Is the engagement too quick?

[Tinytootz]

I got engaged on Christmas day this year, and my mum is worrying. She says it is way too soon, and doesn't seem to take on board anything I am saying regarding it. I met OH in Nov 2010, he moved in Feb/March 2011, and we got engaged Christmas 2011. I'm 27 if that has any bearing.

Personally, I don't see that as too quick, but maybe it is? Or is it natural maternal worries? I don't like to think of her losing sleep over this (which she has been doing), but there's only so many times you can say "I'm happy", "you don't need to know his entire life history" and "it isn't too fast" without going a bit cuckoo! Today is the 3rd or 4th 'meeting' we've had regarding the impending wedding (I say impending, we're looking at 2014!), and each time it's been the exact same. I even dragged my brother in today in an attempt to help out, but he was no use. Friday OH is going round with me too, but my mother is quite terrifying to some!

Dads views? "Just go to Vegas, it's cheaper than £30-£40 per head"

 

[Mrs.S.]

I got engaged on Christmas day this year, and my mum is worrying. She says it is way too soon, and doesn't seem to take on board anything I am saying regarding it. I met OH in Nov 2010, he moved in Feb/March 2011, and we got engaged Christmas 2011. I'm 27 if that has any bearing.

Personally, I don't see that as too quick, but maybe it is? Or is it natural maternal worries? I don't like to think of her losing sleep over this (which she has been doing), but there's only so many times you can say "I'm happy", "you don't need to know his entire life history" and "it isn't too fast" without going a bit cuckoo! Today is the 3rd or 4th 'meeting' we've had regarding the impending wedding (I say impending, we're looking at 2014!), and each time it's been the exact same. I even dragged my brother in today in an attempt to help out, but he was no use. Friday OH is going round with me too, but my mother is quite terrifying to some!

Dads views? "Just go to Vegas, it's cheaper than £30-£40 per head"

I like your dads idea :8855:

In all seriousness, why is she worrying? Does OH have a shady past? Children involved? Have you had problems in the past?

Congratulations xx

 

[Mini]

At 27 you are old enough to know what you want and if you feel in your heart of hearts he is the one then that is what counts as you will be spending the rest of your life with him and not your mother.

Its not like you are jumping into getting married as 2014 is a long way off and if you do have a change of heart well that is a woman's prerogative.

Your Dad sounds like he is fine about it

Congratulations on your engagement:love047:

 

[Tinytootz]

He has a less than typical (in my mums eyes) past. Lived with grandparents since the age of 7, sees his mum about once a year, doesn't know his dad, has a child from previous long term relationship who lives with his grandparents. I don't see it as shady, just non conventional perhaps. Prior to him I came out of a 7yr relationship, but I kinda see that as a 'so what'. He treats me like a princess, and even my mother said he is far better to me than the ex.

And thanks

 

[Mrs.S.]

I'm guessing by your reply your mum knows about his past/upbringing etc.

She's probably just concerned for you. Only daughter I presume?

I guess just ride it out and let her ask her questions until she's blue in the face. Good on oh that he's off for the grilling too! xx

 

[*EB*]

Congrats on getting engaged!

Is the issue that your parents are paying for wedding things and they worry they are going to shell out a lot of money and you wont stay together? If thats the case - i think i would suggest you pay for your own wedding to avoid these sort of discussions/comments.

I dont think its too soon - especially as you are not going to get married until 2014, that will be 4 years of being together and engaged!

Congrats again!

 

[Tinytootz]

Aye, only daughter. As far as I know, we are splitting the wedding between us and my parents. Its not the money, mum just keeps wittering on that its too fast and she knows *nothing* about him. But yes, he is facing the grilling too, seems only fair

We have discussed it, and the venue is going to be booked kinda soon-ish, I just wish she would stop worrying so much as it will make her ill. She knows as much as I know about him. And no, I don't know everything about him, but by the same token, he doesn't know me inside-out.

I keep telling her its ages away. She even hasn't told anyone about it as she thought it would be temporary nice to feel like you're being taken seriously, eh?

 

[x_ali_x]

I'd say he moved in quickly but you've been living together a year so should have a a fair idea on whether your compatible for living together long term! they do say when you know you know. Try explain to your mum that your in love and know hes the one for you and if she can't respect that that she should respect that your old enough to make your own mistakes. Try and work out what her specific worries are then maybe you are your partner can help settle those fears. Good luck!

 

[Minimunchkins]

How long was your mum & dad 'courting' before they married? There's always the possibility that she's not as happy as she'd hoped to be & doesn't want the same for her only daughter!?!

As you've lived together for nearly a year and aren't getting married for another 2+, I personally don't think you're rushing things. Also, assuming he proposed (without your help ) he's showing his commitment to the relationship as he's already got everything bar the certificate!

I recon there must be more to your mum's stance than she's letting on - I'd give her a bit longer to 'reveal' but wouldn't discount your dad's suggestion.

Us mums want the world for our little girls but we have to accept that they've got to lead their own lives. We just have to hope that we've done our utmost to instill the best possible values & common sense to help them throughout adulthood.

 

[Babysham80]

Hey congratulations - how romantic to do it on Xmas Day too

My time scales are similar to yours. I was 21 when I met OH, we looked for a place to live together after 3 months and brought one (after lots of letters with solicitors) after 6 months, we too got engaged on our 1 year date anniversary.
As long as you are happy, then it doesn't matter what others think
BTW - Getting married by Vegas is something we priced up doing, with a joined on honeymoon to Hawaii, it was so much cheaper to do that than to get married over here!

 

[Happy Holidays]

I'd agree with all the above the timescales are not too soon. I'd try & find out why your mum is concerned, maybe you'll need to be discrete with your questioning to find out.

My 19 year old daughter met her boyfriend Aug last year & has just moved in with him, they started to talk about living together after 10 weeks. She's had two long term relationships in the past & said it just felt different & right. I'm happy with her decision & didn't put her off.

 

[judimac]

I met OH at a bustop, in the dark, and we married 3 months later. That will be 40 years in June!

 

[Cleogin]

Congratulations

I met my hubby in April 98, bought a house together in the October, got engaged that new year and married April 2000. Together 2 years to the day when we got married. I was 20 when we got engaged. Time rolls on, been together 14 & married 12!
Life is tricky but if you know it's what you want then go for it. It's understandable that they might think its quick but as long as you feel it's right.
There are no guarantee's in life so do what makes you happy
Enjoy it...... Being married is tough but it's so worth it when you find " the one" x

 

[Tinytootz]

Her main argument is the fast thing, and I do wonder if she is kinda thinking of when she got married. Her and dad courted for about a year, she got married when she was 22, and openly admits she didn't love dad, that grew in time. She doesn't believe in love, so explaining that to her would be met with eye rolling. I think her main concern is that I will get hurt. She describes me during my split with the ex as a 'wounded animal', and understandably never wants to see me like that again. But if you take no risks, you reap no rewards in my mind.

Will see how it pans out. We are both doing our best to try and calm her down a bit, but she is quite highly strung as a general rule. She is meeting his grandparents and daughter on Friday, so then she may feel better about stuff. Or worse!

Thank you for putting my mind slightly at ease. I'll put it down to maternal worries until I find out otherwise

 

[urbancookie]

Do you as a couple spend time in your mom & dads company, go round for tea, pop in at the weekend, maybe go out to the pub all together? Perhaps she's not seen enought of him to make a decision on him and see how happy you both are as a couple. Once they start to see you as a solid/happy couple and not just you popping in after work on your own she'll change her mind and see hes the man for you.

Congratulations to you both........

 

[MadameLaMinx]

Firstly, Congratulations!!!

Secondly - strikes me that your mum is trying to transfer her history, issues etc onto you. I experienced a quite severe version of a similar thing, in my case, rather than it being too soon, it was comments like "You dont want to get married on your birthday, you'll regret it come the divorce." - she had been divorced three times by that point, so I could tell exactly where it was coming from, and she, like I suspect your mother, was never entirely satisfied by the married state, expecting it to be something it was not and perpetually disappointed when it wasnt. You are not her. What you choose to do has no reflection on her life, and she is being unreasonable if she has expectations that your existence will turn out like hers is/was.

Thirdly, and this was partly something I read in an article, which rings ridiculously true. We are conditioned, generally speaking, to believe that the marriage of two people is the end of their courtship, the peak of perfection within the relationship, and the dizzy heights of what to expect from the relationships peak. But we can never really entirely know another person. We may think we know everything there is to know, but then how do we then grow within the relationship if we are already proficient experts? Marriage is not easy, and going into it as an ending rather than a beginning does not set the right tone for the future development of a relationship. Why should you be expected to know EVERYTHING about your partner from the point of his birth to present day. Why should he be expected to know everything about you? Why is a marriage not seen as a step, rather than a finite point in time beyond which all things will pale?

You know ENOUGH to know that he is right for you. You know ENOUGH to know that you have a strong foundation for the future. And you know enough to be sensible and plan for that future. And for that point in the future, and for now, that IS enough.

Every happiness to you both

 

[vicky1823]

CONGRATULATIONS!!! seriously I thought this thread was one I posted nearly SEVEN years ago!!! I met my OH in September by early March we moved in together... Christmas day he proposed we are now happily married with the most perfect little boy. We got married abroad in Cyprus and our friends and family came to see it all and it was amazing!! Just like your mum mine was a little bit like "Woahhh bit too fast here Vicky!" and I ignored her as usual ;-) but now honestly she loves my Hubbie I think more than me!! :-D he can't do a thing wrong! The sun actually shines from his backside! On that note... Lol.

You do what is right for you! 99% of the time you are right Congrats again xxx

 

[Sleepy59]

Congratulations x

Hubby and I moved fast but we had both been married and knew what we had was right.

We started dating in the January, he moved in during February, we were engaged by the end of February, got married April of the following year. It is our 3rd anniversary in April.

Time doesn't mean everything, I know of several couples who have been together for 5+ years before getting married who have then divorced less than 18 months later.

 

[Tinytootz]

I agree MLM, I suspect she is thinking I am her, and doesn't want me to get hurt again. I know enough about him to be sure he is of sound mind (ha!), sound character, and a lovely guy. He has his faults, I have mine, but I do not tell her about these, as they would only cement any concerns she has, and become massive. I don't know everything, I often learn something new every day/week, like last night he thought Vernon Kay and Peter Kay were genuinely related........:giggle:
We both see marriage as the next step. We realise that it suddenly doesn't make everything different, we are still who we are, just it got a bit more legal.

I know of couples who were together for 4 months before getting engaged, and some which were together 9 years. Both still seem to be happy, both still have their problems.

Hopefully today she has had a good sleep (unlike me ), is going to twig to the fact that this IS happening, and that she either jumps on board and supports us (and helps me plan, I am in a tizz already), or keeps her opinions less vocal. I would rather she tells me when she is concerned, but talk about a broken record, its become kinda laughable. OH can do his bit on Friday, I'll sit back and drink tea with dad with the odd eye roll at mother! Bless her, I know she is in total shock about it all.

And thanks for the congratulations everyone, it's more than I've had in real life!

 

[Tinytootz]

Do you as a couple spend time in your mom & dads company, go round for tea, pop in at the weekend, maybe go out to the pub all together?

We often go round there for tea, they've been round here for tea several times with my brother too, and we see mum pretty much every Friday. Due to both our work schedules, our free time is pretty poor, weekends don't exist. But we do the best we can