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Joke thread

#1

ladyfelsham

Clean green leafy machine
#2
How much?
 
#3
Pantene!
 
#4
Gosh that was a bad start, PMSL!
 

ladyfelsham

Clean green leafy machine
#5
LOL v good. I can't tell jokes (always forget the punchline) so glad you are :)
 
#7
What did the shy pebble want for xmas?






To be a little bo(u)lder!

Sigh.....
 
#8
OMG, what have I done? :D

My OH just took the shell off our pet snail to make it go faster.

But if anything, it's more sluggish now. :(
 
#9
In other news, George Clooney is to star in a movie of Gary Glitter's life. It's titled "Oh she's eleven'.
 
#10
On my run this morning I saw a scarecrow playing with himself.









He was clutching at straws.

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
 
#11
I spent two hours at my husband's grave today. :(











He thinks I'm digging a pond. :D
 
#12
Somebody stop me!!!!
 
#14
A police woman arrests a man and tells him anything you say can and will be held against you. The man says, "boobs".

*****

What do you call a fly with no wings?

- a walk
 
#15
No. No. No. :D

The point of this thread is that you ADD your favourite joke Bren, thereby keeping the whole thing going.

Go on then!...
 
#16
Yay! CeeCee - thank you. :)
 
#19
Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, lad - I've browt 'im wi' us."

***

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No - I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft beggar!"

***

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She Were Thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stonemason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. Later, the stonemason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. When he gets there he sees that it's been engraved "She Were Thin".

He explodes - 'Good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!'

The stonemason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns - 'There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you.'

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She Were Thin".

***

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
 
#20
see you didnt want to get me started


The Dark Side of Women...

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
 


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