Well that went well - my husband has just left - apparently my weight loss is an issue for him - despite my reassurance and spending extra time with him - and the usual going over why this is so important to me don't matter (knee operation, other health related issues - but most importantly ME - my self-esteem - my body image )
I don't know when he will be back or if (very bad row) and to be trueful I don't really care - this is hard enough going without him saying - you don't need to lose weight - I love you the way you are - bringing home bottles of wine and pouring me a glass - buying me indian takeaways and dishing them up . I'm not doing this to get at him (he had an affair last year - hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life) - this is just seems right for me now - having battled with my weight for the last 17 years. When my parents and family talk of me and my sister in law - I'm described as Big Lisa and she's little Lisa - in every photo - you can see me - I'm the widest - in some of them I resemble a cube with legs (sob), but your so happy Lisa (laughing instead of crying)
I am so sick of people right now - not eating has made me realise other issues in my life need to be sorted and not hidden under the huge amount of food I've used as a crutch for the last 17 years - for instance my mum is telling me that this is also just a substitute and when I start eating "normally" again I'll put it all back on - my sister "well you've been big for ages - thats just who you are - people love you no matter what" and so it goes on and on and on - I think if I hadn't found this site I would be sitting here eating and killing myself slowly with food (used to eat 7 bars of chocolate in one sitting and not feel sick, followed by dinner and a takeaway etc etc). I used to eat so much it was difficult to breath sometimes - I was so full with food.
I don't care at the moment - I'm sick to death of feeling bad about myself - and eating to cover the crap way I feel. The way I feel now if hubby comes back fine - this is me he'll have to deal with it - if not, tough - this is still me and the weight is still coming off. I love him very much whatever shape, form - its a shame he doesn't feel the same way (stupid sod)
I'm going to have a bath, then go to bed with my book and spread out mumble bad things under my breath about him - then I'm going to sleep and who knows what tomorrow will bring - but I'm here I'm commited to this and maybe one day I'll put me photos in the 'inspirational photos' - yep the ones where I look like a box shape as well
Night all x