I dont know what to do

[Redpam]

For the last 2 weeks I have been trying to SS and it has been reasonably sucessful as I have lost 13lbs. Tonight it has gone out of the window and I just want to be sick.

My H was never supportive when I lost nearly 6 stone last year firstly on LL and then CD. I accept that I am an emotional eater and when I get down I turn to food. I just cannot carry on with this marriage because it is like living with a battering ram ( mentally not physically) All the time he is trying to control my life and I think that at my age I should have some freedom to do what I want sometimes. I plan meals and then he rings up and says he has bought meat for dinner and then expects me to change my plans.
This afternoon I went into town with my son who needed a haircut. While I was waiting for him H rang up demanding to know when I would be home as he had cooked dinner (it was 4.40pm).. I had already told him that I was not eating but he had bought fillet steak for him and me, a very large pork chop for my mother and a lemon chicken fillet for my son. When I got home he had cooked the steak in the oven for about 40 minutes so it was like shoe leather. I could have cried. He upset me so much with his ranting that I drank two glasses of Baileys. Not a good idea when you are SSing. In the end I just wanted to throw up.

I just want out of this relationship so I can regain my self esteem but he just will not go. This is my house and he has never paid anything towards it but if we have a row he says he will get the house off me. I know he cant do this and he cant force me to sell it as I need the space for my mother and son. I think I will ring the Solicitor tomorrow and get an appointment to see where I stand. My Mother says I will never get him out as he is too comfortable here but I have to for my own peace of mind.

Sorry this has been a bit of a rant. I could have go on a lot longer but I am just too upset to put it all into words.
Pam

 

[Redpam]

Sorry I tried to start a new thread but I am useless at this messaging thing
Pam

 

[Flopster]

Oh my! I have absolutely not suggestions for you but you really sound as if you need a virtual hug.

I hope things go well at the solicitors, it sounds to me as if you are doing the right thing.

(((((redpam)))))

 

[Mini]

Hi Pam,

You are very upset and I don't blame you because it does sound that he is being very insensitive to your needs and it is very frustrating.

Before you go as far as getting rid of him perhaps if he knew you felt like this he might be willing to change.

As you said you have done for him all your married life and it seems now you feel it is time for change...well what is wrong with discussing change.

He must of had some good points at some stage and I am sure they are still there.

See if you can talk to him and tell him how you find his behaviour and ask him what steps he can do to help things improve as you are not happy.

One of the most common things I have heard men say..."she never told me she was unhappy"

So give him a chance to see if he is plain dumb or just plain mean.

Love Mini xxx

 

[Ajax]

Hiya Pam,

Just wanted to send you a big big hug, you must be feeling so low (((((HUG)))))

Don't worry about whats happened (food and drink wise) start again when everything is sorted out!

I hope you feel better in the morning and get some things in place to make yourself feel happier, life is too short to be unhappy!

take care of yourself, and dont be so hard on yourself!

Thats what we are here for to listen and support!!

 

[monty]

dear redpam
I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are having such a dreadful time and that I think you should be very proud of how much you have already achieved in the face of such obstructive behaviour. Going to a solicitor is a really good idea, at least then you can get some advice about what your rights are and you can start making decisions from an informed position.
I hope that things get better...
M

 

[kati]

sorry things are so bad for you, going to the solicitor is the best thing you can do because then you will find out exactly where you stand legally.

What mini says about giving him a chance by talking to him is a good idea. Maybe he's terrified he's going to lose you because you're thinner and happier and might just not need him any more. You have to make sure he realises what he is doing if there is still a chance you could stay with him if he wasnt doing those things.

If he doesn't change his ways after you talk to him about it then at least you will have found out what your options are and you will know what you are able to do to get him out of the house.

Good luck with it all, I hope it all turns out right for you whether that means you break up or stay together.

 

[boofaloo]

I'm sorry you are unhappy at the moment - has this been going on for a long time? Have you tried telling him how you feel?

Only you know your situation and if you feel like you've really had enough then be strong and take control back. Dont cheat again and remind yourself that you are doing this for you and that by not eating when you are upset and angry at H you are taking control.

LOTS of HUGS. xxx

 

[Redpam]

Hi Pam,

You are very upset and I don't blame you because it does sound that he is being very insensitive to your needs and it is very frustrating.

Before you go as far as getting rid of him perhaps if he knew you felt like this he might be willing to change.

As you said you have done for him all your married life and it seems now you feel it is time for change...well what is wrong with discussing change.

He must of had some good points at some stage and I am sure they are still there.

See if you can talk to him and tell him how you find his behaviour and ask him what steps he can do to help things improve as you are not happy.

One of the most common things I have heard men say..."she never told me she was unhappy"

So give him a chance to see if he is plain dumb or just plain mean.

Love Mini xxx

I am sorry Mini but he is just plain mean. I have told him many times that I am unhappy with the way he behaves but he just turns it back on me and says I am the nasty one. He is incredibly selfish. We have been together for ten years and married for four years. Ever since we married he has got more and more domineering. None of my ideas are ever right. No matter what I suggest it is wrong.

I have just been to collect my son from his friends an d when we got back he started on me and said everything is my fault because I have become a nasty person.

When he left his job 2 years ago we were able to buy his company car very cheaply but ever since then I have paid for the tax, insurance and repairs because he then got another job with a company car. I had a Suzuki Jimny but the Picasso was better for my mother so I mainly used that. So the Jimny was hardly used. Every time we had had an argument and he has said he was leaving he said he would have to take the Picasso cos he would be leaving his job too. As the Jimny is now too small because Sam is so big now and does not fit in the back and I have traded it in for a Jaguar X type. But obviously the Picasso is ideal for going to the recycling centre or taking the dogs to the vet as the Jag has a leather interior.

When I got back from collecting my son (in the Picasso) H said he is going to sell it. Mean or what. So I said that I would pay him the £1500 he had paid for it as I had been paying out for everything on it but he is having none of it.

His parting shot as he walked out of the room was that if we are still together In November there is no way he will be going to Florida with us. He always does something like this when it has all been paid for. The laugh is one of my daughters jokingly said could she and her partner have the sofa bed in the lounge at the villa. And then said "not really I could not stand being with your H for two weeks he would drive me crazy and I would end up murdering him"

I expect he will sulk for a few days and then try to be nice but I really have had enough now.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and I will be back on the diet tomorrow because he is not going to stop me being slim

Pam

Sorry I have rambled on again

 

[RacieTracie]

I'm really sorry to hear your worries Pam.

we are all here for you and sending you lots of virtual hugs!

thinking of you and i hope it goes well at the solicitor

Tracie
xx

 

[Geri]

Ahh Pam my darlin,

I had no idea things were sooo bad...

Hope you get things sorted soon, and do make the appt with the solicitor so you know where you stand legally.

How dare he upset my lovely Pam...

Chin up girlie
love
Geri
x

 

[Redpam]

Thanks Tracie and thanks Geri

My Mum has just come in to say goodnight and she says I must not let it go on any longer because she thinks he is making me ill.
Trouble is I dread going to bed now cos he might start again
Pam

 

[DQ]

Oh you poor love My heart goes out to you reading this - wish there was something I could say. What strength you have shown to lose your weight with him acting like that the whole time. Sending prayers your way for a peaceful night, and a resolution soon xx

 

[westhills]

Bless you, Pam. I really feel for you. It sounds like you no longer love (or even like) your husband, and when it gets to this stage, you have to get out, or suffocate. (I speak from experience) Divorce is always unpleasant, but sometimes necessary as a damage limitation exercise. You have one life. YOU decide who you are going to share it with.
Ann xxx

 

[Cheb]

Hi Pam

Sounds like life is tough for you and has been for some time. It sounds as though your H is a bully who likes to be in control.

I suspect your confidence has grown as your weight has dropped resulting in him feeling his power over you slipping as a consequence his bullying tactics become harsher as he tries to keep his power.

Don't give him the fuel to control you, if he wants to sell the car tell him to go ahead, ignore his calls to your moby when he phones demanding your attention. If he doesn't go to Florida, great! Bet you have a better time without him. As for the Jag being unsuitable....sell it and buy yourself something more suitable. It's just a possession and is insignificant when compared to your happiness. Walk away when he starts picking fights, it's hard to argue with someone who isn't interested in arguing back. I'm not suggesting you let him walk all over you, quite the reverse. You'll find his rows will have the fire taken out, he will probably get angrier but if you don't rise to it, it'll only be him getting in a ridiculous frenzy. You will take away his power.

It is a destructive relationship that will destroy you, get out now. You will need to be very strong and life will be get harder but it will get better once you disentangle yourself from him. You deserve to be happy, find your strength and take the first steps towards a better and happier life.

Good luck, we're all behind you.

 

[Isobel1965]

Oh Pam - I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. I've been there and he just wouldn't leave, so I had to pack up and do a moonlit flit with the kids. Not ideal!

If it is your house, you can legally change the locks after asking your solicitor to apply for either an Occupation Order or a Non-Molestation Order (on the grounds of mental abuse). If necessary, you can also get a Restraining Order to make sure that he doesn't come near you.

Everyone has a right to live without fear, darling. You will not believe the relief that you feel once he is out of your house. I cried when I read that you were frightened to go to bed in case it all started up again. I so know that feeling!

He's a bully. End of.

He won't change unless something drastic happens. It sounds as if it's time for you to take control, not only for your sake but for your family's sake and peace of mind. (Your poor mum must feel so helpless).

I'm sending you massive amounts of positive vibes, darling - take care of yourself and let us know how you get on.

lots of love

 

[Libbie]

Oh Pam
Just read your post and felt so sad for you.
I kust do not know what advice to give you so I will just say we are all here to listen to you,I know it helps to talk about things aven if the people you talk to can not help.
I think you are a strong person to have done as well as you have dietwise with your hubbie being so uphelpfull.
I agree you should go and find out your rights as this will help you decide what to do,if it is a loveless unhappy marrage then it is not going to do you or your family any good.
Hope you managed to get some sleep last night and that you are feeling a little better.
Sending you lots af positive vibes and hugs.xxx

 

[Mandana]

Hi Pam

Sounds like life is tough for you and has been for some time. It sounds as though your H is a bully who likes to be in control.

I suspect your confidence has grown as your weight has dropped resulting in him feeling his power over you slipping as a consequence his bullying tactics become harsher as he tries to keep his power.

Don't give him the fuel to control you, if he wants to sell the car tell him to go ahead, ignore his calls to your moby when he phones demanding your attention. If he doesn't go to Florida, great! Bet you have a better time without him. As for the Jag being unsuitable....sell it and buy yourself something more suitable. It's just a possession and is insignificant when compared to your happiness. Walk away when he starts picking fights, it's hard to argue with someone who isn't interested in arguing back. I'm not suggesting you let him walk all over you, quite the reverse. You'll find his rows will have the fire taken out, he will probably get angrier but if you don't rise to it, it'll only be him getting in a ridiculous frenzy. You will take away his power.

It is a destructive relationship that will destroy you, get out now. You will need to be very strong and life will be get harder but it will get better once you disentangle yourself from him. You deserve to be happy, find your strength and take the first steps towards a better and happier life.

Good luck, we're all behind you.

I couldn't have worded a reply better.

Thinking of you Pam

Mandana x

 

[Barb]

My Mum has a saying ' everyday is a day of your life', what she means is it is yours - not someonelses to ruin. In that day you deserve pleasure, appreciation, fun, laughter, happiness, success and contentment. Ok not every day will be full of those things but there should be a good sprinkling. If someone is taking all those good things away from you then you must fight back and get what you deserve - happiness in a world without judgement. I have no experience of what you are going through but I wish you the courage to change it. Love and Hugs

 

[Isobel1965]

My Mum has a saying ' everyday is a day of your life', what she means is it is yours - not someonelses to ruin. In that day you deserve pleasure, appreciation, fun, laughter, happiness, success and contentment. Ok not every day will be full of those things but there should be a good sprinkling. If someone is taking all those good things away from you then you must fight back and get what you deserve - happiness in a world without judgement.

AMEN to that!