Hello everyone. Well well well, what a weekend.
Thank you to all who have asked after me and wished me luck. My exam today went OK! Only two more to go. HOWEVER - CD wise, weekend in London = disaster. I won't go into it because it's the 100% forum (I hate this f***ing rule, it's so unsupportive), but when my dad dropped me and my mum off at the train station yesterday, we got on the train, and I realised half way there I'd left my CD bag in my dads car - with a tetra for lunch and dinner, and a porridge for this morning.
I totally freaked out, panicking and stressing over what I was supposed to eat, or whether not to eat at all - and it's ridiculous because I'm meant to be thinking of my exams!! I won't mention food specifics, but in the end for dinner I had a very healthy 810+ style meal last night, so was really proud of myself, and just skipped lunch (despite staying at the HILTON of all places, and you can imagine what the menu was like...!)
Then, this morning, I've been up since 5, and I just went into total panic mode. Firstly, over my exam and revising etc, but also because I'd eaten my first ever 'meal' last night in 6 weeks, and as I have a weigh in tomorrow I knew I'd probably be retaining water and gained a little etc. So for breakfast I ended up going mad. Won't go into it, but really disappointed with myself - however, it has taught me that I can make healthy choices, as I did with the dinner, but only the guilt of eating a HEALTHY meal led me to eat rubbish this morning. Which isn't something I'll have to put up with on maintainence, because what I ate last night was really healthy, and normally I'd feel all pleased with myself for making the healthy choice on a menu at a lovely restaurant. That's the thing with CD - you end up feeling guilt over things you wouldn't normally.
I think it was just an unusual set of circumstances, two stressful things in one go of such an important exam and having had to eat the night before, staying in a lovely hotel with a menu like that, being in unknown surroundings, having had 3 hours sleep. I'm going to ask my CD if I can miss a weigh in tomorrow, cos I think it will just demotivate me if I see the damage, so I'll just treat this week as an anomoly and carry on.
Sorry to put a downer on things. I'm so exhausted, I've been awake for 20 hours and only had three hours sleep last night too. I will catch up with everyone tomorrow and reply to you all, but I have another exam on Thursday so won't be on here much again.
I hope you are all well. I'm so sorry I've been rubbish with CD lately - in a way I'm pleased because I haven't touched any "junk food" even when I've slipped up (until this morning), so at least I'm making healthy choices. But at the same time, I wish I could get back the resolve I had of the first 3/4 weeks when I was totally 100%, because this is the way it's MEANT to be done, and I'm not doing it properly at the moment. I've felt the cogs whirring in my brain over the past few weeks though, and I do believe I'm getting somewhere now in terms of my mindset. The first few weeks I was 100% because I "had to", it was the rules. Now I'm working on doing it because I *want* to.
It should be OK because after the initial happiness of my weight loss, I'm back to thinking I look awful and huge again. I know I'm basically a stone and a half off my start weight, but to me in my head I am as big as I was before. So at least that's a motivational thing I can use, even if it's a bit depressing.
Anyway, sorry, that was all a bit "me me me". I will catch up with you all tomorrow! I'd really like your help in getting me back on track properly, 100%. I need to do this.
Hope you're all well. xxxxxxxxxx
