Kira's Diary (Re-start Day 5)

Kira, so sorry hun, can see how shaken you are feeling. Have been there, know exactly how scary it feels but PLEASE don't panic... this was not as awful as it feels to you... the food amounts to just an ordinary days food for someone not on CD... a long way I guess from any binges of the past. But yes, it comes from the same root and I know that feeling of self-sabotage, of eating till too full, till ashamed.

There are a lot of us on the maintainers thread who understand, those are the battles we fight, with varying degrees of success at different points... but yes, it is the hardest step of all, re-educating our heads after CD and breaking old patterns. It takes time, and like anything else worth achieving, will not happen overnight.

Please stay calm and make day 78 a good one... hugs again.

xxx
 
Katy it is such a relief and huge amount of support knowing others understand what I went through yesterday. The vicious cycle of stuffing food into my mouth but not actually 'eating' just stuffing.

My resolve is renewed although I found myself faltering when I got back from work; head telling me to eat anything because I may as well as I blew CD yesterday. I am pleased to say I have got through that faltering feeling of being on a knife edge - deciding whether to break my resolve or not. Without this forum I wouldn't even have got this far. Hoping to be back into the swing of things with a little more ease like before. Not expecting a loss tomorrow but would be happy with the scales just staying the same as there were today.
 
I think with maintaining... learning to be slim... it is not an all-or-nothing perfection we are looking for, but a daily willingness to keep on trying, even though we are not perfect. We will make mistakes - we are only human - and we have for whatever reason evolved bad patterns with food in the past, so breaking those is bound to take time. But this is not a battle won with one fight, but with daily efforts to challenge those messed-up thoughts that lead us to binge. We'll keep on fighting, and we will win.

You are learning loads Kira, and doing brilliantly. Sometimes the falls are the best learning curves of all.

xxx
 
Day 79 weigh day and no surprise that I gained 2lbs. I guess it could have been a worse 'binge' the other day and a bigger gain. I am reminding myself of how much I have already lost and that I will not allow this fall to undo my hard work to date.

So feeling positive again and think I'll get back into the swing of things. I may try and go to the gym this evening to distract myself as I know the danger of not going could cause me to falter again. I have been thinking about food througout the day and when I got in from work. I just need to get through the next 3 hours and I will be fine.
 
Good Luck with the rest of your day hun!... try not to beat yourself up too much. All I can say is I SO UNDERSTAND your feelings with food... its almost like we are on autopilot - like you arent even in your body when you are stuffing yourself with food... I think its great that you have got back on the horse instead of throwing the towel in... I know I have done that so many times in the past.. I guess this is part of what we have to learn when it comes to maintenance...

:)
 
Thanks KittyKat! Well I completed day 79 yesterday. Went to the gym had a good session and didn't feel hungry when I got back. However, i just couldn't shake the thoughts about food. I had this hungry/empty feeling. I really did feel as if I were going to bed hungry.

Day 80 felt much better today. Didn't have a problem about thinking about food all day and even declined some fancy cupcakes in the office today. Had my soup and porridge fairly close together because I did feel ravenous but hoping I can get through the next couple of hours without mishap! May try and go for a run or at the very least a walk once I've sorted kids out.
 
Day 81 or 82 er! sort of lost on which day I am! Been fine since I last posted. Very busy at work, lots of food at work yesterday for Children in Need cakes, chocs, sweets etc! But I didn't touch one! However, I am wondering if I should increase to 1000cals as since moving to 810 I am finding I am very hungry and probably because I am not in ketosis. I guess if I didn't have the cottage cheese and only chicken I would remain in ketosis? Seeing CDC today and will ask her what she thinks. I am finding this last stone and a bit hard to shift, so close but it seems for some reason so much tougher.

Going to have a mega tidy up day and get sorted for the fesitive season which now seems so close!
 
Day 84 been hectic weekend and hectic Monday at work. Saw CDC on Saturday and we have discussed me moving up another plan. So started on 1000 calories plan on Saturday.and I have already gained weight which scares me and makes me think I must be consuming too many calories. I am questioning whether it is my portion sizes? Will give it a week and see how it goes.
 
Think it will just be the sudden carbs, a small glycogen gain. That will even out in next week or so. You CANNOT gain fat on 1000 cals, so please don't panic... the small gain is normal. It's not 'real' so don't adjust portions, just keep your nerve and keep going. You're doing great!

xxx
 
Day 87 Thurs 27 Nov not posted for couple of days just been very hectic at work. Weigh day was yesterday and lost half a pound. I increased to 1000 calories at weekend. I have to confess bringing back food into the equation has made things very difficult for me. I coped with packs and the allowed foods for 810 but going up the plan I am finding hard. I am slipping the extra bit of food in here and there I just know I am. Will see what next week brings.
 
Hope you are OK Kira. Haven't been too good myself, family stuff, so just catching up... keep posting hun, it helps.

xxx
 
Kira, where are you? Please don't vanish... hope everything is fine with you.

xxx
 
Hi Katy just been hectic at work, husband is abroad on business so juggling alone has been hard, work, home and kids and kids homework!

Week 13 weigh in today 2 Dec day 90/01 lost track and I have gained 2 and half pounds. So weight today 9.6.0. I have not been sticking to 1000 cals and have reverted to odd binges due to stress. Despite this glitch/slight loss of control I know I can rein in it. My biggest fear is food and the control of it. The SSing seems easy now but bringing food into the equation has knocked the equilibrium in my mindset/routine.

So I am starting again. Not from scratch but from somewhere in the middle. I don't want to resort to SS again, I want to get on track with food involved in some shape or form. I was almost there, yet I lost the way, but having said that I recognize I can get back onto the right path without going back to "start" again. Big SIGH!! I think not logging into Minimins for a few days has knocked me off course. I think I need the help of the forum more than I need the CD packs as a crutch to help me through my food issues.
 
Glad you are Ok hun, and know that you can do this. It IS the hardest bit, no doubt about it... food is not an enemy, but we have to work out new ways to relate to it, make new and healthier patterns with it. It takes time, and there will be mistakes along the way, but I can look back now and see that those mistakes are learning curves as well... and that the general curve is that things are much, much better for me than this time last year. Slowly, you get the hang of this!

Hope the stress recedes a bit, I have a bit of stress going on too and avoided the threads last week, this week things are much more under control and I think it's because I am posting again.

We can do this... bit by bit.

Hugs.

xxx
 
Day 98 or thereabouts. Having stumbled and got back up again I am wavering again. The introduction of food coupled with the recent stress of work/life has been extremely challenging. Unlike this time last year I am not simply caving into the food I am challenging it. I haven't been able to give myself "me" time and I think that is how I've allowed myself to veer off the track a little and lose and gain the same 4 pounds over the past two three weeks. Whilst September and October went brilliantly for me on CD November was tougher and here I am in December and it is even more difficult. Provided I don't gain more weight by 1 Jan 2010 I will be pleased I have achieved some level of control with food and drink. If I manage to lose any weight between now and 1 Jan 2010 it will strenghthen my resolves I can continue to try and reach my target of 8st albeit at perhaps a slower and slightly more scenic CD route.

Will try and get back into selfish mode insofar as thinking of myself and losing weight is concerned. That is how i got through September and october by being single minded and thinking of only me (for a change!)

Katy hope your week was a little less stressful and you are in managing on the food/fuel stakes. Thanks for dropping a post, it was lovely to log and and see your thread. Re-reading my own slightly depressed me but reminded me that the forum helped me through September and October. I can keep going.
 
Sending a hug, will post properly tomorrow... thinking of you.

xxx
 
Hi Kira.

You are doing this, never think you're not... it is a fight, but the fight gets easier, I promise. For me, I still lose some battles but I am not going to regain the weight no matter what, and that means that in the end I will hopefully win the war. You will be the same. The last few lbs are the hardest to shift, and everyone finds that - your plan to maintain and stay steady at the weight you've reached is a great one, as Xmas is obviously a difficult time for all of us. If you can stick to one of the plans - but one that gives you a little flexibilty - that will help.

Keep posting... and think about moving over to the maintainers section, there's a lot of lovely people over there who'd support and advise you. Big hugs and well done for getting this far... a great achievement.

xxx
 
Hi Kira

I restarted last week, didn't do too well either. Had 2 good days the rest either 810 plan'ish or completely broke it. Drank gallons of water and think that helped me, lost 5lb 1st WI last night. Not the best loss for the 1st week, but better then I thought. Keep at it, you know it works.. and remember your goal.. Maybe do a little more exercise, you've come a long way already. It'll be worth it. xx
 
I'm updating my re-start diary. Not sure how the change the heading?

Anyway today is Sunday 9 January 2011 and I after success in 2008 and a loss of 2 and half stones and then regain, I attempted SS in Sep/Oct 2009 and lost 2 stones and maintained fairly well in 2010 but re-grained from September 2010 onwards.

9 Jan 2011 I have manged to get to Day 6! I can't beleive it! The first few days were very hard! Today was amazing as I only felt a minor hunger pang and I knew I was due for my first pack this afternoon. Since then no hunger whatsoever! Just had to have the other two packs spaced apart. Wish I could feel like this every single day!

No doubt it will become difficult again but I am hoping with almost one full week of SS under my belt I will be able to complete January.
 
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