thanks sonya. u know what shes like! i told him this morning and he thought it was funny, cos he knows shes just ridiculous sometimes but when he realised it was in front of the kids he was quite upset about it.
i feel bad about going so loopy now. i started it. i was just so worried and seeing them safe wasnt enough to make me feel better. i just lashed out. dont feel too clever slating her on a forum either but that wasnt the idea. this is my diary and i am dealing with lots of emotional stuff during this diet which is just as relevant, if not moreso that the weight coming off.
i dont know why shes so against him at times, i dont think theres any logic behind it when shes ill and she probably regrets saying it. she even implied my neighbour might have murdered her hubby for the insurance money once so she is pretty paranoid at times!
anyways, sod her. we will sort it out another day. in terms of my journey, i realise there is a lot of resentment surfacing towrds her (could u tell? lol) and i need to deal with it so that its gone and doesnt contribute to me gaining weight again. im hurt at how neglected i was as a kid and how i felt i didnt have a mum cos she was never there mentally or physically at times. couldnt talk to her cos she wouldnt hear u..just stare blankly or when she did listen, she would warp it all in her mind and repeat it back months later as something entirely different and nasty. just learnt not to bother.
it has been programmed into me that we are not allowed to blame her or be upset about it cos its not her fault and cant be helped. so we basically could never deal with it. sweep it under the carpet instead.
the thing is, i know a lot of it is not her illness, its that we let her do and say what she likes.
the sad thing is, my mum is a pretty fab woman. she has a brilliant sense of fun and humour. shes just been limited in her illness and its mared so much for her as well as for us. so in the end i feel guilty for not putting her first and i need to get out of that trap.
will figure it out eventually but at least i know what feelings i am dealing with. ordinarily i would have just shovelled food in my mouth and not look past the surface. so! its all a good thing that it happened, despite how horrible it seems. for once i mustn't apologise. she needs to be held accountable for just leaving with my kids and calling their dad that in front of them. ive never asked her to say sorry for anything. shes never tried to but expects u to be sorry for hurting her feelings.
im glad its happened. just have to force myself not to cave in or feel too bad.
thanks sonya xxxxx
