Joke of the day!

Ok, well I didn't remember all of this, but I still love this joke!

Priest Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
 
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
 
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew

​
 
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Lettuce!
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, its cold out here !!!
​
 
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She continued indignantly 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '...
 
Tinytootz said:
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It was driving down the road and then suddenly turned into a field.

....I'll go now :D
Click to expand...


Haha - this is one of my favourite "childish" jokes, and to be honest most of my favourites are unprintable!!!

If you liked the above joke you may find this one amusing, its kinda on the same level, here goes:

Why should you never argue with a dolphin? Coz you'll always be at cross porpoises!

I should really apologise, but this joke was told to me by my best mate on a very drunken camping trip we were having together one night, we'd had rather a few "adult" beverages and we nearly wet ourselves laughing. I think the memory's funnier than the joke :D:D:D:D
 
I thought I would dig this one back up :)


To neigh or not to neigh.

That is equestrian.
--------------------

BREAKING NEWS: Explosion in French cheese shop.

There seems to be lots of De Brie.
--------------------

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
 
I've taken these off of my friends facebook, most of his are naughty so here are a few tamer ones!

1) I got so sick of the trick or treaters that I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Sod the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

2) Just back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I took a load of abuse for my floral tribute in the shape of a lifebelt but as i told everyone at the service its what he would have wanted !

3) Some African bloke knocked on my door holding a bucket this afternoon. He handed it to me and said, "Can you fill this up with water?" I said, "Blimey, how many miles have you just walked for this?" He said, "None you cheeky minx, I'm the new window cleaner."

4) When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of men saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman! What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the damn thing!

this one is naughty but just to reassure you I work in a forensic service and have the ultimate respect for police

5) A Farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and he's stuck under the tractor still alive.... shoot it says the farmer, and then bury him... About 20min later he gets another phone call... Done that, what should i do with his speed camera and bike?
 
I've just come back from my friend's funeral.... she was killed when she was struck on the head by a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.......
 
Shirleen said:
That made me snort!
Click to expand...

It made me groan !!!



A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
 
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
 
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