it was really ruining my self esteem. The problem wasn't my size - the problem was HIM! I'm glad I figured this out as I had anorexia as a teenager and could easily have gone down that road again. Fast forward a couple of years and I find out that he's been seeing my best friend who was also maid of honour at our wedding. Frankly they deserve each other, and you know what? They're both obese! Sheesh!

 

[ladyantionette]

This was an issue with my ex husband. Despite being significantly overweight himself he made it clear that he didn't find my body attractive at 9st 7 and when I slimmed down to 8 stone he STILL didn't. And he didn't mince his words - he said I was fat. I felt so unattractive in his eyes it was really ruining my self esteem. The problem wasn't my size - the problem was HIM! I'm glad I figured this out as I had anorexia as a teenager and could easily have gone down that road again. Fast forward a couple of years and I find out that he's been seeing my best friend who was also maid of honour at our wedding. Frankly they deserve each other, and you know what? They're both obese! Sheesh!

Your better off without him! I know exactly how you feel re: your anorexia.

Maybe he was comenting on your weight because he was so unhappy with himself? Knocking you down a few pegs so you werent confident enough to see how better than him you were and leave him!