Imagine if i wasn't fat
- Thread starter kellierocks
- Start date
jorichards
New Member
Kellie's diary
Awesome diary Kellie. You have a great sense of humour, honesty and you are tenacious. Congratulations on your achievements so far and there is no question that you will not make it. You are on your way already. Go for it girl
Awesome diary Kellie. You have a great sense of humour, honesty and you are tenacious. Congratulations on your achievements so far and there is no question that you will not make it. You are on your way already. Go for it girl
kellierocks
Silver Member
tough, but i did it!
I put off my interval run this morning, and did it at 3.30 instead- the joy of a day off. Now, please understand I love running, I really do, once i'm out the door. I don;t know when in the past 4 months this happened, but now that its here, I hope this new love will remain.
But interval training means going fast then slow then fast and slow and on and on and on. I refuse to say I hate it, because that would put me off it forever so I just suck it up. I am built for comfort, not for speed.
When I arrived, it was hot. maybe 4 laps in, i knew I'd eated too much today- i could feel my rice and stirfry filling my stomach it was awful!my lap 11, a fast lap, it was hurting and I had to take a break. I started thinking, ok sure thats 3 miles, thats enough, and then I thought another slow lap, ok now try a fast one again- i finished my planned routine and did 4 miles! I was delighted!!!
That was a real test tonight of mind over matter ; and i did it.
There's times in life that when things are getting you down, you have to walk away. But there are times, when, if you keep going, pushing that little harder, even slowly, you will get through; and the view on the other side is pretty darn cool.
I put off my interval run this morning, and did it at 3.30 instead- the joy of a day off. Now, please understand I love running, I really do, once i'm out the door. I don;t know when in the past 4 months this happened, but now that its here, I hope this new love will remain.
But interval training means going fast then slow then fast and slow and on and on and on. I refuse to say I hate it, because that would put me off it forever so I just suck it up. I am built for comfort, not for speed.
When I arrived, it was hot. maybe 4 laps in, i knew I'd eated too much today- i could feel my rice and stirfry filling my stomach it was awful!my lap 11, a fast lap, it was hurting and I had to take a break. I started thinking, ok sure thats 3 miles, thats enough, and then I thought another slow lap, ok now try a fast one again- i finished my planned routine and did 4 miles! I was delighted!!!
That was a real test tonight of mind over matter ; and i did it.
There's times in life that when things are getting you down, you have to walk away. But there are times, when, if you keep going, pushing that little harder, even slowly, you will get through; and the view on the other side is pretty darn cool.
kellierocks
Silver Member
R n R
Thursay Restday.
It is fantastic waking up knowing that today, I rest. No running, no spinning, no strength building. My legs feel a little tired- I did 8 miles last night, and also managed to tidy my room, the sitting room and the car. This was important to note, as household chores have been ignored in this new regime, and I need to spend another good few hours on my lovely home.
So I got up at my usual time of half 6, and I've had half a smoothie-and that was enough! I'm lying back in bed with the news on, and it is bliss. And this evening? hmm what shall I do?
Soing nothing seems a bit like a waste, so what can I do that maximises my evening off and doesn't leave me feeling lazy......
I get 2 rest days a week, and they are just amazing. There is nothing like feeling you have worked hard for 2 days of doing nothing! Its the same with everything we do I suppose.
At work, at home, the feeling after you are done with the task, or all the tasks! that feeling of accomplishment and reward is second to none. Its like saving your syns/ points for that Saturday meal out. Tough to do but so worth it when we get this one opportunity to relax and go with the flow! No excuse to pig out though!
Thursay Restday.
It is fantastic waking up knowing that today, I rest. No running, no spinning, no strength building. My legs feel a little tired- I did 8 miles last night, and also managed to tidy my room, the sitting room and the car. This was important to note, as household chores have been ignored in this new regime, and I need to spend another good few hours on my lovely home.
So I got up at my usual time of half 6, and I've had half a smoothie-and that was enough! I'm lying back in bed with the news on, and it is bliss. And this evening? hmm what shall I do?
Soing nothing seems a bit like a waste, so what can I do that maximises my evening off and doesn't leave me feeling lazy......
I get 2 rest days a week, and they are just amazing. There is nothing like feeling you have worked hard for 2 days of doing nothing! Its the same with everything we do I suppose.
At work, at home, the feeling after you are done with the task, or all the tasks! that feeling of accomplishment and reward is second to none. Its like saving your syns/ points for that Saturday meal out. Tough to do but so worth it when we get this one opportunity to relax and go with the flow! No excuse to pig out though!
kellierocks
Silver Member
This morning I headed out for my "easy" 4 mile run and I was back in 46.5 mins- that is at least 1.5 mins quicker than before- so I am actually speeding up! wow! How happy am I!
I know I am still fat, but running makes it easier to imagine not being fat.
When I think how fasr I've come since MArch, have I ever kept toa diet this long? I don't think so. And it ahs been so positive, yes I;ve had bad days, the chinese in bed anyone?? but overall, what a brilliant experience its been for me.
I think its because for someone addicted to food it is good not to focus on the weight part but on fitness. Skip dinner? certainly not, I have to run 8 miles tomorrow morning. Coffee and cake this afternoon? Can't, I'm running at 5 and it would upset my tummy. There are different reasons to eat well, and good reasons to say no, ones that no part of my brain can fight with (mainly the little devil who always dares me)
as week 20 approaches the end (20 to go, 18 done) I am feeling very optimistic, about my weight, my running and my life....
Have a good weekend all.
I know I am still fat, but running makes it easier to imagine not being fat.
When I think how fasr I've come since MArch, have I ever kept toa diet this long? I don't think so. And it ahs been so positive, yes I;ve had bad days, the chinese in bed anyone?? but overall, what a brilliant experience its been for me.
I think its because for someone addicted to food it is good not to focus on the weight part but on fitness. Skip dinner? certainly not, I have to run 8 miles tomorrow morning. Coffee and cake this afternoon? Can't, I'm running at 5 and it would upset my tummy. There are different reasons to eat well, and good reasons to say no, ones that no part of my brain can fight with (mainly the little devil who always dares me)
as week 20 approaches the end (20 to go, 18 done) I am feeling very optimistic, about my weight, my running and my life....
Have a good weekend all.
You are doing great! It's an interesting idea not to focus on the food, isn't it? (If I could get back to the weight I was when I started dieting- many yrs ago, I'd be so pleased!) It sounds like you are really changing the relationship you have with your body, more power to you! (And becoming a really good distance runner, of course!)
kellierocks
Silver Member
Today I came home from work and changed into my running gear. Then the heavens opened and the rain poured out. I rang JK- did we really want to go running? She suggested a quick one, and right away I was out the door. We ran her 2.7 miles and as we approached our junction I suggested we keep going- and so we finished on 4.3 miles- only half a mile less than our normal run. Not bad for a bad evening.
And so, our partnership worked well tonight, her in getting us going, me in keeping us going. I so very much appreciate having that right now. Goals are tough to achieve. It is so easy to give up when you have to constantly motivate yourself and exercise willpower. Handing over to someone else makes decisions so much easier. And often that's all it is- a decision. Its not about the chocolate bar for me, the trouble comes when I start negotiating in my head. Same for will I go for a run tomorrow morning. Suddenly all the voices in my head are talking and the sane one saying go for it can get drowned out.
So hand over some to those who can make them for you, and life becomes a little easier. It gives my willpower a break and all I have to do is sit on (or run along) for the ride.
And so, our partnership worked well tonight, her in getting us going, me in keeping us going. I so very much appreciate having that right now. Goals are tough to achieve. It is so easy to give up when you have to constantly motivate yourself and exercise willpower. Handing over to someone else makes decisions so much easier. And often that's all it is- a decision. Its not about the chocolate bar for me, the trouble comes when I start negotiating in my head. Same for will I go for a run tomorrow morning. Suddenly all the voices in my head are talking and the sane one saying go for it can get drowned out.
So hand over some to those who can make them for you, and life becomes a little easier. It gives my willpower a break and all I have to do is sit on (or run along) for the ride.
kellierocks
Silver Member
support needed-A beaming light of negativity
I am spewing negativity and bad vibes.
I am binge eating, eating crisps mainly, and lots of them.
I haven't run since tuesday, and I actually do not understand why not.
I ****ed up at work and I cannot get it sorted now because its the weekend. I need my line manager's approval you see to save this, and it affects someone else (who doesn't even know this is going on) so my mind is gone.
I have to organise prizes for a pub quiz and I hate that.
I have to clean the house for my sister's party tomorrow night.
And biker has not been in touch since tues which is very very odd.
Why am i in this mood? I had been so good at dealing with stuff the past while and now it feels like I am lying in the gutter.
I am spewing negativity and bad vibes.
I am binge eating, eating crisps mainly, and lots of them.
I haven't run since tuesday, and I actually do not understand why not.
I ****ed up at work and I cannot get it sorted now because its the weekend. I need my line manager's approval you see to save this, and it affects someone else (who doesn't even know this is going on) so my mind is gone.
I have to organise prizes for a pub quiz and I hate that.
I have to clean the house for my sister's party tomorrow night.
And biker has not been in touch since tues which is very very odd.
Why am i in this mood? I had been so good at dealing with stuff the past while and now it feels like I am lying in the gutter.
Freshstartnewme!
Gold Member
Hi there kellierocks,
I haven't been a member very long on here, but I've been reading your diary and you are so inspirational. I am doing a 10k run in October, and I am so bad at running, I can't run for more than a minute at the moment but reading at what you have achieved has given me hope that maybe I can do it to?!
So don't feel down, even if you feel the world is against you today, tomorrow is a new day and everything will seem a bit brighter. Get yourself out for that run, you will feel so much better after that.
Take one step at a time, don't worry about the mistake at work, everyone makes them and if you can't sort it till monday, you can't sort it till Monday, my mum tells me "worrying is like a rocking horse- it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere". So deal with the things you can do now, tick them off your list and deal with the others later
Just wanted to offer a little support, I know what its like when you feel really negative, its feeling thats hard to shift, and it makes you look at everything the wrong way including yourself.
So I hope this has helped you feel a little better. All the best- remember tomorrow is a new day, so start it off on a good foot
Claire x
I haven't been a member very long on here, but I've been reading your diary and you are so inspirational. I am doing a 10k run in October, and I am so bad at running, I can't run for more than a minute at the moment but reading at what you have achieved has given me hope that maybe I can do it to?!
So don't feel down, even if you feel the world is against you today, tomorrow is a new day and everything will seem a bit brighter. Get yourself out for that run, you will feel so much better after that.
Take one step at a time, don't worry about the mistake at work, everyone makes them and if you can't sort it till monday, you can't sort it till Monday, my mum tells me "worrying is like a rocking horse- it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere". So deal with the things you can do now, tick them off your list and deal with the others later
Just wanted to offer a little support, I know what its like when you feel really negative, its feeling thats hard to shift, and it makes you look at everything the wrong way including yourself.
So I hope this has helped you feel a little better. All the best- remember tomorrow is a new day, so start it off on a good foot
Claire x
Healthy2010
Gold Member
Absolutely love your diary, its so witty and honest. All the best with your weightloss and hope work sorts itself out.
As much as you can, try to put the work issue out of your mind until it can be tackled, on Monday. I think the downs are as essential to this trip as the ups sometimes. It is only a hurdle, not the end! Turn it around as soon as you can, sweet girl, and if you need to unburden, we are all here for you!
Pink!
Silver Member
Heya hun, I agree with everything everyone's said, there's some good advice up there ^.
I hope that you're starting to feel a bit better about everything; maybe you should call your running partner for a quick run, even if it's only a little one it's bound to make you feel a bit better.
Best wishes hun.
I hope that you're starting to feel a bit better about everything; maybe you should call your running partner for a quick run, even if it's only a little one it's bound to make you feel a bit better.
Best wishes hun.
kellierocks
Silver Member
new week, new attitude?
Well its monday morning, so I suppose its time to cop myself on. I thought I had my mind sorted on friday night, but saturday didn't turn out the way it should have, and even though sunday started with an 8 mile run, i ate so much junk I'm still stuffed
What happened? Why did I go from in the driving seat to out of control, and how do I get back on track today?
Firstly there is no need for breakfast today (it'd be too much for my tummy) so I am going to have a little fruit until eleven- say 3 pieces. And water and herbal tea.
For lunch i will have spag bol, I have the sauce I just need to cook up some pasta before work and bring it with me- so I'll be organised and no excue. That will prepare me for the run this evening.
I will text JK at 9 to set up running this evening so that there is no temptation to drop out.
I will deal with the hardest stuff at work today first, and do out a to do list and timeline to get things done- there is no point in hiding my head in the sand.When I **** up at work I often feel I'm just not good enough for this job. That its too tough, that it needs someone more organised/ asssertive/ ballshy (is that a word??). I feel like i'm the big pretender and one day I'll be caught out.
Tonight I will start ringing around businesses to get sponsorship for the tablequiz. I need to do some serious fundraising for this marathon.
I will try that "stay in the moment" thing. When I lose control it is almost like I leave my mind behind, and some other reality kicks in. I do not connect what I am doing to the big picture. I did not enjoy that pizza last night, nor most of the ice cream. Pointless stuff.
Big thank you to you all, for just being there
Well its monday morning, so I suppose its time to cop myself on. I thought I had my mind sorted on friday night, but saturday didn't turn out the way it should have, and even though sunday started with an 8 mile run, i ate so much junk I'm still stuffed
What happened? Why did I go from in the driving seat to out of control, and how do I get back on track today?
Firstly there is no need for breakfast today (it'd be too much for my tummy) so I am going to have a little fruit until eleven- say 3 pieces. And water and herbal tea.
For lunch i will have spag bol, I have the sauce I just need to cook up some pasta before work and bring it with me- so I'll be organised and no excue. That will prepare me for the run this evening.
I will text JK at 9 to set up running this evening so that there is no temptation to drop out.
I will deal with the hardest stuff at work today first, and do out a to do list and timeline to get things done- there is no point in hiding my head in the sand.When I **** up at work I often feel I'm just not good enough for this job. That its too tough, that it needs someone more organised/ asssertive/ ballshy (is that a word??). I feel like i'm the big pretender and one day I'll be caught out.
Tonight I will start ringing around businesses to get sponsorship for the tablequiz. I need to do some serious fundraising for this marathon.
I will try that "stay in the moment" thing. When I lose control it is almost like I leave my mind behind, and some other reality kicks in. I do not connect what I am doing to the big picture. I did not enjoy that pizza last night, nor most of the ice cream. Pointless stuff.
Big thank you to you all, for just being there
kellierocks
Silver Member
If you boldly wrenched your life back from Default, what would you be doing?
To keep me motivated, and to educate me, I regularly visit a running website (fresh start new me- www.runnersworld.com- tips on warm ups, plans, food....). I never thought I'd see the day, but I think I may be a runner. A runner having a few bad days right now, but it seems I am a runner.
Anyway there is a blog there which I love, a lady who is a runner, a writer and a mother, all of which teaches her about life and this lesson she shares in a beautiful way with us all.
I just clicked an old entry at random from last year, adn found this quote above. She found that when she didn't actively plan in things, default took over, and default was not the most organised planning tool. And I read thinking- yes this has been me!!!
I need to actively plan my time. This I had been doing until - TUESDAY. Then I decided no I'll not go to the gym this eve, I'll just head straight to my parents. Then on wednesday I came back home after a long day (meeting 4 hours away) and instead of grabbing my trainers I just went to bed. And instead of planning, I'll get up thursday morning, I just let it go, let it go, let it go, until default had my diary in his hands and was just pencilling stuff out. Well default (the devil in disguise) NO MORE I am taking my life back. Life doesn't just happen, regardless of what people may say. If you want to run a marathon, you have got to plan it in. If you want to lose weight you have got to plan for it. if you want to ahve fun, plan for it, cos lying about the house in sweats is useless unless you have good music on or friends coming over, or a live in lover!!!! Things do not just happen. If you want to get stuff done at work, you have to plan it- time it in, start it and SEE IT THROUGH. **** happens, not life. One day we will be looking back at our lives. I want to see plenty of stuff, I want to see how I got through the tough stuff- minus four you are exactly right, I want to see loads of variety (I dont want the next 6 months to be marathon only, it needs to
be part of my full life) and I need to become better at my work. Not for anyone else (they usually seem quite happy) but for me. I need to know I am the best I can be.
So
Dear default,
I know you took over the past week for me, because I let you, and I wasn't making many decisions for myself other than to opt out.
Thank you for that, but I want my life back. You may not have realised, but since teh last time you popped into my life, I actually have developed a love for running. Yip, a love. I love the feeling of running, catching up with JK, keeping my feet moving on the hills, running past the walkers, and coming home to a beautiful and well deserved smoothie (peanut butter, yoghurt, banana, orange juice). So Default there is no need for you to place me on teh couch anymore, nope send me for a run. But it is ok now, I am back, I am in charge. I already know my plan for today, I have a training plan for the rest of the week I will stick to. When I get to work I will do one out for there, as I seem to be letting you make a lot of my decisions there, and you know what, my inbox does not need that much checking- they can wait.
This evening I will organise the pub quiz.
So default, get out of my life, I want to do things and the way to do that is to plan them in. Oh now do not start to argue that by planning I will miss out on those one off spontaneous fun things- we all know the more we get done, the more opportunity will present itself. I ma a firm believer in say yes to life- you are wrong to
say I like life to pass me by while I observe from the sidelines! And no, again you are wrong- I do rest- I have thursdays and saturdays, and when a rest is earned, it is sweet. No guilty kickbacks.
Hope not to see you again, ever, but at least until I have 26.2 miles run and another stone off my body
Yours sincerely
KG
PS To all- what are you going to get done this week?
To keep me motivated, and to educate me, I regularly visit a running website (fresh start new me- www.runnersworld.com- tips on warm ups, plans, food....). I never thought I'd see the day, but I think I may be a runner. A runner having a few bad days right now, but it seems I am a runner.
Anyway there is a blog there which I love, a lady who is a runner, a writer and a mother, all of which teaches her about life and this lesson she shares in a beautiful way with us all.
I just clicked an old entry at random from last year, adn found this quote above. She found that when she didn't actively plan in things, default took over, and default was not the most organised planning tool. And I read thinking- yes this has been me!!!
I need to actively plan my time. This I had been doing until - TUESDAY. Then I decided no I'll not go to the gym this eve, I'll just head straight to my parents. Then on wednesday I came back home after a long day (meeting 4 hours away) and instead of grabbing my trainers I just went to bed. And instead of planning, I'll get up thursday morning, I just let it go, let it go, let it go, until default had my diary in his hands and was just pencilling stuff out. Well default (the devil in disguise) NO MORE I am taking my life back. Life doesn't just happen, regardless of what people may say. If you want to run a marathon, you have got to plan it in. If you want to lose weight you have got to plan for it. if you want to ahve fun, plan for it, cos lying about the house in sweats is useless unless you have good music on or friends coming over, or a live in lover!!!! Things do not just happen. If you want to get stuff done at work, you have to plan it- time it in, start it and SEE IT THROUGH. **** happens, not life. One day we will be looking back at our lives. I want to see plenty of stuff, I want to see how I got through the tough stuff- minus four you are exactly right, I want to see loads of variety (I dont want the next 6 months to be marathon only, it needs to
be part of my full life) and I need to become better at my work. Not for anyone else (they usually seem quite happy) but for me. I need to know I am the best I can be.
So
Dear default,
I know you took over the past week for me, because I let you, and I wasn't making many decisions for myself other than to opt out.
Thank you for that, but I want my life back. You may not have realised, but since teh last time you popped into my life, I actually have developed a love for running. Yip, a love. I love the feeling of running, catching up with JK, keeping my feet moving on the hills, running past the walkers, and coming home to a beautiful and well deserved smoothie (peanut butter, yoghurt, banana, orange juice). So Default there is no need for you to place me on teh couch anymore, nope send me for a run. But it is ok now, I am back, I am in charge. I already know my plan for today, I have a training plan for the rest of the week I will stick to. When I get to work I will do one out for there, as I seem to be letting you make a lot of my decisions there, and you know what, my inbox does not need that much checking- they can wait.
This evening I will organise the pub quiz.
So default, get out of my life, I want to do things and the way to do that is to plan them in. Oh now do not start to argue that by planning I will miss out on those one off spontaneous fun things- we all know the more we get done, the more opportunity will present itself. I ma a firm believer in say yes to life- you are wrong to
say I like life to pass me by while I observe from the sidelines! And no, again you are wrong- I do rest- I have thursdays and saturdays, and when a rest is earned, it is sweet. No guilty kickbacks.
Hope not to see you again, ever, but at least until I have 26.2 miles run and another stone off my body
Yours sincerely
KG
PS To all- what are you going to get done this week?
Fantasic recovery, good on you! My husband is a distance runner from way back, (he does tri's, not marathons), and he loves Runners World, he is always borrowing them from the local library. (He is also quite cheap!)
I hope you managed to fix up the problems at work ok!
We all feel like "pretenders" sometimes, even really successful people. I remember reading a book written by a thoracic surgeon about his training- the first time he cut into someones chest etc- he was having exactly the same stress and anxiety as you and I would have.
No-one has got it together all the time. No-one. There is an old chestnut about the important thing being not how often you fail, but how you rebound/recover each time, so true!
My husband, who has zillions of medals and trophies for his sports performance gets these mysterious aches and pains, and/or illnesses when things are not going well. Probably a lot of these are mostly stress. They are more debilitating than over eating for a few days, let me tell you! (O, the stories I could tell!)
Darling, don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing a great job!
(PS- make sure you get plenty of rest!)
I hope you managed to fix up the problems at work ok!
We all feel like "pretenders" sometimes, even really successful people. I remember reading a book written by a thoracic surgeon about his training- the first time he cut into someones chest etc- he was having exactly the same stress and anxiety as you and I would have.
No-one has got it together all the time. No-one. There is an old chestnut about the important thing being not how often you fail, but how you rebound/recover each time, so true!
My husband, who has zillions of medals and trophies for his sports performance gets these mysterious aches and pains, and/or illnesses when things are not going well. Probably a lot of these are mostly stress. They are more debilitating than over eating for a few days, let me tell you! (O, the stories I could tell!)
Darling, don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing a great job!
(PS- make sure you get plenty of rest!)
kellierocks
Silver Member
Thursday Restday
I cried at work yesterday. I don't know why. (in front of a friend).
I know work is very busy and I feel so overwhelmed sometimes I'm not sure if I function. I'm working from home today thankfully, it means I can get a lot done on one thing.
When we are feeling down, do we look around us? Or should we try and pick ourselves up?
I'm still a little lost, still not back on track. I'm moving forward I think, 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I am making a plan for today to get me through it. I have eaten everything in the house so there is less to distract me.
Who do I want to be today? I want to sleep, but I don't think I can get away with that.
I cried at work yesterday. I don't know why. (in front of a friend).
I know work is very busy and I feel so overwhelmed sometimes I'm not sure if I function. I'm working from home today thankfully, it means I can get a lot done on one thing.
When we are feeling down, do we look around us? Or should we try and pick ourselves up?
I'm still a little lost, still not back on track. I'm moving forward I think, 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I am making a plan for today to get me through it. I have eaten everything in the house so there is less to distract me.
Who do I want to be today? I want to sleep, but I don't think I can get away with that.
nattyclare78
Silver Member
Kellie, I don't really know what to write - which sounds strange I know - but I don't usually read diaries but I found yours so inspirational/sad/emotional/true to my life/poignant all at the same time. I just wanted to acknowledge that I am following your story which mentally could just as easily be mine xx (not the training just the thoughts and emotions)
kellierocks
Silver Member
Friday- easy run coming up
I skipped Wednesday's medium run (no reason other than laziness masked by extreme tiredness), I took yesterday as my usual restday and its a short run today. I love my short run, and I keep reminding myself of that to make sure I always realise it.Its easy what my body choses to forget at times, if I don't remind myself, it will slip into the default mode of the lazy fat kellie.
Last night, I went to the shooping centre with Ems. She shopped, I sat in Starbuck's, skinny cappucino with caramel, chicken pasta salad. 3 hours later I was still there so I had a smoothie and a piece of cheesecake, I'm quite grateful Starbuck's are mean enough with their protion sizes. It did me good, not the cheesecake, but the sitting there and just being. I read. I thought. I wrote a letter. It was like a time out for me. My phone went missing,so I really was out of touch, and I was ok. I survived. Afterwards, Ems started to put together the "list"
In O last night I read that Failure is just as much a learning opportunity as success, but bloody hell how scary is it? And yes, maybe whatever happens is meant to be. But I want to be seen as effective, as hard working, as capable. And yet in a lot of ways I have not confronted the issues, Instead I want to hide under the duvet.
Right now the fear of failure is keeping me from playing the game
I skipped Wednesday's medium run (no reason other than laziness masked by extreme tiredness), I took yesterday as my usual restday and its a short run today. I love my short run, and I keep reminding myself of that to make sure I always realise it.Its easy what my body choses to forget at times, if I don't remind myself, it will slip into the default mode of the lazy fat kellie.
Last night, I went to the shooping centre with Ems. She shopped, I sat in Starbuck's, skinny cappucino with caramel, chicken pasta salad. 3 hours later I was still there so I had a smoothie and a piece of cheesecake, I'm quite grateful Starbuck's are mean enough with their protion sizes. It did me good, not the cheesecake, but the sitting there and just being. I read. I thought. I wrote a letter. It was like a time out for me. My phone went missing,so I really was out of touch, and I was ok. I survived. Afterwards, Ems started to put together the "list"
- work feels never ending and the lists grows and grows
- Its annoying i'm flat out when other people are sitting twiddling their thumbs (I accept life is not fair)
- I am useless with money, so currently have none
- I was angry at L for not being there when I needed her, even though I realise she has been going through a lot.
- This table quiz next week- I'm afraid it will fail
- Presentation to full meeting- scary biscuits
- presentation on Saturday- not as scary but...
- Amount of Time off in lieu I have due dont like taking
- Being fat and ugly
- Being disorganised
In O last night I read that Failure is just as much a learning opportunity as success, but bloody hell how scary is it? And yes, maybe whatever happens is meant to be. But I want to be seen as effective, as hard working, as capable. And yet in a lot of ways I have not confronted the issues, Instead I want to hide under the duvet.
Right now the fear of failure is keeping me from playing the game
