Jokes

ellierose988

Silver Member
S: 13st2lb C: 11st5lb G: 10st0lb BMI: 24.2 Loss: 1st11lb(13.59%)
Hi guys. Thought it might be nice to have a Joke thread... post your favourite jokes and we can all have a nice laugh!

Here's one of mine:

So, there's this bloke in a pub, having a pint, chilling out. Then he notices a commotion outside. He takes a peek out the window, and sees a grouse coming out of a limo.

The grouse exits the limo to wild applause, out of nowhere comes a red carpet and the grouse walks along it. Paparazzi take its picture, people ask for autographs. The man is amazed, and amused.

The grouse enters the bar. People look up, amazed, and a few more go to ask for autographs.

The grouse takes a seat next to the man at the bar. He orders a whisky. The man is highly amused by this point, and can't resist saying to the grouse:

"Did you know there's a whisky named after you?!"

The grouse looks at his drink, then the man, then says: "Really? There's a whisky called Eric?"
 
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eye6769

Vegetarian who lives2eat
G: 11st0lb
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20..00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
 




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