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Jokes :D

I've been reading some very funny jokes on here so i thought i'd add some that have made me laugh :D

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news" "Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies, "you only have 24 hours to live." "That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?" The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After the check up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "if you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"your'e going to die," she replied.

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Slow but sure....
S: 22st0lb C: 19st7lb G: 10st0lb BMI: 55.1 Loss: 2st7lb(11.36%)
Here's another one, hope you like it...

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips.

Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said,

“Don’t sell that cow.” !!!!

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