Minerva
...we're sinking deeper.
It's not usual for me to post selfish threads all for myself... But here goes.
I think a few of you will recognise my name here, I'm sorry I disappeared.. I guess I was ashamed to come back, even though I did lurk around the forum from time to time. I feel so disappointed with myself, all my confidence is gone. It's funny... After having been morbidly obese at BMI 44 and going down to BMI 20... Then regaining back to BMI 31, somehow hits so much harder. On the confidence scale and how I feel when I look in the mirror, I can say, after having tasted that glorious sensation of being 'thin' for the first time in my entire life, now, this BMI 31 feels WORSE than when I was at my biggest. Maybe because it reminds me of so much struggle, of the reason I gained it. Or maybe it's because it's so much harder to let go of that feeling of actual ...self acceptance... I actually liked myself in the end. I miss that...
After I finished LL/LLLite I did maintain for quite a bit. Maintenance isn't actually that hard once your head is around it. But there came a point exactly a year ago, that it was just all too much. I turned to food because it really did numb the pain, the stress and took away the responsibility of having to deal with everything. I still did it all, I managed to deal with all my problems and obstacles, and yes. It was made easier with those days, weeks lost in the food daze.
Food doesn't solve anything. I know that. But it made things easier. It just so happened than at a time when I was already getting stressed about my eating (was trying not to eat too little), my grandfather died, I had to move out of a cold and broken flat, not knowing where I'd move to next - then going through the stresses, worries and challenges of BUYING a property (not having any experience either...), and having to juggle mountains of coursework for my Masters with hours of traveltime on the bus everyday. My relationship with my boyfriend was also suffering because I got so locked in my head, I felt completely alone. All of these events happened so sharply, all in the space of about 2 months.
The grief, the mountain of responsibility and pressure of deadlines broke my brain. It took me so long to recover after it all. Then in September I also forced myself through some brain delirium to deliver a 15,000 word dissertation. I still somehow did all those things, I've proved to myself that I can achieve what I need to, even when the going gets really tough. But something had to give - and it was the diet, the healthy eating that took the dive.
I'm not making excuses for myself, but, for those months, food somehow gave me a crutch. It was a friend I could rely on to make me feel better. And especially because I suffer from Binge Eating Disorder, I guess it made it worse. I kept struggling with starting, restarting diets every 3 days, but my heart just couldn't cope. The rolling diet restarts have kept on coming and they last longer and longer... I fight the Binge eating and have curbed it down to a point where it's somewhat manageable. It's taken a year to recover though. It's not perfect, but it's a work in progress.
By now, it's come to the point where I'm ready to take the next step and admit that I just can't do it by myself. I need the class structure that LL provides - because of weekly sessions, I can visualise those as short-term goals. Check-points that I just don't have if I'm on my own. The foodpacks also provide a nice balance - they are nutritionally sound, that way I don't have to think about 3 200-calorie meals for myself and a meal in the evening. They're balanced in their own little packs. I've tried doing the small meal thing, but I can't possibly balance something so small, to make sure I'm getting everything I need on a daily basis. I think I want the guess-work taken out of it. I can calorie count until the cows come home, but at the end of the day - a few weeks down the line I end up living on pain vegetables and a tiny bit of fish because I'm too terried to touch anything else. That's not healthy either.
So I've booked a session on Saturday with my local LL counsellor to hopefully start LL Lite soon.
I'm also trying a different approach and actually trying to stick to going to the gym 3-4 times per week... Been 4 weeks now and still going strong. I feel ready now to take the final step to getting me back to where I want to be. To recover from all the heartache I suffered last year. I don't want to be nearly in tears everytime I look in the mirror. I don't want to be terried of stepping out of my own house. I don't want to feel like a monster everytime anyone looks at me.
It's time to pick myself up. I know I can achieve what I want to. If I can get over the loss of a grandparent, go through the motions of moving and buying a property and juggling intense studies - receiving a First with Distinction along with the Prize for outstanding achievement... I know I can conquer this. It's an ongoing battle with myself, my monsters and accepting who I am. It's not about the fat. It's about me.
Min. xx
I think a few of you will recognise my name here, I'm sorry I disappeared.. I guess I was ashamed to come back, even though I did lurk around the forum from time to time. I feel so disappointed with myself, all my confidence is gone. It's funny... After having been morbidly obese at BMI 44 and going down to BMI 20... Then regaining back to BMI 31, somehow hits so much harder. On the confidence scale and how I feel when I look in the mirror, I can say, after having tasted that glorious sensation of being 'thin' for the first time in my entire life, now, this BMI 31 feels WORSE than when I was at my biggest. Maybe because it reminds me of so much struggle, of the reason I gained it. Or maybe it's because it's so much harder to let go of that feeling of actual ...self acceptance... I actually liked myself in the end. I miss that...
After I finished LL/LLLite I did maintain for quite a bit. Maintenance isn't actually that hard once your head is around it. But there came a point exactly a year ago, that it was just all too much. I turned to food because it really did numb the pain, the stress and took away the responsibility of having to deal with everything. I still did it all, I managed to deal with all my problems and obstacles, and yes. It was made easier with those days, weeks lost in the food daze.
Food doesn't solve anything. I know that. But it made things easier. It just so happened than at a time when I was already getting stressed about my eating (was trying not to eat too little), my grandfather died, I had to move out of a cold and broken flat, not knowing where I'd move to next - then going through the stresses, worries and challenges of BUYING a property (not having any experience either...), and having to juggle mountains of coursework for my Masters with hours of traveltime on the bus everyday. My relationship with my boyfriend was also suffering because I got so locked in my head, I felt completely alone. All of these events happened so sharply, all in the space of about 2 months.
The grief, the mountain of responsibility and pressure of deadlines broke my brain. It took me so long to recover after it all. Then in September I also forced myself through some brain delirium to deliver a 15,000 word dissertation. I still somehow did all those things, I've proved to myself that I can achieve what I need to, even when the going gets really tough. But something had to give - and it was the diet, the healthy eating that took the dive.
I'm not making excuses for myself, but, for those months, food somehow gave me a crutch. It was a friend I could rely on to make me feel better. And especially because I suffer from Binge Eating Disorder, I guess it made it worse. I kept struggling with starting, restarting diets every 3 days, but my heart just couldn't cope. The rolling diet restarts have kept on coming and they last longer and longer... I fight the Binge eating and have curbed it down to a point where it's somewhat manageable. It's taken a year to recover though. It's not perfect, but it's a work in progress.
By now, it's come to the point where I'm ready to take the next step and admit that I just can't do it by myself. I need the class structure that LL provides - because of weekly sessions, I can visualise those as short-term goals. Check-points that I just don't have if I'm on my own. The foodpacks also provide a nice balance - they are nutritionally sound, that way I don't have to think about 3 200-calorie meals for myself and a meal in the evening. They're balanced in their own little packs. I've tried doing the small meal thing, but I can't possibly balance something so small, to make sure I'm getting everything I need on a daily basis. I think I want the guess-work taken out of it. I can calorie count until the cows come home, but at the end of the day - a few weeks down the line I end up living on pain vegetables and a tiny bit of fish because I'm too terried to touch anything else. That's not healthy either.
So I've booked a session on Saturday with my local LL counsellor to hopefully start LL Lite soon.
I'm also trying a different approach and actually trying to stick to going to the gym 3-4 times per week... Been 4 weeks now and still going strong.
I feel ready now to take the final step to getting me back to where I want to be. To recover from all the heartache I suffered last year. I don't want to be nearly in tears everytime I look in the mirror. I don't want to be terried of stepping out of my own house. I don't want to feel like a monster everytime anyone looks at me. It's time to pick myself up. I know I can achieve what I want to. If I can get over the loss of a grandparent, go through the motions of moving and buying a property and juggling intense studies - receiving a First with Distinction along with the Prize for outstanding achievement... I know I can conquer this. It's an ongoing battle with myself, my monsters and accepting who I am. It's not about the fat. It's about me.
Min. xx
