I think it's time...

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by Minerva, 16 March 2011 Social URL.

  1. Minerva

    Minerva ...passing through.

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    It's not usual for me to post selfish threads all for myself... But here goes.

    I think a few of you will recognise my name here, I'm sorry I disappeared.. I guess I was ashamed to come back, even though I did lurk around the forum from time to time. I feel so disappointed with myself, all my confidence is gone. It's funny... After having been morbidly obese at BMI 44 and going down to BMI 20... Then regaining back to BMI 31, somehow hits so much harder. On the confidence scale and how I feel when I look in the mirror, I can say, after having tasted that glorious sensation of being 'thin' for the first time in my entire life, now, this BMI 31 feels WORSE than when I was at my biggest. Maybe because it reminds me of so much struggle, of the reason I gained it. Or maybe it's because it's so much harder to let go of that feeling of actual ...self acceptance... I actually liked myself in the end. I miss that...

    After I finished LL/LLLite I did maintain for quite a bit. Maintenance isn't actually that hard once your head is around it. But there came a point exactly a year ago, that it was just all too much. I turned to food because it really did numb the pain, the stress and took away the responsibility of having to deal with everything. I still did it all, I managed to deal with all my problems and obstacles, and yes. It was made easier with those days, weeks lost in the food daze.

    Food doesn't solve anything. I know that. But it made things easier. It just so happened than at a time when I was already getting stressed about my eating (was trying not to eat too little), my grandfather died, I had to move out of a cold and broken flat, not knowing where I'd move to next - then going through the stresses, worries and challenges of BUYING a property (not having any experience either...), and having to juggle mountains of coursework for my Masters with hours of traveltime on the bus everyday. My relationship with my boyfriend was also suffering because I got so locked in my head, I felt completely alone. All of these events happened so sharply, all in the space of about 2 months.
    The grief, the mountain of responsibility and pressure of deadlines broke my brain. It took me so long to recover after it all. Then in September I also forced myself through some brain delirium to deliver a 15,000 word dissertation. I still somehow did all those things, I've proved to myself that I can achieve what I need to, even when the going gets really tough. But something had to give - and it was the diet, the healthy eating that took the dive.

    I'm not making excuses for myself, but, for those months, food somehow gave me a crutch. It was a friend I could rely on to make me feel better. And especially because I suffer from Binge Eating Disorder, I guess it made it worse. I kept struggling with starting, restarting diets every 3 days, but my heart just couldn't cope. The rolling diet restarts have kept on coming and they last longer and longer... I fight the Binge eating and have curbed it down to a point where it's somewhat manageable. It's taken a year to recover though. It's not perfect, but it's a work in progress.

    By now, it's come to the point where I'm ready to take the next step and admit that I just can't do it by myself. I need the class structure that LL provides - because of weekly sessions, I can visualise those as short-term goals. Check-points that I just don't have if I'm on my own. The foodpacks also provide a nice balance - they are nutritionally sound, that way I don't have to think about 3 200-calorie meals for myself and a meal in the evening. They're balanced in their own little packs. I've tried doing the small meal thing, but I can't possibly balance something so small, to make sure I'm getting everything I need on a daily basis. I think I want the guess-work taken out of it. I can calorie count until the cows come home, but at the end of the day - a few weeks down the line I end up living on pain vegetables and a tiny bit of fish because I'm too terried to touch anything else. That's not healthy either.

    So I've booked a session on Saturday with my local LL counsellor to hopefully start LL Lite soon. :)

    I'm also trying a different approach and actually trying to stick to going to the gym 3-4 times per week... Been 4 weeks now and still going strong. :) I feel ready now to take the final step to getting me back to where I want to be. To recover from all the heartache I suffered last year. I don't want to be nearly in tears everytime I look in the mirror. I don't want to be terried of stepping out of my own house. I don't want to feel like a monster everytime anyone looks at me.

    It's time to pick myself up. I know I can achieve what I want to. If I can get over the loss of a grandparent, go through the motions of moving and buying a property and juggling intense studies - receiving a First with Distinction along with the Prize for outstanding achievement... I know I can conquer this. It's an ongoing battle with myself, my monsters and accepting who I am. It's not about the fat. It's about me.

    :)

    Min. xx
     
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  3. LadyT

    LadyT Tough But Sexy X

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    Hey my lovely good to have you around, you dont need me to tell you how great this place is a safe enviroment to get inspiration and motivation from others.

    You took the hardest step acknowledging your feelings and then the second hardest step doing something about it by going back to LL.

    Now you need to learn to love yourself to reach that goal and feel amazing, you know you can do it. Well done on the gym sessions thats fantastic.

    xx
     
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  4. MagdaX

    MagdaX is Magdalicious

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    Hi M!
    Welcome back! :)
    Of course I remember you! Glad to see you on here again.
    I feel your pain. I really do. I've been there.
    Like TBSx said. You've taken the hardest step and decided to come back!
    It will be tough at times but you know you can do it.
    We're all here for you if you need us.
    :)
    Good luck xx.

    Sent from my iPhone 4 using MiniMins
     
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  5. Minerva

    Minerva ...passing through.

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    Thank you both so much. You are both so kind. :)

    The people on this forum are wonderful and always an ongoing source of inspiration and wisdom. Funnily enough I joined it in February 2009, when I started Lite (after doing LL Total for a year) the first time, so I hope it can be an equally helpful resource this time around!


    At least, in good news, I was dreading telling my lovely boyfriend that I had booked a LL information session on Saturday - because last time I brought it up, he suggested I try to do it the conventional way with gym for a few weeks... I did as he said, I got into the swing of going on a regular basis, I am grateful for his input. I guess he didn't want me to go headlong into an 'easy' solution. But the food thing is just ... too stressful at this moment in time. I don't want to have to think about it, worrying what to have next, worrying that I'll over-or-under-do it...
    I took the plunge and told him. He said he was proud of me for sticking to the gym and said he'll support me whatever I decide to do - as long as I stick to exercising! And he's looking forward to the Lighter Life Lite dinners... bless him! I think he missed feeling a little healthier when I was doing it for so long. :D
     
  6. carrieclaus

    carrieclaus Gold Member

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    welcome back minerva, ur diaries and words of wisdom always helped me so id be glad to return the favour. xx
     
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  7. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    Welcome back Min:welcome2:

    Very sorry for your loss, life is hard when you lose a loved one and it takes time to come to terms with the grief and during these times we all do the best we can to cope...
    With all you have been through in the last year you have done extremely well to keep most of your weight off and whilst you are disappointed in yourself which is normal I think you are absolutely fantastic that you did not just throw in the towel and gain it all back on which is easily done.


    I hope you will be very happy in your new home and best of luck with your new restart.

    On top of everything you deserve major Congratulations on your wonderful success on getting a First with Distinction along with the Prize for outstanding achievement:wow::happy096:

    Sometimes out of difficult times comes great inner wisdom and strength and I think you are Blessed now with the knowledge that you can achieve anything you set your mind too!
     
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  8. elizabeth

    elizabeth Silver Member

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    Hey Min! I just posted in your RTM thread a week or so ago, I was wondering how you've been. :)

    First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on getting a First with Distinction!! OMG! :D

    You are amazing, young lady, and don't you forget it. Life has thrown a great deal at you, and you've not just survived, you've achieved. That is fantastic. You have incredible inner resources and should be proud of yourself.

    Now you're ready to get to grips with the food thing again. Good for you. Everything you've learned about yourself in the past will stand you in good stead now.

    Good luck Min and let us know how you're getting on. :)
     
    Last edited: 19 March 2011
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  9. tracyd

    tracyd "I WILL DO THIS"

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    hi Minerva, feel for you as know you really have been through it! ive read lots of your other posts too. but like the other girls have said your back so thats great start......remember we are all here for each other, to support each other. really do wish you the best of luck with your LL lite journey. and send you a very BIG hug xx
     
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  10. Twinny

    Twinny Full Member

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    WOW WOW WOW - well done on your achievements Min. This will be easy for you after that lot and you've taken the hardest step in admitting that you need support...I did the same thing as you only I put back ALL the weight I lost and I have no excuse either

    Well done honey x
     
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  11. Lozz

    Lozz Ready For Change!

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    Hi Min, welcome back, good luck on your journey, another online pal to share thoughts, feelings and frustrations with!!!
    We're all here! :grouphugg:
     
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  12. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Hello Min,
    Welcome home.
    Congratulations on your achievement(s).
    The degree is amazing. I know you studied hard. I hope the pain of the loss of your Grandfather is diminishing a little.
    You have always been so supportive to everyone on here and full of good advice - maybe some of us can be there for you this time.
    Good luck. xx
     
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  13. Minerva

    Minerva ...passing through.

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    Aww I feel all loved and accepted and stuff. :D
    Makes me smile. You're all doing so well, a few faces I recognise and a few I don't, but I look forward to getting to know everyone again!

    I guess I've learnt that our lives are not linear, no matter how much we want them to be. It's never as easy as that... We learn from our mistakes and take away bits of wisdom every time.

    Well done to those nearly there with their goals and wishing the best luck to those starting and restarting... At least, we're not burying our heads in the sand anymore, eh ladies? :D


    Just like Mini's signature says... Keep moving forward, and never give up!

    Right, first thing's first... off to set up a new, clean, fresh blog... *slinks off*
     
  14. goodthingsinsmallpackages

    goodthingsinsmallpackages Full Member

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    Welcome back Minerva, I am looking forward to reading your posts.

    You wont know this but you were a true inspiration to me during my RTM, along with SB and BL. I read all your old threads the week before I started RTM and it helped so so much and made me determind that I could do it and I did....

    Congratulations on your degree too!
     
  15. Julslynne

    Julslynne No pain, no gain

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    OMG. Is binge eating disorder a medical condition? I have been suffering for years with binge eating, battling with my weight, yo yo dieting. I started LL a year ago and was doing really well. I managed to loose 24lbs in 6 weeks and then holidays came and I just let myself go. I was so guilty when I got home that I didn't return to group (biggest mistake) and my eating started to spiral out of control again. I put all my weight back on and was feeling so despondent. Now I have decided to give LL another go and am determined to stay on track. I have got a holiday in 6 weeks and hope by the time I go I will have the right coping mechanisms to stay on track and make the right choices. I know it's hard but we can all do it with help, support and encouragment. I'm having my first weight in next tues. Nervous but excited.

    Good luck to you. Keeping going. We can all do it . Xxx???xxx
     
  16. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

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    Hi there hun!
    so nice to hear from you, I had been worried you were off struggling somewhere! I'm sorry its not been and easy time for you - well done on your distinction tho, fantastic stuff.
    I'm back here too - been ab since monday,really need to shift the 2 i have put on since RTM. have tried everything, but nothing seems to work but this.
    Good luck with your re-start, you know it will work.
    Daisy x
     
  17. Minerva

    Minerva ...passing through.

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    It is not so much a 'medical condition', rather a mental one. It's an eating disorder, as debilitating as annorexia or bulimia, but not recognised as widely as it should be. Some compare it to bulimia but without the 'purge' factor (excessive exercise, days of starvation in between episodes or other methods). Though BED (Binge Eating Disorder) can have an element of starvation/exercise involved it is nowhere near as drastic.
    Good thing is, is that just like any eating disorder it can be 'fixed', worked through and we can recover. We just have to think more actively as to what we are doing on a conscious level. :) Lighter Life definitely gave me the tools to work though it. Listen to the CBT at the sessions, learn to apply it in your everyday life. It's the key to success in maintenance and long-term happiness. Good luck with it! The main thing is to be optimistic! :D


    And hi Daisydoll! I was rather worried about you too, wondering how you've been getting on. :) I'm glad you're tackling your demons too, maybe we can do it together. ;) Lighter Life is a great resource because of the sessions, every week there is someone at the end of it all, holding you accountable (or at least in your head... after all, we're dieting for ourselves, not for the LLC! :D)
    I've been struggling doing it on my own partly because of this reason... I missed the sessions and when you're on your own... The whole dieting somehow feels like it will go on forever, rather than just being able to take it a week at a time! And also the whole not having to plan lots of small and exciting and low-calorie meals... The temptation to add just a tiny bit extra was just ... impossible to resist... but with packs, there is no more guesswork. Yay!
     
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  19. Julslynne

    Julslynne No pain, no gain

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    Thanks Minerva. I will certainly take your advice and stay for the sessions as much as possible. I'm determined to make it through to RTM this time. Good luck to u and take care. juls. Xxxx
     
  20. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    I still go to the Maintenance group almost every week. It keeps me focused. If I'm struggling I can talk things through with LLC and or the rest of the group.
    The way I look at it - if I went to the gym and got fit I would have to keep it up or lose it. If I learnt the piano I would have to keep it up or lose it, same applies here.
    Once you've finished RTM it's free. You only pay if you want to buy some bars or packs.
    Works for me. Good luck Juls. :welcome2:
     
    Last edited: 20 March 2011
  21. Julslynne

    Julslynne No pain, no gain

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    Thanks slendabenda. It means so much to know there are people out there who understand and can empathize with u. The support from this forum is fantastic. Take care Juls. Xxxx
     
  22. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Just realised I typed "look a tit" !!!
    :giggle::giggle::giggle:
    nuff said..............................:D
     
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