Imagine if i wasn't fat
- Thread starter kellierocks
- Start date
kellierocks
Silver Member
I came by once to the site a short time ago, looked around and left. I guess I wasn’t ready to reconnect with Minimins, and I hope you all understand that, I hope you are all doing well, and slowly I will update myself on how you are all doing. I have made some excellent friends here in my virtual life, and I appreciate the support you have always given me.
As for me, life has changed. I am in Canada, in a little town called Banff, within a National Park in the Rockies. It is very beautiful here, I am surrounded by mountains, and I often sit and wonder how evergreen trees can grow right to the top of some of them.
I feel last year, the Marathon opened me up to new learning about what I can do. I did not do it fast nor gloriously, but I did it, and that was all that mattered. Now I am on a journey, well I am not sure exactly the purpose, but I feel it is where I am meant to be.
I still run: the high altitude of 4,800 ft above sea level is supposed to be great training in itself. I appreciate running, both where it brings me and how I feel, more so after than during, but I am trying to enjoy the run while running. This Monday I headed out along a trail I had learned to be safe (bears, cougars, elk). I ran along a river with the forest on the other side rising up to a snow peaked mountain. Determined to go further, I found another forest, and ran in. Mindful, I kept my eyes scanning for wild animals, missing the tree root in my path. Slowly, as if in slow motion, I fell inelegantly to the ground. I guess if you concentrate too much on the big picture you will miss the little things that can trip you up.
My big thing right now is yoga. And I love it. I have become a member of a studio, and aim to get there 4 times a week. Today’s session really hit it home for me. It was my favourite instructor, maybe because she is shorter and more stockier than the others, more muscle than slender. Why are we drawn more to some people rather than others? She read an extract, as she does on Wednesdays: “You will do your best when doing something that you love”.
It struck home for various reasons. I know I am not good at yoga (yet) but I love going. I know in yoga results could be slow but I love going. I know yoga is expensive but I love going. So I will do my best at yoga, whatever my best is, because I love to go. I ran a marathon because I loved the marathon- the training plan, the belief I had to grow that I would be able to do something big. I loved my job, once and I gave it everything, and when the love ran out, I knew it was time to go.
As for the reason we are all here, I am continuing with my marathon philosophy, maybe deepening it. While travelling, food was not as available as it once was- no cooking space, staying in hostels, expensive to eat out, so my eating has become more basic, and I binge less. There have been really tough times of severe homesickness, and a feeling of being totally lost, and I did not buy a big tub of ice –cream (Ben and Jerry’s is cheaper here, but you can get massive Safeway brand vats of ice-cream!). I do not deny myself chocolate- I have discovered Reese’s chocolate covered peanut butter cups, and love them, but only once did I over indulge.
Before I would have told you about Geneen Roth’s “If You Eat At The Refrigerator, Pull Up A Chair”, and I am working on instilling the idea that I can eat any food, and stop when I am full. That when I eat, I enjoy what I am eating. Sadly I have not lost a ton of weight, but I am nearly back at my marathon weight of 11’10 (I’m at 11 12) and that makes me happy with what I am doing. As well, I tend to focus on how I am feeling: bloated, hungry, energetic. I have spent 17 years or more dieting, and I gave it up last year. I just want to be balanced. Sure I’d like to be thin. But apparently when you are thin, you cannot eat pizza washed down with vats of ice cream night after night, and stay thin, or stay happy. Maybe I am here to learn who I am, without food, or much money, with fewer friends, and family far, far away. This is an easier place to be healthy- I am in a national park so everyone is outdoorsy, doing stuff- climbing, hiking, canoeing, biking, even swimming in the cold river! People dress as such, and individuality is more apparent. There are fewer fat people. I always notice that, looking to see if I am the heaviest person in the room. In the gym I am, in running club, I am, in yoga, I am, in work I was, and I did not mind. I am me.
As for me, life has changed. I am in Canada, in a little town called Banff, within a National Park in the Rockies. It is very beautiful here, I am surrounded by mountains, and I often sit and wonder how evergreen trees can grow right to the top of some of them.
I feel last year, the Marathon opened me up to new learning about what I can do. I did not do it fast nor gloriously, but I did it, and that was all that mattered. Now I am on a journey, well I am not sure exactly the purpose, but I feel it is where I am meant to be.
I still run: the high altitude of 4,800 ft above sea level is supposed to be great training in itself. I appreciate running, both where it brings me and how I feel, more so after than during, but I am trying to enjoy the run while running. This Monday I headed out along a trail I had learned to be safe (bears, cougars, elk). I ran along a river with the forest on the other side rising up to a snow peaked mountain. Determined to go further, I found another forest, and ran in. Mindful, I kept my eyes scanning for wild animals, missing the tree root in my path. Slowly, as if in slow motion, I fell inelegantly to the ground. I guess if you concentrate too much on the big picture you will miss the little things that can trip you up.
My big thing right now is yoga. And I love it. I have become a member of a studio, and aim to get there 4 times a week. Today’s session really hit it home for me. It was my favourite instructor, maybe because she is shorter and more stockier than the others, more muscle than slender. Why are we drawn more to some people rather than others? She read an extract, as she does on Wednesdays: “You will do your best when doing something that you love”.
It struck home for various reasons. I know I am not good at yoga (yet) but I love going. I know in yoga results could be slow but I love going. I know yoga is expensive but I love going. So I will do my best at yoga, whatever my best is, because I love to go. I ran a marathon because I loved the marathon- the training plan, the belief I had to grow that I would be able to do something big. I loved my job, once and I gave it everything, and when the love ran out, I knew it was time to go.
As for the reason we are all here, I am continuing with my marathon philosophy, maybe deepening it. While travelling, food was not as available as it once was- no cooking space, staying in hostels, expensive to eat out, so my eating has become more basic, and I binge less. There have been really tough times of severe homesickness, and a feeling of being totally lost, and I did not buy a big tub of ice –cream (Ben and Jerry’s is cheaper here, but you can get massive Safeway brand vats of ice-cream!). I do not deny myself chocolate- I have discovered Reese’s chocolate covered peanut butter cups, and love them, but only once did I over indulge.
Before I would have told you about Geneen Roth’s “If You Eat At The Refrigerator, Pull Up A Chair”, and I am working on instilling the idea that I can eat any food, and stop when I am full. That when I eat, I enjoy what I am eating. Sadly I have not lost a ton of weight, but I am nearly back at my marathon weight of 11’10 (I’m at 11 12) and that makes me happy with what I am doing. As well, I tend to focus on how I am feeling: bloated, hungry, energetic. I have spent 17 years or more dieting, and I gave it up last year. I just want to be balanced. Sure I’d like to be thin. But apparently when you are thin, you cannot eat pizza washed down with vats of ice cream night after night, and stay thin, or stay happy. Maybe I am here to learn who I am, without food, or much money, with fewer friends, and family far, far away. This is an easier place to be healthy- I am in a national park so everyone is outdoorsy, doing stuff- climbing, hiking, canoeing, biking, even swimming in the cold river! People dress as such, and individuality is more apparent. There are fewer fat people. I always notice that, looking to see if I am the heaviest person in the room. In the gym I am, in running club, I am, in yoga, I am, in work I was, and I did not mind. I am me.
Kellie - so lovely to have you back in our little virtual world - WOW Canada (bears!!!) that is a long way away except on here. Glad you are on a new path with the yoga, I did some last week and quite enjoyed it but enjoy more energetic stuff more, maybe one day I will go back to it and have another go. Well done on getting (almost) back to your marathon weight - and for laying off the vats of ice cream too!
Keep in touch xxxx
Keep in touch xxxx
kellierocks
Silver Member
Numbers aside, I want to remind myself, why it is that being in control of my eating is important.
Firstly, binge eating does not make me happy. Ice-cream is delicious, pizza is yummy, but binge eating is not about enjoying food; it's about piling food in my mouth for reasons other than hunger and taste. I am not living my best life, I am in hiding.
Secondly, my mother. She worries about it, I can see it. Extra weight does not help any health issue, so why not take a prevantative measure now, not later when it's at crisis point.
Thirdly, I feel better when I am eating well, more energetic, more likely to get stuff done and more time to those things I love like yoga and writing and reading.
My goal is to enjoy food but not have food my master. I want nourishment and nutrition. I want to enjoy life, and that means being free of obsessions.
Firstly, binge eating does not make me happy. Ice-cream is delicious, pizza is yummy, but binge eating is not about enjoying food; it's about piling food in my mouth for reasons other than hunger and taste. I am not living my best life, I am in hiding.
Secondly, my mother. She worries about it, I can see it. Extra weight does not help any health issue, so why not take a prevantative measure now, not later when it's at crisis point.
Thirdly, I feel better when I am eating well, more energetic, more likely to get stuff done and more time to those things I love like yoga and writing and reading.
My goal is to enjoy food but not have food my master. I want nourishment and nutrition. I want to enjoy life, and that means being free of obsessions.
kellierocks
Silver Member
I ate 4 chocolate chip cookies and a bowl of popcorn and a glass of pure, unadulterated coca-cola last night. I'm not sure why, but it feels like I am out of sync, that I have been for a while now and I am trying to work out, what is wrong. There is nothing wrong with that, on it's own, but I know it was a binge, it was like a child doing something out of badness, to get a reaction.
Sometimes I wonder, what is my binge eating hiding? What is my real problem?
Perhaps I am just lazy.
Sometimes I wonder, what is my binge eating hiding? What is my real problem?
Perhaps I am just lazy.
xxx
