Imagine if i wasn't fat

Hi Kellie,

I have just read the whole of your diary and it has blown me away!!! You have a poetic way of writing and it is so enjoyable to read.

What you have achieved is truly amazing. I have always said that it would be my dream to run the London marathon but have always managed to talk myself out of it as something fat 50+ people dont do....well overweight 30 something, more overweight 40 something and now fat 50 + :D

You keep going, keep writing and I'll keep reading.

xxx
 
bad day

So it was a bad day.
I got up, always a good start.
I did a 40 min class,still good.

Then bamm- i hit the office and e-mails were everywhere. It is under control, although there is some bad news to deliver. Anyway, no need to concentrate on the details here, the crux is, I reverted to food. One large cappucino (skinny) with caramel, and a bag of sweets, which were actually sickening and I didn't stop.

What is interesting is I have now stopped. I know I have to run tomorrow, and Thursday and Saturday. So it is a quick lived binge. Part of me is like " ooo thank God for the marathon", part says "Kell, cop on, you went too far" and part says "what will you do when sh*t happens after the 7th November? Get Fat again" (Most of me wonders where all these voices come from:p)

Life is not fair, we know that. We know there are going to be knocks. But when we land with a thump on the ground, why don't we jump back up again fighting, or smile and look around. It seems often for me, I'm lying down there wallowing in self pity, shock that the world has let me down (or at least bureaucratic systems) and angry with somthing which I cannot change.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to see the difference.
And grant this to me when I am so baffled by life's cruel jokes that I forget to ask.
 
Ok so I am doing some thinking about post marathon. Psychologically I am not sure if that is ok, but given my need to keep losing weight, I want to keep a plan.

When I come back from NY, I have around 6 weeks until Christmas, which is of course a key point in all weight loss calenders(because tehn we get to pile it all back on!)

I want to make sure I enjoy what I am doing, I've run a marathon so need to treat my wee-er self! I am thinking about 5 times a week , perhaps 4 weekday mornings and 1 weekend, which is similar to now.
Perhaps 2 spin, 2 runs and 1 swim? And i can add in walks- there's a good flat 3 k route around work, which if I was dedicated I could do straight after work each day- also has a mental health boost in terms of switching of from work adn setting me in a good place for teh evening. And ideally a pilates class, because i do enjoy it (even though I did not go tonight because I am wrecked and have a celebration thing for my sister at 10) .... but as we all know, all the exercise in the world will not compensate for eating everything I see...
 
Congrats hun, however it is still September,just, so if anyone asks why you were weighing you were just seeing if you managed it in the month.
 
Some time ago, perhaps a year, when I had lost some weight before, I was out walking with my mother and sister. Its a rare occasion, and of course lovely conversations. We spoke of my need to lose weight, and I felt that getting to 11 was about all I could manage. They agreed that that would be a big help and that that in itself would be great.(At my heaviest I was 14 2).

Now that I am nearly at that goal, I'm just stopping to reflect on it. I probably shouldn't dwell too much- I'm not there yet, and it is so easy to gain I feel. Out with Ems last night, she told me she wouldn't let me gain the weight again, but it's not like she can lock my fridge and feed be proper portions and force me to exercise. Still, I'm sure the peer support will be good.

Part of me would love to be 8 10 one day, part of me wonders will I ever get to 10 10. Is it vanity, obsession or health? And as Ems said, when I'm not running 40 miles a week, how will I alter my diet to make sure I don't gain? I don't eat unheathily but I enjoy my food and I don't want to give it up.

Am I happy with my goal of 9 10, and am i realistic about how and when I will get there? I know its a lot slower than many of yous, but for me, i cannot sustain very low calorie diets and just binge eat after a short time trying.
 
Even thin folks do that sometimes.........and that is the key - as long as it ain't every night - sometimes it is just what we need.
Bren xx
 
Its sunday morning and I am waking up in my own bed (as oppose to my parents, dirty minded ppl!), with a day off in front of me. I have tidied my bedroom, am listening to bbc radio 2, have proper coffee and have the papers. This is my ideal Sunday morning, something that was a regular occurance in my past life, in my old apartment before marathon training.

It was not unhealthy. Sometimes thinking back on when I was much heavier, I class it all as unhealthy, I forget that it was key moments that made me fat. Just as you said quak, sometimes kicking back is something we need. For me getting fat is about eating a little too much at meals, and binge eating when I was in a low mood.

I suppose what I mean is that not all my behaviour was fat-making, just some of it, and only some of it needs to change. Little indulgences like a morning in bed with the papers or popcorn and dvds, they can stay, and remind me what life is all about. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, pace yourselves.
 
Well today was hectic, flat to the mat, and when i came home I met JK for a run and ran the stress out. It was fantastic, and I remembered why it was I loved it. I actually had a good run, well more I had an ok run and JK was off pace- very unusual. It was 47 mins.

So I hit the busy time now. 2 weeks of flat out. 2 weeks to put into practice everything I have learned. 2 weeks to not eat my stress but run it out. 2 weeks to be assertive and pleasant.

For some reason the scales are up, not down, yet this past week or two I have noticed the biggest difference in my clothes. I really should have measured myself.

I had a nightmare last night, dreaming that I woke up and realised I'd left my front door open. I was petrified someone had gotten in. I wnated to ring someone when I woke up, but I had nobody to ring.
Biker boy told me I should have a plan including someone to marry and have kids with. He thinks planning makes things happen. Putting aside the absurdity of the man who only measures running routes for me advising me on my biological clock (if you won't panic now you can't be panicking at the last minute), I think planning to find the husband of your children is as useful as planning to buy a house by winning the lottery. It's one of those things that seems to work best by not concentrating on it.
Then again, I have for years made plans to lose weight and that hasn't happened. And years of not falling in love whilst not planning.

Maybe I need to rethink the way I do stuff?
 
I think the way you think is just fine sweets xxx
 
still a good loss sweetie, keep going xxx
 
That sounds great, I managed to fit into a pair of trousers last week that I had put aside for the attic cos they were much too small, it's a great feeling isn't it.

Well done.
 
I need to do 20 miles this weekend. A friend is in town Friday night for one night only. Another friend is just back and wants to go out Saturday night. Friday to Friday is the biggest week in a 2 year period for work. I need to go shopping as I have only one outfit that fits for said busiest week.

And I did not overeat today.

Imagine if I wasn't fat and life was simply about living my dreams.
 
It is 6.23. My plan is to be at work by 7.30, work until 3pm, dad to switch cars with me. Drive to my trail, and run from 3.45 to 8.30. Home to my parents house, cold bath, shower, eat, bed before 10am. Wake up tomorrow at 6.30, be at work by 7.30, and if possible, get away by 3.30, hoover, change beds for friend, cook hmmm what should I cook? maybe chicken curry (must shop) and then, let the weekend begin.

And somehow I need to get a ballot box on and off an island ....
 
Wow you're busy!
You're doing amazingly though, keep it up! I admire your motivation!
 
choices or chance?

Today I was babysitting my nieces. The 3 year old decided she needed "me time" so myself and the 1 year minus 2 weeks hung out in teh kitchen. She is a delight, a genuinely happy child, big and bubbly.

And as I held her, I thought , what if I had one?
It's rare for me to feel broody, but I think this was what it was. Not just I want a baby but the idea of having a family of my own. As you know, I do not have a life plan, I didn't think most people had. Biker boy does. KP does. They seem to think its gets you all you want.

So if I make a plan to get a husband and children, will it happen? Or will it mean I settle for someone? Is settling bad? Am I too picky? Like farmer was a lovely lad, just no spark. Or Nosy, well its all in the name there, that never would have worked.

Is falling in love, getting married and having children a choice or something entirely left to chance? Why is it this is what we all think will happen when we grow up, that this is the natural route, it happens, when in fact it doesn't. Well not for me.

I wasn't even sure it was what I wanted. I'm still not sure.
 
Kels nowadays you don't have to have a man and a plan. One of the best things about being female is you can have a baby if you want to. In an ideal world you would have the whole family thingy but don't feel you have to give up on the idea of a baby just cos you don't find the right man. Having the man when you're pregnant/new mother doesn't mean he'll still be there in five, ten, fifteen years anyway. And trust me, being a single mom is hard but absolutely worth it. From what I've read about you, you'd handle it no problem. I firmly believe that two live-in, happy parents is the best for kids but one live-in, happy, loving parent is a pretty good second prize (and the one thing you will guarantee is that they'll never have to go through their parents divorce). xx
 
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