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Decisions are made.

Minerva

...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
#1
Hey ladies!
Some of you may have seen me around, and maybe noticed that I've been very quiet for the last couple of weeks... You are all doing brilliantly whether doing the abstinence or the Lite plans! Never be discouraged and if the going gets tough - push through... however do push to reasonable limit. Don't go to the lengths that I've found myself going to.

I have finally made the decision NOT to push the target of 9st 7. That target was set in some eagerness to see if I can be something I am not. When I was doing abstinence last year my original target was 10st on the dot. I started at 18st 7. My body is truly and honestly rebelling now.

I started in January 2008 and never reached my target of 10st... But I intend to reach it on Lite very soon. In my stupidity and vanity I pushed it backwards to 9st 7, and I can see that my body is truly not going to ever let me reach it without completely torturing myself. I have been doing Lite for 10 weeks now, and for the last 7 weeks my losses have been 0.5 to 1lbs PER WEEK. Consistently. I have not cheated, I have been following the plan as should be, drinking plenty of fluid, etc ...

On top of the poor losses, I cannot move because my muscles feel like they're non-existent, even the thought of going for a short walk would make me want to cry because I'd feel exhausted just from the mere thought of having to do more than sit. My mind is blanking out every 5 minutes, I am not alert, I am in a state of absolute mental and physical weakness.
I have been enduring this lethargic state for 7 weeks, the first 3 weeks were ok because I still had some energy reserves saved up.

And all this for what? Some state of perfection? It never comes. There is always something that I will hate - in fact my breasts are now non-existent, I've stopped wearing a bra because I simply don't need it. My waist size has not changed from 31/32 inches in the last 10 weeks even though I'd apparently lost about a stone. It's all going off my arms and legs and chest and I find myself having a belly and misproportioned body to match.

I do not feel healthy anymore doing this Lite programme. I want to have the energy to go for a bike ride, I want to have the energy to go and play badminton with my boyfriend. This diet is PREVENTING me from doing this. I didn't give in to the torture of the diet from the word go, I gave it a good 7 weeks to see if things will improve for me, if it was just a momentary rebellious child shouting. It wasn't. 7 weeks feeling like this and I finally see that it's my body telling me it's time to stop.

I know enough about making the right choices now. I know how to take control over my emotional eating to take action when I see things getting out of hand.

However, the next big step is to learn to love myself. I am half-way there, self-acceptance is the key. Beauty is not in numbers of the scale, but on the inside. I always envy my friends who shine through no matter what they weigh. They're always the most beautiful people that I know. By obsessing over my 'numbers' I am becoming everything that I hate.

If the mind is happy, maintenance will be easy. If the maintenance is easy with the right choices and changing of priorities, the rest will follow.

For sanity of mind I will go to my original goal of 10st. ... Then. I will finish.


Finally.

Some peace of mind.



...Thanks for reading. I guess I had to say this somewhere. I don't ever share my thoughts or vulnerabilities with people... This is the exception.
 
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bali2001

Full Member
S: 11st0lb C: 10st0lb G: 8st6lb BMI: 27.3 Loss: 1st0lb(9.09%)
#2
min i sensed there was something wrong the other day in your post, thats why i said what i said to you. your right your mental state is more important to your well being. we are always here for you and will support you what ever decision you make, as only you can truly know what is best for you. dont keep it all in talk to us! i am a strong person and dont like to show my feelings or show my weaknesses, but even i can not be strong all the time. we all need someone sometimes. let us know how you are going
 

Minerva

...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
#3
Aww Bali thank you. :) :hug99: I really do appreciate your kind words at this time.

I'm just not your typical girl. I don't cry in front of people, I probably only ever cry about 3 times a year (I'm not exhaggurating!), and usually internalise so many things to the point of complete self-destruction... And I have been at the edge of complete despair far too many times during my teenage years.
But you know? Lighter Life has really helped me deal with so many emotional issues and to come to terms with them. Only now I know that I am in complete control of myself.

I think I have made the decision to go on RTM this Monday. My state of ketosis is completely compromised as it is because I've started taking a 2 week course of skin medication which unfortunately is full of sugar! I didn't think much of it for the last 3 days of taking it, but I have been noticing that I have more energy and my weight has gone up a little! (water/glycogen levels returning to normal) ... LOL. :rolleyes:


Thank you again Bali! I guess you're right... even the strongest (like yourself!) need a helping hand on occasion.
 

marley

Full Member
S: 14st3lb C: 11st11lb G: 11st1lb BMI: 23 Loss: 2st6lb(17.09%)
#5
Minerva - you have done INCREDIBLY well. Focus on the positive - you lost so much weight - and now you are in the NORMAL bmi range - you don't 'need' to lose ANY more weight. Don't focus on the weight you would still like to lose - but on the amazing success you have already had. ENJOY being slim - enjoy going out - enjoy food - enjoy friends - enjoy life.....stop making yourself feel bad! You've been soooo encouraging to other people - time to 'talk' to yourself that way!
 

Minerva

...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
#7
We all struggle I suppose from time to time, and I do know that my emotions do like to take hold every once in a while!
Thank you Marley and Sunshine, your kind words do help me see things... I sometimes forget of the long journey I have come and I almost zero in on the small details of a few extra pounds, getting almost obsessive about it, forgetting that I have come such a long way as it is. I push myself into a corner - and you know how it is, it's easy to tell other people where to look, but hard to apply those same lessons to yourself.
I get so lost inside my head, but I have changed the way I think. I am so much more positive and if that's the thing I take away from this journey, then so be it. I'm not all that scared of putting weight back on - it will inevitably happen to some degree. But the important thing is not to let it get out of hand. I don't want to be dieting forever, and it is very important to get out of the mind-set of "diet"... because the whole LIFESTYLE needs to be changed... if that happens then it is 100% possible to achieve a steady maintenance plan.

Thanks to all of you, even through your questions and encouraging, inspiring words all of you spur me on to think more about the direction I should be going.


In the end, everything will be ok. I know it. I believe it.
 

bali2001

Full Member
S: 11st0lb C: 10st0lb G: 8st6lb BMI: 27.3 Loss: 1st0lb(9.09%)
#8
thats a girl, we are all entitled to get down now and then, as long as we can bounce back, thats why this site is so important to all of us because we know someone will always be there on the other end. keep going min u can do it
 
#9
Min, you have done amazingly well.
Everyone starts with a LL goal - some aren't as realistic as they should be, underetimating the "diet", others may be slightly over ambitious and decide that because they can hit a low-but-healthy BMI on abstinence then they should. But everyone is different. We can all see your photos and you look fabulous.
I have one photo at my lowest weight, and my arms look scrawny. I was at that weight for about a day and then my weight has crept up.
Before I heard of LL I would have been ecstatic to be a size 14-16 just to shop in a regular clothes shop. LL meant I knew I could be a 10 so that became my goal with a 9st target to match. I've never got there. My body seems to be happy as a 12, but I know I can be a healthier 12 so that's my goal now - a size 12 with a healthy BMI. Most important is to be happy with yourself and to settle at a live-able weight. We can strive and push to weigh less, but if we are forever locked in a battle where every calorie is counted and foods are labelled "good" and "bad" then our bodies will have the same hold on us and our mental states as they did when we were fat.
Your body has told you to stop. You're healthy. You need energy to be healthy to exercise, and your mind needs to be healthy for you to keep the positivity you have found.
You look great, you've done amazingly well, and you are an inspiration.
Love yourself the way you are now. It definitely takes time (years even!) to truly recognise your achievement and to know who you are now.

Sorry if I've gone on a bit - I suffer with self-image and fat days more now than I ever did!!
 


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