Maximus
Gold Member
How dare you! Tim Vine will sue you for such slander....
So I saw a bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen. I thought that's aboriginal.
Joke of the day!
- Thread starter Maximus
- Start date
So I saw a bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen. I thought that's aboriginal.
evieshrinking
Full Member
What did the chicken when she saw the scrambled egg?
There goes my crazy mixed up kid.
There goes my crazy mixed up kid.
Maximus
Gold Member
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by..
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
Shirleen
Gold Member
Grooooooaaaaaaan!
Tinytootz
Mini crazy cat lady
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents.
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How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents.
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How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.
fillymum
synful soul
That's my boy !!!! Even made Paul laugh !!!
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Monkey_Monkey_Underpants
Not quite normal
Two junior doctors are in the middle of a heated discussion.
First doctor: "I think it's W-O-O-M-B".
Second doctor: "No, I don't think so. It might be W-H-O-O-M".
First doctor: "No, I'm pretty sure about the B. How about W-H-O-O-M-B?"
The battleaxe of a matron on the ward bustles up. "I don't know what they teach you at Medical School these days, or how you wasted your time at school when you should have been learning basics. Any small child knows it's W-O-M-B!".
The first doctor raises himself to his full height and looks her firmly in the knee-caps. "Madam", he says, "I seriously doubt whether you have ever even seen a water buffalo, let alone heard it fart underwater".
First doctor: "I think it's W-O-O-M-B".
Second doctor: "No, I don't think so. It might be W-H-O-O-M".
First doctor: "No, I'm pretty sure about the B. How about W-H-O-O-M-B?"
The battleaxe of a matron on the ward bustles up. "I don't know what they teach you at Medical School these days, or how you wasted your time at school when you should have been learning basics. Any small child knows it's W-O-M-B!".
The first doctor raises himself to his full height and looks her firmly in the knee-caps. "Madam", he says, "I seriously doubt whether you have ever even seen a water buffalo, let alone heard it fart underwater".
Shirleen
Gold Member
Chicken and horse!!!
Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy.
One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him.
The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW.
Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear.
It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas.
Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety.
The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!"
The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!"
They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.
A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand!
The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do?
The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole.
His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!". With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingie and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap.
With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted:
"Now You saved my life, my friend!!"
The horse just smiled.
And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy.
One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him.
The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW.
Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear.
It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas.
Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety.
The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!"
The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!"
They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.
A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand!
The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do?
The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole.
His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!". With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingie and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap.
With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted:
"Now You saved my life, my friend!!"
The horse just smiled.
And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Shirleen
Gold Member
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
... Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home..
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted..
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
... Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home..
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted..
Shirleen
Gold Member
Celibacy ............. ?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men:
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Ken leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently,
And whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it ?"
And thus began Ken's life of celibacy ................
Celibacy can be a choice in life, Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men:
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Ken leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently,
And whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it ?"
And thus began Ken's life of celibacy ................
