Unfortunately, rational thinking went out the window! I managed to be strong all day in the office but after a pretty challenging afternoon, ended up eating a load of crisps and chocolate, followed by a Burger King, followed by more crisps and chocolate! After thinking how ridiculous that was, I had a 100% day Saturday, followed by another stupid day yesterday!
Which means pretty much what I've been doing for the past couple of weeks is one day on, one off, maybe two on, one off etc.. And that results in losing 3/4lbs of bloat, then putting it straight back on. 3 weeks before my wedding, I've wasted another week managing a couple of days on plan then coming off right before I hit ketosis. Is it really worth it?
Well, it feels it at the time, but then times like now I realise how ridiculous it is to be punishing my body like this. I'm also aware if I don't get this under control now ill be going away for the wedding at 182+ and won't be surprised to come back at 190+ which is just an utter joke at this point.
I'm actually boring myself with this stupid irrational self sabotage so apologies if I'm boring anyone else reading this! I genuinely never understood how someone could do this to themselves, just thought to myself that you're either on or you're off, simple as that, and that anyone messing about like this was obviously on the wrong plan. But I know I can do it in the right headspace.
If I thought maintenance was an option at this stage I'd genuinely try it, but the trouble is, I know its really not until I hit goal (which I'm still fixated on) and it looks like that won't be pre wedding. I can be pretty near to it if I sort myself out now but I know I'm going to have to go back on plan after the wedding for honeymoon gain and to get to goal. Ill make that so much easier for myself if I sort myself out now. Otherwise I'll be dreading coming home to a huge task.
Other thing is, I'm at that awkward weight now where my smaller clothes do fit (just) but larger don't as I don't seem to have any in between sizes. Really don't want to go back to work pretty much where I started and be back in 'fat clothes' as I know people will notice.
Also asked bf for honest opinion on whether I look like I've gained weight since coming off plan at the start of June and he said I do a little bit (ouch, but I did ask!) and I also took my measurements to find they've gone up a bit so need to stop deluding myself the 8lbs up to 182 is all water - some must be, but some isn't, and as such, I need to tackle that weight gain before it gets out of control like it has in the past.
If I get back on plan for the next 3 weeks, which I know I can if I set my mind to it, I can be below 168 when we leave for the wedding. I think I have to do this or I'll always regret it and spend my wedding and honeymoon worried about my weight, which I would absolutely hate.
So, I'm back at 182 this morning (FFS!) and have 21 days to sort myself out and hit below 168. Strategy is back to days broken into slots of 4 hours and telling myself that the food will still be there honeymoon. I'm aiming to get to the end of day 4 and see how I feel then, which I'm hoping is ketosis happy! I also intend to write anything I eat off plan down on this page. Read writing down what you're eating as you're eating it is a good strategy to combat binge eating and I'm thinking ill also not want to have to write my ridiculous binges down for all to see!
It's getting to the point where this is my last chance to sort myself out and I don't want to waste that chance. So, back to day 1 slot 1 and an hour in.. Will update later.
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Just a quick post to touch base and see how you're doing.... Managed to fight through to my first day SS in forever (whoop whoop) but I'm positively knackered! Lol 
