Jayne's Diary - Exante Total Plus. Started 2 Jan 2015

[Jayne33]

Okay, just thinking (dangerous I know ), and this may be a bit rambley, but really it's just me having a bit of a brainstorm, and writing in my diary for future reference, etc. It's not necessarily meant to make sense to everyone else lol.

Jan has had it's tough moments, but overall it was made a lot easier as I didn't have anything social happening or any events, etc. I've basically been able to hibernate (other than going to work) and get on with it. Feb is going to be slightly more challenging a there's Shrove Tuesday (hopefully my Exante pancake mix will take care of that), Valentines (I'll just get flowers - we're not all that lovey, dovey and romantic anyhow), and then a friend visiting during the latter half of Feb half term. I have plans in place on how I can manage these events, but am going to have to pull on some extra willpower to get me through unscathed.

Thinking further ahead to my birthday (at the end of April) and Easter I am trying to put some plans into place. I know these events are a long way off, but they will be the most dangerous for me, as by that time I'll have lost a fair bit of weight, and be starting to feel comfortable in my skin. The desperation will have worn down. I will still have a lot of weight to lose, but I'll be starting to feel good. This is usually the time I fail. I don't want to do that this time. I want to have learnt from past experiences. So, my early thinking is that I still have some stuff here left over from Christmas (big box of Thorntons, a selection box and some Lebkuchen). I have so far been able to adopt the out of sight out of mind technique, which is unusual for me to be able to do as ordinarily these things would be literally screaming at me to eat them until I give in. For some reason though (probably desperation at my weight and the motivation I have to be a lot slimmer for my August hols), I've been able to comfortably ignore them. I'm thinking that I may add to them as time goes by so I don't feel like I'm missing out. So, for Easter I will get an Easter Egg and some Easter treats and add them to the pile. For my birthday I will write down a birthday meal and add this to the list to enjoy at a later date. I will treat myself to non food stuff at the time. All the choc I have here at the moment, and what I plan to add to it isn't necessarily what I'm going to eat once I come off this diet, as I fully intend to eat very differently (probably Paleo or phase 3 of Harcombe) but for now it will get me through the feeling I'm missing out, and that I can have it at a later date, even if I never do! It's an odd way of thinking I know, but it feels like it could work for me We'll see! lol

 

[serialslimmer]

I'm often struck by 'good ideas' too, Jayne, but to be honest if you have yummy chox etc in the house there is a danger you'll crack at some point and scoff the lot. Well, it would be a danger to me! Someone once said to me, how do you expect to stay on track when you keep your binge foods in the house? That made me think x

 

[Susie58]

Someone else made a list of things to have once they reached target & it worked very well so its worth a try Jayne. Different strategies for different people at the end of the day although I know I would probably crack if I had a really bad day but then I have never been able to resist chocolate! x

 

[Angel72]

I do use the technique of "it's not forever" and it usually takes away the power the food has over me. I would find it very hard with Chocs in the house though as they are easily accessible at difficult moments.

Making a list or scrapbook of things you'd like to do or wear has worked for a few. I like the idea but just didn't get around to it.

Whatever works for you, you're already doing great.

 

[serialslimmer]

Tried-and-True inspiration strategy - buy a gorgeous dress in a much smaller size and hang it outside your wardrobe. Remind yourself every day that you are getting closer to wearing that dress, and that when you ARE wearing it you'll look and feel wonderful x

 

[Darcy15]

Good to see you're planning ahead

You're doing fantastically Jayne - keep up the good work

 

[Jayne33]

I suppose there is a small risk that I'll crack at some point with the choc, but frankly I'm going to have to learn to live with this sort of food about anyhow as the rest of the family eat it. Albeit a lot more moderately than I ever used to lol. For now it feels like a good plan. It's not tempting me in the slightest. I'm not really an emotional eater (although think I used to be), or a binge eater, so I think that lessens the risk.

Sadly the smaller clothes thing doesn't work for me, as I've done that in the past and when I did eventually fit into the clothing that I had bought, it looked flipping awful on me lol. So, can't remove that image from my mind to think something else would look good.

Yep, I'm still comfortable with my thought process on how to manage the months ahead. Nothing's set in stone though and the choc can easily be put in the attic (I can't get up there) or given away, so we'll see how things go

 

[Angel72]

You will find your own way in this. Your losses so far have been super. To be honest I have had choc in the fridge for months and it's still there and holds no power over me so I have no doubt you will be fine. Do you have any activity you're looking forward to? Mines riding with my son. I hope you're having a super day.

 

[Jayne33]

Yes, I think riding would be great in general. I've wanted to ride again for years, so that's definitely on my to do list Also swimming. I never go these days. Hopefully post holidays that will change I also want to go to a theme park with my family. I love the big rides, but couldn't go the past couple of years due to my size and fitting on rides. Weight just restricts so much!

Christmas Panto in Dec, I only just fitted in the seat, and had to make sure I booked an end seat for myself and then my youngest next to me, so I wasn't encroaching on anyone else's space. Looking forward to being able to book a more middle seat Although I do have a ticket for May to see something and have booked an end seat, but will be sitting next to someone I don't know. Hopefully by then though I'll have lost enough to only take up my own space!

My main motivation of course right now is my holiday abroad. Every single time I have even the briefest of thoughts of cheating or that I can't do this until then, I reiterate to myself my weight and think about that plane seat and that beach lol. I am instantly re-motivated!

So, week 5 weigh in tomorrow! This week seems to have gone faster than all the others. Cravings are brief and not too intense, and hunger comes and goes. It's hard, but not too hard. I have moments of complete elation that I'm actually doing this. Overall I feel amazing in myself. I have dropped a dress size, and I can see lots of change in my body. I think all of this is only noticeable to me at the moment though, and am looking forward to the day when someone who doesn't know I'm dieting passes comment Whilst I'm only ever doing this for me and my family (so they have a healthy, active mum and wife), it is very encouraging when someone else notices Just going to tell them I'm doing WW though. Can't be doing with all the negativity that surrounds this sort of diet with those who do not understand it.

Back tomorrow

 

[Jayne33]

Week 5 weigh in. 2.5lb lost. Would've liked 3 off, but still very happy

 

[Angel72]

That's 2.5lb of pure fat though. think of it in blocks of butter. It's alot! I've a dream list in a diary of what I want to do or achieve. Alton towers being one ! Where and when's your holiday again?

 

[GreenEyedGirl]

Great WI Jayne. Congratulations on the loss.

 

[Jayne33]

That's 2.5lb of pure fat though. think of it in blocks of butter. It's alot! I've a dream list in a diary of what I want to do or achieve. Alton towers being one ! Where and when's your holiday again?

We're going to Fuerteventura in August

I am still very happy with 2.5lb off. You are right, it's a great amount when you visualise it but just would've liked the 3 lol.

 

[Angel72]

I would love a bit of sunshine to look forward to. I'm hoping for a hot summer. Great goal to aim for though x

 

[Jayne33]

It's about 5 years (I lose track) since we last went abroad, and am really looking forward to it! Also hope we have a lovely summer here. I'm sure my Vit D levels are lacking!


A little diary rambling

Well, no idea what day I'm on now - think it's 38? All going really well overall Still have cold hands, feet and nose 99% of the time and the yuk taste in my mouth. Often I feel elated with how well things are going, but also can't help still feel overwhelmed form time to time as to how on earth I will do this until the end of June (I will re-feed through July, before hols). I know my addiction to food is still there and bubbling under the surface. I am so far managing to stifle it with will power, but I'm frightened of that will power failing. Still feel incredibly focussed and determined though. Cravings are momentary and not very intense, and hunger comes and goes, but is totally manageable. I wonder about how things will be when I reach the point post hols. I feel this will be the most difficult time as I will need to find a new motivator for the weight loss. I will weigh a lot less by then, and be feeling a lot more comfortable in my skin, and this is usually the time I start to regain. I would love to have a gastric band fitted (have wanted one for years) at this point, as I feel it would be an excellent tool to help me continue onto my goal weight, and then maintenance. Can't afford to pay for one privately though and the chances of receiving one on the NHS are slim. I have considered visiting my GP though just to discuss it and see how the land lies. Not sure if I will find the courage to follow through with this or not though. I would love to think I could do this the whole way by myself, and I know I sound negative when I say I don't think I can, but I'm just going on past experience of how I always thought I could, but never have. I've been here before so many times :/

I know I need to start thinking about exercise soon. I'm relatively active in day to day life, but want to add in structured exercise sessions. I used to be so fit. I used to exercise regularly - step aerobics, body pump, running, walking up mountains, etc. regardless of my weight. 2 years ago though I stopped, for whatever reason, and haven't done anything since! I always thought exercise was hard wired into me. Never thought I would ever stop. I want to get back to it, but also want to lose some weight first and also let some minor injuries I have heal up - I have had tennis elbow since August, have had some tendonitis (although could be arthritis) in my foot and mild sciatica. All of these things are almost ok now, although I think the tennis elbow could very easily flare up again. Definitely going to have a weakness there. I'm thinking April will be a good time to get started.

 

[Angel72]

The good thing is this is your diary to put whatever you wish in. Hopefully this will give you some support to carry on. Your fears are felt by many of us and the fact you recognise them and where you've gone off track before is a big step towards overcoming them and just getting back on track. I know I've reached 13st7 before then let it all go when I was so close. I won't do that this time. This diet has really made me look at my emotional reactions and why I fall off it and I think that's given me a few lightbulb moments.

You our can do this and ARE doing it without a gastric band. Your stomach will shrink naturally I promise and at least there's no risk of surgery and infection this way. Your losses are amazing. You can keep going. You've already lost track of which day you're on which is great as it's becoming more routine for you.

Don't put put too much pressure on yourself about exercise. Try something new, yoga, Pilates or even just walking more that doesn't make your pain worse. If you gain during holiday that's okay, just come back to us when you get back and carry on. You Can do this, WE will do this xxxx

 

[Jayne33]

Thanks Angel xx

 

[Sparkley]

You are doing sooooo well Jayne, a real inspiration - your willpower is very impressive. I often think of you when I'm feeling weak willed and think to myself how strong you are! I have been that strong and determined in the past and trying get it back.

Like a lot of us, I am all or nothing - I'm either 100% on it or off the wagon big time. I find it hard to moderate, hence why this diet is good for me - takes away the choice and portion control of a regular diet!

Xx

 

[Jayne33]

Thanks Sparkley. I don't always feel as strong as I perhaps appear lol. Have many times every day where I wobble a LOT, and it feels so impossible!

Was actually just coming to update my diary with tonight's ramblings that my confused brain seems to be throwing at me right now, and it definitely helps to be writing it all down (although I prob sound like a total nutcase lol). I wonder if all of this is actually part of the healing. The diet helping me face feelings and fears. Have been having a few difficult hours this evening. I don't want to stop (and won't - at least not tonight), but at the same time can't see how I can continue. It really is minute by minute sometimes and I feel I have to dig so deep to stay strong. Had a good day and then bam, it hits me. Have just been counting up the weeks. I'm going to do this for 25 weeks, then re-feed for hols. I really can't see me coming back to the diet after that (never say never though) and imagine continued weight loss will be in a more conventional fashion. Hence the fear of having been there and done that before and it all going wrong. Suppose I have to just believe I can and I will do it this time. How do I convince myself? lol. I also need to remind myself that 6 months (or thereabouts) really isn't that long in starting my journey back to regaining good health and fitness - potentially saving and lengthening my life. 6 months of recovery, after all these years of sickness. Surely I can do it for that reason alone. It's a blip of time against what has been and what lies ahead. So why does it feel so bloody difficult and overwhelming? I guess fighting addition is just that. For now, onwards I will go

 

[Sparkley]

Hi Jayne, I'm on my mobile so so can't see your stats - how much are you trying to lose?

When I started in July 2013 I was 23st 10lb and it felt like an unachievable amount to shift, but those difficult minutes/hours do pass and the highs of seeing your body change, feeling so much healthier and comfortable turns those days into weeks, then trying on smaller clothes and receiving compliments about how good you're looking turns those weeks into months - and all the while you are doing it - you are steadily moving towards your goal and feeling better with each day that passes. Like you day, it's a tiny snapshot in the grand scheme of things - for me I've been on (and off!) this for 20 months now and that time has passed in a flash. I just kick myself that I didn't get back down to it after my holiday in June last year as, like with you, that was motivating force and once gone, and I returned from holiday feeling fab that I'd had a beach holiday where I didn't feel like the fattest girl there, didn't get out of breath or hot and sweaty at the slightest bit of exertion, sat on the plane in comfort and lounged by a pool without feeling I had to hide behind a tent sundress. I felt I had achieved my goal and felt great so lost the motivation. I wanted to be out and about, meeting up with friends - and in my circle if friends that usually revolves around food! If I had stuck with it I would have been at goal months ago, but I messed around. DON'T BE ME!! Have your holiday but keep your eye on the big goal. I now find it so hard to keep on track for longer periods. When I started I was TS solidly for about 3 months before having any regular food at all. Now I managed about two weeks then have a blip. The key for me is to nip the blip in the bud and not let it become a 'weekend off' only to be back to square one come Monday morning. I keep thinking that if I felt that good when I came back off holiday how amazing would I feel with another 2 stones off - which would have taken me to goal. It's the covering old ground I find hard at the moment - and the feeling of annoyance at myself for letting it happen. You might not always feel like you are being that strong Jayne, but day in and da out you are proving that you are!

Sorry for rambling on - must get to work!! have another strong day lady! xx