Imagine if i wasn't fat

Its nearly 10 am and I am lying in bed.
I had herbal tea and an apple, read a book and am slowly coming to life. I am now 2 weeks into my 4 week time off work. Bliss.

I did circuits yesterday morning, and a 9k run last night, adn today I do feel it. My shoulders, my thighs are heavy, and I have a painful blister on the sole of my foot- probably from so many long runs this past week.

I'm still not sure if I'm taking today off, I may go for a walk later. I know teh next 2 weeks will be hard as I ahve a lot of little trips away, and i will be away from the gym adn my routine.

I can feel my body getting smaller- there is now a noticable drop in the size of my tummy, which is just fantastic. (this has also been helped my a magic vest that pulls in my love handles and makes my jeans and vest look much better!)In about a month or 6 weeks, I know there are things I will be fitting into again, including a red vest that I can wear with my trackie bottoms to the gym that looks class. I should have measured myslef at the beginning to see how many inches I am losing, I'll just have to go on my own perception of it.

As part of my holiday treats, I went to see 3 films in teh past week, Dear John, Blindside and Its A Wonderful Afterlife. And I had a treat at each- flavoured water which I really enjoy,and popcorn- I bought the healhty cheap variety beforehhand and was amazed last night- i brought 2 bags but actually only ate one! (73 calories) . What is surprising these days is actually how little I am eating- not in a strict way but I had no lunch on Tuesday but instead, 3 bags of popcorn at teh cinema (220 cals) rather than both.
Yesterday I had quite a large lunch, did a 9 k run, and just had 2 weetabix when I came in. I am not hungry. I am eating lots of fruit and veg, adn have cut down on coffee as it contributes to my having to go to the toilet which isnt good when I'm running!

I've stopped keeping a food diary- maybe I should start agaan given that my routine is out of whack for the next 2 weeks? May help.

I am starting to forget that I am fat. With so much time thinking and talking about running, from sore shins and calves to speeding up, to running hills, it takes away from teh "Oh I am so fat"thoughts. As well, with so much exercise, I just feel better and healthier.

I wonder will I ever be able to say that i do not need to imagine I'm not fat, that one day maybe I will no longer be fat? Somehow, I think, regardless of my size, I will have "fat" days and "thin" days, and its about making sure to get as many thin days as possible.
 
Advice required

Did what happened really just happen??:confused:

Boxer boy came around and we talked. We talked about how he does not want a relationship with anyone, I talked about how that was very obvious. We had sex. Good nice sweet sex. But as he said himself "booty call".(We were looking for the proper defination of what this was) It was very much my choice. This guy is a good guy, honest sweet, and actually quite innocent in a lot of ways.

My head is all over the place. I think a lot regardless. This is like petrol on the flames. I knew he did not want a relationship, it is obvious in the nature of our communication. It is mostly me who contacts him, so he is not leading me up the garden path.

It is 2010 and feminism and sexual freedom and expression are part of my culture. Should I be enjoying this? enjoying the body of a very good looking athlete, who enjoys my body and my massive tummy and big thighs....

or should i be running away, shouting how dare you.

Am I selling myself short?
And does this kind of thing, done very discreetly, hurt my reputation in finding "the one"?

Do I regret it? Or is it more that I am conditioned to believe good girls dont do things like that, fat or thin ones?!
Please note: he is the best kisser ever.

Help!(It has however stopped me obsessing about food!)
 
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Still thinking

:needhug:I texted a male friend. I don't want to tell my female ones. That says a lot doesn't it.He told me I'm overthinking and its only a fling. Simple? Men!

I'm trying to get my head around what I want and what I need.

I feel like I'm not good enough for him. That if I was thinner and sportier, sexier and funnier, then he'd have wanted a relationship. I'm hurt. Yeah I think that's it. I'm hurt.But I did know by letting him into my life in that way, without proper dates and no consistent communication, I knew I would end up hurt. So in the end I only have myself to blame.

He is a lovely guy, genuinely. This is not me sticking up for the man who is hurting me- he is just being honest. Its up to me to decide how I want to be treated

Let me tell you about him, he is about 5 8 I;d say, quite skinny- lighter than me, with very nice muscles- I counted his 6 pack. He has to keep his weight under i think its 10 4 because of teh fighting. He has bad teeth, but a brilliant smile and big eyes. He was a bit of a bad boy but started boxing, and from there he changed. Very dedicated. He gave up being a mechanic to be a self employed window cleaner that allowed him work when he wanted to fund the boxing. He is now on a back to work scheme running his own gym. He wouldn't be very intelligent in the academic sense, is an awfully bad speller. He's very relaxed, down to earth and cute. Pillow fights and rolling about that kind of thing.
He definately is not very sexually motivated- not like a typical man!

I know its time to walk away. Delete his name and number and all old texts. Smile if I see him out, and walk away. For someone who was barely in my life, why am I crying that he won't be in it again. I am so stupid.:cry:
 
Getting my priorities straight

Ok well today the focus is fully back on Marathon Training. In 3 weeks, I have a 10k that is all uphill and downhill- sheer hell, so I'm building in hills to my training, adn OMG was it tough today- It wasn't even that steep. I think this kind of running should really help weightloss cos it is more difficult that speed work- I only did 6 k, but it took about 50 mins!

I'm really happy to be back into training, and I'm glad I could take a 5 day break (it was only meant to be 4) and get back into it.

Boxer boy texted last nite. It was nice that he did, just a very simple message saying he hoped I had fun. I am away to an island today (best place for me) where a friend is working for the week- and then I'll probably be going to visit a friend who lives a few hours away, adn before I know it I'll be back at work and back to routine, and I'll think of him less. I know I should stay away, but he is a very hot, very sweet boy!!!!

I went to a lifecoaching thing last night- it was actually a fundraiser for my marathon. I realised that i can not ignore that I am upset and worried about what my future holds (contract may run out in June, or December) . I need to accept this sadness to move past it and learn to accept there are things beyond my control and all my worrying does nothing to help that.

I realised that is why I'm loving the marathon training, It keeps my mind on somehting I can control, something fixed with definate steps. It allows me to lose weight without obsessing over points or calories. I am so grateful that I have it.

Do you all know what you want to be when you grow up? I'm 28 and still clueless:confused:
 
i really enjoyed your diary, i hope you find everything you are looking for in life.
good luck on your journey
 
On the island, we had sky- imagine!!there I thought we would be cut off from civilisation, and instead we drank wine watching sex and the city all evening.

So now, I am in SATC overload. And I can't help but wonder.....

What if I just pursued a sexual relationship with the boxer? Would it be so wrong? And maybe not just the boxer? Why not?

Can women ever just sh*g and go?
 
I'm fat and bloated. I have spent 3 days eating and eating and eating and drinking.

I need to cop on. I have a sore throat but its not that bad, I should be forcing myself to the gym. I hate feeling like this.

I cleaned my room, changed my sheets, had a long bath and moisturised- its my way of making me connect with my body. So tomorrow 9 am i will be in the gym for 2 hours. Its my last week off work and I need to make teh most of it. Plus I am determined to at least STS next tuesday.

I am so looking forward to seeing 11 stone somethign one day, and if I stay "good" that can be within 4 weeks. I never want to see 13 st on the scales ever again.

Why do i f8ck things up for myself???
 
While I haven't overeaten, I definately have eaten too much. I did do 50 mins in the gym today, and a George Clooney lookalike said hello- nice!

I'm trying to work out Boxerboy but I cannot work him out - totally messing with my head. AHHHHHHH

Why can't I find a good man who I can love and who loves me in return!!
 
love reading your diary hun. Men are confusing at times. i seem to have a guy who is interested in me but im not in him, and the guys i like dont even give me a second look
 
So totally true Ria.

Last night Football Fella rang me 7 times at 4am. He was definately looking for a booty call, (I have not seen him in like 2 years, actually 3) . I ignored it all. Not because I'm chaste and pure, or some may say "respect" myself (don't quite agree with that, as long as both are consenting adults chosing without pressure)

When drunk, he is selfish in bed, so why bother??

Farmer, a guy who is into me but not vice versa was going with me to teh cinema last night but he had car trouble. I am not using him, he is very well aware I am not interested in a relationship with him, and he genuinely just wants some1 to go the cinema with.

Boxerboy eventually texted, and I tried to seduce him, big fat failure- I just got bored so I am kicking him to the kerb (I hope- the devil makes work for idle thumbs)

And Nosey (trust me he is) I am just ignoring his texts, cos he is so not my type adn I ahve told him that I am not interested.

So what does all this ay about me? Why can't I get one guy who I like and he likes me back??Can it just be because I am fat?

Well I am on my last week of holidays so I am going to train hard! Can i lose half a stone in one week? I am definately 4 lbs on this week!!
 
I need to rant. I need to vent and get it out of my system.

My ex-landlord texted today, to say that he would need to deduct from my deposit money to clean stains out of teh carpet. and that he was away on hols and couldn't deal with it til next monday

Firstly how unprofessional, this is abusiness arrangemnet and you do not send a text like that and leave it for a week.

Secondly what a heep of crap- I replied "Absolutely Not". Explained that I had cleaned the apartment when I moved in 2 years ago- it had been a mess (and obv he had not checked before last person moved out- i.e. stains could be hers)
I left it spotless leaving (barr the oven, as he had not cleaned it for me coming in)

I put a tablecloth on teh table, seatcovers, and a throw on the couch, protecting them (Actually more to look good- but did protect them 2!) and moved the rug to the main carpet as it was very worn, and thats where most activity took place (not much carpet in teh palce- mostly wood)

I am utterly raging at him, I was a fantastic tenant for 2 years. ink I'm actually very hurt 2.
 
Who is the person I want to be?

I have just watched SATC the movie. After Big jilts her at the alter, that's when I fall in love with it. I've never had a great love, and yet I know that feeling of rejection. Am I alone in this?

I love the scene where Carrie rushes to Miranda in time for New Years and says "You are not alone". I think those are the best 4 words ever. I don't mean in the romantic sense. Right now, I feel I would be quite fine staying single. However, I do think that by the time you're 60 you may need someone, but maybe there will be a 60 year old man for me then!!

Watching SATC series- Carrie in France, seeing the Eiffel tower and being so happy- would anyone else been able to share that? Sometimes as we sit in front of an open fire (as I am now!) or walk along a beautiful beach (yesterday!) we imagine having a loved person beside us, but you know what? I don;t think a 30 year old man would appreciate, let alone be able to share how beautiful these experiences are.

I have realised something else. I think I would be happy if my contract ended in 3 weeks. (currently there is an appeal from my Department to keep me for another 6 months) I could take the redundancy adn start somehting new. I think its time for me to move, and I know I am too scared to jump. A good shove out the door with a small pot of redundancy pay may help me see where my next step should be. I its time for something different, to take a risk, to see what this life has in store next. How exciting and how scary!

I made another discovery- love songs on bbc2 is available on the iplayer- class! reception in my new p[lace is dodgy adn I haven;t been here to hear it recently- but here it is on a wet Tuesday evening and I ma getting my dose of Sunday feel good sounds!!


So moving on to the title of my entry. At a thing last week, I said I wish I knew what I want to be when I grew up. Two of my role models replied. One said, I hope you never grow up to find out, that there is so much more enjoyment in not.
The other said that she concentrates, not on what but on who she wants to be. Every day she decides who she wants to be.

This really struck with me. When I think about being fat and binge eating, I know there are days in my head that I am fat and these are days when I get fatter. There are days I am not fat in my head, these days I eat well and exercise.

people, do you know who it is you want to be?

Who do I want to be? I want to be happy, I want to help other ppl be happy, be the best they can be, I want to love (not just the romantic kind), I want to connect with my world. I wnat to be intelligent! I want to be kind. How can I be this???
 
A new experience?

I am just out of a hydro pool- for those of you who don't know what that is- its like a tall bath tub, filled with cold water with added bath salts to work on ur muscles, u stand up in it and the jets are turned on.

I am freezing
I am in bed with my clothes on and still shaking. The blood is very slowly returning to my body.:eek:

It was the weirdest experience ever- apparently its better than massage on ur muscles and after being to teh gym TWICE already today I thought it would be a good idea.
Still shaking here!!!

I'd prefer the massage!!!:cool:
 
This is off topic but something that is in my heart today. I live a short distance from Derry. I have grown up with Bloody Sunday, the legacy. Today is abig day. I am Catholic, from a mixed community, with many friends from a unionist perspective. It is not about vengeance, but that the truth is out, that innocent people have been exhonorated, gives me hope. It reminds me of what is important, and how grateful I should be for the life I lead- at peace, free from fear for my very safety.
In war, truth is the first victim.
 
Ok so it is twenty weeks to go until the New York Marathon.
26.2 miles and €1000 of fundraising.

Some people do Atkins, some Slimming World, Xenical, Alli or Weight Watchers. I am doing Marathon. Its got some great food- I eat often and healthy, plenty of carbs and protein and those vital fats, but I do need to reduce dairy and caffeine before runs. Exercise is definately tougher than on those other plans. I run 4/5 times a week, do a spin class and 2 weight sessions. I ma running around 25 miles right now, adn in teh next few weeks that is going to grow a lot.

This diet suits those who are fed up looking at their weight, who wants to accomplish something big and maybe slightly a glory hunter!

It may turn out to be for the criminally insane.

Today I clocked up 5.4miles with my new training buddy Jo. It took us under the one hour mark and I am truly impressed- to the point i wonder if it really was 5.4 miles.
I'm glad I ran, after 4 days of in Northern Norway (half way between Norwegian mainland and North Pole!) I needed a kick start again.

20 weeks and one big dream. Can I achieve the greatest goal ever? I am so confident that I will make it, I am willing it from the very essence of my soul. If I, the fat girl all my life can run a marathon, then I am not lazy, I am not stupid, but powerful and athletic. If I the fat girl, can run a marathon, than anything is possible. ANYTHING.

And dreams coming true is bigger than any weight loss.
 
Well, to ease my inner critic, I went and clocked the route- not 5.4 but 4.8- should I tell my ruuning mate who always runs it and had clocked it at over half a mile further? On the plus isde, my 7 mile route form last week turned out to be 7.6- yeahhhhhhh! so all balanced out.

I now have, from my house, (close enough to) a 4 miler, a 5 miler, a 6 miler, a 7 miler, and an 11 mile. Not bad.
 
How did that happen?

I got on the scales this morning, just like every Tuesday. I considered going to teh gym first but figured that was cheating, that this morning's gym counts towards next week's weight.

Stepping on I wondered if I'd dropped some more overnight, being 12 7 last night after giving blood. Now do not worry I am not getting extreme, I give blood about 3 times a year, when the mobile service visits my town.

I had accepted I would have gained, having enjoyed pick n mix and chocolate and a 3 course meal and lots of bread while I was away. I was ok with it.

So I am absolutely delighted to be 12 5 again- I have STAYED THE SAME! How did that happen? With just one run and a blood donation I am back down to my same weight. WOW! :happy036:

I do love it when my body does good stuff all by itself. I have to admit though, taking the focus of weight loss and putting it on running has really helped me. How can I despise my body when it keeps going for 2 and a half hours around beautiful trails in the forest or goes a little faster on 16 laps around the track? Yes I have fat thights but those fat thighs push my legs harder and harder on those 400m sprints. My stomach looks like a man's beer belly but when I put teh right stuff in it gives my body that little extra energy to make those runs a little easier.

Well done body, and well done on STS!;)
 
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