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Imagine if i wasn't fat

I've been fat all my life.

No, that's not true, of my 6 siblings, I was born the smallest.at 28 years old, i've been teh heaviest since I was 8 years old. That's 20 years too many. I don't know why. My mum said i hated walking home from school. I know i prefered tv and books to games and sports. Maybe it became a cycle,my putting on weight making me want to saty in adn comfort eat. When i was a teenager i used to eat gigantic bowls of cornflakes for supper. I can't remember over eating a lot but I must have.

In a diary from when i was 11, in a notebook i won at school, i write about wanting a pair of jeans and my mum taking me to buy some. It was very hard to get a pair that fit, and of course they had to be turned up. I was fat and short. I started dieting then, always failing.

When i look back, I wonder what kind of person would I have been if I hadn't been fat. Its a scary thought.

Today I'm training for a marathon. i'm still fat, I'm choosing to live life rather than ignore it. Imagine if I could go back to the 11 year old me and tell her about me. Tell her that one day a man will tell her she is beautiful and sexy, that she will be in a job she loves, she will ahve great friends, adn that she is running a marathon. Do you think it would have saved tears adn heartache, and perhaps, stopped the vicious cycle of diet and weight gain?

So what would the older me tell the current me? Imagine if i wasn;t fat now, how would i live my life? In this mindset, I'm going to keep a diary of the next 8 months. Its just for me, but if anyone else wants to help me out or give me advice or just read my ramblings, please do.

And if any of you have 11 year olds who think they are fat, please tell them they are beautiful. often. and mean it.
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This week I have 3 lbs on. Not a shocker considering Thursday to Sunday I was eating a lot and not exercising at all (working). Isn't it amazing how quickly I cna put it on?

I have made a decision. I am not going to stress it. I am back running(at 8pm last night which is a rarity for me) and in the gym this morning. I have porridge cooking as I write this. Thin people put a little weight on and take it off all the time.

I know myself when I think like a fat person, I am a lazy, idle loafer. I think it doesn't matter if I don't go out and sit at home and eat- sure I'm fat anyway. Chinese, ice-cream, pizza, bread, pasta, popcorn, chocolate. I slob around and watch tv, dvd boxsets of friends or sex and the city or the west wing.

If i wasn't fat, I would not waste my time sitting in vegetating.

If I was thin today, I would get up, exercise and then put my make -up on. I'd have a good healthy breakfast. And I'd hit the beach- its looking (fingers crossed) like a beautiful day and I can study on a beautiful beach as well as my kitchen table. I'd say hello to people, not avoid them.

If I was thin, I'd wear a swimsuit and walk in the sunshine across the beach. I live in a gorgeous sea side village, where many have bough holiday homes. I have it for free, so I may as well get good use out of it.

If my thoughts- affect my feelings -affect my behaviour, then I can change my life around my interrupting one of those. The easiest way to dfo this is to write it. It is re-reading old diaries telling me I'm fat that breaks my heart, so I'm going to do it the other way. I'll concentrate on the good stuff and imagine I wasn't fat.

Today could be a really good day.
I think I' a very odd person.

Today I had a wonderful day. I lay outside in the sun. I played with my nieces. Ate out with my sister and walked the beach. Met a friend for a walk tonight. And studied for my exam on Friday. I was happy.

And yet, I'm now feeling really low. I feel like a sadness has just crept over me and I'm trying to work it out. Usually I just fall into this pit, maybe with some ice cream or carbs (like pasta and pesto and cheese- yum).

Tonight, I'm trying to suss it out.

I'm movng from my beloved apartment next weekend. 12 days and I will no longer live here. I decided to ahnd in my notice because friends of mine are trying to rent their house but they have no takers. They offered it to me for 6 months at 220 less than this place. And given that I may be reduntant soon enough, I can't turn that down.

My apartment has been my home for 2 years. It is full of my stuff. It is full of memories. I thought if I won the lotto I would buy it. It felt like mine.

I will honestly miss this place so much. I feel like I beliong here.


Maybe sometimes thin people feel sad saying goodbye too.
I had an exam today, and as it is very far away, I stayed with my sister yesterday and studied there. I headed out for a walk, and started running. I ran 10km, the route she and I ran 2 years ago as part of the 10k run there. I was delighted- it was blazing heat and I had no water but I did it and did it quite comfortably. My legs hurt, but hurt less than before. I can feel myself getting fitter!

Step by step....
My plan is to concentrate on speed ttrainign between now and the 10k race on My 2nd- 2 weeks to go!!

I thought this would be a hard week given that I'm studying and when i was in college I always munched when studying but I've actually exercised more (prefer exercise to study-how things change). I've ran Monday, wednesday adn thursday, walked twice on Tuesday, done spin and circuits, and body conditioning. I'm happy with me week!

Wow, a good week. Now for a good (nad healthy) weekend.....
Lazy Saturday Mornings

Its Saturday morning and I am awake drinking lemon and ginger tea. One of the things I did to help me keep up the gym in the morning is to always awake at the same time- around half six ish, regardless of whether it is a rest day. That way I know i'll not be too tired to get up adn its working- I am always awake. Even if I'm not gyming it, it is fabulous to take 2 hours before work for some serious me time!
This morning I stayed in bed to half 7, which for me is a sleep in. And then I sneekily weighed myself (WI is tuesday) and I am down to 13 stone! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I was supposed to be that by the 4th April and wasn't, so here's hoping (not that hope ever achieved anything by itself) that it stays off to the official WI!

During the week, a girl I think is gorgeous- as in beautiful person plus perfect figure complained about putting on 3 lbs over the weekend, despite doing 3 5mile runs. She was raging with herself. While I didn't add "so did I" I did say to her that 3lbs over a weekend is nothing and could be off in a week
when it goes on that fast. Learning to self: don't kick yourself for putting on 3 lbs, thin girls can do it too even when they are trying hard.

I have a wedding to go to this evening, adn I still don;t know what to wear. I am looking a little better in my clothes, but I still ahve not had the need to throw any, (barr the ones I should never have bought cos they're hideous regardless of whether I'm fat or not). I can't wait until I go back to the attic and route out the box marked "skinny clothes". Its been 3-4 years since i was skinny (at that i was 11 stone, so not quite skinny) and I hope to get their again before the end of summer......

Anyway the wedding. i decided not to bring anyone- who would i ask? plus it means not needing to mind anyone, and be free and open to meet others. My best mate is bridesmaid, adn I'm friends with all her sisters BUT will they be free for me to hang around with? So weeeeee bit concerned. On the up side I am getting my hair done- Hair and shoes, the fat girl's best friends!

Oh big event last night (my life is limited!) - i was having an extra treat after dinner- I'd had salmon and noodles which i feel is super healthy (I was in WW before and so i can calculate the points value of everything years later!) so I had crackers with nutella- I was bold and made 5 but I could only eat half. this may not sound like much, but trust me, my leaving half my food behind me is massive. It really is what a thin me would do.......:superwoman:
Saturday evening and I'm half ready to head to an evening wedding reception. My hair is done, my dress is ready, and yet i feel like i'd prefer to sit here and watch sex and the city adn drink wine. I shall not let a good hairdo go to waste however.

I ate a big dinner, it was beautiful- chicken curry a la jamie oliver. But why did i have to eat so much of it. Overall I don't mind'cos I barely had time to eat today, but still pot belly is not a good look before big night out.

Do thin girls analyse their food intake like this? actually yes they do! My sister told me about a very skinny girl who refused to go out last week cos she felt bloated. Oh good, now I don't feel so bad, and as we felt when we heard that, I will go out. Bloated is no reason to let life pass me by. My friends are waiting, my life is waitng. Ok I've picked myself up, time to start the make-up.
The morning after the night before. It was a nice night, probably the wedding at which I knew the least people but did a lot of dancing, and enough drinking (wine).
So I came home and think i texted every male in my phone- Why???? and surprisingly the boxer texted back- first time in a very very very long time, and a very interesting and maybe slightly naughty conversation ensued. He's like marla- I don't know what to make of him........
OMG , the boxer has just left. We had some very nice texts today adn eventually (i don't know who started the conversation in this way) he called around, his stomach is more ribbed than last year!! Hot stuff indeed. SO we had a few nice kisses and hugs and talked. He actually opened up about something very personal. AAAAAAHHHHH what a great way to spend a sunny afternoon!

He actually had his hand on my stomach. My fat lumpy bumpy stomach. And did not pull away in disgust. Wow. I wonder what he makes of my fatness, given his physique (he works out like 6 times a week and works as a coach too). Ah bliss. There is nothing more therapeutic than touch!
As i sit and savour the last of my Sunday evening, grinning from ear to ear from the lovin received earlier, I'm watching the Sex and the City movie. Samantha put on 15lbs and it was a big deal. 15 lbs- Big Deal. I love Jennifer Hudson in this, she has a massive presence and its utterly beautiful- probably the character that I would most like to be.

What is happiness about, cos I'm quite certain its not about being fat or thin, rather more of how we feel and respond to being fat or thin?

If life is created of the little things, the small things that make it all worthwhile the smile from a stranger, a phonecall from a friend, finding a tenner in your jeans pocket (especially the jeans that fit again after you lost a stone) is there a way that I can help create these moments rather than leave them up to fate? Can I happy- proof my life?

Thinking of this afternoon, I know it is highly unlikely anything will happen between me and Boxerboy. It didn't before and nothing has changed, well not on my side anyway. I wanted more, but actually never told him I wanted more. So should I avoid him to escape hurt? I don't think so. If I can accept that the spontaneous meet this afternoon was just that- a one off, I can enjoy the moment for what it was. Instead of building in expectations, especially those that are the socially conditioned ones, I want to learn to savour those chance meets and opportunities when they happen, be that an afternoon with a beautiful man, an occasional slice of cake shared with a friend over lunch, a late night on a work night just to catch up with someone.

Instead of analysing, reflecting and worrying, I'd like to just enjoy.
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So back at work after a very relaxing study week. I took the 2 students out to lunch, had massive but yummy lunch myself and after the run this evening, just had a yoghurt and banana, cos I wasn;t really hungry. I'm hungry now but its 10pm so I can just wait! That may be bad but I don;t care. Its very rare for me, and what is teh point in eating just before bed.

Definately feeling fitter, we did the same run we did about 6 weeks ago, the first time our team ran together, but this time we did it twice! and instead of huffing and puffing, i was pushing it. Now, i was the slowest out of the 4 that turned up (where the hell was everyone tonight?!), but i allowed them the satisfaction I have when I know i'm not last, and I managed to push myself closer to them but the last time around they did get a good bit ahead. On Boxerboy's advice I took a hot bath after to relax the muscles (unusual for a man to tell a woman to go for a hot bath) and it was very very good.

Tonight, and over the past couple of weeks, I keep asking ppl how I can run faster. It hit me. If i was as light as they were I could go faster. I'm running with 13 stone of weight, some of them are running with 8 or 9, 10 max i'd say. I'm by far the heaviest. if i wasn't as fat....This is not a moan, this is just stating logistics. We all need to analyse our runs so this is my learning. I will not beat myself up. All i can do is deal with what I have.

And this is a good thing. It gives me hope. I'm losing about half a stone a month on average i figure. So by November, I could possibly (taking into account a reduced loss as I become lighter) realistically be 10 stone, running with 42 lbs less and so quicker....That's over quarter of my body weight- could that make me 25% faster??? sounds good to me. (i do love my calculations)

And when I do the marathon, I want every fat teenager to know, fat ppl can be very very fit too.

WI tomorrow morning................
Good morning and what a beautiful morning it is- I have lost 6 lbs (which includes the 3lbs gained last week).

I have finally dropped below 13 stone and reached and passed my first goal.
I do enjoy getting mathematical about losing weight. I have 8 weeks to reach my next goal- 12 stone, so thats 12 lbs- 1.5 a week for the next 8 weeks. Ok that is possible with a good constant weight loss. Fingers crossed.

This morning is also a morning off from the gym- tomorrow is another hard day so I'm resting my legs, without feeling guilty. This decision was taken before I got on the scales so I'm not being fickle because I've lost.

So i am lying in bed typing and listening to radio one, having a nice cup of lemon and ginger tea. :bliss:

Last night I was trying on some outfits for work and a skirt from last summer is actually really loose on me. On one hand a shame cos its a lovely skirt. On the other hand, I'm losing weight!!!!3 more days of work and then one month off!

My line manager is coming into meet me, I'm wondering if there's news on my contract. If there was good news, she would have told me. So perhaps its not good... Ok i'm ruining my buzz.:mad:
My rest day is nearly at an end. Back to circuits tomorrow and a run tomorrow evening- yippee. Kind of missed it, but hopefully my shins will be better!

So i went to visit my new house. (renting not buying before anyone mistakes that, but cna i just say, ppl who move into rented accomodation need a little congrats too- moves are stressful, even without the mortgage)

Anyway, I've softened up more towards the move. It's goign to be a beautiful home, and it has plenty of storage space! I have deided that come tomorrow evening, after my run, I am going to focus completely on it. How fast can i empty a kitchen, a sitting room, 2 bedrooms, a linen cupboard and a laundry? Can i get it done in 2 evenings?If I can get it all out by Thursday evening, my darling mum could come help me clean this one! I want to leave it in pristine condition, a credit to how much I loved living here for 2 years and 5 days.

The new me (the imagine I'm not fat me) is dealing quite well with things right now. I have 2 days at work before 4 weeks off and instead of stressing, I ma being proactive and getting things done, but not compromising healthy eating nor exercise to do this. Also , the 4 weeks i'm taking is annual leave i have to take cos I could be unemplyed in June- yet I am taking this day by day and not allowing the meaning of that to affect who I am. I will deal with it when it comes, adn if it does, I'm hardly the first unemployed person.

Running is a fantastic happy tool.

Here's to never seeing 13 stone or more again!
Tonight I'm in my apartment, probably for the last time.
Most of my stuff barr my bed and my food is in teh new house, where I'm moving (renting not buying but still- big for me)

I feel disconnected, and I am hoping that teh new cheaper place works out for me and at the end I'll have as many great memories as I've had here. Say a prayer for me?

Tomorrow is my last work day before a month off work- wow! cannot wait, adn somehow it doesn't seem long enough. I shouldnt say that tho cos there is a strong chance my contract will end in June, adn tehn its a very very long vacation for me!

I know I ate too much today (part stress, part very hungry) but nothing compared to how I used to overeat. Also, because I concentrated on packing this morning and evening I didn;t exercise and I'm a bit concerned.

But if I wasn't fat I probably wouldnt stress it as much, i'd trust that when I have time next I'd be off running again. im meeting a mate tomorrow for a run, so i should calm down.

I never want to see 13 st again though, so I want to put distance as soon as possible between it and me.
well broadband has been set up at last, and I have time to sit and write. The new place is ok, i prefer my old apartment but 50e extra a week in my pocket sugar coats the pill.

I've trained really hard in the past week, since last monday. I;ve done at least one thing a day, even just yoga on a day before a big run, and my eating has been fab. I feel great healthwise, and with teh help of a very clever little vest i bought in Penneys last night i wore jeans and a vest out- and it actually looked good! Think yesterday adn today was the first time i really felt- !yes i'm losing weight".

I ran the 10k in 64 mins, I timed it myself becuase i invested in a very very good sports watch, and was glad i did as the end line got pretty messed up. I was aiming for under 65 but in my heart i want to do it in under 60. Anyway, my very tall, thin friend did 7 miles today in 65 so i'm not feeling too bad, if she can do that with those legs and her ex army boyf running with her, then I'm happy. That's what i need someone running along side me driving me on. I feel like I don't push myslef hard enough. Also, I wonder, will i be able to get faster simply by losing weight and thus have more power with less fat to run around in?

LAst night i went out with 2 mates, and this morning i left their house at 8, drove home, ate breakfast and went to teh gym for over 2 hours- i think that shows dedication! proud of myself for that. tomorrow is WI and its looking good!
WI day
I have lost 2 lbs. Since the 30th March, I have lost 8lbs. within that 8lbs, i thin I gained twice- so put on a total of 8lbs, losing 16lbs total- madness. I know that the weight i put on came off easily because i dealt with it right away. However, it's fair to admit it was not my greatest month.

It will be interesting to see if I can keep up my healthy last week for teh next 3 weeks that I am off work. I am lying in bed writing this, debating to do a hard fast run today, my legs are tired and I am tempted to take the day off .... am I being lazy or sensible?? I can never tell!

I was planning to go visit a friend for a few days, but I'm not sure I will. Again, its probably laziness, but part of em just wants to stay in my own house and do simple things. I feel so relaxed right now, its amazing, work seems another world away. I got a letter on Friday from my employer saying my contract will run out in 6 weeks, so I have a big phone call to make to my line mananger to double check that the approval we were waiting for has been rejected. I feel scared when i dwell on it. I'm not rolling in money, but my job affords me to ahve a nice life, to enjoy things. the thought of living on under 200e for the next 12 months or whatever fills me with dread, and I am so uncertain about job opportunities- do any exist anymore, and what can I even do??
I would love a sports massage! I'm so proud of myself for spending 2 hours in the gym yesterday, after a night out, but my body does hurt.
Exercise or rest, I cannot decide.

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